Hi. Below I've pasted the opening scenes of a sitcom pilot. The first scene is, in all probability, far too long. But when should I CUT TO: SCENE 2? I'm think after "...fire, flood and acts of Bob." But then scene two will be quite long, though that's better than having an extra long scene one, right? Thoughts and opinions, both general and specific, would be most welcome.(The rest of it's not typed up yet, the plot exists on all manner of paper scraps and envelope backs. It's a simple format, a couple having another couple round for dinner, naturally there are occurences which involve other characters popping round, but this is all you're getting for now. Not that you should be grateful, obviously.) Thanks!
This is my first post, why do I have a post count of two?

SCENE 1. INT.BEDROOM– DAY [07.45]
MESSY WITH CLOTHES AND SHOES SCATTERED ON THE STRIPPED PINE FLOOR. KING SIZE BED WITH WHITE LINEN. PINE DRESSER COVERED IN MAKE UP. LARGE PINE WARDROBE WITH BOTH DOORS OPEN. PINE CHEST COVERED IN CRUMPLED CLOTHES. FREE STANDING PINE FRAMED MIRROR WITH JACKET HUNG OVER IT. BEDSIDE TABLES WITH LAMPS, BOOKS AND RADIO ALARM CLOCK.
FRANK IS LYING FACE DOWN, PRESUMABLY ASLEEP.
GAIL IS SAT UP IN BED TRYING TO TOUCH HER TOES.
GAIL:
(SITS BACK AND NUDGES FRANK) I’m thinking of inviting Bob and Sarah over for dinner tonight.
FRANK:
(BEAT) Urrrh
GAIL:
Is that ok with you? (NUDGES FRANK AGAIN)
FRANK:
(BEAT) Urrrh
GAIL:
(PRESSING) So should I invite them or not? Go urrrh for yes.
FRANK:
Urrrh, urrrh.
GAIL:
Two yeses. Great. (PLEASED WITH HERSELF) That’s settled then, I’ll text Sarah now.
FRANK:
Urrrh, urrrh.
GAIL:
I heard you the first time.
GAIL PICKS UP HER PHONE FROM THE BEDSIDE TABLE AND TEXTS WITH GREAT DEXTERITY.
SHE PLACES IT NEXT TO FRANK’S HEAD.
(PAUSE)
HER PHONE BEEPS LOUDLY.
FRANK ROLLS OVER, RUBS HIS EYES, GLARES AT GAIL AND SLOWLY AND DELIBERATELY SHAKES HIS HEAD.
GAIL READS A TEXT AND SMILES.
FRANK:
I take it Captain Clumsy and Sarah Shrink will be affording us the pleasure of their company this evening?
GAIL:
Yes. (NODS) You excited?
FRANK:
No. (SHAKES HEAD) I’m afraid, very afraid.
GAIL:
Why? What’s there to be afraid of?
FRANK:
He makes me fear for my home. She makes me fear for my sanity.
GAIL:
(TURNS HEAD TO FRANK) Our home.
FRANK:
Our home, my sanity. I suppose you already have a menu in mind.
GAIL:
(KEEN) I thought we could do Greek for a change. Or French. What do you think?
FRANK:
Greek. Bob’s bound to break a few plates anyway. We may as well legitimize the inevitable crockery carnage.
GAIL:
You never stop do you? You’re not even up yet and you’ve got out the wrong side. He causes far less damage than he used to.
FRANK:
Typhoid and Kilroy-Silk cause far less damage than they used to, that doesn’t mean I want them round for dinner. I’ll check the home insurance small print to make sure we’re covered, fire, flood, and acts of Bob.
GAIL:
(IGNORING FRANK) I can’t wait to see Sarah. I want to ask her how she does it, work, home, studying for her Masters, and she always looks immaculate. She’s incredible. We’re lucky she had a window.
FRANK:
One Bob hasn’t broken.
GAIL:
(STILL IGNORING FRANK) She always has plenty of news to share.
FRANK:
Yeah. About herself. She’s the patron saint elect of before, during and after dinner speakers.
GAIL STETCHES AND YAWNS
FRANK(CONT’D):
Specialist subject - her own psychosis and fruitless quests for meaning.
GAIL:
Do you fancy her?
FRANK:
She’s off her trolley.
GAIL:
And you’re normal I suppose?
FRANK:
