The back garden of a house it is morning, birds are whistling in the trees. We see a shed and we hear banging.

Night time in the back garden of the house.
A woman is standing in the patio doorway looking less than impressed.

A man is on the lawn standing next to a very large, very homemade Chinese Lantern covered in headlines from old newspapers.

The man lights the lantern and much to his delight it begins to ascend.

The man follows the flight of the lantern with pride.

The woman is also following the lanterns ascent. However she has her arms folded and looks less than impressed.

The lantern continues to rise.

A jet can be heard.

The Jet hits the lantern and goes into a dive, crashing into a large block of flats there are outrageous explosions and cries of humanity.

The man runs into the house and closes the patio doors, the woman switches off the light the couple face each other as the flames from the flats dance across the darkened room.

The man is in total shock and is completely white faced and has wet his trousers.

Woman

"You f**king dickhead!"

FRANK IS IN THE GARDEN WITH HIS TWO YOUNG CHILDREN – ALICE, 6 AND TOM, 7. HE HAS HIS GARDENING GLOVES ON AND IS HOLDING A SPADE.

Alice: Daddy, can we help you dig?

Frank: Not really, darling, it’s very hard and you might hurt yourselves.

Tom: Oh please, daddy! We want to help.

FRANK CAVES IN AND THINKS OF A SOLUTION.

Frank: Okay, while I’m digging up this patch of grass, we’ll pretend I’m digging for treasure!

Alice: Oh yes please, daddy!

SUSAN, FRANKS WIFE, AND MOTHER OF TOM AND ALICE, OVERHEARS THE CONVERSATION AND CALLS OUT OF THE KITCHEN WINDOW AT HIM.

Susan: Frank, don’t start digging up the garden just to please the kids!

Frank:I’m not!

Susan: You ARE! Frank please!

Frank: (to the kids) Let’s not worry about mummy shall we? She spoils all our fun.

SUSAN, CATCHING HIS COMMENT, SHRUGS AND WALKS AWAY FROM THE WINDOW IN A HUFF.
FRANK CARRIES ON DIGGING AND HITS SOMETHING WITH HIS SPADE.

Frank: Wow…kids! I think daddy’s hit treasure!

Alice: What is it, daddy? Is it diamonds?

Frank:No Alice, don’t be silly, it’s just an old tin of some sort.

Tom: Daddy, daddy! Open it!

Frank: Well, let’s just carry on digging until I’ve finished and we’ll have a proper look at it later…get mummy to wash it first. Although…I’ll just have a tiny peek.

FRANK OPENS THE TIN SLIGHTLY AND SOME OLD PAPER WITH HANDWRITING ON IT STARTS TO COME OUT AS THE LID IS LIFTED. HE CLOSES THE TIN AGAIN VERY CAREFULLY.

Frank:Yes…let’s just leave it for now. It could be something important…don’t want to mess about with it too much do we?

Tom:No, we don’t. It’s probably something Jesus put there!

Aliceoh, yes! Or his dad…because it would have been his dad…dads do digging.

Frankf course they do. Dads do digging and mummys drink tea and read filthy books. So, let’s just leave this here for now, okay?

FRANK PUTS THE TIN ON THE GROUND BY THE KIDS AND THEY GO QUIET AS FRANK CONTINUES TO DIG.

Frank: Goodness me! There’s another two down here! They look really old and expensive!

Alice: Yes, they’re so pretty! Oh, daddy, let’s open them now…please!

BY THIS TIME, FRANK IS TOO INTRIGUED TO CARRY ON. HE TAKES HIS GARDENING GLOVES OFF AND STARTS TO WALK TOWARDS THE HOUSE. HE SHOUTS BACK TO THE KIDS.

Frank: I’m just going to phone Uncle Colin, he knows about all this stuff. Don’t touch the tins. He’ll want to see them as they are…unopened!

