My failures!

I hope Kraft doesn't take Cadbury's over. I don't like the thought of Dairylea flavoured chocolate.

South Africa's authorities have condemned a London-based company which wants to sell stab-vests to visiting football fans during the World Cup. This goes against the exclusive licensing agreements with Sheffield Steel and the Swiss Army Knife company.

You won't be hearing this later ...

MILES
We've all sent tongue-in-cheek emails and the recipient has misunderstood the message as rudeness. To help solve this problem of ambiguity in written communications, a US firm has developed a new punctuation symbol to convey sarcasm, the SarcMark. But will it become an integral part of our great language?

SKETCH: SarcMark

JIM
Hey Miles, this new punctuation mark sounds like a good idea. How do you think it works?

MILES
Don't ask me. I don't do sarcasm.

JIM
In the script there's a funny looking symbol after what you just said. Is that it?

MILES
(SARCASTICALLY) Yeah, right.

JIM
And after that line too. In fact ... (TURNING OF PAGES)

MILES
Alright Bright-Spark, what is it?

JIM
Oh it's okay, there isn't one after every one of your lines. (QUIETLY) Not quite. (SMUG) And the one after that "Bright-Spark" remark must be a typo.

MILES
Obviously.

JIM
Ah, there's another.

MILES
Look, I don't need any little splodge of ink telling me how to do my job. Tone, intonation, inflection, timing – I work it all (LONG PAUSE) out as I go along. I'm a professional.

JIM
Of course you are, and we all respect that here. (BEAT) Hey look, I've got four of the little blighters in a row!

MILES
Do you like working here, Jim?

JIM
(QUIETLY TO HIMSELF) Ouch - no symbol.

JIM (CONT'D)
Well, yes.

MILES
(QUIETLY TO HIMSELF) Wow - no symbol.

MILES (CONT'D)
So, are these horrid little marks going or staying?

JIM
I haven't seen one for four or five lines now.

MILES
Good. Let me be clear: if they come back, you don't. Got it?

JIM
Miles, you know I'd never do anything to intentionally annoy you. (BEAT) Oh bugger.

END

Here are my failures for the week:

Vox Pops

I've just heard our World Cup song's going to be Sweet F.A. Don't they ever stop their self-promotion?

Yeah, I sent my Polish dog off for English lessons. First time I told him to 'fetch' afterwards, he just shook his head, sucked his teeth and went 'that's going to cost you'

I've often tried to get commissioned by the Telegraph, but they never seem interested in anything by an Usafi Iqbadal. Now, if I had a sexy French name like Lynda La Plante…

Corrections

We'd like to apologise for a mistake in yesterday's feature on the cancer prevention properties of green tea. Although anti-oxidants do indeed help prevent the build up of free radicals, this does not, as we reported, include on the streets of Wootton Bassett.

We'd like to clarify that the report on the collapse of Lady GaGa, did in fact refer to the pop-star, and not, as some had feared, the ex-Prime Minister.

Week 3 failures:

VOX POP:
Five years to find a man who was selling credit card details to fraudsters. Five years! How hard can it be!? His dad's the King of Nigeria!

VOX POP:
I didn't think the police were using their shields incorrectly at all. It looked like they were having a riot!

CHAVETTE:
Can you believe that adults in Scotland drink the equivalent of 46 bottles of vodka each per year! Amateurs! (GLUGGING)

YOUNG LADY:
Was I offended by Dappy's text message? Well, quite frankly, yes. The spelling alone!

VOX POP:
Blondes more aggressive with a warlike streak? Who do they think they are? James Bond?

Dan

I sent in one vox pop.

VOX POP:

SCOTTISH MAN (drunk):
So us Jocks swallee 46 bottles of vodka a year.... is it any wonder my stomach's lacerated. FX GULP THEN GLASS BREAKING.

Here are my thanks but no thanks vox pops and one-liners...

VOX POPS:

HOODIE TEEN BOY: Yeah, innit, I'm loving this "free laptops for poor pupils" scheme. Now I can sell drugs online as well as on the street.

OLD BLOKE: Blooming recession. I've just been laid off. I worked in a factory making piggy banks, but they had to let me go because there was no money in it.

YOUNG BLOKE: If soldiers serving in Afghanistan run out of condoms, will Gordon Brown order them to pull out? (LAUGHS ANNOYINGLY) Hey, did you see what I did there?

NEWS ONE-LINERS:

TV presenter Zoe Ball has given birth to her second child. Upon being asked who the father was, Zoe replied "Like, duh! Johnny Ball."

