I've had another go at it this week. Here are a few. Some are ok others are a bit pants.

Prince Harry to go to Iraq

Al Qaeda terrorists have issued a threat to Prince Harry, saying that they will kidnap or kill him when he arrives for his tour of duty.

The army are taking the threat seriously.

Look what happened to his mother the last time she went abroad with her friends!

Overhaul of Welfare System

A government commissioned paper will say that sweeping changes should be made in an effort to get people off of benefits.

The report has been written by a former banker David Freud. He was asked to reduce the number of people of working age claiming benefits.

“We have thought of several approaches: one of which would be to get all these spongers into a field and cull them all with sharp farming implements. This would only be carried out if all other avenues have been explored.”

John Hutton Work and Pensions Secretary told the BBC that

“Money could be made available for a hair cut or a new suit.”

A spokesman for road protesters and hippies said,

“This is intimidation. What have we ever done? Absolutely bloody nothing!”

No change there then.

Safest Ever Passport Unfit

After the Government have stated that the new biometric passports recently issued were the safest ever, it has been revealed that journalists have managed to steal the details encrypted on a passport’s electronic chip in only four hours.

The information gained would be enough for a people trafficker to steal a person’s identity and for somebody to set themselves up in this country.

Tony Blair said that recently he had become victim of identity theft.

“The thief stole my details and tried to move into my house and take my job.”

A Mr G Brown has been helping Police with their inquiries.

Love of Speed Killed Lawrence

There has always been a shadow of doubt around Lawrence of Arabia’s death claiming that he was eliminated as he was an embarrassment to the Government of the day but private letters sent by Lawrence of Arabia to Author and friend, Arthur Williamson revealed that Lawrence, who died in a motorcycle accident, was known for his love of speed.

An expert on T.E Lawrence said,

“We don’t know for sure he was addicted to speed but we do know he liked a smoke every now and again.”

Greenhouse Effect is a Load of Hot Air

According to a UN report, research recently conducted has led some leading scientists to believe that the Greenhouse Effect is a sham and an exaggeration.

We believe that it’s more of a Cold Frame Effect which would reproduce conditions ideal for growing cucumbers and Galia melons.

A leading Professor said that his name had been removed from the document after he threatened legal action saying,

“I planted my cucumbers early last year and they never came up at all”

Carol Knocks Brains into Shape

Glamorous TV boffin Carol Vorderman has launched a daily workout game for the brain called ‘Mind Aerobics’. The interactive game will be available to play online, via mobile phone or on Sky TV.

Vorderman, the Countdown’s mathematical genius and promoter of cholesterol reducing spread, was asked how she managed to find the time to fit the project in to her busy schedule.

She replied that her financial circumstances had forced her into this situation as she had recently taken out a secured loan and was having trouble paying it off due to the crippling interest.

I liked your first few there funny. The problem is I don't think the radio 2 people will us it, as the comedy is quite tame in some ways.

I asked a friend of mine for help, I needed to bounce ideas of him basically... he suggested this line... I personally think it's not very good at all but he think's it's clever and witty, I just want your views.

"Tony Blair has suggested this week that long term unemployed single parents will be made to get a job once their eldest child reaches 11. Later that day he was spotted driving a Vauxhall Zafira"

What do you think?

lol. Yeah I like it but it's one of those where you have to think. A bit too cerebral for R2!

WJFS

Like the ID Theft one and you've got a good joke in there about Carol Vorderman but think it needs to be worded differently to work properly.

Paul

Vauxhall Zafira joke is witty but not rip-roaring. Again needs a bit of work.

Here are mine (busy at work is my excuse for them being a bit crap, but, as before, you've got to submit it to git it)

================================
PARSONS AND NAYLOR’S PULL-OUT SECTIONS

================================

DISNEY EMPLOYEES ATTACKED

Employees at Disney World are being assaulted verbally and physically by the public. Imagine being attacked in Florida whilst you're hidden inside a Mickey Mouse outfit. David Beckham has a lot to look forward to.

ITV PHONE CALLS SCANDAL

After a public enquiry into premiums rate phone calls in TV programmes, quiz Channel ITVPlay went off air at 4:00am on Tuesday morning. This strangely coincided with a surge in internet orders for Tennants Super and Burberry baseball caps.

This started after it turns out X-Factor viewers were being overcharged £200,000. That's a hell of a phone call, isn't it? Most people affected got a little irate after receiving their bill and resolved *never* to use their service provider *again*.

Other programmes affected include Dancing on Ice, This Morning and Who Wants to be a Millionaire? It appears the people at X-Factor won this particular quiz.

