Hi, this is a 15 minute version of a sitcom that I have done for the Sitcom Trials (through the Canal Cafe). It's meant to work on stage. Please let me know what you think. Thanks!
ACT ONE
SCENE 1.
EXT. DAY. OUTSIDE A CHURCH, TWO MOURNERS, ONE MALE, ONE FEMALE, ARE TAKING UP THEIR PLACES IN THE PEWS.
V/o, man’s voice.
What a lovely day for my funeral
SFX: CHURCH ORGAN
V/O
So, there’s Holly, my grieving girlfriend and some geezer comforting her –must find out more about him; I’ve also spotted a few cousins, , a couple of distant uncles and that’s it. Hang on, who’s that?
HOLLY AND MYSTERY MAN WALK ACROSS THE STAGE AND TAKE THEIR PEWS.
V/O:
No matter. Well. on row two, I’ve seen some work colleagues, twin lesbian aunts (long story), my ex girlfriend, Joanne, hmm, loose ends there..a couple of old mates, some have come to gawp, others to wangle some time off.
Well, not a bad turnout for a short life. I’ve always fantasised at attending my own funeral….
V/O:
The tears, the hypocrisy, the bar room philosophy; the pathos, the bathos, the misbehaviour; the snubs, the jokes, the interlopers; the ones who never knew.
THE PRIEST WALKS ACROSS THE STAGE, STANDS BEFORE THE CONGREGATION AND SPREADS HIS ARMS. SILENCE.
FADE TO BLACK
ACT ONE, SCENE 2
INT, DAY. BRIDGEWATER COLLEGE OF FURTHER EDUCATION IN THE SOUTH OF ENGLAND FX ‘BRIDGE OVER TROUBLED WATER’ BY SIMON AND GARFUNKEL. MUSIC FADES OUT.
DEREK MANDRILL TAKES DOWN HIS FLIP CHART AND RESTS HIS ACOUSTIC GUITAR. HE WALKS OVER TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STAGE AND ENTERS THE OFFICE, KATHY FROM PERSONNEL IS STANDING BEHIND THE DOOR. DEREK GASPS WITH FRIGHT AS SHE TOUCHES HIM ON THE LOWER BACK.
Kathy:
Helloooo. Derek - you wanted to look at the new pensions documentation?
Derek:
Yeah, sorry, lost the last lot. Accident with a...
HE LOOKS OUT OF THE WINDOW AND SEES A CARETAKER MOWING THE LAWN
Derek:
Lawnmower.
Kathy:
Aw. I killed one of my garden gnomes with a lawnmower.
KATHY PAUSES THEN SCREAMS OUT LOUD. DEREK TRIES TO COMFORT HER.
Kathy:
It took his pipe clean off. I still miss Little Seamus even now
Kathy:
What’s that awful smell?
Derek:
I think it might be –
Kathy:
It’s like – oooh
SHE SPRAYS AIR FRESHENER ALL AROUND DEREK’S FACE AND BODY, MAKING HIM SPLUTTER.
Kathy:
There.
SHE HANDS HIM THE PENSIONS DOCUMENTS.
Kathy:
Anyway, enjoy your holiday – going anywhere nice?
Derek:
Hmm. Sore point.
ON THE WAY OUT, DEREK SKIM READS HIS PENSION DOCUMENTS AND MUTTERS UNDER HIS BREATH TO HIMSELF.
Derek:
Bloody ell, I’m worth more dead than alive...
EXEUNT.
ACT ONE SCENE 3.
EXT DAY. OUTSIDE THE COLLEGE.
DEREK IS TALKING ON HIS MOBILE TO HIS WIFE, HOLLY, WHO IS AT A DESK SEARCHING FOR HOLIDAYS ON THE INTERNET.
Holly:
The cheapest I can find in 499 for a week in Corfu, unnamed accommodation.
DEREK FISHES OUT THE SARDINE FROM HIS POCKET AND RECOILS IN HORROR.
Derek:
Oh, God – it stinks!
Holly:
Yeah, bad drains over there. Or 549 for Majorca.
Derek:
Some monkey has put a fish in my pocket.
Holly:
Aw – little end of term prezzie?
Derek:
I bet it was that Danny Bateman.
Holly:
Is he the one who looks like Charlie Dimmock?
