Not intended for critique but feel free.
It's good to see that as a forum and a site that we appear to be picking up momentum with more people getting active on here.
Well done Aaron and Mark and lets hope we go from strength to strength in 2007
Board Picking up
Beginning, middle, end. Good structure - maybe a bit short on characters.
But how did you think it was for plotting and was it too derivative?
Heard it all before, clicheed, even calling for a sequel at the end!
Dan
Hmmm. Thanks for the crits and I've now had a rethink. What about this?
It's terrible to see that as a forum and a site that we appear not to be picking any momentum with less people getting active on here.
Terrible, Aaron and Mark, and lets hope we disappear into oblivion in 2007.
A bit edgier I think
Dark.
Quote: Blenkinsop @ January 4, 2007, 9:41 AMHmmm. Thanks for the crits and I've now had a rethink. What about this?
It's terrible to see that as a forum and a site that we appear not to be picking any momentum with less people getting active on here.
Terrible, Aaron and Mark, and lets hope we disappear into oblivion in 2007.
A bit edgier I think
It's the forum posting equivalent of Jam.
Lizards, lizards, lizards!
And where was the cat on the passenger seat that gets told to eff off? Back to the drawing board. More cats. More gratuitous effing.
OK OK OK! Third draft here:
1. INT - FRONT SEAT OF CAR - DAY
CAT:
Miaow Miaow Purrr purr!
GEORGE:
You stupid effing effer of an effing cat! Why don't you eff the eff off my front seat you effer!
MRS SLOCOMBE:
Oooh! My pussy hasn't seen the light of day in weeks
CAT:
Miaow! Screech!
CANNED LAUGHTER
FADE OUT:
Ok it might be more on the target group but I can't help but feel it's lost the original message here.
Good I thought. Just one bone of contention. I think it's unlikely that Slocombe's pussy would have seen the light of day in the last few years, let alone weeks.
Perhaps this works better:-
MRS SLOCOMBE: Oh, it's been neary 12 years since I've had a good hard rodding!
CAT: It's true you know.
Just a thought.
GJ
I can see where you're coming from on this one but ask yourself this:
A TALKING cat?
I know it's the panto season but come on!
If your trying to make a scene with Mrs Slocombe in it funny, then I don't think it's that far fetched to have a talking cat.
Perhaps this -
CAT: Shut up you annoying old bint.
Goood but I think it needs to be trimmed down a bit. Something like this.
CAT:
Miaaow!
The End
Quote: Ginger Jesus @ January 4, 2007, 3:01 PMIf your trying to make a scene with Mrs Slocombe in it funny, then I don't think it's that far fetched to have a talking cat.
Perhaps this -
CAT: Shut up you annoying old bint.
I think we're getting somewhere with this. What about sending out to a few people as a collaborative project?
We're losing the gratuitous swearing now though.