Quote: sootyj @ July 18 2010, 6:29 PM BST

And thanks for picking me!

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To be honest, I was just after the mussels.

Thank God it's over

Scottish man - I was shocked when I heard that my holiday firm had gone bust. I was swimming in Greece at the time, in Glasgow.

I don't believe BP were involved in the Lockerbie bomber's release. The news would have leaked out.

I couldn't believe it when I heard that Kelly Osbourne had been dumped. I thought Sharon would have given birth the traditional way.

I'm not surprised that Peter Andre has a fear of flying. He's had his chopper in some dangerous areas.

Banning the burka would be "un-British". We like a good cover up.

Fabio Capello was wrong when he asked for that index to be taken down. It was the middle finger I had up.

The mother of Ronaldo's baby is an American waitress. She'll think twice next time before demanding a tip.

Cheryl Cole should really add 50% to her body weight, like Take That just have.

David Cameron's Big Society is producing many new Big Issues. They'll need them for all those who are going to lose their jobs and homes.

Being able to watch a play put on just for one's self is wonderful. That's why I watch BBC4.

I don't why they're using a BP cap on the oil leak. Surely a Dutch cap from Shell would be tighter?

I heard 3,000,000 Germans stopped all traffic on the autobahns for a day. It's nice they want to be like the English but what next? Kinky hosepipe ban parties?

Apple will be offering replacement cases for all iphone4s. They regret they won't be able to replace the owners lost sense of smug superiority.

CORRECTIONS

We apologise for mistaking Jimmy's new documentary on "pig society" for "Dave Camerons Big Society". But they were both planning on leaving their subjects in the shit.

We apologise for reporting David Cameron's big society was a fudge that was in a pickle. The story was actually that the Conservative chair had been pinching the PM's sweets.

NEWS BULLETS

The Sussex vicar who specialises in dodgy marriages of convenience for the truly desperate. Has been made chairman of the Liberal Democrats.

Quote: Gerry McDonnell @ July 22 2010, 5:39 PM BST

Cheryl Cole should really add 50% to her body weight, like Take That just have.

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love this one Gerry

My only efforts this week. Both cracked off 10 minutes before the deadline.

COCKNEY:My favourite Pete and Dud Sketch? The one where Dud goes "Peter Mandleson comes up to me and I said you C...

FXBeep

COCKNEY:You F..

FXBeep

COCKNEY:C...

FXBeep

IRISH MANeter Mandleson's book the Third (Turd) Man, what a cracking title.

Some good stuff there ^^^

Be nice if they did a finale with all the stuff that came close.

Final set of failures. Bah.

MIDDLE AGED MAN
I hope for David Cameron's sake that when he gives a presentation on 'The Big Society' Eamonn Holmes isn't sitting in the audience.

YOUNG WELSH MAN
I'm all for Cameron's big society, I drive a kebab van.

MIDDLE AGED LADY
I'm so glad they've decided not to ban the Burka in this country after all the lovely things Joanna Lumley has said about them.

MAN
So scientists reckon men can't multitask (beat) hang on, my phones ringing.

YOUNG LADY
My Uncle's got a lot of sympathy for BP. He had seepage under his cap, except in his case it turned out to be scabies.

WEST COUNTRY MAN
Sarah Palin's not the only one who invents words. My Granddad told me he invented 'ponder', 'obelisk' and 'cobblers'.

DREAMY SOUNDING LADY
The other night I dreamt I was eating a large pillow. When I woke up in the morning my giant bag of marshmallows was gone.

IRRITATED POSH LADY
When we bought our house the contract strictly forbade external erections. Perhaps I should pass the document onto my neighbour next time he decides to sunbathe in the nude.

Woeful effort for last show:

"If you do the sums you'll realise that 40% of men over 40 are actually over 65. It's not hard."

"England football team looking for a new sponsor? How about Vodafone? They got a rubbish reception at home."

Correction:

"Newsjack would like to clarify that there is no link between our story concerning Sachin Tendulkar's plan to mix his blood with the pages of his forthcoming book, and our description of the contents of Piers Morgan's autobiography as being "just a little prick". "

PS to ISHY - From yours above...

"MIDDLE AGED LADY
I'm so glad they've decided not to ban the Burka in this country after all the lovely things Joanna Lumley has said about them."