No doubt she’ll be the judge of that (BEAT) and everything else. At least we’re avoiding the potential minefield of serving her French cuisine. (RAISES CHIN AND LOOKS DOWN NOSE)
GAIL PUTS HER CHIN ON HER CHEST AND ROTATES HER HEAD SLOWLY IN EITHER DIRECTION, THEN SHRUGS HER SHOULDERS SEVERAL TIMES IN A LOOSENING UP EXERCISE.
FRANK(CONT’D):
(AS SARAH. SARCASTIC. HURRIED.) ‘I really do appreciate the tremendous effort you’ve gone to, only one more question before I start eating, better safe than sorry. Can I have your utmost assurance the truffle fed hand reared guinea hen braised in stoat’s urine I asked for is from Toulouse? Because the Bordeaux birds, (TUTS AND SHAKES HEAD) well, I’m sorry, but I just can’t keep them down. Their meat renders me wide open to anxiety attacks’.
GAIL:
Give it a rest Frank. She’s not that bad, just sensible. She’s always been careful about what she puts in her body.
FRANK:
Just not who. (BEAT) Or why. Or when. Or where.
GAIL:
(PROTECTIVE) Sarah’s had bad luck with men. She’s never been a great judge of character.
FRANK:
She’s your best friend.
GAIL:
Anyway, by the time people reach our age, most of us have had more than three sexual partners.
FRANK:
(DEFENSIVE) It wasn’t easy for me. Most girls I knew were influenced by the Greenham Common protests. They were all dungarees, henna mohicans, doc martins and man hating. I was an unsung victim of cold war cruise missile placement.
GAIL:
You’re not going to drink too much tonight are you? Is there much left?
FRANK:
I’m more sociable after a few drinks.
GAIL:
You’re more obnoxious too.
FRANK:
True. Alcohol helps me strike a balance. There’s a case of Heineken and three bottles of merlot, but Bob spills it quicker than we drink it.
GAIL:
What are you going to do about Sarah?
FRANK:
Continue to lie and pretend I like her?
GAIL:
Booze wise. You know she only drinks Fair Trade organic white wine.
FRANK:
I’m well aware of her concern over the size of her ecological footprint. Last time they came I spent forty minutes in the off license working out if the Cape was further away than Chile and how much fuel it took to transport each bottle to Threshers.
GAIL:
You were gone a long time. Didn’t Bob know?
FRANK:
He stayed in the car.
GAIL:
For forty minutes? It was January, he must’ve been frozen.
FRANK:
I left the engine running and the heater on full blast. I’m not entirely thoughtless.
GAIL:
(SIGHS) Great. I’ve married Clarkson.
FRANK:
That’s right, I’m always the bad guy. What about your Uncle David? Sat in the car, engine running for hours, didn’t even leave his garage.
GAIL:
He’d committed suicide Frank, carbon emissions weren’t exactly his top priority. And thanks for reminding me about that. Is nothing sacred to you?
FRANK:
Of course it is.
GAIL:
What is?
FRANK:
I’m human, I’ve got a conscience. I care about people. I’ve been religious, lying awake at night and praying for forgiveness. And yes, I did feel something…
GAIL:
Yourself?
FRANK:
But I had to stop, it felt like blasphemy because…
GAIL:
(BORED) Yes, we’ve heard about your so-called inappropriate erections…
FRANK:
(BEAT) Thinking back, maybe they were a sign from God. A little something to show He was listening, an immediate confirmation of my bonding with the Almighty.
GAIL:
They could’ve been. God does encourage people to use their talents. In your case masturbation and (PAUSE)
FRANK:
And?
GAIL:
(STUMPED) Sometimes it’s good to specialize. (SMILES)
FRANK:
(IGNORING GAIL’S COMMENT) What time are they claiming they’ll get here?
GAIL:
Sarah said to expect them around seven.
FRANK:
God help me.
GAIL:
So you do fancy her.
CUT TO:

