Hi folks, let me know what you think. My Ronnie Barker / Two Ronnies influences come right through in this piece but that's the sort of stuff I love to write (and watch) so make no apologies for it!
Cheers,
Andy

PUB INTERIOR: MICHELLE WALKS IN, SPOTS HER FRIEND VICTORIA SITTING AT A TABLE ON HER OWN AND GOES OVER TO HER. THERE ARE ALREADY TWO FULL GLASSES ON THE TABLE.

VICTORIA
Hello mate.

MICHELLE
Sorry I’m late – have you had a long wait?

VICTORIA
No, I’m not long in. I got you a Gin.

MICHELLE
Thanks babe – shall I begin?

VICTORIA
Yes, take a seat. You wanted to meet?

MICHELLE
(SITS DOWN) I spoke to your brother Pete.

VICTORIA
And what did he say?

MICHELLE
That the other day I upset you in some way. Imagine my dismay.

VICTORIA
Don’t give it a second thought. I was just a little distraught as I saw you and Scott getting hot. I liked him a lot.

MICHELLE
Oh my God, sorry - I forgot.

VICTORIA
It’s just not fair. Scott Kildare, the bricklayer with long hair – you can’t help but stare.

MICHELLE
(CONCERNED) Do you REALLY care?

VICTORIA
It’s OK I guess. So any success!?

MICHELLE
I must confess things progressed, he caressed my breasts, we undressed and made a mess at his address.

VICTORIA
(LIGHTHEARTED) So it was a quickie with the brickie!

MICHELLE
(SERIOUSLY) Stop taking the mickey Vicky. It got tricky.

VICTORIA
You got a confession after your session?

MICHELLE
I’ve learned a lesson. We had no protection and on re-inspection of his erection it had an imperfection.

VICTORIA
What do you mean?

MICHELLE
Worst thing I’ve seen - unclean and a little green. God knows where it’s been.

VICTORIA
(CONCERNED) You alright?

MICHELLE
Well, I got a fright at the sight so left the little shite late at night when he went out like a light. I was high as a kite.

VICTORIA
Sounds like hell Michelle.

MICHELLE
I started to swell and it hurt for a spell. Can’t you tell I’m still unwell?

VICTORIA
I must say, you look OK – just a little grey.

IN WALKS SCOTT KILDARE (WORKMANS GEAR, LONG HAIR ETC) ARM IN ARM WITH ANOTHER GIRL AND THEY WALK OVER TO THE CORNER OF THE BAR AND START KISSING EACH OTHER PASSIONATELY – VICTORIA NOTICES THIS WHILE MICHELLE BRIEFLY LOOKS THE OTHER WAY.

VICTORIA
(NUDGING MICHELLE) Look in the corner!

MICHELLE
Oh my God, I must warn her! (SHE STARTS TO STAND UP)

VICTORIA
Wait - don’t go yet, that looks like Annette from the Launderette so don’t fret. This is one he’ll regret.

MICHELLE
Why, have you met?

VICTORIA
I heard last week at the boutique that she’s quite unique. Take a good peak at that physique.

MICHELLE
(SHOCKED) You mean that’s a MAN, so-to-speak? He’s gonna freak!

VICTORIA
He’s gonna feel sick pretty quick when he feels the dick on that chick.

MICHELLE
Serves him right the prick.

VICTORIA
If the twat gets her back to his flat he’s gonna regret that for a fact.

MICHELLE
But gives us something to laugh at - the prat.

VICTORIA
Yup, just a few more beers and there’s gonna be tears!

BOTH
Cheers! (THEY TOUCH GLASSES AND START GIGGLING)

THE END

Wow, really well written. I could defiantly see the Two Ronnies influence. You forgot to almost swear at the end though lol.

But it was really good. Well done.

Andy

I like this a lot! Nice to see something a lot more original on the boards (even if it does remind me of The Two Ronnies, like you said)

Well done, and very funny!

Dan

Im not really familiar with the two ronnies work so I'll just judge this as it is. I really like it, the exchange between the two was so vivid and made me laugh. The sketch painted quite a colourful group of characters and I could see this on a sketch show easy. Really good, well done

Scott if you've got Sky or Freeview I'd check out the Two Ronnies on ITV3 I think? I'm not their biggest fan, but some of Ronnie Barkers word play is literally genius.

I cant imagine there's to be quite as rich as this sketch in terms of what the topic was about

Very good and well planned and thought out. Are you thinking of doing several more?

This is my favourite sketch I've seen on here so far. It's quality. Look forward to more.

Quote: David Chapman @ February 22, 2007, 9:16 PM

Very good and well planned and thought out. Are you thinking of doing several more?

View original

Thanks David - word play, rhyming fun and lyrics to existing tunes are all fun for me to do and although I've only done a couple in the past like this (at this length) I think I will do some more as it was real fun to do.
I see from your profile that writing lyrics is one of your things - if you want to read some clever and funny lyric writing - one of the regular guys on here 'Baumski' has a rare talent for it and his site is worth checking out... http://baumskifilks.com/
Why do I feel like Baumski's agent!? ;o)

Glad you liked it.
Cheers,

Andy

I loved it-really original compared to some things I've read-but funny at the same time-it was unique without having to be so surreal that it went over my head.
great job

Great sketch; imaginative, funny and a terrific pay-off with the chick with a dick. Well done and looking forward to the next one.

That was a touch of pure magic. Very well crafted and well written.
FANTASTIC.

Makes my stuff look like pieces of poo!

Well done

Excellent. Like the Two Ronnies but with - ahem - more modern language. And another great variation is that they are women. I'd vote for this in the sketch show poll.

Yeah

Very good Andy. Two Ronnies for the modern generation but in this case the two Rosies.

Good stuff

Very very good Andy. I lurvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvved it.

heres one for you.

Andy i got Randy, walked all bandy thinking of all the shags that those to bags were getting.Not one for fretting i went straight to the drawer where there is a porn film or four, Cor.
That done the biz, i cleaned up the jizz,rang my mate liz.
Liz was being a cow, i thought, who can i call now, not one to fluster i called a ghostbuster. He got rid of the ghost, i liked the most, and the one that he left, went all bereft and fooked of next door, the friggin bore.
So all alone now, like a lonley ol' cow, i rang 999 and said be on time. I may talk in slang but my neck i will hang if you are not here in 5 i will not be alive.
10 minutes later Christian Slater undid my rope, called me a dope. Took me to bed where i gratefuly said, thanks for jumping out of the tv, to rescue little old me. He smiled & said no flack hun, i think i have come hun, off now to work with Sam Jackson.

I know this is all drivell, if you hate it go swivel, i am not a caring, just being daring. I am off now to fight a yeti i have had to much alphabet spaghetti.