INTROS:
It's been revealed that more than half of Britain's pilots have fallen asleep mid-flight... and in completely unrelated news, I'm now terrified of flying.

Athletes at London 2012 had striking levels of bad teeth... or to put it another way... they respected local customs.

In the hours leading up to the US shutdown, Louise Mensch announced that she was seeking citizenship... coincidence?

Robbie Fowler has apologised after accusing two footballers of fighting like girls. In future, he's promised to use the correct term... handbags at dawn.

Historians have revealed that King Ferdinand had both head lice and pubic lice, but not syphilis... well, two out of three ain't bad!

JACKAPPS:
If Jesus was the world's first tweeter, then that'd explain why he's got so many followers.

I hope John McCririck wins his tribunal... not because I hate ageism, but because I love knobheads!

Mental patient costumes aren't just for Halloween; they're also perfect for crazy golf.

Joey Barton's started studying for a degree... now that's what I call a waste of two days wages!

If David Cameron's not sure whether he's a feminist, then he's obviously forgotten the many occasions he's been a sexist pig!

INTRO
Viewers of BBC news have been talking about the staff behind the partition that separates the newsroom and studio, but don't worry they get fed and watered and if you look to the left they have their own exercise wheel so every things fine.

A study revealed that the third year of marriage is the best. If you're having trouble remembering this think of marriage like 90's boyband Hanson. Year 1 is the annoying little one you just have to put up with. Year 2 is the older one, better than year 1 but nothing compared with the honey vocalist Taylor Hanson. So in summary the 3rd year is good and I miss Hanson

JACK APPS
Kids don't need tutors for the four plus assessment, it's easy. It's the same as the four assessment except one hour later

I bet that D Day survivor was only pretending not to know who Brad Pitt was. He's team Jennifer Aniston through and through

I was happy to see two cigars Churchill never smoked being auctioned. I can get my hands on hundreds of cigars he never smoked, well maybe not hundreds

If during her life an average woman spends eighteen thousand pound on make up how much does an ugly woman spend?

(Louie Spence) Louie Spence here. Why is everyone so surprised that dancers can ignore the part of the brain that makes them feel dizzy I've been ignoring the part of my brain that makes me feel embarrassed for years

When the entire country is skint some scientist spends money on a study to discover Polish women have four times more sex than British women. Brilliant (!) I suppose next you'll spend a fortune on finding out where they live (Keen) Won't you?

(Greg Wallace) I can't wait until the new restaurant opens in Brixton prison. Cooking doesn't get tougher than this..no really it doesn't

CORRECTIONS
To clarify, we suggested that other woodland creatures were involved in the digging up of graves in Bath. We were not saying the badgers may have had their reasons for grave robbing in our report entitled "it's not all black and white"

Earlier we said the coffee portrait of Victoria Beckham was being reproduced in coffee froth all over the country. It turns out the advert was not for the art but for a tall skinny white latte

Earlier we said that on average thirty six percent of a womans wardrobe was unwearable, this is because of style and size and not because it is the wooden bit

This was not a good week for me....

One liners

The Fifty thousand NHS staff who protested at the Tory conference have now been fined by the government for missing their target of being seen in under 4 hours.

The defence minister dealt with the ex army hecklers so well that he's the surprise host of the next series of Newsjack.... (Sounds increasingly more surprised as the sentence goes on)

Opinions are like Michael Goves new exam system; inconsistent and shouldn't be available to 15 year olds.

JackApps

Yay! Oh yay! Sir Paul McCartney has written to me fifty years after I sent him a letter, now I just have to wait another fifty for Royal Mail to get it to me!

Well yes I would be ashamed to send my son to a private school, he wants be a doctor, and the only way into hospitals these days is if he gets drunk with the rest of his primary school class!

Asda have been roundly criticised for selling a Halloween fancy dress outfit with a fake meat cleaver. Presumably to be used when cutting through their lasagnes.

I'm surprised Lord Mandelson is against capping energy prices, given he's incapable of generating any warmth himself.

Post Office staff are going on strike, again. They're going to have to change the recordings soon. "Picket line number four, please..."

David Cameron is outraged at the use of slave labour in building the Qatar World Cup stadiums. If he'd known about it earlier he could have offered them a few thousand Work Programme participants.

A Chinese man has had a new nose grown upside down in the middle of his forehead. Charlie Sheen is en route to Beijing as we speak, although there may not be space next to the giant penis he already has in place.

Corrections

Last week, we may have may have made reference to UKIP in a way that suggested they were xenophobic bigots. This was an error on our part for which we apologise. We should of course have suggested they were sexist, xenophobic bigots.

We wish to apologise to anyone who was offended by our review of the new Diana film, which we described as "a bit of a car crash". A car crash would of course have more people watching it.

