I saw a sign, New Order - Sold Out! I thought, They did, didn't they.

Husband comes home and gives his wife £10.
Wife "What's this? And where are my best boots?"
Husband "You told me to take them into town and get them sold. I got a tenner for them."
Wife "You're a f**king idiot!"

I was sad Paul Daniels died, but not a lot.

Paul Daniels will be cremated, instead of buried. It's because he went to the funeral home before he died and bought an urn alcove, not a plot.

Quote: gappy @ 19th March 2016, 11:02 AM GMT

Paul Daniels will be cremated, instead of buried. It's because he went to the funeral home before he died and bought an urn alcove, not a plot.

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clever

Just because you have a 5 foot penis, no need to be cocky.
One bollock says to the other, I don't like cock, but it remains between you and me.
What do you call a cross between a writer and Camilla? Charles' Dickings.

I watched so much porn I got a stiff neck.

No more tax on sanitary products = eightpoundsthirtythreealady

Not quite as catchy mind.

On Eater Monday I shall be watching the sports team from the local girls's school. Some of those athletic sixth formers have got gorgeous toned arses. Hot lacrosse buns.

Welsh horses bite. Be ceffyl at all times.

Which singer is spicy yet bland. Macy Gray.

OR

Which singer is Spicy yet bland. Posh. Defiantly not Sporty, no way sir, that couldn't happen on this forum. Classy lassy (not as in dog, but as in lady). She's the daddy (and interesting). And not bland.

I won a lucky dip on the lottery but I've told them I don't want to go public

<Groan warning>

I went to the doctor because I thought I had little tiny rabbits growing around my penis.
Turns out they were pubic hares.

(I'm here all week folks)

I put my tip in the jar provided, but the barman said he'd much prefer the cash.

Quote: gappy @ 21st March 2016, 2:37 PM GMT

On Eater Monday I shall be watching the sports team from the local girls's school. Some of those athletic sixth formers have got gorgeous toned arses. Hot lacrosse buns.

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I had 926 wanks last weekend. It was Palm Sunday.

Quote: Nick Nockerty @ 21st March 2016, 5:43 PM GMT

Which singer is spicy yet bland. Macy Gray.

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Masterchef asked 3000 priests, What's the tastiest spice? They all said Emma Bunton. Must be the pigtails.