Election Monitor 87 - Day 5 : Mitford and Jacques Zone
So under a Conservative Government the pot holes will be filled in. Sadly it turned out that the policy had nothing to do with addressing the legal loopholes in enforcing the laws on cannabis which have led to a rapid rise in people and squirrels being killed by speeding drugged up drivers. Nor was "holes" an abbreviation of "arseholes" or "filled in" a euphemism" for "beating the shit out of someone" as defined in the great Urban Dictionary. That is, when it comes to. dope crazed cinema maniacs waving machetes at petrified small children. Consequently while Ms Patel may keep responsibilities for Home Affairs, her hard as nails approach hasn't quite yet seized the agenda but hopefully it will do.
Elsewhere there was a pledge to plant 30,0000 dandelions - oh no sorry "trees" though one senses Bojo wouldn't recognise ash die back if one of the half of ash that is to decay hit him on the bonce and said "concrete me over". So to, quote Coldplay one way or another "it's all yellow". Still, although it isn't in their pamphlet - what we used to call a manifesto - Tories may at least once such a crush happens send all GPs on a course to address their Munchhausen Syndrome by Proxy. The sort which none of them will pass until they are no longer inclined to say "I'n not goin' out to see that old cow of 90 - she could kill me and I ain't riskin' that for no moosh - jus' let 'er peg it : where's me loadsamoney?"
Officially GPs are now the second most evil and disgusting people in the UK. Hence Tories plan to have more nurses. This is a truly great thing, Let's replace all GPs with nurses from now on. They will bring back the phrase "ooh matron". Regrettably, their strategists again speculated whether Mr Corbyn's special glasses revealed that, quote, "the old man" had indeed had a stroke. If ever there was an example of needing to make ageism an equal offence to racism and homophobia it was that but, hey, let us not change the key laws until we know Trump and Biden will not be President in 2021.
Labour announced that it would be helping the WASPI women. So as to address their concerns there will be a level of borrowing which exceeds the entire defence and education budgets in the UK. Eye-watering figures but for a party which is on its own defence from accusations of anti-semitism one had assumed that they were still sound in other racial areas. So why on earth just prioritise White Anglo Saxon Protestant Inglanders? Oh hold on. Did I get that wrong too?. It might imply that men who were misled are also to be compensated which is obviously not the case. Whatever, the extreme or "progressive" (natch) nature of the Labour manifesto which at least has as its title a real touching nostalgia - "Would The Last Person To Leave What Remains of The Country - Not a Lot - Turn Out The Eco Lights", was belittled by what emerged as the private Lab-LIb Dem deal to try to ensure big numbers of Lib Dem seats in the riviera of the South West,.
Centred around Mick Cash of RMT who spent many years copying the accent of Bob Crow but can't quite shrug off the tones of Essex and Irish Travellers from County Kildare from whom he comes, that non existent rail service throughout December "and all because of the Tories" is, they hope, going to be a winner for the centrists. That's especially when Devon dislocates from Cornwall and Somerset from this week's floods. Not that we should overstate his influence or that of the parties mentioned. South West Train staff are the most revolting, world hating people in England at any time. Even worse than modern GPs. It is like they are the bastard kids of Scargill and Hatton. I found that personally when purely by coincidence one went permanently missing in Southampton and another disappeared and was never found in Exeter on a day when I just about managed to get a train. .My visits were roughly at the same time but it was like the revolving door of a hotel. I had no idea what was going on because thousands of people were walking less in than out. OK, I did end up driving those trains myself. But one is confused. Don't gypsies as a matter of blood standard normally faciliate travel?
Baroness Bennett of Manor Castle, once plain Natalie Bennett of the vehemently anti elite Green Party, popped up from nowhere to say that one return trip from the UK to Australia a year by aeroplane should not have a climate tax attached to it (she herself is Australian) but anyone taking two flights a year from London to Dublin or Edinburgh should be taxed until their pips squeak so as to save the planet. Is it small wonder that she has largely been replaced by Jonathan "don't ask him about young male drivers and road deaths" Barclay and Sian "ok I used to - but stop permanently inspecting my model look nostrils" Berry as an alternative voice to The Queen Caroline of Brighton Pavilion. That one gets more like her authoritarian Tory father daily. She hardly needs at what would have been pensioner age in the good times to play the rebel. It was also a remarkable kick in Remain Alliance pal Jo Swinson's teeth given she has flown 77 times in the last 18 months. Sure, she could still be the first PM with a 603 seat majority but one needing to file for ecological bankruptcy.
Talking of gerrymandering, the SDLP and several other candidates in Belfast North have stood aside so as to ensure a win for Sinn Fein in Belfast North. Oh thank Christ, We won't have to put up with seeing its sitting MP Nigel Dodds on our television sets ever again and it comes with the added bonus that Sinn Fein themselves refuse to sit in Parliament. One guesses he will speak in the future simply as a male Arlene Foster - totally unelected in Westminster terms and obnoxiously over-powerful while SF when it comes to proper peaceful politics will still refuse to sit in Stormont too or get up out of bed in the morning. At least with Sturgeon who is equally unelected in Westminster terms, not that Joe Public knows it, you get a bit of energetic all winning if manipulative confidence. The reasonable presentation is especially attractive when you realise that it took her or her helpers four months to find an outfit that was the exact colour of the Brexit Party just so as to subliminally rub their noses in it. BXP blue from not M & S (or S & M). Bespoke and all luvverly.
Was there anything in this time segment that could be relied upon? Oh yus. Nige declared for the umpteenth time that he would abolish the House of Lords as he still hasn't been made Baron Farage of Biggin Hill and Plaid have been out in force in Gwent breaking off road signs near the English border. It's been happening since time began and it's a bit belt and braces from an English view when we are more than content whatever our persuasions with simply having Offa's Dyke. In this era, I am reminded of the evening when I went for a meal in the village of Stoke Saint Gregory and was amazed to find the piano player was black. The spitting image of Nat King Cole and he did such a wonderful rendition of "Trouble" that I was totally enraptured and completely forgot about my overly expensive just outside of Taunton steak pudding. No trains, No GPs, No politics. On balance, ideally the world should have ended in that moment. With a friendly nuclear bomb,