The Michael Jackson film "This Is It" will be released on DVD on next Tuesday. We hate to spoil it for fans who haven't yet seen the film, but he dies at the end.

You're determined to get that Michael Jackson gag in aren't you Mikey!

Here are some of my unused efforts.

VOX POPS

The Italian authorities sold off one of Maradona's earrings to pay some of his tax arrears. If I was Harry Rednapp I'd be worried for my Wii console.

So the average Scot drinks the equivalent of forty-six bottles of vodka a year. That's terrible news for the whisky industry.

CORRECTIONS

Our report on the latest unemployment figures has upset some listeners. While a reduction in the number of jobless would normally be cause for celebration, we accept that not everyone is pleased Fred Goodwin has a new job.

Listeners were confused by our commentary on Manchester United against Liverpool earlier this season. We should have said that Liverpool were in the red, and United were also in the red.

Quote: Badge @ January 23 2010, 3:07 PM GMT

The Italian authorities sold off one of Maradona's earrings to pay some of his tax arrears. If I was Harry Rednapp I'd be worried for my Wii console.

View original

Quality

VOX POPS
Even if he is recalled to give evidence I don't think Alistair Campbell will admit to sexing up the Iraq dossier. I still think the truth will come out; apparently he's being interviewed by Fern Britten next week.

You're determined to get that Michael Jackson gag in aren't you Mikey!

Ha, yes. I got it in Watson's Wind-Up. I just want to do the "double."

The Italian authorities sold off one of Maradona's earrings to pay some of his tax arrears. If I was Harry Rednapp I'd be worried for my Wii console.

So the average Scot drinks the equivalent of forty-six bottles of vodka a year. That's terrible news for the whisky industry.

Agreed. The Rednapp one was great.

The whisky one is funny too. Shame Watson's Wind-Up isn't about any more. They might have used that one.

Week 4's Dirty Dozen:

I bumped in to Heather Mills at the Man U v Man City match. I'll be honest; it was a disappointing second leg.

I don't know whether to have an Indian or a Chinese. I feel like Brad Pitt at his divorce negotiations.

Fraud 'costs the UK £30bn a year'. Help stop it by donating twenty pound to endfraud.co.uk.

Catherine Zeta Jones has spoken out against pharmaceutical companies peddling mood-altering medication. Apparently, her husband is taking tablets and it's making things hard for her.

If elected, the Conservatives will ban kebab shops from selling alcohol. Kerry Katona is voting Labour.

The Pope has told priests that they should use the internet more. That's probably a bad idea.

I've decided, I'm definitely voting for Brown.
Hang on Angelina, it's my pick next.

Nintendo are releasing a new football game that is so realistic, Harry Redknapp is seen handcuffed.

A 16-year old boy is set to become Britain's youngest sex-swap patient. He first realised he was a woman when he was 12, when he spent over an hour on the phone to his mother.

I'm absolutely gutted that Brangelina have split; it's left us with no celebrity couples whose names merge.
Hang on; Vanilla Ice is dating Gina Yashere.

David Beckham has been arrested under anti-terror laws. He was found to be in possession of a suspicious package.

Al Qaeda are planning to use female suicide bombers. Imagine that, a woman blowing up unnecessarily.

Here is my Made of Fail for this week:

BAD SAUDI-ACCENTED MANI'm Osama Bin Laden, and the Christmas Day bomb attempt was my idea... no, I meant to say Windows 7.

ESSEX-GIRLSo Ronaldo has had a go at David Beckham for having 'visible tattoos'. Oi, Ronaldo, who does yours then, your acupuncturist?

YOUNG LADYYou can understand why that Italian TV presenter tried to cop a feel of David Beckham's Goldenballs. After all, Beckham's testicles are world famous... well, they've gone global, anyway.

YUMMY MUMMYI think having a baby at 59 is a good idea. When you've got that many wrinkles, who's going to notice your stretch-marks?

OLDER LADYThose schoolkids are daft for burying a time-capsule with letters asking future generations to be environmentally responsible. I mean the grandkids love gifts, but they usually want sweets and money, not hindsight.

OLDER MANI just hope that when Tony Blair goes into the Iraq enquiry, that John Chilcott is in a grizzly mood. I want to see him brought to bear.

OLDER LADYBackless hospital gowns aren't bad, they remind me of snuggies. No one got me one for Christmas like I wanted, so I've had to wear my dressing gown back to front.

