A couple of people want to take a look at the script that I'm sending around at the moment. I had originally sent it to BBC writer's room but they didn't want it so I'm gonna send it to a couple more places before putting it on the shelf. Anyway, here is a synopsis and extract from UniverCity.

Synopsis

UniverCity is a situation comedy following the life of Alex Roberts, a teenager who comes from a stable and comfortable background somewhere in British suburbia. Prior to going to university his home life and the people around him were stable and comforting, life was simply normal. When Alex makes the transition into student life, however, he soon finds that, in fact, the world is a surreal place. As he is ushered into student halls he is forced to come to terms with eccentric characters such as room mate ‘Ren’, a deadpan computer geek with an irregular thought process, along with Kyle and Brendon, two students who live for sex, drugs and rock and roll, or so they would like to think. Within the university itself the staff offer little relief, Alex soon becomes overwhelmed by the huge ego of history lecturer (and department stud) Brett Beckerman and frustrated by the timid manner of politics lecturer Edward Hingleford, the perfect English gentleman.

Based on real life observation, UniverCity pokes fun at all aspects of student life, both in the university itself and the surrounding city, from part time jobs to night-club disasters and, as Alex moves throughout his academic career, he will find more and more questions about the ‘off the wall’ characters he finds himself with and the awkward situations he seems to get himself into.

-----------------------------------------------

SCENE 10. INT. BECKERMAN’S OFFICE – DAY

ALEX REACHES BRET BECKERMAN’S OFFICE AND KNOCKS ON THE DOOR

BRET:

Yeah it’s open!

ALEX OPENS THE DOOR AND BEGINS HIS SENTENCE BEFORE BEING STOPPED BY THE SCENE BEFORE HIM; BECKERMEN IS SUSPENDED FROM A CHIN UP BAR, GREASED UP AND WEARING ONLY COLOURFUL LYCRA SHORTS. AS HE COMPLETES THE REPS A STUNNINGLY ATTRACTIVE WOMAN SITS IN A CHAIR AT THE SIDE WATCHING AND WRITING ON A PAD OF PAPER EVERY NOW AND THEN. EVENTUALLY BRET DROPS DOWN BUT DOESN’T ACHKNOWLEDGE ALEX.

ALEX:

I erm…

BRET:

One moment… (TO GIRL ON THE CHAIR)How did we do?

CINDY:

55 Bret, how do you always know when you are on a multiple of 5?

BRET:

Triple ‘I’ Cindy – ‘Intellectual Intuition… er… Irrespectively.

BRET WHIPS A TOWL OVER HIS SHOULDER

Today was a good session babe, I can smell the sweet dew from the peak of success already. Same time again tomorrow, seeya tonight.

CINDY LEAVES THE ROOM AND BRET DROPS INTO HIS CHAIR PLACES HIS FEET ON THE DESK, COOLER THAN A CUCUMBER IN AN ESKIMO’S LUNCHBOX. ALEX IS STILL, CLEARLY TRYING TO DECIPHER THIS CONFUSING SCENE.

You takin’ a look at the footwear there kiddo? Those babies are what you call “Trax Max Turbos”! You can’t get them over here, no sir. They’ve got the most compressed air system outside of Russia. You pop these bad boys and it’s gonna take the whole cast of CSI to work out what happened. Now, what can I do for you?

ALEX:

I have a seminar clash

BRET:

Gotta say that was a bit of an anti-climax compared to the “Trax Max Turbos”.

BRET JUST LOOKS AT ALEX, THERE IS A MOMENT OF SILENCE

ALEX:

I’m… sorry?

BRET:

Good, now what’s your name?

ALEX:

Alex

Bret:

(PAUSE) Do you know how many Alex’s there are doing History at this University?

ALEX:

No, how many?

Bret:

Well, the question was rhetorical. I need a second name.

ALEX:

Oh right yeah, sorry, Roberts, Alex Roberts

BECKERMAN STARTS TYPING AND CLICKING AT HIS COMPUTER

BRET:

Roberts, Alex…. It’s twelve by the way.

ALEX:

Doing the course?

BRET:

History at this University, yeah.

ALEX:

Right… good.

BRET:

Obviously there are…are different… combinations AHA, here we go Alex Roberts, now let’s take a look, which is the clash?

ALEX:

Wednesday at 1 o’clock

BRET:

Ok… says here you do an English Literature module

ALEX:

Yeah yeah, it’s more of an interest.

BECKERMAN STARES BLANKLY AT HIM.

I’ve always been a fan of the lyric, the-the expression of images and emotions through words, you know?

BRET:

No I do not know Alex, sounds to me like a nancy boy subject, no offence. If you ask me you may as well take a class in cookery or ballet, no offence. Why don’t you just go right on over the women’s section of ‘Debeen-hams’

ALEX:

Debenhams

BRET:

Yeah why don’t you just go there and try on a nice little skirt and… and a cardigan?

BRET STARES AT ALEX WAITING FOR AN ANSWER

ALEX:

(PAUSE)Is that another rhetorical question?

