TWITTER PROSECUTIONS

INT. PRISON

SFX: DOOR OPENS

GEOFF:
Ah, you must be the new recruit? Come on, I'll show you around.

SFX: FOOTSTEPS

GEOFF:
Ever worked in a prison before?

MARGARET:
No, this is my first time.

GEOFF:
Nervous?

MARGARET:
A little.

GEOFF:
You should be.

SFX: FOOTSTEPS

GEOFF:
Now, through here's where you're gonna be stationed.

SFX: DOOR OPENS

MARGARET:
Why's it called the Tweeters block?

GEOFF:
Because it's where we stick twats who've misbehaved on Twitter.

MARGARET:
And how many... 'twats' are there?

GEOFF:
140! Every one of 'em - a character! See that cell over there? That's home to a bloke who wrote 'See You Next Tuesday' to Louise Mensch.

MARGARET:
Was he a stalker?

GEOFF:
Nah - just an astute observer. Now, this cell here - that belongs to Erickson.

MARGARET:
What did he do?

GEOFF:
He had a whinge after missing an episode of 'Neighbours'.

MARGARET:
I didn't realise that was illegal.

GEOFF:
It ain't! Not unless you do it slap bang in the middle of jury service!

MARGARET:
Is there anyone else I should know about?

GEOFF:
Well, I suppose Porterfield deserves a mention. He got busted after worrying about 'bombing' an interview!

MARGARET:
What job was he applying for?

GEOFF:
Flight attendant.

SFX: FOOTSTEPS

SFX: DOOR OPENS

GEOFF:
Right, that concludes the tour. Any questions?

MARGARET:
Well... yes. What are these people doing here?

GEOFF:
Look, if you'd rather work with blokes who deserve to be banged up - I could always arrange for you to be moved to the sex offenders unit?

AFTER A BEAT:

MARGARET:
'Bombing' an interview? I mean, he was practically asking for it, wasn't he?

Nice. Especially 'Every one of 'em- a character'

I like that line too. The premise of a tweeters block or tweeters wing works well. It's a great 'device' for delivering a series of "one-liners". I wonder if the "examples" could be sharpened up (I haven't thought through how - but it might be some more topical events olympics, queen jubilee, Euro crash etc would be better?). The interviewing bomb could be sharper as;
He tweeted he was certain to bomb at his interview next week
What job had he applied for?
Airport security.

I like the final twist that confronted with the option of working in the sex offenders unit, the tweeters are real scum. But it could be landed better - even using the word "scum" to exagerate the point?

Thanks groovydude, I'm sure others will add their thoughts. And thanks for starting KI: off on critique - https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/24522/ refers

Alison

Thanks for your feedback. I'll take on board your suggestions and have a go at redrafting it.

Quote: AJGO @ May 18 2012, 6:42 PM BST

Nice. Especially 'Every one of 'em- a character'

View original

Seconded - Cracking line!

Just an idea, but maybe someone being on suicide watch as they didn't get a re-tweet?

Hi groovydude

Couple of things stick out here:
We need a couple of laughs early on as we take a long time to get to the first gag here. Can you try and get a gag into the first line, even if it's a throwaway unrelated one.

Secondly, Miller11 is right: let's have some more Twitter-related gags thrown around in there. Retweets, hashtags, trending, follow/unfollow, share media, lists, integration with other social media: all ripe for a gag or two, I would say.

How about some interaction with the prisoner 'scum' as she's taken on the tour? Adds a bit of action/reaction and you could easily weave some of the above in. 'Leading a trending mob' for example. 'Hashtag dealing', etc etc. (These are not compulsory, just some ideas!)

Let's have a redraft to try some of that stuff, and thanks for posting the first sketch! Appreciate it.

Dan

Not bad but needs more laughs. Make more of twitterspeak and throw in Facebook too (e.g. people who got sent down for "planning" riots last year).

I see what some of the lads are saying in relation to getting more twitter lingo in there. It would certainly add to it but its a fantastic idea and works quite well in its own right.

Okay, here's my second draft:

TWITTER PROSECUTIONS

INT. PRISON

SFX: DOOR OPENS

GEOFF:
Ah, you must be the new recruit! Come on, I'll walk you to the Tweeters Block.

MARGARET:
Tweeters Block?

GEOFF:
It's where we stick twats who've misbehaved on Twitter. It's also where we've decided to stick you!

MARGARET:
(OFFENDED) Lovely.

SFX: ONE PAIR OF FOOTSTEPS

AFTER A BEAT:

GEOFF:
Look love, I ain't got all day! Are you gonna follow me or what?

MARGARET:
Coming!

SFX: TWO PAIRS OF FOOTSTEPS

MARGARET:
So, how many prisoners are there exactly?

GEOFF:
140! Everyone of 'em - a character! Take Donnelly - for example! He got sent down after racially abusing a footballer!

MARGARET:
Which one?

GEOFF:
Joey Barton.

MARGARET:
But he's... white, isn't he?

GEOFF:
I know! That's what makes his 'what a cracker' remark so offensive! I mean, yeah - he 'claims' it was in response to a goal that Barton had just scored - but then again - he WOULD say that, wouldn't he?

