Hi all. I'd be interested to know what people make of this...

INT. STRIP CLUB – DAY

A BOUNCER KEEPS AN EYE ON THE REVELRY AS AN ENTHUSIASTIC STAG PARTY BRAY OVER A TECHNO DIRGE.

ONE OF THE PARTY ISN'T JOINING IN THE FUN. HE SITS, DOE-EYED, TRANSFIXED ON THE STRIPPER.

NOTICING HIM, THE STRIPPER STEPS DOWN FROM THE STAGE AND MOVES IN FOR A LAPDANCE. NERVOUSLY, THE MAN GOES TO PUT A HAND ON HER SHOULDER BUT…

BAM! THE BOUNCER KNOCKS THE MAN FLYING FROM HIS STOOL.

BOUNCER:
No touching!

INT. STRIP CLUB - LATER

THE CLUB IS EMPTY NOW. ALL BUT ONE OF THE STAG PARTY HAVE LEFT. ONLY THE MAN REMAINS – A WAD OF BLOODIED TISSUE IN EACH NOSTRIL.

THE STRIPPER COMFORTS HIM, OFFERING A FRESH TISSUE. HE GOES TO TAKE IT BUT…

…THE BOUNCER SHAKES HIS HEAD AMONISHINGLY.

THE MAN SHRINKS. THE STRIPPER SMILES SWEETLY. HE BLUSHES.

CUT TO:

MONTAGE:

INT. MUSEUM – DAY

THE MAN AND THE STRIPPER ENJOY A DAY OUT. THEY LAUGH, CHAT AND POINT OUT RELICS TO ONE ANOTHER.

EXT. PICNIC - DAY

A BEAUTIFUL SUMMER'S DAY. THE PAIR FEED EACH OTHER STRAWBERRIES. THEY'RE HAVING A WONDERUL TIME.

INT. RESTAURANT – DAY

ENJOYING A ROMANTIC CANDLELIT DINNER, THE COUPLE CLINK GLASSES.

END MONTAGE.

EXT. PORCH - NIGHT

THE MAN SEES THE STRIPPER HOME AFTER A NIGHT OUT. THEY GRIN AFFECTIONATELY AT EACH OTHER. THE MAN MOVES IN FOR A KISS BUT…

BAM! THE BOUNCER FLOORS HIM WITH A FLYING TACKLE.

BOUNCER:
No touching!

END.

Quite liked that though I could see it coming...

...unlike the man!

I moved in for the critical kill, to find that it was good, You should try it on video, The scenes could be spliced into a nice visual.

Yes, liked that David. Saw it coming, but not in a ruiner type of way!

This is an elaborate ploy to film a stripper isn't it. Admit it.

I thought the sketch was OK but I could see Man Stroke Woman using it so maybe it needs something extra.

I agree with AJP. I enjoyed the sketch. It needs something spicy. Then it will be as good as always David.

Quote: ajp29 @ January 24, 2008, 4:06 PM

This is an elaborate ploy to film a stripper isn't it. Admit it.

View original

I wouldn't say it was that elaborate.

Cheers for the feedback, all.

On second reading the sketch is flat and predictable. There's really only one way the joke can go and it doesn't pull any surprises. Thanks for putting me straight, guys.

I liked it - didn't see it coming though.

i agree that the resolution is forseable but i think there's some legs in the premise. Just needs to be twisted and squeezed for some comedic suprise juice.

Having thought about it, this might just work if it was exaggerated to the nth degree. Like if the last scene were set in a church and he was about to put the ring on her finger before the bouncer decked him.

Now that's taken it up to the right place it was destined to get to. That would be a great end.

Trouble is getting it filmed. I need a strip club AND a church now?

Yeah, your new suggested ending would make it less predictable than it currently is. How about extending it all the way to wedding night, via the church? Then in bed just about to... and bang!

Dan

I like that idea David, would be a much better version I think.

How about you take a stripper and some disco lights into a church and do everything in one location?
Seriously though, I think you could pull this off with a few imaginative props - you can do anything mate, you're the man!!

I like it, although my mind was working in an odd way.

When you introduced the Museum I had the image of him going to touch a dinosaur and the Bouncer hitting him again.

then maybe later he's having diner with his wife and the bouncer appears as he's about to hold her hand, mouthing "no touching"