Derek:
Yeah. Bastard.
Holly:
That’s no way to talk about a national treasure. 549 for a week in Majorca?
Derek:
That’s 5 hundred and forty nine?
Holly:
No, Derek, it’s a bunch of random numbers and I’m Carol soddin’ Vorderman. Yes, it –
Derek:
It’s just we’re not on one of those adverts for, you know, Futon Planet or World of Kettle or something.. you know, “Only 4-9-9!”
AS DEREK IS TALKING, HOLDING A SARDINE AT ARM’S LENGTH, A FEMALE STUDENT WALK PAST.
Student:
Ooh, sir’s got fishy fingers!
Derek (under his breath):
So has your mum since she went to prison.
Holly:
Derek, are you listening?
Derek:
There is Life Assurance attached to our mortgage isn’t there?
Holly:
Not sure, why?
Derek:
Oh, Kathy Merengo was asking me. I did take out that life cover a couple of years ago, didn’t I?
Holly:
Was that when you thought you had B.S.E?
Derek:
Had wobbly legs and blurred vision..
Holly:
I think that was wanking–related..Oh I don’t know what insurance, assurance, reassurance you’ve got.. check when you get home, eh?
Derek:
Yeah. Look, we break up for a long hot summer at 12.30, I’m off into town to buy some vinyl records. Ring you late afternoon?
Holly (haughtily):
Or maybe you could see if you could do better in a travel agent in town?
FADE TO BLACK
ACT TWO, SCENE ONE
INT: DAY. RETRO RECORD SHOP, ‘THE VINYL FRONTIER’
WHILST APPROACHING THE COUNTER, HE FEELS SOMEONE BRUSH AGAINST HIM. HE LOOKS UP AND SEES SOME PAINT-SPATTERED TROUSERS WALKING OUT OF THE STORE AT CONSIDERABLE PACE. DEREK FEELS FOR HIS WALLET, WHICH HE FINDS BUT THEN FEELS IN THE OTHER POCKET, WHICH IS NOW EMPTY. DEREK PANICKILY ADDRESSES THE WOMAN BEHIND THE COUNTER, A LUGUBRIOUS BESPECTACLED LOAFER:
Derek:
Someone’s nicked my chequebook!
Record shop woman:
Sorry, we haven’t got anything by them.
Derek:
No, did you see anyone take my cheque book.. that man…! Oh, forget it – you dopey arsewit!
AS HE RUNS OUT, THE WOMAN WHINES, ‘YOU ARE’. DEREK LOOKS DOWN THE STREET BOTH WAYS AND SIGHS, DEJECTEDLY. HE RUNS AWAY IN HOT PURSUIT OF THE CHEQUE BOOK THIEF.
EXEUNT
CUT
ACT TWO SCENE TWO
EXT. DAY - A CHASE THROUGH THE STREETS
AS DEREK CHASES THE CHEQUE BOOK THIEF THROUGH THE STREETS THEY EXCHANGE SOME HEATED WORDS. THE THIEF SPEAKS IN A VERY HIGH VOICE.
Thief:
What are you chasing me for?
Derek:
What are you doing with my chequebook?
Thief:
Who says it’s yours?
Derek:
Of course it’s mine, you idiot – it’s got my name on it.
THE THIEF STOPS AGAINST A LAMPPOST AND MOTIONS TO KEEP DEREK AT ARM’S LENGTH. HE IS OUT OF BREATH.
Derek:
I think if there was someone who looked a lot like me who had my name in the area I would know about it.
Thief:
You would if he nicked yer chequebook
THE THIEF SLAPS DEREK ABOUT THE CHEEKS WITH HIS CHEQUEBOOK THEN RUNS OFF AGAIN. DEREK GIVES CHASE AGAIN.
Derek:
So you’re admitting it now?
Thief:
No way.
Derek:
But your pants match the description of the ones I saw in the Vinyl Frontier.
Thief:
Circumstantial evidence – never stand up in court.
DEREK IS NOW OUT OF BREATH AND THE THIEF IS PANTING AND WHEEZING AS THEY CONTINUE THEIR LUDICROUS CONVERSATION AND THE THIEF CHANGES DIRECTION SWALLOW- LIKE, UP A SIDE STREET.
