Bless my cotton socks that was indeed a hard one.

The current winners look suspiciously like PAUL and FRANKIE! You win 10 points each and the chance to PM me for next week's subject.

Votes - Points - Name
5 - 10 - Paul W
5 - 10 - Frankie Rage
2 - 5 - Dannyjb1
2 - 5 - Charley
2 - 5 - Fred Peters

The new subject is, um, ZOOS, chosen at random by my good self thanks to lack of winners' response.

Rules:
One entry per person.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines.
Please try and only post your entry and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 26 Jan 2008.

Enjoy!

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

67 - Frankie
60 - Baumski
55 - Charley Rance
50 - Jude
28 - Fred Peters
22 - Michael Monkhouse
20 - Niteowl
20 - Lazzard
11 - Paul Watson
17 - Ellie
15 - Leevil
15 - Cinnamon
15 - Dale
11 - David Chapman
11 - Steven
10 - Dannyjb1
10 - Swerytd
09 - ajp29
09 - ShoePie
08 - Stylo
05 - Nigel Kelly
05 - Greggles
05 - Happy Shopper
05 - Timothy Marshal-Nichols
05 - Rob B
05 - John Kelly
04 - Andy W
04 - losaavedra
02 - Imamazed
02 - Slack Bladder
02 - Paul Nash
02 - Boits
02 - Gavin
01 - Skibbington von Skubber
01 - Ginger Jesus
01 - Nick Rivers
01 - Daddy Maz
01 - Martin Bickle
01 - Hellboy
01 - Winterlight
01 - Batman
01 - Ray Dawson
01 - Marion
01 - Tooting Jo

Spot any mistakes? There may be, I wasn't quite sure which were votes and which were just Nice Things To Say, so feel free to PM me. Thanks

And no votes until Michael closes the competition - and no comments on the entries. That includes you too Rance.

Zooo's what by the way?

he's such an authoritarian..
--------------------------------------------------------

NOT A RADIO SKETCH.

EXT. ZOO. ALIGATOR ENCLOSURE. A MAN IS SAT INSIDE THE ENCLOSURE WITH HIS LEFT LEG DANGLING IN THE WATER.

THERE IS A BIG SPLASH UNDER HIS LEG. THE MAN GRIMACES THEN PULLS OUT A BLOODY STUMP. HIS FOOT AND PART OF HIS LOWER LEG HAVE BEEN SEVERED.

HE THEN CAREFULLY PUTS HIS RIGHT LEG IN THE WATER AND SETTLES BACK DOWN.

SAME THING HAPPENS AGAIN. HE NOW HAS TWO BLOODY STUMPS. HE TURNS TO THE CAMERA WITH A SMILE OF SATISFACTION AND POINTS TO A SIGN THAT SAYS "DON'T FEED THE ANIMALS HUMAN FOOD". HE WINKS TO CAMERA AND TAPS HIS NOSE KNOWINGLY.

INT. CARTOON LION CAGE. DAY

A CARTOON LION (STEPHEN) SITS IN HIS CAGE, THE DOOR SWINGS OPEN AND A RAM (MALCOM) WALKS IN, THEY GREET EACH OTHER.

STEPHEN
Not sure the Zoo really has the hang of this 'open day' concept.

WITH THIS A LOAD OF SCREAMING TOURISTS RUN PAST PURSUED BY TIGERS AND A SHARK.

MALCOM
You may have a point.

STEPHEN
Fancy a tourist? Some nice juicy ones over there.

MALCOM
I'm a herbivore.

STEPHEN
You and you religious beliefs. Do you mind?

MALCOM
Knock yourself out.

STEPHEN RUNS OFF

MALCOM BORED STARTS EATING STRAW FROM STEPHENS BED. HE SPITS IT OUT.

MALCOM
Not in your own bed stephen.

