Nice ones and congratulations to... REG N for winning! Do get handsomely rat-arsed, have 10 points and PM me for next week's subject please.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name

5 - 10 - Reg N
2 - 5 - Alex Mahon, Steve Sunshine, Kasm
1 - 1 - Angiebaby, Michael Monkhouse, Ishy
Honourable mention: James, Otterfox

Your new subject: CELEBRITY
Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sex or inside leg measurement, except the kid who used to beat me up at school.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 10.11.10

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

156! - Mr Sunshine
136 - Otterfox
133 - Cool Mikado
125 - Kasm
117 - Nigel Kelly
112 - Chris Forshaw
108 - Frankie Rage
105 - Michael Monkhouse
103 - Charley Rance
98 - Fred Peters
94 - Timbo
70 - Angiebaby
66 - Jude
65 - Baumski
55 - Scratchyr, Gerry McDonnell
39 - Alex Mahon
37 - Afinkawan
32 - Swerytd, Paul Watson
28 - Leevil
26 - David Chapman
25 - Craig H
23 - Roscoff
22 - Blobster
21 - Ishy, Mikey J
20 - Bushbaby, James Harris, Kevin Murphy, Dannyjb1, Niteowl, Lazzard
18 - Tom
17 - Ellie
16 - Eggie
15 - Nil Putters, Cinnamon, Dale
13 - Reg N
12 - Geoff Mutton, Badge, Will Cam
11 - Steven
10 - Stephen Goodlad, Robo, Nitram Skir, Socrates, Tom Campbell, Tommy Power, Waring
09 - ajp29, ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - Stephen Birch, The Giggle-O, James, garyd, Winterlight
06 - Little Jersey Devil, Hellboy, Wayne Lewis, John Kelly, Andrew Lynch
05 - Karlos the Great, Drew, Pedros, Summer G, Mannikin Bird, Tumble, Greggles, Happy Shopper, Timothy Marshal-Nichols, Rob B
04 - Andy W, losaavedra
02 - Stu R, Imamazed, Slack Bladder, Paul Nash, Boits, Gavin
01 - Ming The Mirthless, Minty, Shpadoinkle, Shaggy292, amillionpounds, Jake How, David Bussell, Charisma, Skibbington von Skubber, Ginger Jesus, Nick Rivers, Daddy Maz, Martin Bickle, Batman, Ray Dawson, Marion, Tooting Jo

Any ballsups, PM me please.

INT.NIGHT. TOP DINING-THEATRE/NIGHT SPOT.

LEON IS IN THE GENTS, LEAKING ONE OUT.

ENTER ROBBIE WILLIAMS. HE STANDS NEXT TO LEON AT THE URINAL.

LEON: You're him, aincha?

R.W., WITH A BIG GRIN: I'm who?

LEON, WITH AWE AND ADORATION: You're Robbie. Bloody hell, I don't believe it.
Me an' you sharing the same pisser! I've bin a fan a yours since, like, well, always.

R.W.: Cheers, mate. Thanks.

LEON: I know this is asking a bit much, but could you do me a favour?

R.W.: My name's Robbie, NOT George!

LEON: Yeah, I know that, I don't mean 'that' sorta favour. I'm with
this right nifty lady. Couldya just come to me table an say hello, like.
It'll impress the G.string right off her. Know what I mean?

R.W.: I'll see what I can do - no promises, mind you.

LEON: You're brilliant. If you can do it, great. If you can't fit it in
it's not the end of the world. I'm dead chuffed just to have met you.

CUT TO:
R.W. MID-ACT. HE STROLLS ACCROSS THE STAGE, DOWN THE SIDE STAIRWAY AND
WALKS OVER TO THE TABLE WHERE LEON'S SITTING WITH HIS 'NIFTYNESS':
Evening, mate. How you doing?

LEON. COOL. RESERVED: Aaah, f**k off Robbie, can't you see I got company.

