As I mentioned previously, in the first instalment - https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/1795 - that they may be back. Here they are.
Hope you enjoy
Dan
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Life & Death in ‘The Incident’
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INT. BUSY LITTLE VILLAGE COFFEE SHOP. NOON.
DEATH WALKS IN. LIFE IS SAT AT A TABLE IN THE MIDDLE. HE SPOTS DEATH AND SHOUTS EXCITEDLY.
LIFE
Alright Death!
DEATH
Hey Life! Not seen you for a while.
LIFE
How long's it been?
DEATH
I think the last time was... erm... 'The Incident'
LIFE
Don't remind me. (GETS ANGRY) I'm still pissed off about that one.
LIFE SLAMS HIS STAFF DOWN. A PREGNANT WOMAN BEHIND HIM IMMEDIATELY STARTS BREATHING HARD AND GOES INTO LABOUR.
DEATH
There was no reason to bring him back to life in a tomb with a boulder covering the entrance.
PREGNANT WOMAN'S MUM (BACKGROUND)
Are you okay? It's coming?! Now?!!
LIFE
Hang on! It was him claiming all the credit for that Lazarus fella!
PREGNANT WOMAN'S MUM STARTS ASKING AROUND FOR SOMEONE TO CALL AN AMBULANCE.
DEATH
Yes, yes, we all know it was you...
LIFE
All his 'magic tricks' I could put up with, but making me look like I (BANGS STAFF) *can't* (BANGS STAFF) *do* (BANGS STAFF) *MY* (BANGS STAFF) *job* (BANGS STAFF WITH EACH SYLLABLE) *properly* is out of order.
TWO MORE PREGNANT WOMAN START BREATHING HARD WITH CONTRACTIONS. A WOMAN WHO WASN'T PREGNANT IS SUDDENLY WITH CHILD AND IN LABOUR. A PREGNANT DOG BY THE WINDOW STARTS HOWLING. A FITNESS FREAK GETS UP TO HELP.
LIFE
If I wanted to outsource my work, I'd have–
BOTH (SIMULTANEOUS)
-got in contact with Rafa Benitez-
DEATH
- so you've mentioned. (BEAT) Once or twice. (BEAT) You make more work for me, you know?
LIFE
I know. I'm sorry. (BEAT) But he caused you trouble too.
DEATH
But I’ve got over that now. It’s in the past.
LIFE
Hanging around, waiting for the sick to finally succumb and then Dr Quinn: Medicine Woman 'saving' them at the last possible moment.
DEATH
Let’s not go over old ground.
LIFE
You'd have thought he'd get there earlier in their illness.
DEATH STARTS TO BOIL
DEATH
(TO SELF) I will not get annoyed. I will *not* get annoyed. Breathe deeply like they taught you in anger management class.
DEATH STARTS BREATHING DEEPLY
LIFE
It's just for show you know.
DEATH STARTS BREATHING HARDER
LIFE
For maximum dramatic effect.
DEATH STARTS BREATHING EXACTLY IN TIME WITH ALL THE PREGNANT PEOPLE IN THE ROOM.
LIFE
He should be a producer.
DEATH SCREAMS IN ANGER, GETS UP AND SPINS HIS SCYTHE OVER HIS HEAD, SAMURAI-LIKE BEFORE SWINGING WILDLY AT LIFE. LIFE DUCKS NONCHALANTLY TO PICK UP SOME CAKE AND THE FITNESS FREAK IS HIT, DRAMATICALLY STOPPING IN HIS TRACKS AND SLOWLY KEELING OVER IN RIGOR MORTIS.
LIFE
Hey, hey. Calm down, mate.
DEATH DROPS SCYTHE AND FLOPS INTO CHAIR, HOLDING HEAD IN HIS HANDS.
LIFE
What's got into you? It’s like the Black Death all over again.
AMBULANCE TURNS UP. PARAMEDICS RUN INSIDE. COFFEE SHOP OWNER POINTS WITH BOTH HANDS IN DIFFERING DIRECTIONS.
COFFEE SHOP OWNER (BACKGROUND)
You here for the young one or the old one?
LIFE
Tell you what, you need a holiday mate. Have you seen the brochures for Iraq?
END