END

ANIMATION. ‘DOING BIRD’. THE ZOO IS A JAIL FOR ANIMALS. A TIGER IS THE NEWEST ARRIVAL.

GIRAFFE: Oi tiger! What are you in for?

TIGER: Kidnapping. Moved me from an open prison, overcrowding. There wasn’t enough room to swing a cat.

ELEPHANT: Open prison, my arse. It was a bloody safari park.

TIGER: Who rattled your cage? Eh? What’s the guards like in here anyway giraffe?

GIRAFFE: Humans, pure humans.

TIGER: I clashed with the zebras in my last place.

GIRAFFE: Get to meal times before the male zebra, he eats like a horse.

FEMALE ZEBRA: (interrupting) And he’s hung like a donkey, he he.

GIRAFFE: Don’t annoy the gorillas whatever you do, they go ape. And watch out for the lion, he’s very territorial. (CUT TO LION DOING A DUMP)

LION: Just what this place didn’t need, another bleeding tiger.

TIGER: What’s with the Frostie reception lion. We’re family.

LION: You tigers are more ‘grate’ than ‘grrreat’.

TIGER AND LION SQUARE UP TO EACH OTHER. A FIGHT STARTS. ALL THE ANIMALS CROWD ROUND. TIGER KNOCKS LION OUT COLD.

TIGER: He didn’t know I was a southpaw.

ANIMALS (singing): In the jungle, the mighty jungle. The lion sleeps tonight.

ENDS.

A bit of Zoo stand up.

"The Zoo is a funny old place… If you look carefully…it’s a political explosion waiting to happen…

Lets say the Lions are the UK – looking to eat everyone else for dinner and wanting to be King of all.

The French are the skunks…pretty much stinking the place out and pissing everyone else off…. No one likes them.

The Sloth’s are the Aussies…hanging up side down and just moving along happily and slowly behind everyone else.

The Beavers are the Japanese constantly building and bettering themselves… making themselves better than everyone else.

Switzerland is like the duck billed platypus, lots of bits of other animals and no-one's quiet sure what it's for...

The Germans are the Elephants…wanting to forget…but can’t.

And the Americans…well they’re the pigs… greedy till the end, oh and wallow happily in their own shit.

No wander they’re all kept in separate cages… "

None of this is meant to offend anyone... tis but a joke!

Whats the difference between a Zoo and Zoo Magazine?

One's for hairy, grunting, unintelligible animals. The other has a penguin enclosure.

Hi all- just want to say that this is going to be awful and i've put no thought or effort into it. Judge the work though, not my apathy.

TWO ZOO KEEPERS, ACHMED AND DICKIE, ARE ON THEIR LUNCH BREAK SAT ON A BENCH ENJOYING SOME SANDWICHES.

ACHMED:
Another day . . . at the zoo. Its crap isn't it? The zoo. Who the hell invented zoos? Idiot.

DICKIE:
Bloody hell Achmed can't we have one day without your constant winging. All you do is slag of the zoo, i dont know why you work here

ACHMED:
It pays the bills

DICKIE:
It pays the bills? Thats not a reason to work here, considering how much it irratates you. There are hundreds of jobs you could do and yet you chose this.

ACHMED:
Well . . . I've got my reasons alright, for working at the zoo

DICKIE:
Oh yeah?

ACHMED:
Yeah

DICKIE:
And they are?

ACHMED:
Look, you're going to judge me if i tell you so . . .

DICKIE:
Judge you? Achmed, i couldnt care less what your reasons are. In fact, anything positive you have to say about the zoo would be a delight to hear compared to your non-stop moaning and bitching about every aspect of this amazing animal paradise

ACHMED:
I like to finger the goats

A LOOK OF HORROR CROSSES DICKIES FACE AS HE STANDS UP IN DISGUST, SPITTING OUT THE CRUST OF HIS SANDWICH

DICKIE:
You filthy little man. Fingering the goats? Thats sick. I enjoy a bit of mutual wanking with the chimps but goats!? Get out of my zoo

DICKIE WALKS OFF SHAKING HIS HEAD

ACHMED:
Its not your zoo.