Derek:
The police could match your DNA with what they find on the trousers.
Thief:
Look, you can have the damned trousers!
THE THIEF REMOVES HIS TROUSERS WITHOUT TAKING OFF HIS BOOTS AND THROWS THEM AT DEREK. NOW UNABLE TO SEE, DEREK HURTLES HEADLONG INTO A BUSH. WHEN HE DISENTANGLES HIMSELF FROM THE BRANCHES AND FOLIAGE AND PULLS THE TROUSERS OFF HIS FACE, HE HEARS SOME GHOULISH PANTING, WHEEZING, CHOKING AND WHINING NOISES.
AS HE SLOWLY APPROACHES, HE IS CONFRONTED WITH THE SIGHT OF THE TROUSERLESS BUT BOOTED THIEF SPLAYED OUT ON THE BONNET, GASPING FOR AIR.. AS THE THIEF GOES STILL AND QUIET, HE DROPS THE CAR KEYS HE WAS HOLDING AND DEREK CATCHES THEM.
ACT TWO SCENE 3
EXT. DAY A SIDE STREET
DEREK’S PHONE RINGS. THE SCENE HAS HOLLY AT HOME AT A DESK WITH A PILE OF BANK STATEMENTS AND CREDIT CARD BILLS SPREAD OUT ON THE KITCHEN TABLE ON ONE SIDE OF THE STAGE. A LARGE GLASS OF RED WINE STANDS ON THE TABLE. ON THE OTHER, DEREK IS HUDDLING IN A DOORWAY TALKING ON HIS MOBILE
Derek:
Hi Holly, you ok?
Holly:
Not really, I’ve been looking at our finances and I really don’t think we can afford to go on holiday this year.
Derek:
What?
Holly:
Derek, why are you panting??
Derek:
I’ve.. just been running for the bus.
Holly:
Oh good, if you’re coming home soon you can help me with -
Derek: (a little too emphatically):
No!
Holly:
Is everything ok?
Derek:
No, I mean, well, are our debts that bad?
Holly:
They’re as bad as I want them to get
WHILE HE IS TALKING, DEREK IS LOOKING AT THE FIGURES ON HIS PENSION DOCUMENTS. HE READS AND REREADS THE BIT THAT SAYS, ‘DEATH GRANT – 3 TIMES ANNUAL SALARY PAYABLE TO WIDOW’.
Derek:
I’ll make it up to you.. we’ll… you’ll be fine if you just give me a bit of time.
Holly:
Ah, is one going to sell one of one’s country residences, then?
Derek:
Don’t emasculate me by mocking my humble means.. you married me as a man of straw.
Holly (in a high Judy Garland voice):
Yes, but Dorothy thought the straw man could have taken me to the Emerald City.
SHE REVERTS BACK TO HER USUAL VOICE.
Holly:
I should have married Tin Man.
Derek:
He was gay. Look, I want to prove to you that we can… get by.
Holly:
I’m sorry, Derek. If you come home, maybe we could sort it all out in the nuddy.
AFTER RETRIEVING HIS CHEQUEBOOK, DEREK STARTS LOOKING AT THE CONTENTS OF THE WALLET: DRIVER’S LICENCE, CREDIT CARDS, A STORE CARD FOR BARKLEY’S – THE LOCAL DEPARTMENT STORE; LOTS OF CASH.
Derek:
I’ll sort it. I’ve got a plan. Look, I’ll see you.
DEREK RINGS OFF, POCKETS THE WALLET AND STARTS TO PLACE HIS HANDS UNDER THE PROSTRATE THIEF. HE MANAGES TO GET THE THIEF’S SHIRT OFF AND REMOVES HIS OWN.
FADE TO BLACK
ACT TWO, SCENE FOUR
EXT. NIGHT.
DEREK IS ALONE AT THE FRONT OF THE STAGE.DIALS 999.
Voice on the phone:
Emergency services, which service do you require?
Derek:
Police, I mean ambulance..there’s a man, I think he’s dead..
Voice on the phone:
And your name is?
DEREK TAKES OUT A CREDIT CARD FROM HIS NEW WALLET AND READS FROM IT.
Derek:
Mr. Ray W. Savage.
ACT THREE SCENE ONE
EXT. LATE AFTERNOON IN BARKLEY’S DEPARTMENT STORE.