In last week's episode the role of Lindsay Lohan was actually played by Miley Cyrus, and will be for the immediate future.

Really liked that Charlie Sheen one above Andy! Here are a bunch of my 3rd week in a row rejection one liners.

A top Saudi cleric has told women that driving may damage their ovaries. He has also warned that voting causes malaria and leaving the kitchen could cause cancer.

The rail industry plans to bring high-speed mobile broadband to the busiest parts of Britain's rail network which will bring on a whole new meaning to the popular phrase delayed connection.

Slumdog Millionaire actor Irrfan Khan has criticized Bollywood for being unimaginative. Fans who disagree with him have planned a protest through group song and dance.

Racing pundit John McCririck has accused his former employers Channel 4 of age discrimination. Channel 4 is standing by their decision to not cast him as the lead in the new series of Skins.

Yelp has said that a quarter of their reviews are faked. Nobody knows whether they're telling the truth or not.

London Duck boat tours on the River Thames have been halted after a fire. I along with many others don't understand the business concept as ducks are quite capable swimmers by themselves.

A Louisiana pastor has been shot while preaching to his church. Now no one can dispute his claims of being holier than thou.

David Graham, the voice of the Lady Penelope's chauffer in the 1960s Thunderbirds TV show, is set to reprise his role when it returns on ITV. David is said to be delighted to get into bed with the broadcaster as long as his contract has no strings attached.

Bill Gates has admitted control alt delete was a mistake but dismisses calls for him to force quit as nonsense.

David Cameron believes Boris Johnson could return to the House of Commons in 2015 stating the two can make a very good team. Boris is upset as he has had his heart set on hufflepuff for some time.

Tesco have apologised for advertising a blow up gay best friend. A spokesperson has informed the media that it wasn't their idea where the blowhole was placed.

A warning has been issued over legal highs in North Lincolnshire. The Lincolnshire mountain climbers association are prepared to rally against any accusations about their beloved hobby.

A new look Irish passport has been unveiled which now comes with before and after drunk photos for easier identification.

The director of a Hillary Clinton documentary has cancelled the project citing political interference had made it impossible. Bill doesn't have a problem showing his homemade tapes, but Hilary does.

An expert has warned a new feature allowing Facebook users to edit their status updates may result in a lot of so called friendly shit-ups...I mean stitch ups. Margaret I told you not to touch my script.

Quote: Franklin @ October 3 2013, 7:50 PM BST

Racing pundit John McCririck has accused his former employers Channel 4 of age discrimination. Channel 4 is standing by their decision to not cast him as the lead in the new series of Skins.

A warning has been issued over legal highs in North Lincolnshire. The Lincolnshire mountain climbers association are prepared to rally against any accusations about their beloved hobby.

View original

I liked the first one and the idea for the second one but you make the reveal too soon. You should always end with it for example "we shall fight this" said the chairman of the Lincolnshire mountain club - or similar

Quote: blahblah @ October 3 2013, 8:57 PM BST

I liked the first one and the idea for the second one but you make the reveal too soon. You should always end with it for example "we shall fight this" said the chairman of the Lincolnshire mountain club - or similar

View original

Thanks you Blah! Will take this on board for future reference

Did not get to submit this week but here are some from the previous week -

JACKAPP

CALLER: I was amazed to hear Police Chiefs calling for special tanks for drunks. This is ridiculous, I can hardly manage my car when I'm pissed...

CALLER: Hello, Nigel Farage here, are you the mission to Mars people? I would like to book one of your one way trips please - in the name of Godfrey Bloom.

CORRECTIONS

READER: We would like to point out that when we called Godfrey Bloom a 'tosser' earlier in the program we were referring to the old English usage of the phrase meaning one who likes to disturb, agitate or upset... The tosser.

INTRO:
Dolphins apparently get horny if they listen to Radiohead. It starts off with a jovial (DOLPHIN CLICKY NOISES) before a more ambiguous a-a-a-a-a sound, that turns into a hideously pornographic, depraved whining noise. Then, just as it's about to get worse, the dolphins turn up.

INTRO:
The number of cocaine users in the UK has fallen to 300,000, once again demonstrating the catastrophic decline of the financial industry.

VIEW:
Michael Gove has earned himself a well-deserved Teachers' strike. Though if education is underfunded, how are they getting fighter aircraft?

DISGUSTED:
I don't know how that man could possibly have had sex with a Land Rover! When I tried I couldn't even reverse it onto the bed...

INTRO:
After 50 years, Pope John has finally been canonised. Honestly, you need the patience of a saint these days...

VIEW:
I'm ecstatic the US has closed down! I got myself a really cheap Buffalo in the sale!

VIEW:
I'm not sure about George Osborne's plans to freeze fuel until 2015. I'm don't even think cars can run on ice lollies? Can they? CAN THEY?!?