Oscar's Wild

Outside a THEATRE, a very gay OSCAR WILDE exits and is accosted by a gayer REPORTER:

REPORTER Mr Wilde, I'm the Raving Poofter Reporter from the Poncey Periodical, I'd like to discuss your latest play.

OSCAR Of course my good man, which I pray is a mere moniker.

REPORTER (laughs) Oh Oscar, you are a tonic. Your work is bittersweet...

OSCAR And a 'bit o' sweet' is a sure way to incite an infant.

REPORTER Priceless... A bittersweet comedy of manners...

OSCAR And a 'man is' precisely what I'd love to enjoy in the dressing room before the show.

REPORTER Oh do stop... Yet one critic was less than generous...

OSCAR He can f**k right off.

REPORTER What did you just say?

OSCAR Nothing.

REPORTER You just said he could f**k right off didn't you.

OSCAR No... 'Less'n generous'? Harrumph! A 'generous lesson' is surely what that blackguard requires and... I'm the guy who can - give it. To him.

REPORTER That was awful.

OSCAR Well it ain't easy being me, I gotta think of all these witty clever quips all the time, I'm getting f**ked off with it. 'Anything to declare, Oscar?' 'Yeah three tons of cocaine plus a wad of illegal gay porn,' stupid friggin' question innit? 'Sir, you are drunk' - 'Piss off you stupid cow'. 'Your latest work fails to illuminate', 'Well I'll illuminate you mate, I'll shove a stick of dynamite up your jacksie, light that up you silly c-'

REPORTER Oscar, really!

OSCAR I just can't be arsed - and don't say it - I can't be f**ked any more - don't even think about it - this is me Oscar Wilde off for a beer and a fag and a tranny, good night and kiss my anus.

(leaves)

REPORTER Good Lord... Well I'd better start writing the article. (starts to leave) 'Mr Wilde was a simply charming fellow, full of his usual sparkle and joy...'

H h h hello
Do I know
you
I've seen your face before
I think it was on
The post office door.
"Have you seen this man?"
I have. Black hair, Egyptian tan
You're wanted for seven murders
Don't come any furder
I used to do Kung Fu
I'll soon dispose of you
You're only six foot eight
If you could just wait
While I defecate
Then I'll have you
I'll turn you in
Get a reward and wear a grin
You're famous like the grouse
Diet coke or Mickey Mouse
Look, I tell you what - let's be mates
You don't really want to murder eight
That would be going a little far
You're already a superstar
So come on matey, lose the frown
Put the f**king machete down
Let's have a drink, let's have a fag
Don't put me in your duffle bag
Let me read you a poem now
OK OK don't have a cow!
Poetry's not everyone's cup of tea
We'll try something else, you'll see
Say, have you got a nickname skipper?
Like The Black Panther or the Yorkshire Ripper
I know - you killed seven right?
Well, you could be called Snow White
ALL RIGHT ALL RIGHT, calm down my son
I'll try to think of another one.
Meantime why don't you have a little nap
If the cops come I'll give you a tap
Wake you so you can get away
Live to kill another day
I'm glad we chatted, Slayer of Seven
Don't suppose we'll meet in Heaven
I don't believe in it anyway
But you'd be going the other way
Catch you later, ciao, adios
So nice to meet you boss
See you again soon I hope
(Like when Jimmy Carr becomes the Pope!)

A while ago I posted a sketch about a washed up quiz show host called Ted Burnum. You've all been waiting for it so finally, here it is: the sequel.

1 INT: OFF LICENSE. DAY.

TED BURNAM enters, he is in an old-fashioned, worn suit, has grey hair, a moustache, some stubble and dirt on his face. He carries a plastic shopping bag in one hand. He grabs a bottle of whisky, moves clumsily to the counter and drops a lot of change on the counter.

SHOPKEEPER
I'm sorry sir, that's not enough.

TED BURNUM
What?

SHOPKEEPER
You can't afford that bottle.

TED BURNUM
I jus-I just want the whisky, you can keep the bottle. I brought my own.

TED BURNUM pulls out a plastic milk bottle, filled with a yellow liquid.

TED BURNUM
Wait, that one's piss.