SOUND FX: A TERRIBLE MUZAK
DRESSED AS RAY, WITH BASEBALL CAP PULLED RIGHT DOWN, DEREK WALKS AROUND WITH A SHOPPING BASKET. HE IS APPROACHED BY A SECURITY GUARD.
Barry
Ray, is that you Ray?
DEREK LOOKS EMBARRASSED AND TRIES TO TURN HIS BACK
Barry:
Ere, you’re not going back to petty crime again are ya –there’s cameras everywhere..
DEREK TURNS AND MAKES FALTERING EYE CONTACT
Derek:
Hmmm.
Barry:
So what happened at line dancing last night? That randy housewife with the white boots was there..
DEREK ADOPTS THE HIGH VOICE THAT HE RECALLS RAY HAVING.
Derek:
Er. Hi.
Barry:
You feeling orright, Ray – you look like you slept in your shitty Rover 216 last night.
Derek:
No – that’s a ridiculous idea!
HE DROPS THE HIGH VOICE FOR A MOMENT
Derek:
Barry from Barkley’s. It’s Barry from Barkley’s!
DEREK HUGS BARRY. THE HUG IS NOT RECIPROCATED BY A CONFUSED BARRY.
Barry:
You are behaving strangely..Tell you what, I’m on me break in 5 – why don’t you come for a hot chocolate in me hideyhole – we’ll have a chat –
Derek:
NO!
BARRY FROWNS
DEREK RESUMES THE HIGH VOICE.
Derek:
I mean, I will.
DEREK LOOKS FOR THE EXITS
Barry:
I’ll wait on the other side of the checkout until you’ve paid, eh. You are paying, aren’t you..
DEREK MAKES A BOLT FOR THE DOOR BUT FALLS ONTO AN ATTRACTIVE WOMAN, ENDING UP ON TOP OF HER.
Derek (still in high pitched voice):
I’m so sorry, I –
Woman:
GET - OFF - ME!
Derek(now in his real voice):
You look familiar, aren’t you..
Woman:
Help!
DEREK IS APPREHENDED BY A CONCERNED LOOKING BARRY WHO USHERS HIM TO HIS OFFICE.
EXEUNT
ACT THREE SCENE TWO
INT DAY, BARRY’S HIDEYHOLE
DEREK IS TALKING TO BARRY.
Derek (keeping up his high voice):
I’m sorry, I’ve just been under a lot of pressure lately. You know I loves me line dancing-
AS HE’S TALKING, ‘ACHY BREAKY HEART’ COMES ON THE RADIO. BARRY TURNS IT UP AND LEAPS TO HIS FEET.
Barry:
Oh, Ray, this is yer favourite! Come on!
BARRY PLACES HIS HANDS ON HIS HIPS AND STARTS MAKING AS IF TO LINE DANCE, ALL THE TIME GRABBING DEREK UP.
Derek:
And I hurt my hips – that was another thing –
BARRY ADOPTS A THREATENING TONE
Barry:
Dance Ray!!
DEREK PUTS HIS HANDS ON HIS HIPS AND STARTS KICKING HIS FEET OUT UNCONVINCINGLY.
Barry:
You look like Zorba the soddin’ Greek – what’s the matter with ya?
Derek:
I’m Billy Ray Cyprus! Hang on, I’m just getting warmed up –
DEREK MOVES HIS HEAD FROM SIDE TO SIDE AND WAGGLES HIS KNEES, HIS HANDS STILL ON HIS HIPS.
Barry:
Now you look like Tina Turner, yer big dickhead. What’s wrong with yer?
DEREK ACCIDENTALLY DROPS THE HIGH VOICE
BARRY TURNS AND SCOWLS AT DEREK.
Derek:
It’s you, you’re putting me off with your anger and your high standards of line dancing
AS DEREK IS DANCING, HIS WALLET FALLS OUT OF HIS POCKET AND FALLS OPEN. DEREK STOOPS DOWN TO FETCH IT. BARRY’S FOOT CRUSHES DEREK’S HAND AND DEREK RELEASES THE WALLET. BARRY’S LOOKS AT THE DRIVER’S LICENCE WITH PERTURBED EYES.