EGG DONORS ADVERTISE ON THE TUBE

A couple paid £2,000 for a month's advertising for egg donors on the London Underground. The only interest they've had so far is from Norfolk, where they were offered 200,000 eggs by a Mr Bernard Matthews.

ON-THE-SPOT FINES INEFFECTIVE

On-the-spot fines for shoplifting don't go on a criminal record. This means repeat offenders are not getting prosecuted. They can offend and offend and offend, until they have it down to a fine art. The Police look good as their crime statistics are falling. Mainly because they are so good at shoplifting at this point, that no-one even realises they're doing it anymore.

The average haul is £150 and the fine is only £80. Premium rate phone-calls cost more. Maybe offenders should be made to watch ITVPlay. If watching isn't punishment enough, the haemorrhaging of their bank account for a five-minute phone call will more than make up for the haul they've made.

Crime rate dropped considerably at exactly 4:00am Tuesday morning, coincidentally exactly the same moment ITVPlay went off air.

MOVIE OUTFITS

Outfits from many films have been reaching high prices at auction. Obi-Wan Kenobi's cloak is set to sell for £50,000 this week and the Cowardly Lion costume from The Wizard Of Oz reached £350,000 recently. Dr Fox's Dancing on Ice costume almost reached the reserve of 50p, when he put it on eBay earlier this week.

END

Quote: paul watson @ March 5, 2007, 5:48 PM

"Tony Blair has suggested this week that long term unemployed single parents will be made to get a job once their eldest child reaches 11. Later that day he was spotted driving a Vauxhall Zafira"

What do you think?

View original

I think I get it, implication is he has had to get himself a job? I'm sure the policy is that your youngest child has to be 11, not eldest, which rules out Blair in any case. Not funny at all in my view.

On the subject of Parsons and Naylor, if the show is recorded tonight, how do people feel about posting their submissions before recording? I guess I'm paranoid but what if someone from the show sees them and thinks, well, that joke's already out there, let's not use it. Maybe I think too much.

Well, (like Gobbler)I still don't get it.
Presumably Blair is (in the joke) unemployable. And I believe the Vauxhall Zafira is a large 'family' car.
But where is the single-parent family in this?

it's ment to be to do with those kids in the advert for the car... I'm not 100% sure myself what he was on about.

A pretty good selection of jokes there WJFK and Swertyd. My personal faves were the Lawrence of Arabia line and the Mickey Mouse Beckham joke.

Here are a few of mine:

Crufts - I find is the only time of the year we celebrate good-looking dogs… I’m unsure what category Victoria beckham is entering… I’m kidding, I’m kidding… I have no idea what category she’s entering.

Contaminated fuel – Silicon has been found in car fuel from some of the countries major supermarkets. I didn’t see it as a bad thing, I thought if it was anything like silicon implants, it would make the car look better and work better… it must have been a botch up.

NHS – NHS computers have been criticised for many system failures… like most of their patients they’ve probably caught MRSA.

George Michael has been invited to open the new Wembley Stadium. He's also bought a hospitality box there and installed 6 urinals in it.

Noone went with the silicon, intel inside gag for the petrol thing then.

Parsons and Naylor's pull out section is very tame, if you want to get on you have to write the following

This week______[insert something only middleclass people care about], _______[insert subject matter] is/are/has/will/now______[insert juxtaposition]

e.g. This week Tescos admitted that contaminated petrol was responsible for several breakdowns, Tescos now believes that 1 in every eight destroyed engines in the UK is destroyed by Tescos.

im no good at topical gags, but here is one i thought of a minute ago

JADE GOODY
"me and the family went to a indian restuarant last night, it is rumoured to be jade goodies local, when we got there, as luck would have it she was also there, surprisingly she tasted quite good"

o.k not very good i know, but as i said i'm crap at this sort of thing.

[quote name="lewisroberts" post="10717" date="March 8, 2007, 8:06 AM"]
JADE GOODY
"me and the family went to a indian restuarant last night, it is rumoured to be jade goodies local, when we got there, as luck would have it she was also there, surprisingly she tasted quite good"

Not sure I'd want to taste Jade Goody.

no i reckon she would taste quite good if you mix her in with some tandoori it depends what part of her you mix in, bagsee not having the rump, it's a terrible shame but i guess we will never know.....

Quote: lewisroberts @ March 8, 2007, 8:24 AM

no i reckon she would taste quite good if you mix her in with some tandoori it depends what part of her you mix in, bagsee not having the rump, it's a terrible shame but i guess we will never know.....

View original

I don't know if I could stretch to eating something that was less intelligent than the burgers I normally eat...