All comments gratefully received.

INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY

MOLLIE AND LISA SIT OPPOSITE EACH OTHER DRINKING COFFEE.

MOLLIE
I`m gonna do a “You Tube”.

LISA
Why?

MOLLIE
Because everyone`s doing them, even animals.

LISA
(laughs)
But Sean`s cow mooing backwards was just luck, plus he cheated!

MOLLIE
(shocked)
He didn`t!

LISA
He did!

MOLLIE
Well if Sean can do it, so can I!

LISA
Still not over the break-up Moll?

MOLLIE BITES HER LIP AND LOOKS AT HER COFFEE.

LISA
So what`s your subject?

MOLLIE
(brightening)
Me sleeping.

LISA
Who`d wanna look at that?

MOLLIE
People!

LISA
Weird people!

MOLLIE
I`m OK with weird people. They`d give me a huge hit count!

LISA
For all the wrong reasons.

MOLLIE
(crushed)
Oh. But I was gonna make sleep interesting.

LISA
It`s the sleep bit that`s the problem.

MOLLIE SIPS HER COFFEE.

MOLLIE
No, it`s perfect. I`ll call it “Bedtime at Mollie`s”.

LISA
Oh! It`s for children!

MOLLIE
Are you mad?

LISA
(concerned)
Maybe “You Tube`s” not the place?

MOLLIE
Well, I might keep my PJ`s on!

LISA
That`ll be OK then.

LATER THAT NIGHT

INT. MOLLIE`S BEDROOM - NIGHT

A SMALL BEDSIDE LIGHT ILLUMINATES MOLLIE`S DOUBLE BED.

THE BEDROOM DOOR OPENS.

MOLLIE WADDLES IN DRESSED IN A LARGE CARTOON COW COSTUME. SHE STRUGGLES INTO BED AND GETS COMFY.

MOLLIE
(loudly)
O-O-M!

MOLLIE HOLDS UP SOME CARDBOARD IDIOT BOARDS AND PEELS THEM OFF ONE BY ONE. THEY READ:

“Suck on that Seanie!”

FOLLOWED BY:

“Ha, ha! No special effects, I always was a cheep date!”

FOLLOWED BY:

“No animals were disturbed in the making of this, unlike that other poor cow!”

FOLLOWED BY:

“P.S. I do other animals too!”

MOLLIE SETTLES DOWN AND FALLS ASLEEP.

FADE TO BLACK.

I'm not sure Jude - sorry!

Maybe visually it works better. Can't you film it yourself and put it on You-Tube?

OK - I've read it 2 or 3 times. What about another gag in there?

Hi Dave, that`s OK.

I wanted to try and write some sketches that could be easily filmed.

I`ve got my camera, so I could film it myself, but I need to finish the work I should be doing first.

I liked it Jude... it certainly has your 'stamp'... which is good! But I hate to admit I didn't quite get it.

Is Mollie getting back at a boyfriend (Seanie) who jilted her? If that's the case, why the cow?

Ohhhh... hang on... was he a cow-shagger (as well as 'other animals')?

I like it, Jude - it's typically quirky. Would work well if filmed. Best dust down that cow costume!

Hi Darren and thanks for your comments.

I cut a few lines out (probably the better bits lol), so I agree it`s not as clear as it should he.

Sean had a success with his cow mooing backwards clip on "You Tube". Except the cow wasn`t a natural and Sean had to use a special effect.

Mollie is getting back at her ex by doing her own version of his successful clip, but without the special effects.

Lol, there`s also an element of the cow-shagging and other animals, but I was trying to down play that bit!

Quote: Fred Peters @ July 7, 2007, 1:54 PM

I like it, Jude - it's typically quirky. Would work well if filmed. Best dust down that cow costume!

View original

Thanks Fred, I will. I`ve always been one for a bit of a dress up!

Jude again I liked this very much. You have a gentle comedy aproach. I always smile when I read your stuff. I love your style of writing.
I dont think you need to throw jokes in everywhere. This sketch is very visual, as is most of your work. Keep them coming.

I got the references to the cow etc. but as I say it needs one laugh out loud I think - ask Charley for one.

Thanks Charley and lol Dave.

Mmmmm ... I had all sorts of naughty thoughts at the beginning but they'd all fallen apart by the end!!! Not saying I didn't 'like' it ... it's just it didn't kinda go anywhere for me. Could've been more (uhm) interesting I think ... and funnier too, as I think you are as demonstrated in earlier posts.

ps. I'm not really a perv ... I just sound like one sometimes!

Quote: losaavedra @ July 7, 2007, 5:22 PM

ps. I'm not really a perv ... I just sound like one sometimes!

View original

Don't we all. It's just the way our quotes get misread (good excuse)

Thanks for your comments Losaavedra.

I`m going to beef it up a bit the second time around. I agree, it needs to be a bit more interesting and funnier and I`ll have to try and get those " naughty thoughts" running right through to the end.

Lol, it`s OK, I don`t think you`re a perv.

You obviously don't know him!

Anyway Jude - that's what I've done a couple of timnes. Got the story down and then coloured it up later.

Same as most of the others have said for me too Jude

Didn't really do much for me though I got the idea all right. I just think it needs a few laughs in there.

Yep that sketch is right up my street!! Nice one!!

I don't think all sketches need 'a gag every three seconds' to be OK, some sketches have no 'gags' or 'punchlines' but are just fulfilling to watch because of what they are saying and the way they are saying it. This is one of those. I wouldn't change it.

Frankie xxx