I changed one of my kiddies charachter names to Zoooe. All meant in jest fellow female comrade.

TWO GUYS FROM TAUNTEN TALKING IN THE PARK

TONY: (TAUNTEN ACCENT)
Twas watching this here programme obouts science last night and I nearly choked on a handful owe me's own mini pickled eggs...'N' it takes a lot for that to appen...i can tell ya's.

BOB: (TAUNTEN ACCENT)
Why what was you ere watching.

TONY:
This weird looking fella sitting in a talking wheelchair...my his teeth were bright grey en all...i bets he's had his fare share of sugar sandwiches..anyways
this here fella and his talking wheelchair were goin on abouts the atmosphere en that.

BOB:
What..that old disco clubby building in town...where all those tary girls go to get shagged.

TONY:
No the atmosphere...way up yonder...above all those flying aeroplanes that's ruining all our potatoes with their Ozone's.

BOB:
What about it.

TONY:
Well apparently this Stephen Hawkwind fella and his talking wheelchair reckon tha it's going to implode or something.

BOB:
I aint no talking wheelchair Tony but dont you mean explode.

TONY:
That's what I thought...but the wheelchair definitely said implode.

BOB:
Oh dear...is imploding worse then.

TONY:
I dont know...but I reckon if it twas...you'd have thought that Stephenh Hawkwind would of found out before his talking wheelchair...i'm gonna have a word with Dave down the Kings Arms.

BOB:
Why will his wheelchair have all the answers.

TONY:
i dont know but somethings going on

INT. COUNCIL HOUSE

SLOBBY MUM AND DAD SIT ON SOFA SMOKING/EATING WHILE WATCHING TELLY.

A SWATTY TEENAGE GEEK (THEIR SON JAMIE) COMES IN WEARING A WHITE LAB COAT WITH BIRO'S IN THE POCKET. HE'S BREATHLESS WITH EXCITEMENT.

JAMIE: Mum, Dad... I've got something really important to tell you.

MUM bored) Yeah... we know... X factor's been moved to after the
news.

JAMIE: (frustrated) No, It's not about a stupid telly programme!

MUM AND DAD EXCHANGE A SHOCKED LOOK.

DAD: Don't be talking to your mother like that... she's invested a lot of hard earned child benefit phoning in to vote.

MUM: Yeah... and if that Shanaiah wins I know it's fixed, cos Carol at the bingo's been voting against her too.

JAMIE TAKES A DEEP BREATH, AND TALKS SLOWLY AND CLEARLY.

JAMIE: Look, what I've got to say will only take a minute. You won't miss the start of X Factor, I promise.

MUM AND DAD TURN TO FACE HIM. MUM POPS A PEANUT IN HER MOUTH.

MUM: Go on then.

JAMIE: Okay... you know the electronics set Aunt Miriam bought me for Christmas? Well I combined it with an old robot wars model to build a sub particle generator, and have just managed to split the atom!

MUM AND DAD ONCE AGAIN EXCHANGE A SHOCKED LOOK.

MUM STANDS CROSSLY.

MUM: Oh, I f**king knew you'd broken something... I'll get the dustpan and brush.

ps... how do you disable emoticons?

This is an old sketch but noones gonna see it because its so far down the thread so arse, fart, balls, bastard, jismonkey bandits, cock sucking whore, son of a two ball bitch, motherf**ker. Enjoy...

JOHN CRUISE AND SADIE HOLMES WEDDING
JOHN CRUISE AND SADIE HOLMES ARE TAKING QUESTIONS AFTER BEING MARRIED

REPORTER 1:
So how did your scientology wedding go?

JOHN CRUISE:
I think you got us mixed up with Tom and Katie we’re Religiontologists

REPORTER 1:
What’s that?

SADIE:
Well Scientology is a religion based on science, we’re a science based on religion.

REPORTER 2:
How does that work

JOHN:
Well we try to prove the existence of religion by performing scientific experiments.

SADIE:
For example we were able to turn water into wine. We just added grapes

JOHN:
That’s right. We also managed to feed five hundred people with five loaves and two fish by using two great white sharks.

REPORTER 1:
How does that prove anything, anyone could do that.

SADIE:
But the ultimate aim of Religiontology is to try and answer the age old question, if God exists why do bad things happen?

REPORTER 2:
Have you found out?

JOHN:
We have two competing theories, either God hates us or God loves us. We just don’t know.

REPORTER 1:
What’s your next experiment

JOHN:
Well it’s a tricky one

REPORTER 2:
What is it?

