Hey guys, this is my first ever ever ever go at a sketch. I really liked the idea behind it but i don't know if it worked. Anyway...critique away!

OFFICE SCENE- DAY

Paul and Jessica are having a secret relationship and due to the strict “no relationships at work rule” they have to keep things under wraps so that the other staff don’t guess what’s going on.

Paul and Jessica arrange via work emails to meet at the fax machine after a lovers tiff they had last night about sex.

FAX MACHINE IN OFFICE

PAUL: Hello Jessica

JESSICA: (stiffly) Oh hello Paul. I see you want to use the fax machine? Do you mind if I have a go first? Even though you normally insist your faxing is more important than mine.

PAUL: Not at all… go ahead (sarcastically)

Jessica continues to use the fax machine

PAUL: So…you planning on faxing something later?

JESSICA: Maybe, depends if I have time.(Flirtily)

PAUL: What happens if that fax is an especially good one and sorry for all the faxing problems it’s caused lately.

JESSICA: Well maybe if that fax machine didn’t keep breaking down during a fax then there wouldn’t be a problem would there?

Paul glares at Jessica as someone walks past with a coffee.

PAUL: Well if the fax machine was actually sending a good fax and it was worth looking at then the fax machine might work properly.

JESSICA: What do you mean worth looking at?

A good looking female colleague of the pair comes and stands waiting for the fax machine by them…they nod hello.

PAUL: Oh nothing (airily) Just sometimes the fax needs a bit of trimming and tightening up if you know what I mean. I’m sure there’s another fax machine that works better around here. I’ll see if I can find one, see you Jessica.

PAUL winks at the attractive colleague and walks off

THE FAX MACHINE BREAKS DOWN

JESSICA to colleague: Bloody fax machines.

END

Not sure when i'll next be online due to lack of access to internet but please leave feedback...

Yes - very good. I liked it.

Hi Ellie

I like it but it's a bit close to real-life and/or a scene in a longer sitcom. I think you need to exaggerate a bit more for the purposes of a sketch. Big up each one-liner so it gets a laugh and is maybe a bit more ridiculous and then add a bigger finish. It's funny but would be funnier if she continued on to do something to it that she wants to do to him (smash the fax machine up or chop it's cable angrily with garden shears -- that kind of thing)

Hope this helps

Dan

Hi Ellie, I liked it too

It`s very good for a first sketch and I look forward to reading more.

I second Jude.
I once tried to fax a tampon to a friend who needed one.

Ellie well done.

I liked that.... I liked that a lot

Very good for a first sketch. Good punchline. Well done. I third Jude.

Quote: charley rance @ May 30, 2007, 2:58 PM

I second Jude.
I once tried to fax a tampon to a friend who needed one.

Ellie well done.

View original

Did it work?

I suppose if she'd (I'm guessing it was a girl) filled her fax machine up with tissue paper it may have almost worked.

David I was very young and ignorant. My friend and I were both on Work experience in offices. She rang me to tell me she needed corking, so i dutifully tried to help. It did not work. Just a picture arrived with a squashed looking pic of it. Knowing my mate though she probably used the paper it came on.

I'm really glad you told me that. Is she still a friend?

I liked it. The bitter dialogue worked well.
On a stylistic point, the initial pre-amble is useful for the reader to help us get a handle on things, but the viewer/listener isn't going to get any of this, so it would help to try to establish their secret relationship in another way as part of the script directions or dialogue - it doesn't need much, e.g.looking over their shoulders at the fax machine, or a bit of dialogue about "last night" (or both).
Good stuff though.

I agree. Let's see some more Ellie.

Awww you guys!! Thanks so much for all your feeback and i totally agree with what you said...about it being good! Nah really i've taken it all on board... just wait for another one in another 3 months! hehe

p.s you will not believe how nervous i was posting that! I couldn't see what you'd written till today either so i was sooooo nervous when i clicked on here.

But is your today tommorrow? Because if it is we might not have written it before you'd read it.

Let's see some more.