Quote: Marc P @ June 28 2011, 11:54 PM BSTIt's under ten minutes Ben, come on!
I know! I know! It's poor form and I'll be asking myself some tough questions.
Change The Record - Episode One Page 5
Well anyway good night folks.
Quote: The Numpty @ June 29 2011, 12:00 AM BSTWell anyway good night folks.
?
You seem very tetchy tonight, Marc. Had a row with the missus?
Quote: don rushmore @ June 29 2011, 12:06 AM BSTYou seem very tetchy tonight, Marc. Had a row with the missus?
Quite the opposite. Why have you got your stirring spoon out? James is having a go, he takes criticism and good on him when he does.
Have to agree with MarcP
For the first time Cotter seems to be taking it on the chin and actually listening.
Not the time to be having a go.
Quote: don rushmore @ June 28 2011, 11:54 PM BSTOh God, I seem to have lit the blue touch paper here. Certainly wasn't my intention.
ENORMOUS LOLZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Please, no LOLZ in critique.
Good job it's showcase then, really. Megalulz.
Good point. There'll be no critique here from me until this thread is moved!
Quote: Nat Wicks @ June 29 2011, 1:47 AM BSTGood job it's showcase then, really. Megalulz.
It's actually first I know but I always knew this was a pilot episode and that it could be improved and that's why I was looking for advice. A lot of the things that have been said have been thoughts lingering in the back of mind but seeing as they have now been voiced I will act upon them. I intended on put episode one of the series, seeing as this is the pilot out in about a month. That episode has everything in it that a opening episode should have. And this episode will be re-written and re-drafted and put out as episode two. I intended to have all the episodes at 15 rather then the 10 minute pilot. Thanks for you help so far it's helped me a hell of a lot. It's a very new project so the pilot was a real shot in the dark which I think could be a good project for me when the elements talked about are added. Keep your feedback coming while I'm still writing.
One thing you might want to address is the engine James. You say Bill owns the shop and the other guy runs it for him. But he doesn't he just pops off and pops back in again to see if Bill has sold anything? You need to base it in a bit more reality. Get the central idea right first and then start writing around it.
I thought Lucy Perkins was very good but like I say could do with better material, gags.
Quote: Marc P @ June 29 2011, 11:15 AM BSTOne thing you might want to address is the engine James. You say Bill owns the shop and the other guy runs it for him. But he doesn't he just pops off and pops back in again to see if Bill has sold anything? You need to base it in a bit more reality. Get the central idea right first and then start writing around it.
This is way the episode wasn't right for episode one and has been moved to episode two. Tony very much runs the shop and how Bill owns the shop is very much explained in the opening episode Marc. This episode was the first one written so became episode one although the first one I wrote episode two suited being an opening more. I think having a pilot before the series has helped a great deal iron out any problems.
Quote: Marc P @ June 29 2011, 11:19 AM BSTI thought Lucy Perkins was very good but like I say could do with better material, gags.
She's very good and will be more in at least a couple of episodes.
Quote: Badge @ June 28 2011, 11:50 PM BSTTo be fair I haven't listened to it. It might be good.
That's how all shows should be reviewed.
James do me a favour don't record the next episode, don't edit it, don't write it.
Take your 2 characters and place them in a situation in which they are trapped. Locked in a pub, stuck in a lift on a train journey/
Now give us 5 pages of dialogue between them, with out any jokes.
Next give us 10 jokes told between the 2 of them.
Then post them up on critique.
I know these are the most basic writing episodes but not only do I think they'd work but I'd be interested to see what you wrote. Geninely.