JOHN WORKS IN THE GENERAL REGISTRY OFFICE AND IS TODAY WORKING ON BIRTHS, WHEN A MAN WALKS IN WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND AND A DOUBLE PRAM, WITH A BABY BOY AND GIRL INSIDE

MAN: I'd like to register the birth of my twins please

JOHN: Ok, the boy first then. First name

MAN: Boy

JOHN: That's right the Boy

MAN: Not "The Boy", just Boy

JOHN: You want to call him Boy

MAN: That's right

MAN AND GIRLFRIEND LOOK PLEASED AND SMILE AT EACHOTHER

JOHN: Surname

MAN: Man

JOHN: His surname will be Man?

MAN: That's right

JOHN: Boy Man

MAN: Yep

JOHN: And the girl

MAN: Girl

JOHN SHAKES HIS HEAD

JOHN: Surname

MAN: Man

JOHN: Thought so. Sir, I'm not sure if I can let this happen, I mean, to call your son, Boy Man and your daughter Girl Man. It's just cruel. I'd have to get it authorised by my Manager, Graham Skull. Wouldn't it be easier just to name them after you.

Man: I have, I'm HE MAN and you'll do this by the powers of Gray Skull

VOICEOVER:
(show heroic clips as they are mentioned) Globetrotter, mountain climber, underwater explorer, nail biter. Mickey Lamb seems to have done it all in his illustrious career but Mickey has set his sights on one last expedition before his tea.

Mickey is going to jump over a pencilcase.

PRESENTER:
Mickey. Surely you can't be serious? You have had a fantastic career. If you fail; your career will be in ruins. I mean no-one has jumped over a pencilcase before.

MICKEY:
(definite voice) Well that is why I want to do it. There-in lies the intrigue. If the task was to swim Everest it wouldnt be a challenge would it... because its been done before.

PRESENTER:
Now this jump of yours. Is the pencilcase going to be open or closed?

MICKEY:
Pure open.

PRES:
Oh sweet Jesus! Surely you can't be serious. Thats suicide!

MICK:
Some call it suicide others call it jumping over a pencilcase. Either way I'm doing it. With a good wind behind me I should scale the case.

PRES:
Ok Mickey, we'll let you go get ready and we will bring in our expert on stationary jumps, Stack Midleton. Stack, how do you rate his chances?

STACK:
Well Susan, I was Benny Mottleshaws trainer in the 70's when he javelined himself over a setsquare. This is quite similar. I know Mickey takes these things seriously. He has spent the last couple of weeks in a stationary cupboard preparing for todays event.

His preparation has been second to none but he has always been like that. If you remember he spent several weeks in the Antartic acclimatising himself for his famous fridge freezer expedition of '99. I think he will do it you know.

PRES:
Remember its not just a matter of scaling the case or not. If he plunges into the case there are untold amount of dangers. A pointy 2h pencil sticking up, the sharp edge of a pencil sharpener, a loose staple, protractors. It's vital he clears it.

STACK:
True. But if I know Mickey like you think I do there should be no problems.

PRES:
Here is Mickey now and he has the pencilcase with him.

MICK:
Looking at it in my hands it might'nt look all that daunting but when you add in the element of foreshortening its a whole different ballgame.

MICKEY LAYS THE PENCILCASE DOWN IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA AND RUNS FAR UP THE FIELD UNTIL HE LOOKS VERY SMALL IN RELATION TO THE CASE.

MICK:
Look at the distance I have to jump now.

PRES:
So this is it. Mikey is going through his prejump ritual. (he comments on everything Mickey does) Tying his lace, adjusting his shorts a little, looking, standing now. He is taking a long run at this....and h-he has slowed down. He doesn't seem to be taking it seriously. He thinks its his practice jump.

Mickey its not your practice, this is your real jump!!

MICK:
Huh?

HE CLUMSILY TRIES TO JUMP BUT FALLS INTO THE PENCILCASE. THERE IS STUNNED SILENCE.

PRES:
(INCONSOLABLE) Someone tell him...Mickey!
Oh no folks..I-it looks like our modern day legend. our hero, our champion. The man who scaled the highest mountains and swam the deepest oceans looks to have perished in a pencilcase. I'm finding it hard to find the words...

THE PENCILCASE MOVES SLIGHTLY.

PRES:
(hope returns) But wait! Whats this?... They're bringing us a big plate of food.

(happily) Goodbye.

CREDITS ROLL: 'MICKEY LAMB WAS HURT IN THE MAKING OF THIS FILM'

END.

SCENE. INT. FANCY HOTEL. EVENING.

Bruce Wayne is sat at a table with 2 other people. They are all drinking champagne.

WOMAN
Well frankly I think the Batman is a good thing for Gotham, let's face it he's doing more than the police ever have!

BRUCE
I dunno, a man running around in tights jumping from buildings, it sounds pretty weird to me.

BRUCE smugly drinks his champagne.

MAN
Well I don't want to sound out of line, but I'm pretty sure it's you actually.

BRUCE
What?

MAN
I'm sorry, but I can't think of anyone else in Gotham who can afford to purchase and run a rocket car!

BRUCE
Well maybe...

MAN
(Interrupting)
And if you're not Batman how come the second you move back to the city, batman all of a sudden turns up?

WOMAN
He has a point you know.

BRUCE
I'm not the Batman that's insane.