Derek:
Found that on the street – belongs to Derek Mandrill. Did you know that a Mandrill’s a type of monkey -
BARRY STOPS DEAD IN HIS TRACKS AND TURNS THE MUSIC OFF. DEREK CONTINUES HIS LUDICROUS DANCE AS BARRY APPROACHES HIM SLOWLY.
Derek:
It literally means, ‘man ape’ -
GRADUALLY DEREK STOPS DANCING PUT KEEPS HIS HANDS ON HIS HIPS. HE GOES BACK TO THE HIGH VOICE.
Derek:
I was listening to that.
Barry:
You’re not Ray Savage, are ya?
BARRY PULLS DEREK’S BASEBALL CAP OFF AND SQUEEZES HIS CHEEKS.
Derek:
No. (in his high voice). I mean, no (real voice).
Barry:
I think we’d better have a chin wag.
FADE TO BLACK
ACT THREE SCENE THREE
INT EVENING. BARRY’S DEN IN BARKLEY’S
BARRY AND DEREK ARE SITTING VERY STILL, SIPPING HOT CHOCOLATE
Barry:
I can’t believe he’s dead – me old mate Ray, just when he was starting to get back on the straight and narrow
Derek:
Well that’s just it..he stole my chequebook .That’s how I’ve managed to become him
Barry:
He never – he said he was clean. You’ll never be him, you’re half the man he was. You line dance like a little girl.
Derek:
With the greatest of respect you hardly know me. Look, Are you prepared to help me..in Ray’s memory?
Barry
And what’s in it for me?
Derek:
A thousand pounds, when the money comes in.
BARRY THINKS HARD AND GOES NOSE TO NOSE WITH DEREK.
Barry:
Three- thousand - pounds
Derek:
Two - thousand -five -hundred - pounds
Barry:
Shall we shake.
Derek:
OK
BARRY SHAKES HIS WHOLE BODY WHILST LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY.
Barry:
You’ll have to get used to me - I’m a mad sod!
Derek:
You can stop shaking now.
Barry
You look like him..especially in his clothes. Look, how desperate are you?
Derek:
I desperately want to prove to my wife, to Holly, that I can provide for her, we’re mortgaged up to the tits – we bought at the wrong time, we rented a flat for a few years but ignored what was happening in the property market.
Barry:
But I’m skint – I earn enough to cover our mortgage and not much else, the wife has a little part time job at the bingo – but she gambles most of that. What makes you so special?
Derek:
I’ve just got this..plan --that’s the difference - for the first time in my life I’ve got a plan.
Barry:
Don’t get me mixed up in all sorts of fraud
Derek:
It’s not strictly.. well.. Barry, I want you to let me hide here – your shift goes through the night, doesn’t it? I could sleep here, there’s loads of store cupboards and old mattresses, just until I’ve sorted everything out, you know, until the wife has cashed in the payout from the pension and the life assurance.
THEY WALK ACROSS THE STAGE AND EXEUNT
Voiceover Derek:
So that was it. Easy. Barry gets a cut, Holly’ s a rich woman and we can sell the house that’s been paid off and bugger off to Barbados or..New bloody Zealand. Only problem is that Holly has to live with a dead man. She might have found it hard to make me stiff recently but we’ll give it a good go in the name of freedom. Now, when’s my funeral?
FADE TO BLACK
ACT FOUR SCENE ONE
EXT. DAY. THE LOCAL PARK
BARRY AND DEREK ARE ON A PARK BENCH. BOTH HAVE THEIR BACKS TO THE AUDIENCE. BARRY IS STICKING A FALSE BEARD ONTO DEREK’S FACE
Derek:
Get a move on Barry. Bloody hell, Holly always said I’d be late for my own funeral.
Barry:
There you go, mate, noone will recognise you, not even the wife
Derek:
Thanks Barry. How do I look?
THEY TURN AROUND TO REVEAL DEREK’S FACE. HE HAS A PIRATE’S BLACK BEARD, JOHN LENNON STYLE GLASSES, A CLOTH CAP, AN EARRING AND A HERRINGBONE OVERCOAT THAT IS TWO SIZES TOO BIG.
Barry:
I could kiss you if you were a lady but you’ve got a big beard and all –
BARRY STARTS LAUGHING.