JOHN:
I’m going to try and get a virgin pregnant. 42 attempts and still no luck.

SADIE:
You'll crack it eventually honey.

Quite a few entries this week, for once. I'll have to post one later.

EXT. GARDEN - MIDNIGHT.

A DAD AND HIS SON STAND AROUND THE TELESCOPE POINTING TOWARDS THE STARLIT SKIES.

DAD
So son are you excited about your first night of astronomy?

SON
Yeah Dad I can't wait, can I look through the eye piece yet?

DAD
No Son, first we have to set up the coordinates.

CUT TO:

20 MINUTES LATER. THE SON OBVIOUSLY BORED WHILST THE DAD HOGS THE EYE PIECE.

DAD
O.k. son, now just be careful, it's set exactly right and you should be able to see Saturn and its ring.

DAD TURNS AROUND TO REACH INTO THE TELESCOPES BOX. THE SON THEN LEAPS IN FRONT OF THE EYE PIECE, ACCIDENTALLY KNOCKING ITS POSITION. HE DOESN'T CONFESS TO IT AND LOOKS THROUGH THE EYE PIECE ANYWAY AND SEES DARKNESS.

DAD
Can you see it son?

SON
Yeah it’s great.

A BRIGHT LIGHT FILLS THE LENS. THE SON ADJUSTS THE MAGNIFICATION. IT FOCUSES ONTO A BEDROOM WINDOW.
A BEAUTIFUL NAKED WOMAN STEPS INTO VIEW.

SON (CONTINUED)
Wow!

DAD
I told you Son.

THE WOMAN BENDS OVER REVEALING HER ARSE.

DAD (CONTINUED)
Can you see the ring?

SON
Yeah, it’s great!

DAD
We’ll have a look at the full moon later.

SON
I can see it from here.

DAD
You know, if you enjoy using that telescope so much, we could use it in the day, it would be great for bird watching.

SON
I can imagine.

DAD
If we’re lucky we maybe able to see Jupiter, it could be quite an eyeful.

SON
I’m getting quite an Eiffel now.

DAD
O.k. stop hogging it let me have a look.

SON
Just a bit longer Dad, please?

DAD
Alright, I’m glad you’re enjoying it.

SON
It’s very educational. (BEAT) Dad can star jumps? Because I’m seeing some now and it’s amazing.

DAD
No I don’t think so? (LAUGHS) Maybe you’ve got it pointed at a pair of rockets.

SON
I think you might be right.

DAD
O.k. Come on Son, my turn now.

SON
Aw, Dad.

THE SON RELUCTANTLY MOVES OUT OF THE WAY AND SWAPS PLACES WITH HIS DAD. JUST BEFORE HIS EYE REACHES THE EYE PIECE, HIS WIFE’S VOICE APPEARS FROM THE DARKNESS.

MUM
Are you boys having fun?

SON
Yes, it’s brilliant.

MUM
See, it’s better then Playstation isn’t it?

SON
Deffo.

MUM
O.k. Let me have a look.

DAD
Have a quick look then because I’ll be hogging it all night. (Playful wink to his Son)

THE MUM LOOKS THROUGH THE EYE PIECE.

MUM
I can’t believe it. That’s disgusting, showing that kind of stuff to your Son.

DAD
What?!

MUM SLAPS DAD ACROSS THE FACE. SHE GRABS THE SON AND MARCHES HIM INSIDE THE HOUSE.

DAD (CONTINUED)
What just happened?

THE DAD LOOKS THROUGH THE EYE PIECE. BUT JUST MISSES THE CURTAINS CLOSING. WHICH TURN OUT TO BE SPACED THEMED CURTAINS.

SON
Aw, Mum.

DAD (CONTINUED)
What’s the problem?

HE STANDS THERE LOOKING CONFUSED AND SLIGHTLY DISAPPOINTED.

DAD (CONTINUED)
I don’t feel like doing this now. I wonder if I can find some boobs?

END.

Okay I am gonna put my vote in now as I am on a big plane tomorrow. Wahooooooooooooooo.

I am voting for Leevil this week. Loved the sketch. My kinda comedy that one. On the very very very very very slight chance I win this week, can the comp be about death please. Fankoo. Byedy bye.

I made it into a story!

*whoops with joy*

COMPETITION CLOSED. NO ENTRY BEYOND THIS POINT. I WILL RELEASE THE HOUNDS.

GO HERE TO VOTE - https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/1775