WOMAN
That's another thing we were having dinner with Clark Kent last week and I'm certain he's superman, he always seems to be wearing something underneath his clothes like a suit.

MAN
Oh and despite the glasses, he looks the spit; I can't believe know one has ever noticed!

BRUCE
Listen this is insane, I happen to know Clark Kent and he's definitely not superman.

MAN
How do you know Clark Kent?

BRUCE
Err, through facebook?

MAN
I bet it was the Justice League really.

BRUCE
Listen I've had enough, I'm not Batman, now let's drop it!

WOMAN
Ok, fine, no need to be so defensive we didn't mean to accuse you.

MAN
No, we're really sorry (PAUSE) So Bruce, how's Robin doing?

BRUCE
Yeah, he's great...

WOMAN
(Interrupting)
Got you!

BRUCE
Bollocks!

END

INT.SWIMMING POOL.DAY

JANE AUSTEN'S MR. DARCY IS SITTING UP ON A LIFEGUARDS CHAIR FULLY CLOTHED LOOKING SUITABLY BROODY, REMOTE AND HANDSOME. SUDDENLY THERE IS A SHOUT OF DISTRESS FROM SOMEONE IN THE POOL IN FRONT OF HIM. DARCY SLOWLY CLIMBS DOWN FROM THE CHAIR THEN WALKS TO THE OPPOSITE END OF THE POOL REMOVING HIS FROCK COAT AS HE DOES SO. HE THEN DIVES INTO THE POOL AND SWIMS THE ENTIRE LENGTH UNDERWATER AND IN SLOW MOTION FOR WHAT SEEMS LIKE AGES. WHEN HE FINALLY EMERGES A LITTLE GIRL IS BEING RESUSCITATED BY THE SIDE OF THE POOL SURROUNDED BY WORRIED LOOKING PEOPLE INCLUDING THE POOL MANAGER WHO SPOTS DARCY

POOL MANAGER
Oi! You! You're sacked!

DARCY STRIKES A SUITABLY WOUNDED YET NOBLE POSE THEN NODS AND GAZES UP AT THE HEAVENS ACCURSEDLY

FRIAR TUCK GOES TO SEE WILL SCARLETT.

FRIAR TUCK:
Sorry I'm late sir I bought a new Praystation, and It took me a while to set it all up.

WILL SCARLETT:
Well no matter, you're here now. I was thinking Friar, isn't it about time that we wrote about all our adventures. So that we keep a record of our dangerous escapades & brave deeds.

FRIAR TUCK:
The amazing tales of Will Scarlett & his Merry Men. It is a story that should never be forgotten or changed in any way.

WILL SCARLETT:
The question is who do we get to write the damned thing, I'd do it myself but I'm far too modest to even try to begin to describe my awesome wonderfulness.

FRIAR TUCK:
Maybe we could ask your lovely wife Marian.

WILL SCARLETT:
Women just can't write as well as men back in this day & age, you won't find a single maiden capable of such a job in whole of Sherwood forest, Victoria woods maybe, but not Sherwood forest.

FRIAR TUCK
Perhaps one of the Merry men could do the job, what about Little John?

WILL SCARLETT:
There isn't a feathered creature in the entire world grand enough to bear a quill of sufficient size to fit Johns terrific fingers of Sausage

FRIAR TUCK:
How about David of Doncaster?

WILl SCARLETT:
Too gritty!

FRIAR TUCK:
Alan A'Dale?

WILL SCARLETT:
Too manufactured, He doesn't even compose his own songs?

FRIAR TUCK:
Arthur a Bland?

WILL SCARLETT:
Anyone but Arthur! He didn't get that name by writing exciting thrillers you know!

FRIAR TUCK:
Well that's everyone I can think of at the moment…

WILL SCARLETT
What about that new fellow the Green Hooded one, he's got quite a way with words what's his name Ronald, Robert?

FRIAR TUCK:
Oh you mean Robin, I don't know about that, I don't really trust him

WILL SCARLETT:
He does have a rather high opinion of himself but his grasp of punctuation is first class.

FRIAR TUCK:
You can't say the same about his skill with a bow & arrow, he's dangerous out there, a flaming liability!

WILL SCARLETT:
All the more reason to engage him in a task more suited to his skills... besides, what harm could it do?

Looking at previous Skit Comp. threads, it looks like we get one vote each. (A "single transferrable vote"—type system, similar to the Eurovision Song Contest—might be worth trying in future.)

Swerytd's "Middle-Class Crisis Man Sketch" made me laugh out loud, so that gets my vote.

(Honourable mention to Bushbaby too. I love puns, me.)

Between Leevil and Rick Allden for me. But Leevil edges it.

Geoff Mutton. (I also liked Dan and Minty's offerings)

Swerytd for me ( a shout for Steve Sunshine too though ) - Good quality this week, most were dang good

Leevil, Nigel and stimarco all raised smiles, but Steve edges it for his process of elimination with the merry men (I particularly liked John's terrific fingers of sausage) and because he got bonus points for knowing who Arthur a Bland is.

Generally a good rendering. Nice radio piece Rick, but....

...it's Steve Sunshine for me.

Swerytd

Steve Sunshine's was great. Needs a bit of a polish but broadcast quality idea, IMO!

Dan

Oh I nearly forgot about this, throws one back at NIL, with the "Smell my justice!" line

Lee, you get my vote you funny f**ker... Laughed for about a week after reading that one.