SCENE 2. INT. KITCHEN – DAY[11.30]
STANDARD KITCHEN. FITTED UNITS AND WHITE GOODS. PURPOSE BUILT BOOKSHELVES FULL OF COOK BOOKS. DISHES DRAINING ALONGSIDE SINK. VARIOUS PAINTED SERVING DISHES AND CHOPPING BOARDS PLACED ON WORK SURFACES AMONG MANY OPEN COOK BOOKS. VARIOUS INGREDIENTS CLUTTER THE WORK TOPS INCLUDING AN OPEN POT OF COTTAGE CHEESE.
FRANK PLACES TWO MUGS BESIDE A FULL CAFETIÉRE.
GAIL IS GLANCING BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN OPEN COOK BOOKS.
FRANK:
I don’t know why you have all those cookbooks. Just look up some recipes online.
GAIL:
I can’t be bothered, too many ads and testimonials. Jan’s been investigating euthanasia. Her searches returned fifty options to compare prices and seven chances to be the first to review the patented Dutch Demise lethal injection kit.
FRANK:
The future’s not bright, the…
FRANK STARTS TO PRESS THE PLUNGER ON THE CAFETIÉRE.
GAIL:
(INTERUPTS) We need vine leaves, fresh parsley, unsalted butter, Kalamata olives and Feta cheese. Do you mind popping to Sainsburys?
FRANK PRESSES THE CAFETIÉRE PLUNGER TOO QUICKLY, COFFEE SQUIRTS OUT IN TO THE TUB OF COTTAGE CHEESE.
GAIL (CONT’D):
And some decaf cottage cheese.
FRANK POURS TWO COFFEES THEN ATTEMPTS TO TIP THE COFFEE OUT THE COTTAGE CHESSE TUB IN TO THE SINK. SHEILA TAKES THE TUB OFF HIM AND THROWS IT IN THE BIN. FRANK PICKS UP HIS COFFEE AND HEADS TOWARDS THE HALLWAY. GAIL COLLECTS HER COFFEE AND RETURNS TO STUDYING COOK BOOKS.
FRANK:
(REFLECTIVE) First to review eh. (SIPS COFFEE) What’s the guarantee like? (SIPS COFFEE) I’m going to Sainsburys. I’ll call you when I’m there for an essential ingredient update.
FRANK (CONT’D):
(O.O.V.) Have you seen my phone? (BEAT) It’s ok I’ll call it from yours.
CUT TO:

SCENE 3. INT.BEDROOM-DAY[11.35]
FRANK CALLS HIS PHONE FROM GAIL’S. HE LIFTS UP PILES OF CLOTHES AND THE DUVET SEARCHING FOR IT.
FRANK:
(ON PHONE) Huh. Hello? Who are you? (BEAT) That’s my phone. (BEAT) It must’ve fallen out my pocket. (BEAT) Last night between Forest Gate and Stratford, I was only on the train for three minutes. (BEAT) The twelve thirteen. I caught it at half past. (BEAT) Do you know who handed it in? (BEAT) Oh, ok. Where are you? Where do I go to collect it? (BEAT) Wow, that’s amazing. Forty four Astor Gardens. (BEAT) No, anytime is fine, the sooner the better. Cheers!
CUT TO:

SCENE 4. INT.KITCHEN-DAY[11.40]:
THE RADIO PLAYS VIVALDI, FOUR SEASONS, SPRING. GAIL’S GAZE TURNS FROM COOK BOOK TO COOK BOOK IN TIME WITH THE MUSIC.
FRANK:
(EXCITED) Unbelievable! I dropped my phone on the train last night on the way back from Johns. Not only did someone hand it in, it’s getting dropped off! Some time this afternoon!
GAIL:
That is good. Let’s hope they’re not delayed, rerouted due to leaves on the pavement.
FRANK:
Timetables always cater for a couple of extra shunts. I’ll need a list.
FRANK MAKES A LIST. HE SHOWS IT TO GAIL. GAIL TAKES THE PEN AND ADDS SEVERAL ITEMS TO THE LIST, THEN PAUSES HOLDING THE PEN TO HER MOUTH. FRANK EXAMINES THE LIST.
FRANK (CONT’D):
Is this it? (PAUSE) Are these mere fourteen bare necessities sufficient to meet your every Hellenic culinary whim? (PAUSE) You just take your time. No hurry.
GAIL:
(PAUSE) Sorry, that was cruel of me, thinking before I answered. I didn’t mean to alienate you. (CHECKS COOK BOOK) Yes, that appears to be everything.
FRANK:
Ok, I’m off.
FRANK LEAVES THE KITCHEN.
GAIL:
(CALLING) Have a nice time at the shop dear.
FRANK:
(O.O.V.) (MATTER OF FACT) I won’t.
CUT TO:

I'm gonna hit ya hard pal so please take this constructively ok? the descriptions bring the whole flow to a screetching stop

"MESSY WITH CLOTHES AND SHOES SCATTERED ON THE STRIPPED PINE FLOOR. KING SIZE BED WITH WHITE LINEN. PINE DRESSER COVERED IN MAKE UP. LARGE PINE WARDROBE WITH BOTH DOORS OPEN. PINE CHEST COVERED IN CRUMPLED CLOTHES. FREE STANDING PINE FRAMED MIRROR WITH JACKET HUNG OVER IT. BEDSIDE TABLES WITH LAMPS, BOOKS AND RADIO ALARM CLOCK."