BRET:

No

ALEX:

Because… I’m a boy

BRET:

Good… now sit down

ALEX:

I… I am

BRET:

You know, I could never latch on to the feminine, flowery way of the fictional text Alex. No, I needed the cold hard thud of facts and figures. A history textbook is like a thug with a golf club, it says “This is how it was Beckerman, you’d better believe it! Don’t you even think of questioning what I’m telling you ‘cause if you do I’m gonna blast you in the balls with a nine iron”.

ALEX:

(SARCASTICALLY BUT TIMIDLY) Do you get many thugs trying to educate you in historical academia?

BECKERMAN IGNORES THIS AND DISPENSES A PIECE OF VAGUE ADVICE

BRET:

(SAGELIKE) All about right place, right time kid.

BECKERMAN MAKES SOME FINAL CLICKS ON THE MOUSE BEFORE SWINGING BACK ROUND IN HIS CHAIR TO FACE ALEX

I can’t do anything for you here kid you’re gonna have to take it up with the other guy.

ALEX GETS UP TO LEAVE BUT IS STOPPED JUST BEFORE HE REACHES THE DOOR

BRET:

And hey… er… power naps!

BRET GIVES A WINK AND A TAP OF THE NOSE MAKING ALEX AWARE THAT ONLY VERY FEW ARE PRIVY TO SUCH GOLDEN HINTS

CUT TO

------------------------------------------

Thanks for looking

To be honest I wasn't taken with the synopsis*, but the dialogue had something to it. I felt a bit of Chris Morris in the history prof. I guess it all depends on how these characters develop - the bit you have posted doesn't give us a lot to go an as regards the "lead" character, but the prof has definitely got something. It would be interesting to see how others interact with both of these characters.
As a fellow Writers' Room rejectee, I say carry on and good luck.

* reason being? too "studenty". Not a bad market in itself, but unlikely to appeal to many people over 25.

That was my main concern about the overall concept, possible small captive audience. But, I'm a student at the moment and I thought it better that I write about what I know, hoping that the older generations will be able to look back to earlier years.

Thanks for the comments Badge, appreciated, I'll try and get the whole script onto the net somewhere, don't want to flood the whole forum with it realy.

I'll let you know.

After reading premise I didn't think I'd like this but it has a certain dynamic that kept me reading the full scene. As Badge says the Bret character has something.

Minor points:
Leave jokes out of directions. I've always been told that jokes are for action and dialogue never for sections that only production staff will see. Example: The Cooler than a cucumber line. Remove all such examples from the script.

Repetition of idea and words in the first two sentences. stable and comfortable. It was the moment in the synopsis I thought I wasn't going to like the piece.

Quote: Tom Pk @ December 21, 2006, 9:00 PM

UniverCity is a situation comedy following the life of Alex Roberts, a teenager who comes from a stable and comfortable background somewhere in British suburbia. Prior to going to university his home life and the people around him were stable and comforting, life was simply normal.

View original

Merge the two sentences because they convey exactly the same message:
UniverCity is a situation comedy based on Alex Roberts, a teenager who's stable, comfortable existence ends on entering university.

Mention British suburbia if you feel the need but, personally, I think it's implicit in the character's name and the fact that you are british submitting to UK producers.

Quote: Tom Pk @ December 21, 2006, 9:00 PM

BRET:
Yeah it’s open!

ALEX OPENS THE DOOR AND BEGINS HIS SENTENCE BEFORE BEING STOPPED BY THE SCENE BEFORE HIM; BECKERMEN IS SUSPENDED FROM A CHIN UP BAR, GREASED UP AND WEARING ONLY COLOURFUL LYCRA SHORTS. AS HE COMPLETES THE REPS A STUNNINGLY ATTRACTIVE WOMAN SITS IN A CHAIR AT THE SIDE WATCHING AND WRITING ON A PAD OF PAPER EVERY NOW AND THEN. EVENTUALLY BRET DROPS DOWN BUT DOESN’T ACHKNOWLEDGE ALEX.

ALEX:
I erm…

BRET:
One moment… (TO GIRL ON THE CHAIR)How did we do?

View original

This section is formatted wrong, imo. You have the trailed off sentence after the long description of the scene. To get it in correct order either:

A)ALEX OPENS THE DOOR. HIS OPENING SENTENCE IS STOPPED BY THE SCENE BEFORE HIM; [continue the scene description as above re: bret and the reps]

Then remove the Alex: I erm... as you've explained it in the direction.

Or B)

BRET:
Yeah it’s open!

ALEX OPENS THE DOOR.

ALEX:
I erm…

HIS SENTENCE IS STOPPED BY THE SCENE BEFORE HIM; BECKERMEN IS SUSPENDED FROM A CHIN UP BAR, GREASED UP ....

This section is an example of dialogue you can cut without loosing flow etc.

Quote: Tom Pk @ December 21, 2006, 9:00 PM

BRET:
Obviously there are…are different… combinations AHA, here we go Alex Roberts, now let’s take a look, which is the clash?

ALEX:
Wednesday at 1 o’clock

BRET:
Ok… says here you do an English Literature module

ALEX:
Yeah yeah, it’s more of an interest.