MARGARET:
Hmm.

GEOFF:
Another one of our lads ended up in here after a bit of a debacle with Louise Mensch.

MARGARET:
Who's she?

GEOFF:
Tory politician. You know - the one with cold, dead eyes... author of trashy novels!

MARGARET:
Oh yeah!

GEOFF:
Right, well he tweeted her - 'See You Next Tuesday'!

MARGARET:
What - was he a stalker?

GEOFF:
A stalker? Nah - he's just an astute observer! Now, I bet you can't guess... hey, where've you gone?

MARGARET:
(IN DISTANCE) I'm just tying my shoelace!

GEOFF:
Oh, that's alright! For a moment there - I thought you'd unfollowed me!

SFX: FOOTSTEPS

MARGARET:
You were saying?

GEOFF:
Where was I... oh yeah - I bet you can't guess what his cellmate's offence was?

MARGARET:
Dunno.

GEOFF:
Retweeting HIS tweet! Got sent down as an accessory!

MARGARET:
That's a bit harsh!

GEOFF:
Yeah, well he did get a lighter sentence. 15 years!

MARGARET:
Is there anyone else I should know about?

GEOFF:
Well, I suppose Porterfield deserves a mention. He got busted for predicting he was gonna bomb his interview.

MARGARET:
What job was he applying for?

GEOFF:
Security guard at Heathrow.

SFX: FOOTSTEPS

AFTER A BEAT:

MARGARET:
Look, I hope you don't mind me asking this, but... what are these people doing here?

GEOFF:
Look love, if you'd rather work with blokes who deserve to be banged up - then perhaps you'd like to fill the vacancy in the sex offenders unit?

AFTER A BEAT:

MARGARET:
'Bombing' a job interview? I mean, the louse WAS asking for it, wasn't he?

Thanks for responding to the ideas and reworking Groovydude. Consider this formally submitted

Like this second draft, nice sketch.

One bit didn't work for me was the 'unfollow bit' feels like we did that joke at the start (and it's a good line). Is there another twitter type thing you could put in there - retweet, reply, favourite etc.? Not sure how that would work though!

Quote: StephenM @ May 31 2012, 6:16 PM BST

One bit didn't work for me was the 'unfollow bit' feels like we did that joke at the start (and it's a good line). Is there another twitter type thing you could put in there - retweet, reply, favourite etc.? Not sure how that would work though!

View original

On reflection, I think you're right.

Here's the sketch with those lines removed (and a few others tweaked):

TWITTER PROSECUTIONS

INT. PRISON

SFX: DOOR OPENS

GEOFF:
Ah, you must be the new recruit! Come on, I'll walk you to the Tweeters Block.

MARGARET:
Tweeters Block?

GEOFF:
It's where we stick twats who've misbehaved on Twitter. It's also where we've decided to stick you!

MARGARET:
(OFFENDED) Lovely.

SFX: ONE PAIR OF FOOTSTEPS

AFTER A BEAT:

GEOFF:
Look love, I ain't got all day! Are you gonna follow me or what?

MARGARET:
Coming!

SFX: TWO PAIRS OF FOOTSTEPS

MARGARET:
So, how many prisoners are there exactly?

GEOFF:
140! Everyone of 'em - a character! Take Donnelly! He got sent down for racially abusing a footballer!

MARGARET:
Which one?

GEOFF:
Joey Barton.

MARGARET:
But he's... white, isn't he?

GEOFF:
I know! Hence why his 'what a cracker' remark was so badly received! I mean, he 'claims' it was in response to a goal Joey had just scored... but I mean, he WOULD say that, wouldn't he?

MARGARET:
Hmm.

GEOFF:
Another one of our lads had a bit of a debacle with Louise Mensch.

MARGARET:
Who's she?

GEOFF:
Tory MP. You know... the one with the cold, dead eyes... author of trashy novels!

MARGARET:
Oh yeah!

GEOFF:
Right, well he tweeted her - 'See You Next Tuesday'!

MARGARET:
You mean he was a stalker?

GEOFF:
Nah - just an astute observer! Hey, you'll never guess what his cellmate's in for!

MARGARET:
What?

GEOFF:
Retweeting HIS tweet! Got sent down as an accessory!

MARGARET:
That's a bit harsh!

GEOFF:
Yeah, well he did get a lighter sentence. Seven years!

MARGARET:
Is there anyone else I should know about?

GEOFF:
I suppose Evans deserves a mention. He predicted he was gonna bomb his interview - but soon discovered that was the least of his worries.

MARGARET:
What job was he applying for?

GEOFF:
Head of security. Heathrow.

SFX: FOOTSTEPS

AFTER A BEAT:

MARGARET:
Look, I hope you don't mind me asking, but... what are these people DOING here?

GEOFF:
Listen love, if you'd rather work with blokes who deserve to be banged up - I could always move you to the sex offenders unit?

AFTER A BEAT:

MARGARET:
'Bombing' a job interview? I mean, the louse WAS asking for it, wasn't he?

Like this. Good use of Twitter lingo but not so much that non twitter users miss out on the joke.