= Genius.

But undone by the pillow/marshmallow...

I left it late and then frantically trudged the newspages and this was what I came up with...

I had a dream last night I went to see this Inception film that I keep hearing about..................so I guess I don't need to go and watch it now.

So they say women are officially better at multi-tasking? I'd be good at it aswell if I spent my day cooking, cleaning, ironing, shopping and looking after the kids! but it's not a mans job is it?.

I went into Burger King yesterday, I told them their food was well priced, the staff friendly and the place didn't stink of piss, it only seemed fair after they served me with 3 Whoppers.

I can't believe the fuss over a parasailing Donkey, at least it landed on it's Ass.

If the Government really want to help solve unemployment, why don't they pay half the people on the dole to help the other half find work, and then after a month they swap over, job done and the number out of work halved!

I blame this constant news about the BP oil crisis on that pyschic West Country Arnold Schwarzenegger impersonator, I told him if he carried on saying "Oil be back" it would come back to haunt him.

I'm sure I'll get better, if only it hadn't taken me so long to find what I want to do in life I'd be a happier person or maybe it was a feminist who read this weeks submissions!

I'll try again next time

Another week, another... well, you get the picture. Totally ran out steam / interest by the last episode.

Vox Pops

NEW YORKER:
We got our iPhones the day they come out. They ain't ever worked right - how d'ya like them apples?

OLD LADY:
It is disgraceful. My grandson's been giving blood for years, now they tell him he can't because he's gay negative.

BLOKE:
The Sumo Wrestling world is on its knees with those gambling scandals. I hear there's been some pretty heavy losses

Gerry -- Cheryl Cole gag is great.

Sooty -- BBC4 gag good.

Ishy -- as noted, Joanna Lumley gag fab.

Jay -- there's something in the 'apples' gag but it needs rephrasing.

My failures:

VOX-POP:
They've discovered a bacterium so tough it can withstand pretty much everything that is thrown at it. They've called it Peterus Mandelsonium

VOX-POP:
People who have had Botox need the muscles pummelling to bring their faces back to life. I hear there's a *massive* queue to help Katie Price loosen hers. Even if she doesn't have any injections...

VOX-POP:
Leaks on the ocean floor may be unrelated to the BP problems? Well, of course they're unrelated: BP wouldn't plant vegetables near an oil well!

POSH:
So everyone's been evicted from Democracy Village. That place was criminally misnamed, wasn't it? I mean, at best, it was a hamlet. They didn't even have a place to buy swan's eggs.

VOX-POP:
The recession and subsequent loss of jobs means 1000 businesses are starting up in the UK every day! But it does make you ask: how much Generic Viagra do we need?

PARANOID:
I think the Times have got it right. I can't wait for all news content to be charged for. Then I can continue to live in my own safe little bubble where nothing happens. F/X: BANG Argh!

POST-CREDITS:
This is 'From The Archive' here on BBC Single-Channel Radio. That was Newsjack from way back in July 2010 in a week when Robbie Williams rejoined Take That... for the first time. There was debate about wasting money on a nuclear deterrent as, back in those days, people used to live above ground! And BP had trouble with some sort of oil leak. Remember oil? No? Me neither. Whatever did we do before the great alien overlords provided all our power in return for the weekly sacrifice of an MP?

CORRECTION:
Newsjack would like to apologise for openly laughing at new 'Column Idol' champion Dizzee Rascal's comments before claiming that "The Sun is *not* 'interesting and informative'". We, of course, meant "The Sun is not interesting *nor* informative". We sincerely apologise for this heinous grammatical oversight.

CORRECTION:
Newsjack would like to retract last week's apology to ITV for claiming they were dumbing down their content, after they lost their sole remaining high-brow programme -- Melvyn Bragg's South Bank Show -- to Sky. (BEAT) To Sky. To Sky, ITV! Can you hear what we're saying? You're not even as high-brow as *SKY*!!! Do we have to draw you a diagram!?!?!

CORRECTION:
We'd like to apologise for causing a stir in bookshops around the world by claiming that Sachin Tendulkar's special edition biography, featuring a signature page mixed with the cricketer's very own blood, causes copies of the 'Twilight' vampire chronicles to go into a frenzy after dark. This of course is completely untrue and patently ridiculous. A book about cricket never caused anybody to get the least bit excited.

