I've churned out another sitcom script. Feast your eyes on it and let me know what you think, please.

SCENE 1. EXT. NIGHT STREET

DAVID AND KEVIN ARE WALKING HOME. KEVIN IS VISUALLY HAMMERED.

KEVIN:

Whoa. I don't feel so good.

DAVID:

Twenty-Five pints is enough to kill most people. Count yourself lucky you're kind of walking.

KEVIN:

(Concerned) Uh oh. Lamppost.

DAVID:

Where?

KEVIN:

(Pointing ahead) There.

PULL BACK TO REVEAL A LAMPPOST, WHICH IS A FAIR DISTANCE AWAY.

DAVID:

That's miles away.

KEVIN:

I don't have time to move out of the way. Oh shit!

DAVID:

You're not even walking in line with the lamppost anyway.

KEVIN SLOWLY STUMBLES TOWARDS THE LAMPPOST.

KEVIN:

Aggh! I'm going to hit it.

KEVIN SLOWLY "CRASHES" INTO THE LAMPPOST.

SCENE 2. EXT. NIGHT STREET

THEY ARE STILL WALKING.

KEVIN:

Hold on. I need to phish.

KEVIN STUMBLES TOWARDS A PRIMARY SCHOOL. HE APPROACHES THE BARS AND GOES TO URINATE.

DAVID:

Hey, you can't do that.

KEVIN:

I can.

DAVID:

You can't.

KEVIN:

(Shocked) What did you call me?

DAVID:

What? No, can't. C.A.N.T.

KEVIN:

Oh, for a second there, I thought you'd called me a cu...

DAVID:

(Interrupting) Aye, aye. Look, you can't get your thing out at a primary school. That's borderline pedophilia.

KEVIN:

You know what they say, "If they're old enough to hold a fork".

DAVID:

(Abrupt) Okay, let's go home.

KEVIN:

You know I'm only joking.

DAVID:

I know that. Others don't. what if someone comes along and sees us. You know how embarrassed I'd be.

KEVIN:

A smidge?

DAVID:

A bit more. It wouldn't be the first time you've embarrassed me.

SCENE 3. INT. DAY BAR D

DAVID IS CHATTING TO A LADY.

DAVID:

And then I moved out of Eric's place and into Kevin's. He already lived with Vicky and James, so there are four of us there.

LADY:

It must be crowded.

DAVID:

Not really.

KEVIN APPROACHES.

KEVIN:

I’ve got two extra holes in my penis. Is that a good thing?

THE LADY IS SHOCKED AND DAVID IS EMBARRASSED.

SCENE 4. EXT. NIGHT OUTSIDE A HOUSE

KEVIN IS TRYING TO PUT A TWIG INTO A KEYHOLE. PULL BACK AND REVEAL DAVID STANDING AT THE HOUSE NEXT DOOR.

DAVID:

Kevin? Do you want to come over to this side of the hedge?

SCENE 5. INT. NIGHT THE HOUSE - LIVING ROOM

KEVIN AND DAVID ENTER. THE LIGHT IS ON. VICKY IS SLEEPING ON THE COUCH.

DAVID:

(Quietly) why is the light on?

KEVIN:

I don't know.

DAVID:

(Pointing at the couch) Shh.

KEVIN STANDS BY THE COUCH.

KEVIN:

I get you. I'll be as quite as I can.

KEVIN DOES AN EXTREMELY LOUD SNEEZE THAT CAUSES VICKY TO WAKE UP IMMEDIATELY. AFTER A FEW SECONDS, SHE LIES BACK DOWN AGAIN AND FALLS BACK TO SLEEP, WITHOUT ANY ACKNOWLEDGMENT THAT DAVID AND KEVIN ARE THERE.

DAVID:

Bloody hell, Kevin. I think it's time we go to bed.

KEVIN:

Okay. Is there anyone in bathroom? Because if there is, they're about to get some company.

KEVIN GOES TO THE BATHROOM.

DAVID:

My God, that man's weird.

VICKY TURNS AND FALLS OFF THE COUCH.

SCENE 6. INT. DAY THE 24HR - TEAROOM

VICKY AND DIANE ARE IN THE 24HR SHOP TEAROOM. THE POSTER ON THE WALL READS, 1. NO SWEARING 2. NO RUNNING WITH SCISSORS 3. NO TANTRUMS 4. NO BREAKING THE RULES 5. NO MORE THAN 4 RULES ALLOWED ON POSTER AT ANY ONE TIME. VICKY IS READING A MAGAZINE.