TED places an empty milk bottle on the counter.

TED BURNUM
Here

SHOPKEEPER
I'm sorry sir, I can't sell you the whisky for any less than the marked price.

TED BURNUM
Don't you-Don't you know who I am?

SHOPKEEPER
Em...

TED BURNUM
I'm Ted Burnum. TED BURNUM!! I could have bought and sold you and your whis- (hiccup) whisky.

SHOPKEEPER
I'm sorry sir--

TED BURNUM
Welcome to Quizmasters! Tonights star prize is my fist up your ass!

TED BURNUM swings at the SHOPKEEPER but misses and ends up just slumped over the counter. His bottle of piss gets knocked over and starts spilling on him.
Shopkeeper puts bottle upright and comes around to the other side of the counter and tries to help TED BURNUM up.

SHOPKEEPER
Come on sir, I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

TED BURNUM clings to SHOPKEEPERS apron

TED BURNUM
(crying)
I had it all. Have you ever sniffed coke off a sixteen year-olds naked ass?

SHOPKEEPER ushers him towards the door.

SHOPKEEPER
Come on sir.

TED BURNUM
I have! And what a body that Fernando had.

SHOPKEEPER gets TED to door and ushers him out. TED BURNUM sings as this is happening.

TED BURNUM
There was something in the air that night, your thighs so tight, Fernando.

TED BURNUM falls to the ground outside and looks back in the glass storefront at the SHOPKEEPER.

TED BURNUM
(shouts, muffled by glass)
I'm Ted Burnum. TED BURNUM!!

1. INT INSIDE A HOSPITAL. A WOMAN IS LYING IN BED ATTACHED TO VARIOUS MONITORS. SHE STARTS TO STIR AND CALLS WEAKLY FOR A NURSE. WHEN NO-ONE COMES SHE CLUMSILY GETS OUT OF THE BED. THE HOSPITAL SEEMS EMPTY AS SHE WALK ABOUT.

WOMAN:
Nurse, nurse. Please anyone. So thirsty.

SHE STAGGERS DOWN A CORRIDOR AND FINDS A COMMUNAL TV ROOM. PEOPLE ARE SLUMPED IN THE CHAIRS AND THE TV IS OFF.

WOMAN:
Oh my God. Please anyone, help me.

A NURSE COMES OUT OF AN OFFICE

NURSE:
Oh hello dear. Please, keep the noise down you'll wake everyone up.

WOMAN:
I thought they were (beat)

NURSE:
Dead? Oh goodness me no, although some days death would at least add a bit of interest. Since you know what.

WOMAN:
I don't know what.

NURSE:
Oh, of course, you're the coma lady from room 3. You were in a car crash. Been out cold for six months. You won't know about (beat) you know, you know what. Come on. Sit down.

THE WOMAN TAKES A SEAT SHOCKED

NURSE:
There's been a virus. The scientists think it started on that celebrity jungle show. One of the contestants got bitten when he tried to arm wrestle a chimp. It was carrying something that must have mutated.

WOMAN:
What happened?

NURSE:
The virus was lethal, but only to celebrities. It wiped out the contestants and the presenters. Most of the crew were ok, but then it spread. Actors, TV stars, sports stars even minor soap stars. All wiped out.

WOMAN:
Emmerdale?

NURSE:
I'm so sorry.

WOMAN:
It can't be true. It just can't be.

THE NURSE SOLEMNLY HOLDS UP A COUPLE OF GLOSSY MAGAZINES WITH BLANK PAGES. THEY'VE GOT 'NOT OK' AND 'GOODBYE' WRITTEN ON THEM.

NURSE:
Cereal boxes started having telephoto lenses inside them. We've not had a new supermarket opened since it happened. And the papers don't even bother trying to hide their made up stories anymore.

NURSE HOLDS UP A COPY OF THE NEWS OF THE WORLD

NURSE: (READING FROM PAPER)
Prince Charmless and the Ugly Sister. Did he slipper one? Cinderella in tears after exclusive revelations.

