Quote: Chappers @ 1st October 2014, 10:16 PM BST

Did you post it to yourself?

You should say "I shouldn't have asked them to post it to me by Royal Mail".

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For the actual flow of the joke I personally prefer the more pithy version. I think 'shouldn't have used royal mail' can also be understood as 'choosing Royal mail as the postage option.'

As for the cat one, cats aren't vegetarians, so getting rid of them nominally would please vegetarians, except if you actually went hunting cats you may just find yourself extremely unpopular with them. As to the hashtag, that was something I genuinely noticed

I don't either of them are clear enough ahem. I think what you have is what they call jokoids. The idea is there you just need to work on them.

Okay, advice taken.

Good man.

So that's me just put the finishing touches to my panic room. So when the wife comes home from her holiday and see's I've not done the hoovering, cleaning, dishes or paid any of the bills I know where I'll be.

At the pub.

I decided to end it all and put my hand straight on bare live wire.
I got a terrible shock.
It wasn't live.

I know someone once who actually died of boredom- he really shouldn't have been playing gameboy while driving.

Jesus walks into a bar with his disciples.

"Twelve glasses of water" Jesus says to the barman, winking to the others.

"Me and my girlfriend videoed ourselves having sex at 15. We recently got together again, we're now 30. She's sure she still has the tape somewhere - should I watch it? Is that a good idea? I feel ashamed just by remembering it.

I mean we were very very young, so obviously watching it now, disgusting might not be the right word but ..... The production quality isn't going to be great and the lighting will be amateurish..."

(I tried this out and it got rolling laughs, then I told it again and it bombed - I got heckled like everyone in the audience had a paint ball gun. Now I don't know whether to drop it or not. Any thoughts?)

Quote: some yoke @ 2nd October 2014, 4:28 PM BST

"Me and my girlfriend videoed ourselves having sex at 15. We recently got together again, we're now 30. She's sure she still has the tape somewhere - should I watch it? Is that a good idea? I feel ashamed just by remembering it.

I mean we were very very young, so obviously watching it now, disgusting might not be the right word but ..... The production quality isn't going to be great and the lighting will be amateurish..."

(I tried this out and it got rolling laughs, then I told it again and it bombed - I got heckled like everyone in the audience had a paint ball gun. Now I don't know whether to drop it or not. Any thoughts?)

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Not brilliant misdirection, and a bit telegraphed for me.

Quote: Nick81 @ 2nd October 2014, 3:23 PM BST

Jesus walks into a bar with his disciples.

"Twelve glasses of water" Jesus says to the barman, winking to the others.

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Thirteen glasses, surely?

Quote: Rood Eye @ 2nd October 2014, 4:56 PM BST

Thirteen glasses, surely?

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I didn't pay attention in R.E

How about maths?

Quote: Rood Eye @ 2nd October 2014, 4:56 PM BST

Thirteen glasses, surely?

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Could be after Judas hanged himself if you know your Bible instead of trying to be a smartarse.

Quote: Stylee TingTing @ 2nd October 2014, 10:05 PM BST

Why don't you just show the video?

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I don't have a recording. I know you can't assess stand up as it's on the page, if I told that joke I probably wouldn't word it exactly how it's written, but I was asked to do some stuff at a wedding on the weekend and it bombed and I was feeling fragile about it so I thought I'd put it on here.

I did an opener about how you can tell how classy a person is by whether they eat their bread roll before the soup arrives and pointed at a few people and got a minute applause.

Then got told to piss off talking about underage sex. I just wondered whether it was in too bad a taste leveraging child porn for a laugh. I dunno - subjective and all that.