View original

Try:

BRET:
Obviously there are…are different… combinations. AHA, Alex Roberts, and the clash?

ALEX:
Wednesday. 1 o’clock

BRET:
Ok… English Literature.

ALEX:
Yeah yeah, it’s more of an interest.

These are only opinions and you may want to see the general consensus before agreeing / disagreeing. But generally you made a piece that I wasn't looking forward to, an interesting read.

SlagA, thanks for the response, I hear what you are saying and particularly with the synopsis repetition I can't believe I've done that. It's such an obvious error I can't believe I didn't pick up on it. Cheers

Hi Tom

To me, it read like a first draft I'm afraid. Your characters take a long time to say things and I think they need to say those things much shorter and much snappier.

This scene (scene 10) is maybe a bit out of context, because we haven't read what's happened before but I still get a sense of the story not 'moving on one stage', which is what each scene should do at the very least if nothing else. Without the context of this episode it's very difficult to tell what's happened.

I didn't think there were enough jokes in it, to be honest. This would be rectified as you rewrite and think of more things.

Your characters need a bit more defining. I thought they were a bit woolly around the edges. For example, if Alex is timid, he needs to be timid, not timid *and* sarcastic. Either that or make his character timid *and* sarcastic, if you see what I mean. As has been said on a different thread, maybe try to write a standalone episode first, before trying to write the character-building 'first' episode, as your characters should be better defined if you throw them in situations and see how they react.

One last thing. This could well be *the* most popular subject for someone to write about. Everyone thinks their uni days were unique and special but they were in fact more or less the same as everyone else's. I thought about writing a similar thing whilst at uni but let it go because I didn't think it would appeal widely enough. You're going to have to write something *very* special for it to succeed.

Sorry if this sounds overcritical, but I'd rather see you get something constructive out of it! I'd suggest you rewrite, then rewrite, then rewrite again!

Hope this helps

Dan

Hi Dan,

Don't worry about being over-critical it all helps. I'm gonna go back and tighten the script and I'm still working on getting the whole thing on the net. Regarding your comment on the stand alone episode specifically, I think this is a great idea, in fact I have written half of episode two and I like it much more than Ep 1 simply because I was a bit braver with it and there was more room for comedy in place of development. Would a production company take a 'middle of the series episode'?
With regards to the need for more jokes and snappier dialogue, I've always been repelled by 'jokes' per se, and I find some of the most hideous comedies being based around gags which a whole scene of dialogue is just a set up to if you know what I mean. I've always gone for comedy such as Peep Show, Scrubs, Partirdge, where a lot of it is visual and just on delivery rather than punch lines. Having said that, a definate tightening of the script is definately in order.

Thanks Dan and I welcome any more advice in light of my reply

For me middle of the series is better the shows had time to settle and is at it's prime.
Can I make one crit though Alex sort of strikes me as a watered down DR. Cox from scrubs he joins in the parry of jokes I would like to see the lecturer more fed up with all the students constantly buzzing around high on them selves..but thats me

The synopsis made me read the whole thing and I thought the scene was good. I found myself liking Alex and even Brett in a strange way.

I agree with the others that stuff needs to be tidied-up for the reason that you should minimize any chance of it being rejected. If they reject it because of spelling or something of that nature, you're not giving yourself a decent enough chance and it's not fair on the actual material in a way, which I enjoyed.

I think you're right to write about what you know.

My hobby is being rejected by BBC Writersroom and I have had really strong, helpful, positive comments from independent producers so don't feel downbeat at the rejection. I think many companies would accept 'middle of the series' scripts, just check with them first in your initial approach.

Hi Gavin, depending on how much more I write of the series there will be a certain development to the lecturer which was planned. I deliberately didn't want to make a depressing or bitter character, I felt bitterness is done a lot and I wanted Beckerman to be liked rather than another character who's misfortune is laughed at. Basically though Beckerman is a player, surrounded by beautiful women, his problem is however, that none of them have an intellect great enough to stimulate him and so he is actually dissatisfied, but of course he doesn't let on.
But of course, I'll probably never get round to writing that.

Cheers for looking Scott T. I'm looking into tidying up as we speak.

ah ha so just bored with his life, you should definatley keep going with it then it may become more clear as the episodes progress. I was like that when I was in uni but thats another story

Hi Tom,

Don’t use that synopsis frankly it bored me to tears luckily I had nothing better to do and read on and enjoy the script.

Bret did remind me of the PE teacher from the Grimleys

Barry

Hi Barry thanks for looking. Any more specific pointers on the synopsis? How can I improve it?

Ok got the whole script uploaded to the net. It's in a new thread so that people can see that it's up there.

Quote: Tom Pk @ January 2, 2007, 9:56 PM

Hi Barry thanks for looking. Any more specific pointers on the synopsis? How can I improve it?

View original

Re: Synopis, I've heard you should try to condense the premise into a sentence, then expand a little into a paragraph. A good guideline I've read is to imagine you're writing a Radio Times description for their listings page. Has to be compact and tight.