WOMAN:
What about TV?

NURSE:
Repeats. Most people just muddle through. Nothing to get excited about anymore. Anyone who stands out from the crowd gets taken by the virus.

THE WOMAN STARTS TO CRY

NURSE:
Come on dear. It's not that bad.

WOMAN:
Not that bad? I'm a freelance feature writer for Heat.

NURSE:
Oh, I see. Err, let me make you a nice cup of tea.

FADE

2. INT TV ROOM. NURSE RETURNS BUT THE WOMAN ISN'T THERE. SHE LOOKS AROUND AND SEES HER CLIMBING OUT OF THE WINDOW.

NURSE:
WAIT. Please, don't.

WOMAN:
It's no use trying to stop me.

NURSE:
I'm not. I just to want to wake this lot up first. Most exciting thing they'll have seen in months.

INCEPTION - Alternate Ending...

INT. AIRPORT. DAY

Leonardo Di Caprio is dressed in a smart suit, standing next to the baggage conveyer belt, waiting for luggage. Soon after his luggage arrives he takes his bag and heads toward the arrival lounge.

INT. ARRIVAL LOUNGE. AIRPORT. DAY.

As Di Caprio is walking through the arrival lounge, he is greeted by Sir Michael Caine.

CUT TO

INT. HOUSE. DAY.

Sir Michael Caine enters a house, followed by Leo Di Caprio. Sir Caine walks toward the patio door and opens it to reveal the garden. Just at the bottom of the garden we see two little children sat next to each other, a boy and a girl.

SIR MICHAEL CAINE (To Children)
Look who's here.

The children look around and see Leo Di Caprio and become excited.

CHILDREN
Daddy!

Leo Di Caprio is visually happy and before he walks out to embrace his children, he places a spintop on the table. Leo then walks out to the garden and hugs his children.

CUT BACK TO:-

Spintop on table.

The spintop is still spinning on the table....(is he still dreaming?)

CUT TO

INT. BEDROOM. DAY

Leonardo Di Caprio is awoken by water splashing on his face.

DI CAPRIO
What the f**k man?!

JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT
C'mon man, we're gonna be late for work! Jesus is the TV loud enough for you?

Gordon-Levitt picks up the remote and switches off the TV (the movie playing was The Matrix)

Leo Di Caprio sits up on his bed and ponders for a moment. He has longer hair and a scruffy beard, plus he looks about 14 stone of mainly fat.

DI CAPRIO
Where am I?

GORDON-LEVITT
What do you mean? You're in your bedroom you dick.

DI CAPRIO
Did we do it, did we save Watanabe, did we get Cillian Murphy to change his mind about his business??

GORDON-LEVITT
What the f**k are you talking about man?

DI CAPRIO
I think I'm still under. What is my job?

GORDON-LEVITT
Oh not this again! You're a store manager at McDonalds, remember.

DI CAPRIO
I'm serious!

GORDON-LEVITT
I am being serious! And if you don't get a move on we're gonna be late, again!

DI CAPRIO
No, I know I'm not. I'm an information extractor!

GORDON-LEVITT
A what?

DI CAPRIO
You are too, and Michael Caine, my father, he is too, in fact, he taught me.

GORDON-LEVITT
What? Michael Caine, the actor, is your father?

DI CAPRIO
I know what you're trying to do. You're probably just a projection of someone else mind trying to trick me into thinking I'm insane!

GORSON-LEVITT
Hmm, do you really want me to answer that?

At that moment Di Caprio picks up a blade on his bedside table and holds it over his left wrist.

GORDON-LEVITT
What the f**k are you doing Leo?

DI CAPRIO
If I kill myself in this dream, I'll wake up, wake up in reality.

GORDON-LEVITT
You are in reality you f**king idiot! Now stop this! Please! You've had too much acid, again. And you've woken from a sleep, a deep sleep. This happens every weekend, remember? And we have to go through the same deal over and over again.

DI CAPRIO
What deal? What are you talking about?

GORDON-LEVITT
Every week you get high on drugs and start having hallucinogenic episodes and memory loss and even delusional thoughts.