FRANK WALKS INTO THE HOUSE TO THE KITCHEN AND GETS HIS MOBILE PHONE OFF THE KITCHEN SURFACE. SUSAN WATCHES HIM AS HE DIALS UNCLE COLIN’S NUMBER. SHE LOOKS OUT OF THE KITCHEN WINDOW AND TOWARDS THE KIDS WHO, TAKING NO NOTICE OF THEIR FATHER, ARE BUSY TRYING TO GET THE TINS OPEN. SHE ATTRACTS FRANK’S ATTENTION, AS HE STARTS TO TALK TO COLIN, AND POINTS TO THE KIDS. HE IMMEDIATELY PUTS THE PHONE DOWN AND RUSHES OUT SHOUTING.

Frank: (shouting to the kids) I said don’t touch them!

SUSAN HEARS COLIN ON THE PHONE AND PICKS IT UP.

Susan: Hi Colin . . . Yes . . . No . . . Nothing . . . Just Frank being Frank again . . . This time? . . .

SUSAN LOOKS OUT INTO THE GARDEN AGAIN WHERE FRANK IS TRYING TO CONSOLE THE KIDS WHO ARE EACH HOLDING A BIT OF PAPER FROM THE TINS AND SCREAMING WITH HORROR.

Susan: (to Colin) . . . Oh, he just thought it might be a good idea to dig up three dead guinea pigs and show their remains to the kids . . . usual thing, you know.

SUSAN, WITH THE PHONE STILL TO HER EAR, LOOKS INTO THE GARDEN WITH A SMUG LOOK ON HER FACE, STRAIGHT AT FRANK WHO IS LOOKING TO HER FOR GUIDANCE ABOVE THE CRYING. HE IS ALSO HOLDING A PIECE OF PAPER FOR HER TO SEE (AND US) AND WE ZOOM IN TO SEE IT READS ‘RIP FLUFFY’ IN BIG LETTERS.

Susan: (to Colin while still looking at Frank) . . . Yes, it seems to be going extremely well! . . . (smugly) I almost tempted to join in, but I’d hate to spoil their fun (grins triumphantly at Frank).

EXT. HOME. DAY.

A CAMERA CREW AND PRESENTER ARE AT A DOORSTEP.

PRESENTER:
This week on sixty minute garden makeover we are at Nerys Slug's home in Hebden Bridge.

SFX KNOCK ON DOOR.

WOMAN:
Hello love, you're the gardeners' then? My Ted is away for his afternoon beer so you'd better get cracking.

SPEEDED UP MONTAGE OF A GARDEN LANDSCAPING SQUAD GETTING BUSY AT WORK IN A FRONT GARDEN.

CUT TO: MAN AMBLING UP STREET AND OPENING FRONT GATE OF HOME REVEALING HIS FRONT GARDEN HAS BEEN TURNED INTO A MAZE.

MAN: What the heck?... How do I get in... Oi Nerys, I'm lost... I'm friggin' bursting for a pee and all.

MRS. STAPLEFORD::
Hello Jim, could you give the lawn a bit of a trim. My sister is coming tomorrow and I'd like it looking it's best.

GARDENER:
Cut it? You see I would Mrs. Stapleford but my tooth got bitten, no my ear fell into a....my hairs been poisoned.

MRS. STAPLEFORD:
Jim? This is what I pay you for! Now cut the grass!

GARDENER:
'Tis a fair request but you see I have a beard and am...as a be-bearded man I am more prone to the effects of the lawn swan. It can be extremely dangerous.

STAPLEFORD:
Oh for Goodness sake! What utter rubbish! The lawnmower is just outside! Will you please do the job I pay you for!

GARDENER:
You see I would love to but the blades don't am work on grass.

STAPLEFORD:
What on earth has got into to you Dinkins? Look I don't like making threats but cut the grass or I'll slice your beard in two.

GARDENER:
But ma'am?

STAPLEFORD:
No buts and no excuses just cut it!

SHE SLAMS THE DOOR ON HIM.