INTRO:
Four actors have been cut from Eastenders. The actors have not taken it at all well; they gone all melodramatic and one even brought their own drumkit.

Dan

0 for 3 so far this series. Here are this week's rejects:

INTRO:

The Big Brother House is opening up as a National Trust property. I had a lovely day out there. Went to the gift shop. Bought a tea towel. I wasn't about to touch any of those surfaces without giving them a wipe down.

JACKAPPS:

Apple and Samsung think they're so great banging on about new smartphone devices that you wear on your wrist. Well, not on my watch.

I really think the National Trust have ignored member's wishes in this decision to open up the Big Brother House. Sexual depravity needs to be kept ancient and aristocratic, the way we like it.

I feel sorry for the Italian runner caught dodging a drug test by siphoning clean urine hidden in a fake penis. I used a similar excuse when I was caught by the fuel pipe of that Ford Mondeo. But that was different - we were in love.

That Saudi Sheikh claiming that women who drive could end up with a rolling up of the pelvis and affected ovaries. Honestly, what a backwards country. I don't want to boast, but my car came with a rolled-up pelvis and ovaries as standard.

That Saudi Sheikh was bang on about the physiological effects of driving on women. My car is an extension of my penis. And whenever women see mine their ovaries shrivel and their pelvises get rolled up and put away.

I got a great idea for a Hallowe'en costume from the news this week. I'm going as a slutty Godfrey Bloom.

CORRECTIONS:

Mistakes are like Justin Bieber sex mannequins. After you make one, you hope your mates never find out.

We should have said that the Turkish Prime Minister's religious reforms will be determined by parliament, and not Turkey's voting for Christmas.

In our report on the British Town Crier championships, we should have said that the organisers would select the subject matter, not that they'd give them something to cry about.

My episode 3 rejects...

Viewsjack / JackApps / NewsViews
I've followed Liam Fox's conference advice to stop apologising for being tory. I joined UKIP.

I've no idea why they're making a fuss about showing famous paintings in schools. When I was at Eton the staffroom was full of old masters.

(elderly) Me an' Ada love the national trust and had a great time at the big brother house, but we don't like this new system of making you do challenges for your tea and biscuits.

I know people are worried about children turning up drunk in A&E but it's so much easier than finding a babysitter.

The War on Drugs isn't working because we're just too soft. In some Middle-Eastern countries if you're caught smoking cannabis you're stoned.

Times have changed. When I was a kid we all had to go to school on foot or on the bus, now 1 in 20 go on a can of energy drink.

I bought some 'Vintage Big Brother' wine at the visitors shop. Lovely drink but the bottle didn't half smell funny.

(male: confident changing to fear) Robbie Fowler was wrong to say 2 footballers were fighting like girls. Girls are much more vicious. I know. I've got two. They scare me... help.

Two fans were shocked to get a reply to a taped message they'd sent The Beatles 50 years ago. Royal Mail apologised, explaining that they can't guarantee such quick delivery.

One Liners (Even if some aren't one line...)
John McCririck claimed that TV appearances as a pantomime villain don't damage his gravitas as a serious journalist. (AUDIENCE: "Oh Yes they do!") Turns out he's wrong.

This week it was reported that many people with foreign-sounding names have had bank accounts closed without explanation. The banks deny that ethnic minorities are being placed on a blacklist.

This week it was revealed that Michael Gove visited an Austrian fat farm. Obviously he misunderstood when Osborne said we all need to tighten our belts and lose a few pounds.

Our earlier report on the Greek far-right should have stated that a member of Golden Dawn was arrested whilst having a shower and not that a member of Dawn was arrested in a compromising position

"Our earlier report on the Greek far-right should have stated that a member of Golden Dawn was arrested whilst having a shower and not that a member of Dawn was arrested in a compromising position."

Thought that was good with a lovely phrase to end on. I would mark this clearly as a correction and resubmit it this week, as they are still in the news.

INTRO
Musicians set to play Carnegie Hall have showed solidarity to the striking stagehands by cancelling their shows. Carnegie Hall is not just famous for music but also comedy, like that old joke. How do you get to Carnegie Hall? Why'd you want to know, scab!?

