British Comedy Guide

My first go at a sitcom script

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James

  • Saturday 9th January 2016, 4:07pm
  • Coventry, England
  • 146 posts

Hello, I would really appreciate any feedback/ideas on the idea/scene etc below.

My idea is a sitcom around a failing UK wrestling promotion/company and whether they can make changes / accept changes to give the business the best chance of surviving in the face of dwindling crowds, an ageing talent roster and competition from various huge american promotions.

Begins.

WE ARE IN A SNALL, POORLY DECORATED AND COLD BACK ROOM AT A UK WRESTLING SHOW IN THE NORTH OF ENGLAND.
THE PROMOTER AND BRITISH WRESTLING LEGEND , MICK MCMANN AND HIS WIFE, AGEING FEMALE WRESTLING STAR, PRINCESS LADY ARE WATCHING THE WRESTLING ACTION FROM BEHIND THE SCENES.
ALTHOUGH MICK IS ENTHUSIASTIC ABOUT WHAT HE IS WATCHING PRINCESS LOOKS UNHAPPY AND INCREASINGLY FRUSTRATED BY MICK'S INTERPRETATION OF WHAT HE IS WATCHING

PRINCESS
Jesus Mick, this is awful - We can't go on like this.

MICK
What you on about, it's been a great night!

Rory "The Flying Scotsman" McGregor managed a great back flip off the top rope - despite his hernia , The Giant wrestled for a good fifteen minutes without coughing up blood and Kid Vicious hasn't punched any children - this has been the best show for months! We just need Hulk Harris to turn up now for the main event (looks at watch and nervously looks out the back window)

PRINCESS
Successful? In the last week we've seen 95 in Stockport , 120 in Darlington and tonight 75 ...tops

MICK(INSPECTING AT THE CROWD) No got to be 80 at least

PRINCESS
I'm talking about numbers in the crowd not the average age

MICK
Don't knock it we do very well getting the pensioners in, should be a bus load from Hartlepool here for the main event - then the place will be rocking!

PRINCESS LOOKS UNIMPRESSED

MICK I've got a job lot of Wurthers Originals on the concession stand - 100% mark up!

PRINCESS
100% f**k up more like - none of them pay full price - we should stop the pensioners and disabled discount

MICK
Oh not sure about that , might annoy the lads

PRINCESS
Huh, take it personal you reckon?

MICK
Eh?

PRINCESS
Look at that daft sod out there - The Lightning Kid. Huh, the Lightning Kid - he must be sixty. You get anywhere near him and all you can smell is deep heat and "just for men"

MICK
That's not age, that's experience , don't knock it. He has forgotten more about wrestling than some of these young lads have ever learnt

PRINCESS
Yeah, that's alzheimers for you. You've got to work out whether you want to be running a successful wrestling promotion or a retirement home for your knackered mates

THERE IS A KNOCK ON THE DOOR AND A YOUNG WRESTLER COMES IN. RAJ IS WEARING BABBGY RED PYJAMA BOTTOMS AND A SHORT BRIGHT GREEN ORNATE SATIN WAISTCOAT

MICK
Oh not now son, board meeting

PRINCESS
Come in Raj luv, I'm off to get a drink (PRINCESS LEAVES TO HEAD FOR THE BAR)

RAJ
Mick, we've got to talk it's an emergency

MICK
Alright but make it quick, I've got a mass suicide to arrange

RAJ
Look, you know I am right behind you and I'm fully committed to wrestling for you Mick. You're my hero, when I was a kid I used to love watching your matches on video,(BEAT) on Betamax videos that my Dad had from when he was a nipper

MICK
Come on son, get to the point

RAJ
(PLUCKING UP COURAGE) OK, well, what it is ; I can't be wrestling as The Arabian Assassin Ali Baba anymore. It's, it's old fashioned and it's racist

MICK
Whoa, hold on a minute there Raj - what's so bad about being old fashioned? Everyone thought ballroom dancing was old fashioned, now look at it, biggest show on the telly

RAJ
Yeah but it wouldn't be if Tess and Claudia were blacking up every week. (HOLDS UP A TUB OF BISTO GRAVY GRANULES)

Have a look out there, that's what's wrong with being old fashioned - its like a Jimmy Saville rememberance service.

