Yachts are too small, ships are too tiny, dinghies are too miniscule. Sorry, I'm getting too big for my boats.

My friend said my boat needed sprucing up.

I said, yes, it's a little dingy

Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 8th April 2016, 10:21 AM BST

Yachts are too small, ships are too tiny, dinghies are too miniscule. Sorry, I'm getting too big for my boats.

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Most people don't know that Paul Daniels came form a great maritime family, and was buried at sea. Last week, at a solemn event, for close friends and family, he was traditionally laid to rest from the bow of a 200 foot ocean schooner.

Not a yacht.

That water hasn't changed. It's still water.

Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 8th April 2016, 10:21 AM BST

Yachts are too small, ships are too tiny, dinghies are too miniscule. Sorry, I'm getting too big for my boats.

View original

You need a bigger joke.

What parts of the body speak slang? Cock, knee.

Debbie MaGee failed to sell Paul Daniel's wig at Sothebys last week. They said they liked it, but it's not a lot.

What's the funniest thing Wood Allen ever did? F**k his daughter.

I used to wank over pictures of beautiful women in the nude. Now I keep one sock on.

Me and my girlfriend had sex up against a wall, and she became pregnant.

We got a standing ovulation.

Mandela's wife has a new book out about her bowel movements; Winnie, The poo.

I dreamed that Bugs Bunny, Micky Mouse and Tweety Pie set up the timing on my VW Beetle's engine.
It was a car tune.

My castrator is unfocussed. I said, Get on the ball.

My castrator was terrible. He was all over the place when I hired him. He couldn't control the equipment and eventually had a nasty accident.
So I sacked her.

Sitcom about Angelina Jolie's husband trying passive anal. Breaking Brad.