INT. FARMHOUSE KITCHEN - DAY
ECCENTRIC FARMERS BETTY AND MAVIS, BOTH IN THEIR LATE FIFTIES, SIT IN A COSY FARMHOUSE KITCHEN HAVING A MUG OF TEA.
BETTY
My cow can`t moo!
MAVIS
Why not?
BETTY
No idea.
MAVIS
Has it ever?
BETTY
It may have slipped one in when I wasn`t looking.
MAVIS
Could it be a sneaky cow?
BETTY
I`d never thought of that.
MAVIS
Is there anything else it can`t do?
BETTY
It doesn`t seem to sleep.
MAVIS
Why not?
BETTY
No idea.
MAVIS
Has it ever?
BETTY
Well, it may have had a crafty nap when I wasn`t looking.
MAVIS
Anything else?
BETTY
I think that`s it. No, there is something else. It doesn`t seem interested in sex.
MAVIS
Why not?
BETTY
No idea.
MAVIS
Has it ever?
BETTY
I suppose it could be having a bit of a fumble behind my back.
MAVIS
Anything else?
BETTY
My pig can`t oink!
MAVIS
I don`t think pigs actually oink, but they make a similar sound.
Perhaps I should take a look?
BETTY
If you think it`s necessary.
BETTY AND MAVIS WALK OUT OF THE KITCHEN.
EXT. YARD - DAY
BETTY AND MAVIS SCUTTLE ACROSS THE YARD TO THE PIG PEN.
EXT. PIG PEN - DAY
A PIG LIES ON ITS SIDE.
BETTY
Oh, I nearly forgot, it doesn`t move either.
MAVIS
Clearly.
BETTY
Do you think it gets up and runs around a bit, then puts a trotter up at me when I`m not looking?
MAVIS
No! Definitely not!
BETTY
(deflated)
Oh. Well, I have a sneaky cow, maybe this pig`s just the same?
MAVIS
I don`t think so.
BETTY
Oh?
MAVIS
This pig is actually dead.
BETTY
(sadly)
Oh dear and we were getting on so well. I think we should wait for bit though, see if it perks up.
MAVIS
As you wish.
2 HOURS LATER
BETTY AND MAVIS ARE LOOKING BORED AND FED UP.
MAVIS
Satisfied?
BETTY
Well, OK, but I think you`re being a bit hasty.
AS BETTY AND MAVIS TURN AND BEGIN TO WALK AWAY, BETTY BEGINS TO CRY. MAVIS SLIPS AN ARM AROUND BETTY`S SHOULDERS.
EXT. PIG PEN - DAY
THE PIG SMILES AND STUFFS A TROTTER UP AT MAVIS AND BETTY`S DISAPPEARING BACKS.