Derek:
I appreciate you raiding the store rooms in Barkley’s but if you’ve made me look a tit -
BARRY LAUGHS EVEN MORE
Derek:
Barry! I look like a missing episode of Last of the Summer Wine where Yorkshire gets invaded by undercover pirates.
Barry:
Come on, let’s go. Remember I’m really paying my respects to me old mate Ray.
EXEUNT
ACT FOUR SCENE TWO
INT. DAY: INSIDE THE CHURCH. SFX, SAD ORGAN MUSIC
WITH THE MOURNERS ASSEMBLED, DEREK AND BARRY SHUFFLE IN AND SIT NEAR THE BACK. CROSS CUT BETWEEN HOLLY LOOKING BACK AND DEREK LOOKING AT HOLLY.
Barry:
Is that her?
Derek:
That’s Holly alright. I do miss her.
HE BLOWS A KISS IN HER DIRECTION BUT ONLY AFTER HIS EX, JOANNE FRANCIS (WHO WAS THE WOMAN IN THE DEPARTMENT STORE) TURNS AROUND AND LOOKS AT HIM. SHE RECOILS IN HORROR.
Derek:
Bugger me, that’s Joanne Francis.
Barry:
Rather do the honours with her, thanks, Derek.
Derek:
She’s scrubbed up since I went out with her.
Barry:
So who else is here?
Derek:
Oh, neighbours, old schoolfriends, ex girlfriend, work colleagues and a few randoms, like the cleaners from work and the woman I wave to when I go for the Sunday papers. You’ll meet them if we can gatecrash the party.
Barry:
You’re not going to –
Derek:
I need to watch what’s going on between Holly and that bloke. I’m not even in my grave and some bloke’s hovering like a randy kestrel.
Barry:
I need a fag.
Derek:
I’ll come out with you. I need some fresh air, it’s hot in this disguise.
THEY WALK TO THE SIDE OF THE STAGE.
ACT FOUR SCENE 3
EXT. DAY OUTSIDE THE CHURCH.
BARRY IS HAVING A CIGARETTE; DEREK IS GETTING SOME FRESH AIR.
Derek:
If you don’t give those up I’ll be going to your funeral soon enough.
Barry:
At least I’ll be in that box for real. It pains me to think of me mate Ray in that coffin, with everyone laughin’ at him.
HE TAKES A SHARP PULL ON HIS CIGARETTE.
Derek:
I didn’t see anyone pointing at the coffin and laughing, Barry. I’d be quite offended if they did, as they think it’s me in –
DEREK IS CUT SHORT BECAUSE JOANNE FRANCIS, DEREK’S MADE OVER EX, COMES THROUGH THE DOOR LOOKING MILDLY DISTRESSED, FUMBLING IN HER HANDBAG.
Barry:
Like a fag, love?
Joanne:
Love one, thanks. Bit emotional.
DEREK STARTS TURNING HALF AWAY.
JOANNE LIGHTS HER CIGARETTE. TO BARRY:
Joanne:
Who’s the shy boy with the piratey beard?
BARRY CHOKES ON HIS SMOKE.
Barry:
Oh, this is me mate, Der –
Derek (in his high voice):
RAY, at your service.
DEREK EXTENDS A HAND.
Joanne:
What you offering then?
SHE LAUGHS AND TOUCHES HIS BEARD. HE FLINCHES.
Joanne:
You’ll have to excuse me. I went out with Derek for a while. It ended badly.
Derek:
Oh, what happened?
Joanne:
Long story.
Derek:
That’s ok!
Joanne:
Oh. He wasn’t committed enough. Didn’t have enough time for me. Too busy with his music and his work.
Derek:
That’s rubbish!
Joanne:
What?
Derek:
It must have been rubbish..for you.
Joanne:
Well. Shouldn’t speak ill of the dead but he had this strange habit of sticking his teeth out when we were, you know...
BARRY STARTS LAUGHING RAUCOUSLY.
Derek:
You can’t say that –
Joanne:
Like Freddie Mercury
SHE MIMES FREDDIE MERCURY STRUTTING WITH HIS TEETH STUCK OUT. BARRY LAUGHS EVEN MORE. ENCOURAGED BY LAUGHTER, SHE THRUSTS HER HIPS BACK AND FORTH.
Derek:
That’s it, I’m going back in.