VICKY:

Can you help me here? I'm having trouble telling who's who.

DIANE HAS A LOOK AT THE MAGAZINE.

DIANE:

Well, that (points at the first picture) is Trinny Woodall. And that (points at the second picture) is (BEAT) Bill Bailey.

VICKY:

Cheers.

DIANE:

Vicky?

VICKY:

Who, me?

DIANE:

Err, yeah. You live with a load of blokes, don't ya?

VICKY:

I think so, yeah.

DIANE:

They're around our age, yeah?

VICKY:

James is twenty-three, Kevin's twenty-five like me, and David's twenty-seven like you.

DIANE:

Right.

VICKY:

(Reading) Hey, did you know that the United States of America is in North America?

DIANE:

Funny enough, I did, yes.

VICKY:

I never knew that.

DIANE:

You were never that good at Geography were you?

VICKY:

Geography is that something to do with Cookery?

DIANE:

No. It's more to do with the study of earth and it's features, like where certain countries are located.

VICKY:

Oh, I'm not that bad at that.

DIANE:

Oh yeah? Where is Spain located?

VICKY:

Jermisnia?

DIANE:

That's not even a word. How about this. An easy one. Where is the Great Wall of China located?

VICKY:

I don't know. West Brom?

DIANE:

You think that when Frank Skinner goes to The Hawthorns stadium, he has to climb over the Great Wall of China to get in?

VICKY:

To be honest, I'm just glad that West Brom is a real place. I just said the first two words that came into my head.

for the whole script go to:

http://pc.celtx.com/project/PcnDvr8BJAVi/view/http://celtx.com/res/voHIWvYIaAS1

Ha ha, I liked it. Too lazy to go and read the whole thing I'm afraid, but made me chuckle a fair bit. Would definitely watch. Nice work.

I read the first couple of scenes.
I would remove the 'embarrassment' exposition and the (already done by Partridge) 'can't' joke.

Quote: Aaron @ June 23, 2007, 7:54 AM

Would definitely watch. Nice work.

View original

thanks!

JohnnyD - Can't remember that being done before, but was thinking about possibly taking that out anyway, so your comment has really helped, thanks.

Quote: earman2009 @ June 23, 2007, 10:57 AM

JohnnyD - Can't

View original

You'll get yourself banned!

Quote: JohnnyD @ June 23, 2007, 1:21 PM

You'll get yourself banned!

View original

Yes Earman I liked it. Just read that extract. I am going to come back and read the whole thing laters. Well done you.

Thanks Charley, your views on the the ending of the script would be very useful as I'm not sure if it's that strong.

I'm actually in the process of chnaging the ending a bit, but feedback on the current ending (available via the link at the bottom of the first post) is still appriated as the new ending won't be that different, just a bit more added on to wrap it up a bit better.

Lines

Count yourself lucky you're walking...well, kind of (You can add some business in here between the walking and the kind of)

Reminded me of the Men Behaving Badly style, which is no bad thing.

There's plenty of room for business in this, which is always good as it makes the most of the medium. I would watch extranious lines though, lines which don't really fit or flow properly. Read the lines out to yourself and see. The funny bit should be at the end of the line or as close to it as possible. Also you may like to trim a little. the lampost thing was good. Liked the house thing. You need to cut down on a line when you ahve a visual though, because otherwise you diminish both laughs.

Other than that good stuff. Liked it a lot.

Read the rest and enjoyed - particularly Kevin.

I thought Vicky listing everyone's age (Scene 6) was very awkward. Presumably, casting would handle this.

I'm not sure I believed 'sensible' David approaching a stranger for accommodation.

I didn't get the 'Ants' joke. Probably, just me.

Best

I enjoyed this extract too and I`m looking forward to reading the rest.

Thanks a million for all the very useful comments; I'll take everything on board. I'll take a look at scene 6 and the "ants" bit and rewrite or discard those. Really appreciate all of the comments, thanks.

Here's an idea that I just came up with there a few seconds ago:

After "twenty fives is enough to kill most people" cut to:

SCENE 2. EXT. NIGHT
ALLEYWAY

A MAN IS WALKING HOME WHEN HE IS SURROUNDED BY TWENTY FIVE PINTS OF LAGER.

MAN:

Oh my God twenty five pints!

THE LAGERS ATTACK HIM.

Then cut back to "Count yourself lucky...."

Good idea or rubbish?