ACHMEDSIGHS)
Another friend is lost. Still got the goats though.

ACHMED WIGGLES HIS FINGER AND SMILES

SCENE. INT. ZOO. DAY

A guide is walking a group of visitors around a zoo.

GUIDE:
Ok, this is the polar bear enclosure, as you can see Benny over there is enjoying a tasty fish!

A Woman puts her hand up.

WOMAN:
Doesn’t the Polar bear enjoy its natural habitat, like snow? And cool weather?

The GUIDE looks behind him; there is nothing but a small pool and a cement grounded area.

GUIDE:
Don’t be stupid, animals, like us humans learn to adapt to their surrounds and eventually enjoy the life they have here.

WOMAN:
That’s stupid, we’re a bit different from the rest of the animal kingdom.

The GUIDE ignores the WOMAN and continues to walk over to the Lion enclosure.

A Lion and Zebra are having sex in the background.

GUIDE:
So… anymore questions?

END.

ZOO. EXT. DAY

WE SEE A ZOO AND TWO ADJOINING ENCLOSURES. ONE HAS ALLIGATORS AND THE OTHER WITH A LONE GIRAFFE.

ALLIGATOR 1: Morning.

GIRAFFE: (TO HIMSELF) Oh bloody hell, not again.

GIRAFFE: No, its not raining.

ALLIGATOR 1: What? I didn't say anything!

GIRAFFE: Ah, but you were going to. Every bleedin' morning you say: 'Is it raining up there?', 'Is it raining up there?'

ALLIGATOR 1: I wasn't going to say that!

GIRAFFE: Pah! Likely story. I don't know why you're so bothered. I mean, you're wet anyway lying in that puddle so what does it matter if it starts pissing it down. OK, so I'm tall - change the soddin' record.

A SECOND ALLIGATOR APPROACHES.

ALLIGATOR 2: Morning.

GIRAFFE: Christ, another one.

ALLIGATOR 2: Can I ask...

GIRAFFE: 'Is it raining up there?', 'Is it raining up there?'

ALLIGATOR 2: How would I know?

GIRAFFE: What?

ALLIGATOR 2: How would I know if it's raining up there? You're taller than me.

GIRAFFE: Am I really? I'd never noticed.

ALLIGATOR 2: C'mon, don't be like that.

THERE'S A PAUSE.

ALLIGATOR 1: Please don't be angry with us.

THERE'S ANOTHER PAUSE.

ALLIGATOR 1: Look, I know we've not exactly seen eye to eye.

GIRAFFE: (EXASPERATED) Heaven preserve us! How could we possibly see eye to eye? You think I've got my head in the clouds and I think you're swamp life. Never the twain shall meet.

ALLIGATOR 2: We only want to be friends.

ALLIGATOR 1: Yeah.

ALLIGATOR 2: Asking about the weather is just a way of breaking the ice.

GIRAFFE: Look, if you want to break the ice I suggest you go and see the penguins. I'm sure they'll be delighted to discuss the state of the climate with you.

ALLIGATOR 1: But we want to be friends with you.

GIRAFFE: Well, you can't. Like I said, 'never the twain shall meet.'

ALLIGATOR 2: Never?

GIRAFFE: Never.

THERE'S ANOTHER LONG PAUSE.

ALLIGATOR 2: Erm....is it twaining up there yet?

END

============
HURT PRIDE
============

EXT: DAY. ZOO.

TWO LIONS ARE SAT LOOKING OUT THROUGH THE BARS OF THEIR ENCLOSURE AT A BUNCH OF ROWDY SCHOOL KIDS

TIGGER
I wouldn't want to meet any of them in the wild. Look at them. Shouting and bawling. They're like animals.