How about you let me try one of my new characters tonight ?

MICK:
new character? Too many more nights like this son and won't be new characters we'll need, it's new careers

RAJ:
exactly! We need to build crowds; bring in younger fans, get a buzz going, some controversy, that's how we would get a deal with a TV company

MICK:
oh yeah, so what's the plan then Kent Walton?

RAJ:
OK, got a great idea for a...Kent who?

MICK
Never mind

RAJ:
OK, new heel character....Saddam Bin Laden!

MICK:
You read the papers son?

RAJ:
And on my way to the ring I pull back me robe to reveal what appears to be a suicide bomb vest, but it's actually rows of sausages, coz he's actually a halal butcher from Derby.

MICK :
Are you taking the piss?

RAJ
No, its edgy, its controversial, it will have people talking

MICK Y
Yeah it will have people talking, audiences, then the police and then judges and all of them talking at me about going to prison

RAJ:
And the best part is that on my way to the ring I come out with 96 virgins.

MICK
where am I going to find 96 virgins by half eight..in Bury?

RAJ
Well my sister is in Year 11 and I've sort of promised a load of her mates I can...

MICK
No! Definitely not! Look I know youre eager lad but you can't use these lazy stereotypes, playing on ignorance and bigotry to make a quick buck

RAJ
(looking sheepish) Sorry Mick

MICK
No problem, now go on, you're on in fifteen minutes, go and get your curly slippers on

RAJ
(leaving)
SIGHS

ENDS

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playfull

  • Saturday 9th January 2016, 4:27pm
  • Nottingham, England
  • 1,726 posts

Not bad - got the characters and setup already. A couple of nice jokes and plenty of opportunity for age gags.

Could see Tim Healy as Mick taking it one way and it being a completely different animal with Peter Kay as Mick. Who did you have in mind?

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James

  • Saturday 9th January 2016, 4:31pm
  • Coventry, England
  • 146 posts

That is odd because I do see Mick as Tim Healy in my head, well, Tim Healy, coupled with Mick McManus and a touch of my Uncle Dennis)

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Will Cam

  • Friday 15th January 2016, 11:30pm
  • England
  • 7,989 posts

A promising start James, enjoyed that.

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beaky

  • Tuesday 19th January 2016, 9:49am
  • Malaga and Brighton, United Kingdom
  • 2,719 posts

I think it's very promising, too. Could do with cutting: for example, Mick's line should be shortened to - "96 virgins by half eight - in Bury?"

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gappy

  • Tuesday 19th January 2016, 10:38am
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,027 posts

Good stuff: nice original set-up, clear characters, and gags (door take vs average age I enjoyed). I think it's a strong start although I do think that Mick's opinion seems to change when he talks to Raj - perhaps it would be best if he stayed positive and didn't say anything about new careers, and Lady delivered the negative lines. I like the ide of him being unbeatably positive.

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James

  • Tuesday 19th January 2016, 9:27pm
  • Coventry, England
  • 146 posts

cheers for all the comments, really helpful and encouraging.

That change you suggest on that line makes such a difference Beaky, thank you.

That is a good spot Gappy, will have to think about the character a bit more. My plans is that it all revolves around Mick having to accept that things are going wrong and begin to accept the changes that sort of fuel where it goes..will have to think on ...thank you

Will get stuck into it now, see if I can get an episode written!

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Mattytheswan

  • Thursday 21st January 2016, 11:56am
  • England
  • 175 posts

Hi James
I too enjoyed reading this and would happily read more. A good start indeed. I was going to say what Gappy said also. There are points where the script feels gag lead as opposed to character lead... so something to keep an eye on. Just really make sure you know your characters and let them drive the stories.

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steven

  • Thursday 28th January 2016, 6:33am
  • England
  • 135 posts

Really enjoyed that. Some terrific lines in there.

