British Comedy Guide

Newsjack RBC - Lizzy Yarnold TV star

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StephenM

  • Friday 23rd February 2018, 2:15pm
  • London, England
  • 862 posts

My Lizzy Yarnold sketch that sadly ended up on a cutting room floor at Broadcasting House this week.

INTRO: Sports news and Lizzy Yarnold won skeleton gold to become the first British person ever to retain a Winter Olympic title. It's an amazing achievement but am I the only person who every time they hear 'Lizzy Yarnold' thinks were her parents pirates? But after winning double Olympic gold the TV offers are bound to come rolling in.

AGENT: Good news Lizzy, I've been inundated with requests from shows wanting you as a guest. You're more in demand than Scarlett from Googlebox and only just below Liam from Bake Off. We've got an offer here from Graham Norton.
LIZZY: Oh I love his chat show. It would be great to get on and talk about my career and what's next ...
AGENT: They don't want you to speak. They want you to slide in on a tea-tray, wave to camera, big cheer and then go off again.
LIZZY: They don't want me to speak? But I've got great stories about what life is like in the Olympic Village.
AGENT: Do all these stories involve getting an early night to make sure you're at your best for your event?
LIZZY: Yes.
AGENT: Then it's a hard no I'm afraid. Let's put Norton in the maybe pile, what about Ant 'n' Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway?
LIZZY: Oh I love them! Do they want me to do one of their silly games whose name is a terrible pun?
AGENT: Well... they want you to slide in on a tea-tray, wave to camera, big cheer and then go off again. (BEAT) Would it help it they named that segment Re-call the Slid-Life?
LIZZY: No. I don't just want to slide and wave. What about current affairs. Could you get me on Question Time?
AGENT: Sorry the celebrity spot is completely filled by ex-Newsjack hosts. But I could get you Newsnight.
LIZZY: I'd need to read up before that.
AGENT: Hmmm, they want you to slide in on a tea-tray, wave to the crowd, big cheer and then go off again. Apparently it's some sort of metaphor about a Brexit deal slipping away from us.
LIZZY: What else is there?
AGENT: The One Show. Slide on in tray, wave to camera, cut to piece about ex-boy band members who are now llama farmers. Eastenders. Outside Queen Vic, you slide by on tea-tray, wave to camera, cut to shot of Phil Mitchell pulling that face. Dancing on Ice...
LIZZY: I think I get the idea. You're my agent there must be something you can do so I'm not just famous for sliding on a tea-tray!
AGENT: There is one sportswoman who's famous for something other doing sport. Paula Radcliffe. Could you stop halfway down a run to have a dump?

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Bonzo

  • Friday 23rd February 2018, 2:19pm
  • London, England
  • 823 posts

That's brilliant! :)

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Dantrobus

  • Friday 23rd February 2018, 3:04pm
  • England
  • 71 posts

Enjoyed this. Unlucky not to make the final edit.

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Danno

  • Friday 23rd February 2018, 3:32pm
  • Azerbaijan
  • 307 posts

Great work!

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StephenM

  • Friday 23rd February 2018, 4:01pm
  • London, England
  • 862 posts

Thanks all, you're very kind. If only you were in the audience on Wednesday ;-)

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BTF

  • Friday 23rd February 2018, 4:15pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 519 posts

Very well written.

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Paul Wimsett

  • Friday 23rd February 2018, 5:49pm
  • Folkestone, United Kingdom
  • 3,379 posts

I hope ex-Newsjack writers aren't writing the questions in Question Time!

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Mike X

  • Friday 23rd February 2018, 5:52pm
  • 102 posts

Great sketch, should have made it to broadcast.

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beaky

  • Friday 23rd February 2018, 6:01pm
  • Malaga and Brighton, United Kingdom
  • 2,703 posts

It should have done. At least there's an appreciative audience here...