STRIPE
Tell me about it. I was planning to go on safari in Africa, but I heard they're roaming around freely there.

TIGGER
No safety fence? No pit?

STRIPE
Nothing.

TIGGER
Isn't that... dangerous?

STRIPE
They can just walk up to you and you have to pull this crazy sort of tantrum to keep them away.

TIGGER
Does it work?

STRIPE
Seems to. Shouting like a loon and running at them seems to scare them off. You have to act like a *proper* nutter though. Get so close to them it's scary!

TIGGER
Bonkers.

ONE OF THE KIDS THROWS A HOT DOG AT THE LIONS. IT LANDS THREE FEET AWAY AND BOUNCES TO WITHIN HALF A FOOT OF THE LIONS. NEITHER FLINCHES. THE SCHOOL KIDS CHEER AND LAUGH UPROARIOUSLY. STRIPE SNIFFS THE HOT DOG AND NIBBLES A LITTLE OFF THE END. HE RECOILS AT THE FLAVOUR.

STRIPE
Urgh -- cooked meat!

TIGGER
Savages...

ENDS

1. EXT. LIONPEN - DAY

A baby Antelope is gently trotting along the grass when a big, nasty Lion; Teeth and claws out, runs up and pounces at it.

ANTELOPE: Whoa, whoa, whoa!

LION: Tom Jones stopping a horse?

ANTELOPE: No, no, no what are you doing with the teeth and the claws and the growling and stuff. Frightened me half to death.

LION: Well I'm hungry and to be frank you look rather tasty.

ANTELOPE: Charmer! I'm sorry but I'm going to have to disappoint you.

LION: Why?

ANTELOPE: It's the Zoo keeper. He's told me not to feed the lions.
END.

ANIMATION

Gorilla
If I get given one more f**king banana, I am going to ram it right up their…..

Ass
I know mate. I am sick of carrots. I am going to drop kick that Zoo keeper in the…..

Cock
I get f**king grain, grain, grain. I am f**ked off with f**king grain.I tell yer. The next bit of grain I see I am going to ram that woman who helps out in the…..

Beaver
That trainee forgets to feed me sometimes. I am going to bite her on the

Camel
Toe?

LIONESS
I'm sick of being caged up in here.
LION
Stop bloody moaning. Think yourself lucky yer not crammed in an ark.

INT. BABOON CAGE - DAY

TWO BABOONS GARY AND CLIVE, STARE THROUGH THE BARS OF THEIR CAGE.

IN A CAGE OPPOSITE, A LLAMA WITH THE HEAD OF A RHINO AND A RHINO WITH THE HEAD OF A LLAMA POSE FOR THE PRESS.

GARY
The pissed surgeon’s struck again!

CLIVE
Meet the Jordan and Peter of Zoo World!

GARY
Well I wouldn’t mind being plastered all over Heat magazine flashing me bits.

CLIVE
Gary you’re a baboon.

GARY
So, some of them are dogs!

GARY WADDLES OFF LIKE A TODDLER WEARING HALF A PACK OF DISPOSABLE NAPPIES.

GARY
Oooh, oooh, oooh, my arse is on fire!

GARY ITCHES HIS ARSE.

CLIVE
Those piles no better mate?

GARY BENDS OVER, STICKS HIS HEAD BETWEEN HIS LEGS AND SHUDDERS.

DOZENS OF PILES SPROUT MEDUSA-LIKE FROM THE RED SWOLLEN BATTLEGROUND OF GARY’S ARSE.

GARY
They’re hanging. I’m having an op tomorrow.

CLIVE TUTS AND SHAKES HIS HEAD.

CLIVE
But you could wake up with anything!

GARY REACHES ROUND, FIDDLES WITH HIS PILES, PULLS ONE OFF, STRAIGHTENS UP AND BEGINS TO PICK IT.

GARY
I don’t mind a bit of pick and mix. I just pity the poor sod that wakes up with a baboon’s arse!