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Nick81

  • Wednesday 10th February 2016, 10:57am
  • Preston, England
  • 358 posts

For a first attempt, this is really nice. Love the premise, can picture the characters and really snappy dialogue.

I look forward to seeing more.

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comedywriter dude

  • Wednesday 2nd March 2016, 10:18am
  • Australia
  • 225 posts

ha ha good stuff I wonder if you could almost make it like a cartoon wrestling cartoon.

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James

  • Sunday 5th November 2017, 6:44pm
  • Coventry, England
  • 146 posts

keen to get some further feedback (been a while had stuff going on but think I may have close to a first episode done, which I now am keen to tidy and start sending out.

Any ideas on the below scene would be much appreciated.

Also, what do I do next? and how?

Scene
Int. LOCKER ROOM
WRESTLERS MIX AND MOVE AROUND IN LOCKER ROOM. WE FOCUS IN ON A HUGE FAT SHAVEN HEADED UGLY WRESTLER. THE HUGE MAN BENDS DOWN FROM HIS WAIST AND ATTEMPTS TO PULL UP HIS WRESTLING LEOTARD. HE GRUNTS AND GROANS AS HE STRUGGLES TO PULL THEM UP OVER HIS KNEES AND EVENTUALLY HE STANDS UP, RED FACED

SKULL CRUSHER
(GASPING)
Nope, they're not going on

(SO SAYING HE SITS BACK DOWN ON HIS BENCH TO CATCH HIS BREATH AND HAVE A REST. SUDDEENLY A PORTLY MIDDLE AGED BLONDE WOMAN WITH A THICK COLOURED BOB IN FULL WRESTLING LEOTARD BOUNDS TOWARDS HIM LOOKING IRATE

KATIE
(ANGRILY GESTICULATING TO VARIOUS CONFECTIONARY AND CHOCOLATE ON THE WOODEN BENCH BY SKULL CRUSHER)

What's all this?

SKULL CRUSHER
(STILL BREATHING HEAVILY)
Just some presents from a fan

KATIE
Oh yeah and I bet I know which fan

SKULL CRUSHER
Oh don't start this again Katie ; it's ridiculous

KATIE
(GRABBING OUT AT VARIOUS BOXES AND GIFTS)
Look at all this, malteasers, fruit and nut, jaffa cakes, big toblerone - don't you look me in the eye and tell me she's just a fan. You're seeing that cow behind my back aren't ya?

SKULL CRUSHER
Oh don't be daft Katie, course I'm not seeing her, you're my wife

KATIE
I've seen the way you look at her and the looks she gives you - with that twinkle in her eye

SKULL CRUSHER
That's not a twinkle Katie, that's glaucoma - she's 85

KATIE
Don't give me that excuse again - I don't care what age she is she's after you ; s stuck to that mobility scooter out there

(SO SAYING KATIE STORMS OFF HURLING THE TOBLERONE ACROSS THE ROOM)

SKULL CRUSHER
(TO SELF)
Bloody hell she's nuts.

(SHAKES HEAD)

Right, let's give it another go

(STANDS UP, BENDS DOWN AND HAS ANOTEHR GO AT PULLING HIS LEOTARD BOTTOMS UP)

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Lazzard

  • Monday 6th November 2017, 10:23am
  • Ludlow, England
  • 4,669 posts

"big Toblerone" made me laugh.
The 'mobility scooter line is a bit garbled - typo I'm presuming - shame, as that's your punchline effectively.
One overall note - and this applies to the first section you posted, really - don't always be describing funny stuff that's already happened.
Make sure the funny stuff happens in front of camera as well.
Nothing wrong with a few sight gags ( though they are harder to get down on paper!)
I think the premise is really strong.
Please, please get it in good shape before you send out - good series bible/2-pager etc - make it easy to buy!!

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beaky

  • Monday 6th November 2017, 9:40pm
  • Malaga and Brighton, United Kingdom
  • 2,719 posts

I like the glaucoma joke.