Another week and another set of failures. Here are my to sketches:

F/X:INT. SOUND OF BEDCLOTHES WRUSTLING. A MAN IS CLEARLY HAVING A NIGHTMARE. HE WAKENS UP WITH A 'UUUGGGHHH'

TONY BLAIROFF) Gordon. Gordon?

GORDON BROWN:T-t-tony… How do you keep getting in here Tony?

TONY BLAIRD: GHOSTLY VOICE) C'mon Gordon, you know this isn't really me? I'm a metaphor Gordon, only a metaphor.

GORDON BROWN:For what?

TONY BLAIRD: GHOSTLY VOICE) I am the ghost you must lay to rest Gordon. I am the noose around your neck, the sweat on your palms, the boil waiting to be lanced. And lance me you must.

GORDON BROWN:But I don't know how Tony. I have tried, I really have, but nothing seems to kill you, I mean, it.

TONY BLAIRD: GHOSTLY VOICE) But you are so close Gordon. Do not stop now. You know what you must do

GORDON BROWN:No Tony, please. Don't make me do it.

TONY BLAIRD: GHOSTLY VOICE) Yes Gordon. Do it. Do it now. Call an election. And you finally be rid of me.

GORDON BROWN:But I'll lose Tony. I don't want to lose. I've been so prudent, I waited so long. I don't want to lose. I don't want to…

TONY BLAIRD: GHOSTLY VOICE) There is nothing you can do. It has been decided.

GORDON BROWN:By who?

TONY BLAIRD: GHOSTLY VOICE) I can't tell you that. But you must know this: you are going to lose. Definitely. Lose. Everything. Lose.

GORDON BROWN:But how do you know that?

TONY BLAIRNO FX) Oh, open your eye Gordon!

GORDON BROWN: Why has your voice has changed.

TONY BLAIROFF) Open your eye.

F/X:BEDROOM DOOR CLOSING.

GORDON BROWN:Tony?

TONY BLAIROFF) your eye.

GORDON BROWN:Tony!!!

GORDON BROWNh, thank God. (CLOSE) Sarah? Wake up! I need your help. He's been back again.

F/X:INT. BEDCLOTHES WRUSTLING. PERSON TURNS ROUND IN BED.

PETER MANDELSON: (CLOSE) Good morning, Gordon.

GORDON BROWN:What in the name of…

PETER MANDELSON: Ignore Tony, he did that to John Major all the time.

GORDON BROWN:What the hell are you doing here? Sarah?

PETER MANDELSON: Oh c'mon Gordon, you know you got into bed with me a long time ago.

END

and secondly...

F/X:EXT. INDUSTRIAL MACHINERY. WE ARE IN A RECYCLING PLANT. WE CAN ALSO HEAR CAMERA FLASH NOISES. CHARACTERS ARE TALKING LOUDLY OVER THE NOISE

PLANT MANAGER:Good morning, David

DAVID CAMERON:Good morning. So how does this place work?

PLANT MANAGER:It's pretty simple. To your left is the general waste area, your papers and cardboards and stuff. That lot is gonna be cheap writing paper soon.

DAVID CAMERON:What's that straight ahead?

PLANT MANAGER:That's our book pulping area.

DAVID CAMERON:Interesting.

PLANT MANAGER: Not really, we're doing Justin Lee Collins' Good Times! (BEAT) A lot of those to get done.

DAVID CAMERON:That's not so good is it?

SHOP WORKER:Not really. We're making that into toilet roll. It's the easiest way really. Not much recycling needed.

DAVID CAMERON:And is that the…?

PLANT MANAGER:Yeah, that's those Labour policies you wanted put aside.

DAVID CAMERON:Well done.

PLANT MANAGER:You're lucky he changed his mind again.

END

Thougts, ideas, and criticism appreciated. J

I like the idea of Godron Brown being haunted by Blair, but it needs to be shorter and pithier. It was too long.

The other one was okay, but I think you could have done the same in a correction.

Quote: chipolata @ January 28 2010, 12:15 PM GMT

I like the idea of Godron Brown being haunted by Blair, but it needs to be shorter and pithier. It was too long.

The other one was okay, but I think you could have done the same in a correction.

View original

Thanks for that. I agree I did think the Brown one was a bit on the long side. I did consider using the Cameron one as a voxpop/correction joke too.

But these were only my second and third sketches I have EVER written. I just wanted to give them a bash to be honest and see what people thought of them.

Thanks again. J