DI CAPRIO
I'm not delusional, watch.

At that moment Di Caprio begins to cut himself and draws some blood.

DI CAPRIO
Arrrgh! F**k, that hurts. Why haven't I woken up? I must be heavily sedated.

GORSON-LEVITT
You are awake; you just don't know it yet!

DI CAPRIO
No! None of this is real, you, me, this room, this blood. This is not my reality!

GORDON-LEVITT
Ok, I'll tell you what you're reality is. Every week, since Titanic flopped and Kate Winslet turned you down you never made a movie again.

DI CAPRIO (PLACES HANDS OVER EARS)
No, stop it!

GORDON-LEVITT
No I won't stop, I'm sick of this! After that you turned to drugs and alcohol and never made a movie again. Sure you've had your cameos but since Basketball Diaries you've never been involved in anything decent. It's time to accept you're never gonna be an actor!

DI CAPRIO
No! That's not true! I am an intelligent extractor, I can read thoughts!

GORDON-LEVITT
Oh ok, so this week you're a mind reader. Last week, you were a cop set in the fifties investigating a missing person in a mental hospital on some Island! The week before that you were a soldier in some Middle Eastern country on the hunt for a well know terrorist. And you even thought Russel Crowe was your boss!!! And don't get me started on the time when you thought were a sophisticated con man being chased through America and Europe by non-other than Tom Hanks!!!

DI CAPRIO
But wait. Those things did happen!

GORDON-LEVITT
NO, they didn't! Because they're all just f**king Tom Cruise movies. You've been obsessed with him for years. You said so yourself you always wanted to be like him!

DI CAPRIO
Shit! I think I'm starting to remember now. Can I get a bandage?

Gordon-Levitt hands over a bandage to Di Caprio who proceeds to wrap up his wound.

DI CAPRIO
So, I'm not an actor, huh?

GORDON-LEVITT
No. But, you're one of the best God dam burger flippers I ever saw!

DI CAPRIO
Hey, I was taught by the best!

DI CAPRIO AND GORDON -LEVITT share a laugh.

GORDON-LEVITT
C'mon, go shave and a take shower, you wreak of shit man!

Gordon-Levitt stands and helps Di Caprio to his feat and walks him to his bathroom.

DI CAPRIO
Man, what a dream. Yeah, I'm starting to remember now. You're an aspiring actor too right?

GORDON-LEVITT
Yeah, but, I never really did anything since Third Rock. The opportunities just never came. I almost got the part for 500 days of Summer though, remember?

DI CAPRIO
Yeah, I do. But didn't you lose out to Shia Lebeouf.

GORDON-LEVITT
Yeah, I did. He's so awesome though. Transformers are really great movies.

Gordon-Levitt and Di Caprio enter the bathroom.

The camera slowly pans out to reveal a spintop on the table, which continues to spin..............

THE END

(AMERICAN)NEWS PRESENTER:

The town of Franklinston in the deep south has gain celebrity status over the last few days after a raft of UFO activity has been reported. We now go live to our field reporter Steve Pap who has a chief witness with him. Steve...

CUT TO LOCATION:

STEVE:

Thanks Burt. I'm here with Chip Boiner who claims to have seen the mysterious crafts on almost two occasions. Chip can you tell us what you saw?

CHIP:

Sure will, there were no lights. It was silent Flying saucers that would hoover.

STEVE:

Don't you mean hover?

CHIP:

Yes. They did both.

STEVE:

What did you see then?

CHIP:

I saw you coming up the driveway, all the cameras came out and then I saw a sort of you type person that I'm pretty sure was you.

STEVE:

What did you see in relation to the craft?

CHIP:

Well it didn't have no relations. There was only one of them. I was outside in the barn when I saw a big ball of light, after I'd flicked on the light switch.

All of a sudden I heard nothing coming from the sky so I turned around to have a look. I tilted my head upwards, my eyes soon followed and I was looking skywards and that's when I saw it; a plate in the shape of a saucer.