DEREK BEATS A HASTY RETREAT.
Barry (to Joanne):
Ray still misses Freddie. Big Queen fan.
AS DEREK MOUNTS THE STEPS, JOANNE SHOUTS, ‘WAIT!’ AND HE STUMBLES. SHE TRIES TO PREVENT HIM FROM FALLING BY GRABBING HIS BEARD. THE BEARD COMES LOOSE TO REVEAL HIS FACE. HE LOOKS AT JOANNE. AS HE TRIES TO EXIT HE IS APPREHENDED BY A W.P.C.
W.P.C
Derek Mandrill? I’m WPC Oran. The game’s up.
FADE TO BLACK
ACT FIVE SCENE ONE.
INT . DAY. DEREK AND HOLLY’S HOUSE
DEREK, BARRY AND WPC ORAN ARE SHARING A DRINK AND LAUGHING TOGETHER.
Oran:
So there’s me thinking you two had murdered Derek for his chequebook and were following Holly back home to burgle her house with his keys!
Derek (high voice):
Like we’re some criminal double act! Was that a tip off?
ORAN PAUSES AND PRESSES HIS FACE CLOSE TO DEREK’S
Oran:
Oh no. It was a bollocksin’ brainwave. I have one every week and it always leads me somewhere I need to be..
EXIT
DEREK WHISPERS TO BARRY:
Derek:
Remember, get our story straight.
HOLLY APPROACHES.
Holly:
Anyone like a drink?
Barry:
Ooh, twisted me arm –mine’s a large one
SHE POURS THEIR DRINKS
Holly:
Still can’t believe it. I still feel he’s alive, looking at me from somewhere.
DEREK POINTEDLY AVERTS HIS GAZE. HOLLY TURNS TO BARRY AND DEREK
Holly:
So you two were colleagues of Derek’s?
Derek and Barry in unison:
Yes, we were caretakers..
Holly:
Oh, he never mentioned funny caretakers who speak in unison. I’m Holly, Derek’s wife..I mean widow.
AS HOLLY OFFERS HER HAND, DEREK SHAKES HANDS WITH HOLLY WITH HIS HAND UP HIS SLEEVE.
Derek:
I didn’t wash my hands after having a wee. Better go and wash them now.
Holly (To Barry):
You look familiar – hey, you look just like the security guard from Barkley’s.
Barry:
No, that man looks like this.
BARRY PURSES HIS LIPS AND CLOSES ONE EYE.
Holly:
Oh –
CUT TO DEREK GOING TO THE TOILET OFF STAGE. HE SEES JOANNE COMING OUT OF THE TOILET. HE GOES INTO THE NEAREST CORNER TO HIDE. JOANNE HASN’T SEEN HIM BUT FOLLOWS HIM IN, THINKING IT IS HOLLY.
Joanne:
Holly, are you ok?
Derek (high voice):
Yes, I mean, Ray’s ok!
Joanne:
Ah. It’s you.
Derek:
Yes, Ray. I knew Derek well.
Joanne:
Of course you did.
THE PHONE RINGS
Holly:
That’ll be Rob.
DEREK PICKS IT UP AT THE SAME TIME AS HOLLY PICKS IT UP DOWNSTAIRS. HE ANSWERS THE PHONE IN HIS NORMAL VOICE AND IS HEARD BY HOLLY AND JOANNE ALIKE.
CUT TO HOLLY DROPPING THE PHONE AND WALKING UP THE STAIRS SLOWLY, SAYING, “DEREK? DEREK?”
Holly:
Joanne, did you hear…I heard…I thought I heard….
Joanne:
Look, this will happen for a while. It’s natural to hear a loved one’s voice after they’re gone.
JOANNE EMBRACES HOLLY AS SHE ENTERS HER ROOM AND SITS DOWN ON AND CRIES. BARRY ENTERS THE ROOM AND CALLS AFTER ‘RAY’. HE LOOKS AT THE SCENE THEN NOTICES THAT A BEDROOM WINDOW IS WIDE OPEN. HE GOES OVER TO THE WINDOW AND LOOKS OUT ANS SMILES TO HIMSELF. HE CLOSES THE WINDOW.
Holly:
Who opened the window?
Joanne:
It was me. I neeed some fresh air.
FADE TO BLACK.
