Quote: sootyj @ June 29 2011, 11:44 AM BST

Take your 2 characters and place them in a situation in which they are trapped. Locked in a pub, stuck in a lift on a train journey/

Now give us 5 pages of dialogue between them, with out any jokes.
Next give us 10 jokes told between the 2 of them.

Then post them up on critique.

I know these are the most basic writing episodes but not only do I think they'd work but I'd be interested to see what you wrote. Geninely.

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There's a two hander episode already written.

No James not an episode that's the whole point. You're not telling us a story, tell us about the two of them.

I really wanted to like this because I like the premise. I see it's a 'pilot', so obviously there is tweaking to do, but even in a pilot the characters should be more interesting. I only made it about half way before I hit the off button.

I agree with the sentiments that the jingle is monotonous and adds nothing to propel the story. The bits are too chopped up like the loathsome 'hairdressers' - and lack punch.

it is too similar to yours and Coard's other show- you playing the bullying pseudo-intillectual and Coard as the dim-witted friend. I get the fact that comedy duos have their personae, but there is just not enough humour in this piece: the characters lack depth and there is no chemistry in the writing. Like I said before the premise is good, but it needs to start with a bang - lose the ego credits at the beginning- the title says it all. (when you become a star, the credits at the beginning will be a plus but not before then)

punch it up, make it quality, make it funny - make it something FRESH for god's sake!

Go forth young Cotter!

Quote: Leevil @ June 28 2011, 2:17 PM BST

I think most people would like to see you succeed and create a good piece of work.

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Quote: James Cotter @ June 29 2011, 11:10 AM BST

It's actually first I know but I always knew this was a pilot episode and that it could be improved and that's why I was looking for advice.

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In which case please post in Critque not Showcase.

Knock the credits on the head, James. Seriously, your ego knows no bounds. You haven't moved on since 'Thank You For The Music' in that respect.

James Coard is an even worse actor than me. Sorry to be blunt, but he's not built for voice acting. Cotter's performance was average, you know. Not terrible, not great. Lucy wasn't too bad, but some of her lines didn't sound as though she knew how to be delivering them.

The plot wasn't that sparkling and I'm not sure how much mileage you can get out of the boss trying to sack his staff member. Why doesn't he just sack him? And why is he never in the shop?

There weren't any laughs in it for me. Which is strange as I like what I've seen of Flaherty's sketches.

And why are you doing record based radio show when Rudy's Rare Records is everpresent? It really doesn't make sense.

The production wasn't too bad, but there were strange 'fuzzy' sounding moments. Oh and the jingle was akin to having a door slammed in my face repeatedly.

Quote: Ben @ June 29 2011, 10:08 PM BST

Knock the credits on the head, James. Seriously, your ego knows no bounds. You haven't moved on since 'Thank You For The Music' in that respect.

James Coard is an even worse actor than me. Sorry to be blunt, but he's not built for voice acting. Cotter's performance was average, you know. Not terrible, not great. Lucy wasn't too bad, but some of her lines didn't sound as though she knew how to be delivering them.

The plot wasn't that sparkling and I'm not sure how much mileage you can get out of the boss trying to sack his staff member. Why doesn't he just sack him? And why is he never in the shop?

There weren't any laughs in it for me. Which is strange as I like what I've seen of Flaherty's sketches.

And why are you doing record based radio show when Rudy's Rare Records is everpresent? It really doesn't make sense.

The production wasn't too bad, but there were strange 'fuzzy' sounding moments. Oh and the jingle was akin to having a door slammed in my face repeatedly.

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So this is Critique after all rather than Showcase? So I can say what I've been saving up?

Except Ben has said much of it.

Firstly, it isn't funny. I was going to say "enough" on the end of that, but it didn't make me smile at all. Ask yourselves, how much time was spent on the writing? And how much on the rewriting? I know you will come back and say this is a pilot that you will learn from blah-di-blah-di-blah but I don't believe that. You said it earlier in this thread but you also said you had a two-hander already written - will you re-write that in the light of feedback here? Honestly? I doubt it.

I'm also confused by you saying the pilot isn't a typical episode (scene length etc). Why not make it a typical episode? Isn't it the job of a pilot to display what the show is like, rather than what it isn't like?

Then there are the opening credits. These are so egotistical it's beyond belief. Apart from your friends who have helped you with this, NO-ONE CARES who writes or stars in this episode before hearing it. We are online with a lot of choice. Hit us early on with funny stuff or engaging characters, preferably both, not with an excuse to turn off.

