You should know your place.

F**king stop the puns if you don't want to get battered!

For the love of cod...

My friend made a half-hearted suicide attempt.
Threw himself in front of his son's model train.

I had a similar joke: I said, I'd like a hamburger please. - He said, With relish? - I said, MMmmmmmmmm, I'd lllike a hhaaaaaaaaaammmmburger please.
I'm fed up with Jesus. He thinks He's God's gift to mankind.

Bilbo woke up to find they'd built a Tesco Express next door.

That was an unexpected item in the Baggins area.

(Just borrowed this one from elsewhere)

My latest book comes with a little mechanical finger.
It's a page turner.

The queen roasts little boys in front of a roaring fire. They stand on a rotating platform.
It's a page turner.

My friend puts books on his lathe.

He's a .... oh god, I can't go on.

Have you put the cat out?
Yes, and just be careful with that flame thrower in future,

***

Contender for worst joke ever:

When you sing you make a racket, what's a matter, catgut your tongue?

***

what do sadists do to people who like punch lines?

.......

(he he he...)

Quote: Stylee TingTing @ 16th May 2016, 1:24 AM BST

I've just had one of those déjà vu moments..

View original

I believe in déjà vu. I was watching Mel C's I Want Candy video and I got a boner: I thought, I'm sure this has happened before.

Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 19th May 2016, 9:22 AM BST

I believe in déjà vu. I was watching Mel C's I Want Candy video and I got a boner: I thought, I'm sure this has happened before.

View original

Come again?

Don't you hate the way posh people use rare words for simple things. Like Oxymoron, why not just say "stupid cow".

If a Catholic comes on a kid, is it a Vatileak?

-I hate the gaze.
-Homophone!

Quote: gappy @ 20th May 2016, 12:12 PM BST

-I hate the gaze.
-Homophone!

View original

Clever.

Which bird sounds like jizz? Goos.