Is really over baring and sounds list a shopping list from IKEA. Just nees to be cut down a bit I'm no expert but this is how I'd do it

"The bedroom is a mess crumpled clothes cover every piece of furniture. Gail is sat on her king size bed trying to touch her toes"

The dialogue is good I liked it just the scene descriptions. I don't use cut to: its normally on the shooting script they put the directions on not at this stage bit of work and it will be very good indeed

Hi Phil

This is *very* good. I like it. The story's moving on a stage in each scene, the characters are well-defined (and different from each other) and, best of all, it's funny and concise.

The main problem you already know about: first scene did feel too long and no action. I'd suggest moving some of the dialogue down to the kitchen scene as it doesn't matter where some of it takes place and in the bedroom scene itself, you could have Frank 'Thanks, now I need to pee!'-ing and their conversation continuing as he goes. Otherwise it all seems a bit static.

Well done though. Make sure you paste the whole thing here when you're done as it's excellent.

Dan

Hi Phil,

I essentially would agree with what the other posters have said. I did like a lot of the dialogue.

Whilst a lot of scene 1 could happen in the kitchen thus enabling you to cut to scene 2 earlier, I would say you could chop a bit off the beginning of scene 1 without loosing anything. Gail could just push Frank out of bed and say 'come on lazy, you promised to to to Sainsbury's, Sarah and Bob are cooming round, remember?'. I'm not saying that's a great piece of dialogue but, to be honest, I don't know anyone who would be free 'tonight' and think it's more realistic to have planned the meal in advance to allow Gail to do the correct amount of fretting about the menu that always seems to accompany these occasions.

And Sheila pops up near the end of scene 2 to empty the coffee from the cottage cheese.

On the whole though, liked it a lot.

Hi Phil

The technical issues others here have dealt with so I'll just tell you what I think of the content.

I think this is very god too. Well written and a high gag count. Good witty dialogue and well presented.

It had a very completed feel for a "work in progress" and it reads a lot better to me than so much of the stuff that is currently being commissioned and produced.

I'd also like to see more once you've done it.

Well done

Thanks for the responses. Addressing them in turn;

Gavin, hopefully the scene descriptions are as ‘short as possible but not shorter’, though I appreciate at this stage, and certainly for the purpose of asking for advice re: ‘when to CUT TO:’ I needn’t necessarily have included them.

swerytd, yeah, the opening scene is definitely too long. I’m certainly going to move some of it down to the dining room. You’re entirely correct about it being irrelevant where the latter dialogue takes place, and, a scene change is indeed required. And showing Frank’s continued indifference to the meal in another location will hopefully cement the idea of his ambivalence to the event.

steve by any other name, my intent was for Sarah to be seen taking advantage of Frank, ie. Frank would never ordinarily agree to having Bob and Sarah round, so Gail had to catch him off guard. And the fact Bob and more specifically Sarah are free that same evening should become clearer later, ie. no one invites Bob anywhere as he’s too clumsy, and Sarah is full of self importance and little else. Gail’s image of Sarah as some multi facetted high achiever is something of fantasy, in reality Bob and Sarah are free that, and most every evening. Oddly coincidental that you mention “Sheila” [sic] as I originally named the other couple Sheila and Josh!

Blenkinsop…thanks!

I’m extremely grateful for the feedback. Scene one, prepare yourself for a chopping. As for other points, I feel slightly awkward, partly because I’m new here but mostly because of the nature of this exercise, basically only I know what’s going to happen, this snippet, unlike a sketch, is not self contained, and whatever's referenced in this opening should maintain some significance in later scenes. Sarah not being the wonder woman she’d like Gail to think she is for example. Oh, I’m starting to ramble, so I’ll shut up.

Thanks again for the comments and thanks for being so welcoming and approachable.