***

Kettle - posh cows

***
I walked through Nottingham city centre today to meet my girlfriend.
Everyone I saw was happy and smiling.
Except my girlfriend. When she saw me she said "What the hell have you got on your head?"
I said "You told me if I wore one I'd look cool."
She shouted "I said wear a bandana!"

One night I spent 59274174062 quid on porn mags. I really splashed out that night.

Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 11th February 2016, 9:09 AM GMT

One night I spent 59274174062 quid on porn mags. I really splashed out that night.

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£59,274,174,062

Nearly 60 billion? You could have paid off the national debt.
George Osborne would have come round and given you a hand job.

It was like being punished. I had it coming all along.

We bought a chocolate scented candle for the bathroom. Now it always smells like someone's making brownies.

I hear Heather Mills is appearing in 'THE JUMP' this Sunday
They have a carpenter on standby in case she breaks a leg.

My wildcat has Internet connections. Lynx.

I successfully balanced on a sandwich, a bap and a cob.
Right now I'm on a roll!

Mick Hucknall met Prince Charles. Holding back the ears.

An adolescent bear fancied a mummy bear
But she was too hot.

Vandals burnt my house down. - Arson fire? - Yes, and the rest of me.

"O my God Henry, I've stretched your left testicle half way down to your knee!"

"Pull the other one."

***

They say men think about sex every seven seconds.

I certainly do. That's what my screensaver is set for.

A man thinks abut sex every 7 seconds. That's pretty bad porn he's watching.

The porn I was watching was so bad, I started thinking. "Nice wallpaper."