JIM STANDS WITH THE MOWER. HE HAS A LOOK OF DISMAY AS HE STANDS IN FRONT OF A VERITABLE JUNGLE. HE DISAPPEARS INTO THE UNDERGROWTH AND EMERGES TWO SECONDS LATER RUNNING OUT SCREAMING WITH A SWAN LATCHED ONTO HIS BEARD.

END.

A YOUNG MAN IS FLIPPING BURGERS AS HIS GRANDPARENTS CHAT TO HIM.

Grandmother:
You've got a lovely place here Jason dear, and the Garden looks smashing. You've done a grand job.

Jason:
It's just nice to have a little place where me & Shirl can potter around y'know, plant a few things.

Granddad:
What's that plant there son ?

Jason:
Erm that one ? That's a Tomato plant.

Granddad:
Doesn't look like a Tomato plant.

Jason:
It is. It's just one of those funny varieties.

Grandmother:
Are you sure? It looks like a Marijuana plant.

Jason:
No, No it's definitely a Tomato plant, or maybe a pepper.

Grandmother:
No, I'm sure it's a Dope plant, Silver Haze if I'm not much mistaken.

Jason:
Excuse me?

Grandad:
That's not Silver Haze Ada, The leaves are too thin. That looks like Durban Poison.

Grandmother:
Well I haven't got my glasses on have I.

Grandad:
Silver Haze, silly moo

Jason:
Honestly it's a Tomato plant or a courgette or something.

Grandad:
Come on Sunshine, you don't get buds like these on a Tomato plant.

Jason:
I'm sorry but since when did you two become experts on Marijuana plants?

Granddad:
Well, do you remember when I was chairman of the horticultural society?

Jason:
Yes

Granddad:
Well that was around the same time that your Gran started dealing drugs

Jason:
Dealing drugs?

Grandma:
Only puff, nothing illegal.

Jason:
I can't believe I'm hearing this.

Grandma:
It was just for a bit of Bingo money, and it paid for my personal.

Jason:
You must be winding me up, are you seriously telling me that you both smoke Dope.

Grandma:
No silly. Just me, It doesn't agree with your Granddad

Grandad:
I prefer a couple of pills or a bit of sniff to be honest, I only have the odd puff if I'm on a major comedown or there's some good telly on.

Jason:
Come to think of it your House always did smell a bit funny.

Grandad:
Oh no we never smoke inside, that was probably wee.

Jason:.
Well I suppose I should skin one up then.

Grandma:
Ooh no, I don't like joints, I only like smoking through a bong.

Granddad:
She's very old fashioned when it comes to that sort of thing.

Jason:
(Laughs) Honestly Gran you're such an old fogey.

'Daddy's dig while mummy's drink tea and read filthy books' Should be a sketch in its own right as it has real potential.

But on the winning front and for overall approach and easy visualisation I'll opt for Steve Sunshine.

Gosh. Too many to mention on this occasion - and genuinely close. The one that tickled me most was Tursiops'. So that's where my vote goes.

Not sure it's a well-written as some of the others, but I think the idea at the core of Clifford Allen's sketch is worth a vote from me.

Ishy

Tursiops

Good week, going for Gappy's bees in wigs

Tursiops

Hmm very tricky. Lots of good ones to choose from. Teddy's sketch make me laugh as did Otterfox with his swan/beard finale. However I must go for Lazzard and his smutty double-entendre ridden sketch.

Ishy again.

Quote: Stylee TingTing @ August 26 2012, 11:45 PM BST

Steve Sunshine: disqualified - submission after closing date;

View original

Fair enough It was too late, and I knew it. ( I would have got away with it if it hadn't been for you pesky kids. )
Void my points if I get any.

And yes Stylee you can vote of you don't enter.

Now I come to think of it, I may have entered a Star Wars sketch twice at different times (accidentally)
Please void the points from the first time I entered it when no one voted.
If entering the same sketch twice is against the rules.