I mean I couldn't believe it, up in the air.... I jumped to get a slightly better look and I...I never came back down.

STEVE:

You were hovering?

CHIP:

No I was in the barn. I aint never hoovered a barn. You aint got none much of a brain if you don't mind me saying. Why would I hoover my barn? I was floating. You see I was walking but the ground was not meetin' my feet. It was got to do with them saucers.

STEVE:

What happened then?

CHIP:

Then my mind went blank.

STEVE:

Then ....your mind went blank. Your mind only went blank then?

CHIP:

Yes sir. Then I woke up and all you folk were standing around me.

STEVE:

But you never passed out. You were standing on your front porch when we pulled up.

CHIP:

[BEAT]Which event are you talking about again? I mean I'm 39 years old. Literally tens of things have happened to me in my life.

STEVE:

I'm talking about the UFO'S which you claim to have seen tonight.

CHIP:

I aint seen none of them sir. I aint never seen them UFO's. I was minding my own business, floating around my farm when you lot showed up. I swear I aint seen nothing...I mean I have seen some stuff; trees, biscuits, oranges, I once saw my cat bite a mans tooth but no UFO's, now can ya'll just leave me alone!!

STEVE:

Well this looks like a very costly interview wasted, back to you in the studio.

WE CUT BACK TO STUDIO BUT CAN STILL HEAR FEED FROM LOCATION.

CHIP:

The only thing I did see was those flying saucers.

END.

Celebrity

'CELEBRITY JOKER' - A FIVE-MINUTE SLOT FILLER. CELEBRITIES RUSH ON, TELL A JOKE, THEN RUSH OFF. THE SHOW IS ALMOST FINISHED.

DANNY BAKER:
What's the difference between Woody-Wood pecker and Pinnochio? One pecks wood and the other has a wooden pecker.

HE RUSHES OFF. COLIN FIRTH RUSHES ON.

COLIN FIRTH:
What's got big ears and flies? Prince Charles in an aeroplane.

HE RUSHES OFF. SPONGEBOB RUSHES ON.

SPONGEBOB:
I was

A MAN IN SUNGLASSES WALKS INTO A RESTAURANT THE WAITRESS TAKES HIS COAT & SHOWS HIM TO A TABLE.
FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM WE SEE A WAITER STARING.
AS ANOTHER WAITER APPROACHES.

Waiter 2:
What's going on

Waiter 1:
Look I mean don't look but look over there table 3

Waiter 2:
Oh hold on... is that..

Waiter 1:
Definitely

Waiter 2:
Well I never.

A WAITRESS APPROACHES

Waitress 1:
What are you two gawping at? Have we got someone interesting in?

Waiter 1:
Over there table 3

Waitress 1:
Oh is that...

Waiter 2:
Yup!

Waitress 1:
It can't be

Waiter 1:
It is! He's just arrived.

Waitress 1:
Who'd have thought it. No I don't believe it ... is it?

ANOTHER WAITRESS APPROACHES

Waitress 2:
Have you seen who's at table 3

Waiter 1:
Yeah we know.

Waitress 1:
I'm not sure it's really him.

Waitress 2:
Oh it's definitely him I swear on my life.

Waiter 1:
I bet Luigi will want to come out in person.

Waiter 2:
I'll just go get him.

Waitress 2:
I'm glad I came in tonight now. I wasn't feeling to well early

THE MANAGER LUIGI APPROACHES:

Luigi:
Which table?

Waiter 1:
Table 3 boss.

WE SEE LUIGI APPROACH THE TABLE AND THEN START TO SENSLESSLY BEAT THE CUSTOMER WITH A BASEBALL BAT
ANOTHER WAITER APPROACHES AS THE THUDDING & SCREAMING CONTINUES

Waiter 3:
Who's Luigi beating up on 3?

Waiter 1:
To be honest I don't know his name.

Waiter 2:
But he did complain about the Fish once.