According to the Office For National Statistics one in five adults in Britain are smokers - well not officially but that's how many of their surveys came back with the corner ripped
off to make a filter

A survey found that eighty four per cent of people hate bad manners - like the manners of the people stopping them in the street to conduct a survey? The same survey also said they hate people with clip boards and illuminous jackets make you look fat

JACK APPS
Hey Cadburys who cares that you can't trademark purple just trademark blue and red and mix them together

It turns out Einstein was successful because his brain was so well connected. It just goes to show it's not what you know it's who you know

I don't know why retired people who start businesses are called grandrepreneurs? At the rate my nana is shrinking they should be called small business women

It's all well and good saying the perfect number of biscuits to have is 2,79, but how can we get the point seven nine? I guess I'll have to round it up. To ten. Twenty. Just give me the packet

If pictures of food make you feel like you've just eaten then when I put pictures of food in my husbands packed lunch instead of - you know- food I'm helping him lose weight and not torturing him. Now if only I can justify all those affairs I have

CORRECTIONS
To clarify, we were not swearing in our report about Liam Foxs three pence expenses claim we said he was taking the P's

Earlier in the show we were discussing the study that links genes to obesity and not claiming people are fat because of the food they buy in our report Its All In The Carrier

Early in the show when we spoke of Miley Cyrus' childhood we were speculating what she may have been called when she was little and not claiming she had any gang associations when we called her Yardy

Earlier in the show we were not claiming the care industry was experiencing a boom. We were reporting on the story that older hedgehogs are looking after younger hedgehogs in our report entitled "spikes in babysitting"

For what it's worth:

ONE LINERS

Tonight we investigate the risk of removing sell-by dates from everyday foods. If a bacon lettuce and tomato sandwich, or BLT, goes bad, it may only stay down for a matter of minutes. By contrast, a bad hairy cornflake, or DLT, could stay down for a very very long time.

In a week where Radio 1's Sara Cox tries a switch to Radio 2 we'll be asking is this a sound move, or if Cox premature emancipation will leave Aunty red in the face. We'd love to hear your views so Tweet using hash-tag DJ Cox trial if you like the idea, or if not, Cox should be pulled.

The shutdown of the US government continues with President Obama having to pull out of a planned trip to Asia. A Spokeswoman said that the president was very disappointed. He'd been looking forward to it for ages as 'Heat of the Moment' is one of his all-time favourite songs.

The Vietnamese people are mourning politician and soldier Vo Nguyen Giap. Whilst he played an important role in defeating the French and the Americans, he will probably be remembered most for founding the successful high street retail chain.

A couple from Winchester have solved the identity riddle surrounding the sitter in their 'Ugly Woman' portrait. Although they are still puzzled why someone would anonymously send them a painting of Kerry Katona.

JACKAPPS

INCREDULOUS MAN: The presidents cup? What sort of prize is that? No cold hard cash? I know there's a recession on but even so... What next... One of Bill Clinton's handkerchiefs? - I suppose it'd still be worth something if there was evidence of his moniker on it.

A BAD TONY BLAIR IMPRESSION: A Muppet phobia? Ridiculous... If she spent... 5 minutes... working with the people I have to work with... she'd be over it pretty damn... sharpish... IN THE BACKGROUND: Er David... Mr Osbourne's here to see you.

SCOTTISH MAN: It's just no fair. Starbucks Drake Hand Guy goes viral with his seduction clip but I send my ex-wife a video of me having a selfie... and all I get is a restraining order.

A VERY POSH MAN: I'd like to complain about that scene in Downton Abbey. It was disgraceful and degrading. That Fellowes fellow should be utterly ashamed of himself. No Under Butler would ever complain when requested to wear gloves.

YOUNG WOMAN: Apparently new research shows stroking your pussy can cause stress. Easy solution. Get a rabbit.

TEENAGER: Sayin the English yoof lag behind in literacy is... is... Woz that say?

UPSET MAN: I want to talk about circumcision... Please don't cut me off.

CORRECTION
Last week we reported that Royal Navy helicopters were being used to fly red squirrels to Tesco... This should of course have been Tresco in the Isles of Scilly... Obviously the squirrels go to Tesco in a car, the same as everybody else.

No e-mail, so I guess these are now "open source"...

One in five children have admitted to being embarrassed at being seen with a book. I didn't think Flanimals was all that bad...

Remember, Spurs fans (to the tune of Yesterday)
"Yiddo day,
All your songs were deemed to be fair play
Now they'll earn you time away
Please refrain, from yiddo day"

In the wake of Barack Obama cancelling his Asia trip, the US has reaffirmed its commitment to the region. They promise to get around to invading and screwing up your countries as soon as they can.

Breaking news: Old man misses a couple of days work with sniffles. All leave cancelled for obituary writers.

Olympic triple-jumper Phillips Idowu has given up the hop, skip and jump in favour of the stop, get out of your car and blow.

The United Nations has announced that the USA has been deducted ten points for going into administration

Skeletons have been found by workers excavating the Crossrail route. They were believed to be waiting for a Central Line train to Ongar.

Starting a new campaign on Kickstarter. By my reckoning at 3p per 100 yards, we can get Liam Fox to the moon for £109,000. Who's in?

120,000 Glastonbury tickets sold in 20 minutes, despite acts not yet being announced. That's a lot of people who are outstanding in the field of gullibility.