Dan

20% of girls in the UK are now pregnant by the age of 18. The other 80% were too young for our questionnaire.

Quote: Gerry McDonnell @ July 22 2010, 5:39 PM BST

Fabio Capello was wrong when he asked for that index to be taken down. It was the middle finger I had up.

Cheryl Cole should really add 50% to her body weight, like Take That just have.

View original

Nice.

Ok I realise it might be just me but loved this one:

Quote: Ishy @ July 22 2010, 11:02 PM BST

WEST COUNTRY MAN
Sarah Palin's not the only one who invents words. My Granddad told me he invented 'ponder', 'obelisk' and 'cobblers'.

View original

Sound of Spinach loved the 3 Whoppers one as well.

And on the 'How do you like them apples' liner I put something in with Nick Clegg with the exact same phrase. No idea what inspired us both.

Cheers chaps

I can't take all the credit for the Capello line though, that was 50% Steve Sunshine.

*high-fives Keith Chegwin*

Sound of Spinach, like the idea of a 'Best of the Rest' Newsjack. If Mock the week can do it why can't Radio 7.

Here are my failures this week:

VOX POPS

David Cameron's Big Society? It's just an idea he's borrowed from somewhere else isn't it. (BEAT) Brobdingnag in Gulliver's Travels.
(NOTHING LIKE AN OBSCURE REFERENCE TO MAKE A JOKE FIRE)

I know this Boeing 787 Dreamliner plane is meant to be more environmentally friendly but have you tried finding a council that actually recycles plastic?

So only 1 in 10 bobbies are on the beat? 1 in 10! No wonder their marching bands sound so bad.

CORRECTIONS

Newsjack would like to apologise to BP for inferring this week that they were in any way involved in a criminal release. We would like to state that, to the best of our knowledge, BP was in no way involved with the new Tom Jones album.
(OLD JOKE BUT SERIOUSLY HAVE YOU HEARD THAT ALBUM?)

LAST MINUTE CORRECTIONS IN FAILED LATE BID FOR GLORY

Newsjack would like to apologise if we mislead listeners when we said Sachin Tendulkar had "put all of himself" into his new biography. In fact the book only contains 0.01% of Sachin Tendulkar

We would like to apologise for an error we made in our story about Dizzee Rascal launching the Sun's Column Idol competition. After commenting "I reckon writing a column for The Sun is a bit like writing a pop song", Dizzee Rascal went on to say "So think about what works with massive (EMPHASIS) hits". And not what we originally reported.

POST- CREDITS ANNOUNCEMENT:

That was the last in the present series of Newsjack. You'll be pleased to know that, since making this programme, Miles Jupp has died. He was 31... allegedly. The Newsjack anchor was hit by a speeding motorist outside BBC TV Centre whilst attempting to cross over to ITV.
If you've been affected by any of the issues raised in this programme... you didn't have to listen to it. Nobody forced you. So stop throwing your rattle out of that pram and grow up. It's only a radio show. It won't bite you.

CHARITY APPEAL ANNOUNCEMENT:

(FOUR CLICKS AND THEN - ) Every four seconds, a TV presenter elopes to ITV. House band Four Poofs And A Piano have been cruelly abandoned by their owner. Please help by donating as much as you can. Together we can get them back on their feet by giving them all the love and support they deserve. Just £2 a month can buy them printed tee-shirts of famous faces for a year. Just £5 a month can buy them singing lessons. Four Poofs And A Piano need you. Donate now. Please.

VOX POPS:

So the Yorkshire Ripper's not going to be released. Shame really. I was looking forward to that movie.

Personally I think a Burka ban would be wrong. Especially after all the hassle Joanna Lumley had to go through to get them British citizenship.

It's fantastic that scientists have genetically engineered a malaria-resistant mosquito. Just think. Millions of mosqituoes will be saved.

It was only a matter of time before David Cameron launched his "big society." After all, most of the UK are morbidly obese.

Cricketer Graeme Swann charged with drink driving? Let me guess. Did he bowl someone over?

I see Lord Mandelson reckons the Labour Party achieved 80% of what they wanted to achieve. Thing is, 80% of sweet FA isn't much to speak of.

Got talking to Alistair Campbell about washing machines. Personally I think it was just a load of spin.