Acting-wise, James Cotter is the best thing in it. Lucy Perkins has a good radio voice but isn't helped by the lines or possibly the direction - she sounds too much like an announcer even when she isn't in that role. James Coard brings up the rear. Overall there doesn't seem to be much "acting" going on, but there is a fair bit of "reading".

The musical stings have been mentioned by many people. They are beyond irritating. It's probably just the length, rather than the concept though. How about a single guitar chord? Maybe slightly out of tune?

A final comment, James. Sometimes it's hard for enthusiastic youngsters to stop themselves, but it can harm their long-term prospects. Don't be a keen nobody right now, be a good somebody later. Give yourself time and don't jump into everything all at once.

James Cotter: Man of a 1000 feedback pages.

Badge (hi)t the nail on the head.

Quote: Badge @ June 30 2011, 1:16 AM BST

So this is Critique after all rather than Showcase? So I can say what I've been saving up?

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As I've said many times before. Go ahead, post critique in Showcase. A lot of recorded material can be edited or feedback given can be taken for any future editions (as in J.C's case. Not that it will, mind).

A lot of post-production material can't be edited though. So critique isn't as encouraged as much as it is in, um, Critique!

Quote: sootyj @ June 29 2011, 11:59 AM BST

No James not an episode that's the whole point. You're not telling us a story, tell us about the two of them.

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I will/have.

No you haven't.

Might I suggest you listen to some decent radio sitcom and try and work out why it works and what it can teach you.

I mean I hate to say it but this is even worse than hairdressers. Atleast there, there was a pretence of structure and some character work.

Here there isn't even that. This is almost an archetype of the very worst kind of proto sitcom script. A joyless pair of none characters exchanging jokes pretty much in a vacumn.

It's so far from the norms and expectations of humerous performance. It could almost be mistaken for something by Andy Warhol or Pirandello.

And the problem is you keeping posting this drivel. And being grateful for the feedback but you never listen.

You're like the mascohsitic super hero in Watchmen who demands to be beaten until Rorscach finally drops him down an elevator shaft.

Quote: sootyj @ June 30 2011, 12:31 PM BST

No you haven't.

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You haven't seen the episodes yet! I was referring to the two hander episode and nothing else as that what we were discussing.

Quote: Badge @ June 30 2011, 1:16 AM BST

I know you will come back and say this is a pilot that you will learn from blah-di-blah-di-blah but I don't believe that. You said it earlier in this thread but you also said you had a two-hander already written - will you re-write that in the light of feedback here? Honestly? I doubt it.

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I completely understand the scepticism but generally I am re-writing and a re-drafting. I haven't disagreed with one point of criticism yet.

Can I propose a writing competition? A Cotter-Competition if you will.

Most of your feedback consists of people telling you what you're doing wrong and that you don't listen to them. It's a very common theme. So, if you're happy to do so, James. Why not have yourself a little comp? You get enough feedback to suggest that enough people take an interest in your writing (take that however you want). So hopefully you'll get a lot of entrants.

Ask all your critics to write you a 5-10 min sketch and put it to the vote. Even if people don't take this too seriously. If we can all agree upon some decent material for you to perform, you'll be half way there to producing something decent. We'll then have more chance of weeding out whether your past material has been poor or it's just down to your performance and/or production.

In return someone has their script performed, who may not have had the chance or ability to hear it before. And you get a free written piece.

Quote: Leevil @ June 30 2011, 1:18 PM BST

Can I propose a writing competition? A Cotter-Competition if you will.

Most of your feedback consists of people telling you what you're doing wrong and that you don't listen to them. It's a very common theme. So, if you're happy to do so, James. Why not have yourself a little comp? You get enough feedback to suggest that enough people take an interest in your writing (take that however you want). So hopefully you'll get a lot of entrants.

Ask all your critics to write you a 5-10 min sketch and put it to the vote. Even if people don't take this too seriously. If we can all agree upon some decent material for you to perform, you'll be half way there to producing something decent. We'll then have more chance of weeding out whether your past material has been poor or it's just down to your performance and/or production.

In return someone has their script performed, who may not have had the chance or ability to hear it before. And you get a free written piece.

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This was suggested before but nothing really happened with it although I've had material written for me by six writers on here.

Okay, fair enough.

Oh, and would you like to make it seven?

Quote: Leevil @ June 30 2011, 1:28 PM BST

Okay, fair enough.

Oh, and would you like to make it seven?

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I'm always looking for new material to perform so yes of course.