INT - BOOK STORE. KATIE PRICE (KP) IS SEATED BEHIND A DESK HAWKING HER LATEST 'BOOK'. THERE ARE HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE QUEUING, ALL OF WHOM ARE HOPING TO CATCH A MINUTE WITH THE GREAT WOMAN HERSELF.

KP THANKS A WOMAN AS SHE WALKS OFF. KEVIN, A MIDDLE AGED MAN APPROACHES KP AT DESK. HE IS WEARING A RED CAGOULE. IT IS ZIPPED UP AS HIGH AS IT WILL GO. HE IS SWEATING PROFUSELY

KP:
You alright?

BEAT

KEVIN IS NERVOUS

KEVIN:
Met you before

KP:
Yeah?

KEVIN:
You were pissin' in street

KP:
I don't think -

KEVIN:
You were. You were really squeezing hard. You were biting your lip as you heaved it out

KP:
No, no, no... (SHAKING HER HEAD)

KEVIN:
It was you, I know it was you, II recognized your arse.

BEAT

And your fanny

KP:
(Whispering to self) Pete?

KEVIN:
You were squeezing like mad. And you were being sick too.

KP:
That really wasn't -

KEVIN:
- And eating a pizza. Pissing, and being sick, and eating a pizza?

A LOOK OF REALISATION COMES OVER KATTIE'S FACE

BEAT

KEVIN:
You looked beautiful

BEAT

Horses are beautiful.

KP:
I love horses

KEVIN:
They've got big c*cks haven't they?

KP:
I've never really -

KEVIN:
I've got one

KP:
A -

KEVIN:
- A horse.

KP:
Yeah? What's it like?

KEVIN:
Got a big c*ck

KP CHANGING SUBJECT SHE POINTS TO BOOK KEVIN IS HOLDING

KP:
You want me to sign that?

KEVIN:
It's name's Peter.

BEAT

Horse is called Katie. After you. I love riding Katie. Katie's got a big c*ck

KP SMILES BUT IS CLEARLY PETRIFIED. SHE TAKES THE BOOK FROM HIM. IT'S KATIE'S LATEST BOOK ENTITLED 'I ACTUALLY WROTE THIS ONE'

KP:
Want a special message on it?

KEVIN:
Please baby. Could you write...

KEVIN TAKES OUT A PIECE OF PAPER HE HAS TAKEN THE TROUBLE TOP WRITE EARLIER. HE READS IT ALOUD. THE PAPER OBSCURES HIS FACE AS HE READS

KEVIN #cont:
Kevin, I can't to wait to feel your colossal c*ck on my t*ts. Love Katie, kiss, kiss.

HE STOPS READING. KATIE LOOKS HORRIFIED. KEVIN TURNS OVER PAPER AND ATTEMPTS TO READ MORE

KATIE:
I can't write that!

KEVIN:
Why not?

KP:
Can't spell t*ts

END

EXT. HOLLYWOOD WALK OF FAME.

A CROWD OF PEOPLE AND PAPARAZZI ARE GATHERED.

MC:
Today is an extraordinary day for the Walk Of Fame. For the first time ever we dedicate a star to an actor in the adult entertainment industry.... She's the architect of anal, the whore of the Hershey Highway, the baroness of the balloon knot. It's Ass Gaping Anna.

ASS GAPING ANNA:
Thank you soooo much, I'm in your eternal debt to be the first ever person on The Walk Of Fame to receive a...

ANNA REMOVES A CLOTH WHICH IS COVERING NEW STAR ON THE SIDEWALK.

.... brown star.

FX APPLAUSE/ CAMERA FLASHES.

Otterfox bent the 'celebrity' requirement to suit his contribution, however,it made me laugh all the way through and gets my vote.

Quote: Stephen Birch @ November 11 2010, 8:25 AM GMT

Otterfox bent the 'celebrity' requirement to suit his contribution, however,it made me laugh all the way through and gets my vote.

View original

Better than recycling old jokes and posting them as his own.

Damn!

I lost half the sketch when I edited. Never mind. Anyway, tough-tough-tough decision to make.

My vote goes to MICHAEL MONKHOUSE.