For week 2 of Parsons & Naylor. What do you lot think?

Cheers

Dan

PARSONS AND NAYLOR’S PULL-OUT SECTIONS

LIVERPOOL PLAYERS

Liverpool’s Craig Bellamy attacked team-mate Jon Arne Riise with a putter at a training camp in Portugal. A karaoke night ended with Bellamy trying to coerce Riise to join him on stage and sing ‘Angels’. Riise was said to infuriate Bellamy by pointing out the irony of him singing ‘Angels’. Bellamy says he was not at all disgruntled and claims he was merely under orders to 'show him the golf club.'

Rafa Benitez was heard to tell Bellamy that he liked the 'four-iron' players at the club and hoped to strike a few more deals soon.

Riise's mother complained about the bruising sustained on her son's legs. When footballer's mothers are complaining about bruising on their sons' legs, maybe it's time to protect their precious little boys' legs in cotton wool. Or maybe golf club covers.

BRITNEY’S NEW HAIR-DO

Britney Spears checked out of rehab after only one day, shaved her head, got some tattoos and started wearing a wig. How *bad* was her rehab exactly? Wouldn't a short skirt and no knickers been just as conspicuous? At least nobody would have noticed her when she returned to her trailer park.

When a fan asked 'What have you done?' she replied 'You did this.' They replied 'No, I didn't. I was stood over here.' Craig Bellamy then dropped his golf club and was seen running from the scene.

It is suspected she has been at a Rehab Trailer Park: Step One -- shave head, get tattoos. Step Two -- get addicted to something slightly less addictive than last time. Step Three -- congratulations, you're Robbie Williams!

ROBBIE WILLIAMS’ ADDICTIONS

It turns out Robbie Williams is addicted to over-the-counter painkillers. His addictions seem to be to less serious poisons each time he goes to rehab. First it was drugs, then drink, now painkillers. In a year's time, he'll be back in the news complaining that he's been to The Priory to wean himself off Fruit Pastilles.

‘MILE-HIGH’ RALPH FIENNES

The air stewardess who allegedly had sex with Ralph Fiennes in an aeroplane toilet told this week how she immediately contacted another man afterwards telling him: “I've just been with that Ralph Fiennes. Now it's your turn!'” Intrepid explorer Sir Ranulph Fiennes says he was both shocked and stunned to receive the call, in more ways than one.

EXPANSION OF CONGESTION ZONE

(As shipping forecast) 'Congestion Charge. Slowly moving west. Pounds 8. Rip-off. Horrendous.'

On the morning of the first day of the expansion, Ken Livingstone claimed that "first indications are that traffic levels have been reduced as expected by the scheme." He did not claim that "it's half-term this week. Oh dear."

ROAD-PRICING

Over a million people have signed an on-line petition against Pay-As-You-Go Road-Pricing. In fact, the Prime Minister’s website crashed after the petition was publicised on BBC's car magazine programme Top Gear. This is a major downturn in New Labour's support. At the next election, they are expected to be soundly beaten by the UK's most popular party: Jeremy Clarkson.

NEW SPEED CAMERAS INTRODUCED

New speed cameras are to be introduced to Britain’s roads. They no longer have to be visible and are so small they can be hidden in cat’s eyes. I don’t know about you, but my cat is livid!

Gordon Brown is now getting £50billion a year in road taxes and only £7billion is actually being spent on the roads. £1.1million of it is being spent on the 11 spin doctors he claims he doesn't have. This is not their salary, but merely an investment in speed cameras behind their weaselly, little eyes.

TEENAGE GUN CRIME

To counteract the gun culture that has this week littered Britain’s streets, Tony Blair wants the gun crime age lowered to 17 with a minimum 5 years inside. Tell that to the young men who were already inside when they were shot. At home. In bed.

Home Office figures have shown that violent crime in England and Wales was continuing to rise. A spokeman for the Home Office said 'In general, violent crime has risen. However, it did drop last week whilst Craig Bellamy was in Portugal.’

The Robbie Williams Addiction one is pretty much perfect. Very funny. I also liked the Conjestion Zone and Speed camera ones.

Hmmm this is possible suicide posting my stuff up here but meh.

Britney spears – Britney has shaved her hair off, people are calling her nuts and insane now I haven’t been following this story but I couldn’t agree more there are plenty of ways to remove head lice, combs and shampoos for instance.

Britain – It’s been reported that British children are growing up in the most depressing country in the developed world! I was going to tell my children but they have enough to worry about. They’ll probably end up pulling a Britney.

BA baggage rules – these new baggage rules are going to be quite an expense, I mean terrorists have enough trouble getting there stuff on a planes never mind having to shell out an extra £30 (one way of course).

Passport interview – I can’t imagine a situation where you are asked if you’re a terrorist and say: “yes… darn it you caught me!”

Robbie Williams - Robbie’s in rehab after becoming addicted to anti depressants, now if anyone has even been to a rehab centre it’s a health spa to put it bluntly, there’s a reason they do those drugs, its not because there addictive the water jet pools are really cool!

and swertyd very good I liked your road pricing and robbie williams the most.

I wrote and sent these in a hurry... so don't hurt me! (AJP! put that baseball bat down! ahhhh!!!!)

Hi Dan

Particularly liked shipping forecast (LOL) and speed cameras too.

I also think that you have got the show's delivery style down well too. In particular Mr Parsons. I could well imagine him delivering some or indeed any of these.

Footy ones maybe a bit too vague for the audience though; but sound work indeed.

Thanks guys

And yes, thanks, Blenk -- I have him saying the gags in my head. Figure if I can get the jokes in his 'style' it's one less obstacle in the way of them using my jokes!

Paul -- your Baggage handler joke is quality. Laughed out loud at that one.

Cheers

Dan

Some good topical stuff here Dan - just right for the show (of course!). Like the Bellamy stuff thrown in throughout and it seems to all tie together quite well.
Robbie Williams section is spot on - agree with Rosco on that one. Must admit I'm addicted to sweets myself - does that mean I would have to go into 'Re-haribo'? (sorry, poor attempt at a pun there).
Good work mate.

Quote: Andy W. @ February 20, 2007, 4:16 PM

does that mean I would have to go into 'Re-haribo'?

View original

I say no, no, no

Swerytd,
The speed cameras / cats eyes one really hits the spot! A real 'Badum Tish' ending. The last para of the Britney hair do is also spot on.

Paul - the baggae costs one is v.good.

I like the way it all links. Funny stuff. Like.
When I saw the headlines about 'Shaven Britney' I did take notice. Imagine my horror etc etc.

Cheers Fred/flicker for taking the time to read.

Dan

I liked the running theme very much, particularly the Bellamy stuff. Wouldn't be too surprised to see some of this nicked if they know about this site...

Thanks for the kind words flicker and swerytd.

By the way when do you normally hear from the BBC on your material been used? does anyone have any frame of referance?

You would most likely be contacted some time after the material is used (could be up to a couple of months) and then they would normally send you a contract.

Ouch Im best off listening to the show to find out then