Hi,

Wrote this, thought we could have fun with it. Add your "How to tell..." I'll read the ones I like on the next Purple Comedy.

You are pleased when someone adds you as a friend on Myspace

You message "Tom" on Myspace and expect a reply

You message "Tom" on Myspace and get a reply

You actually do know what the back of your hands look like

You spend ages at work trying not to look at the clock to see if you can go home yet

You look at the clock at work and regard it as your guilty secret

Homer Simpson says things that you only thought.

You find yourself wondering what a rat would look like if you shaved it.

You find out what a rat looks like after you have shaved it.

You worry about the fact that no one has ever seen a baby pigeon.

You see a baby pigeon and keep quiet about it in case people think you are odd.

You watch a TV show with Ant and Dec in it and know which one is which.

Ant and Dec appear to you in a dream and tell you to go o the X Factor (Sign of mental illness)

You can't understand why other people don't realise that stalking is a real relationship.

You catch yourself humming along to Classic FM

You eat alphabet soup so you can find the hidden message.

You actually manage to read a Short History of Time all the way through.

You begin to think rug making actually might be quite a fun thing to do.

You start writing lists entitled "How to tell if your life has lost its meaning."

Finally yes, you guessed it, you read lists entitled "How to tell if your life has lost its meaning."

John Burns
Purple Comedy http://standupcomedy.podomatic.com/

"You start watching Hollyoaks"

"You start enjoying Hollyoaks"

"You join internet forums"

"You text an ex girlfriend who cheated on you - with your dad"

"You search for God (sly little Atheist dig)"

"Family members begin to appear 'sexy' "

"White cider seems like an ideal breakfast beverage"

"That tramp who begs outside of the wine shop starts offering YOU loose change"

"People refer to you as 'That weird bloke who talks to cats' "

"You vote BNP because 'They'll really help this country' "

You're pleased when you get a summons because nobody else ever calls.

You're pleased when you get earache because at least you can talk to a doctor.

You're pleased when your neighbour hurls verbal abuse because it's the most excitement you get.

You're pleased when the meerkat ad is on because he talks only to you.

You're pleased when yobs sit on your garden wall at least you're on the map.

You're pleased to drink tea because wine gives you a headache.

You're pleased to sit all day in pyjamas because you're not going anywhere.

You read War and Peace and enjoy every word.

You browse the net for hours because there's nothing else to do.

You clean behind the cooker because there's nothing on the box.

You clean behind the fridge because the cooker might be jealous.

You sit on the swing seat in the rain because it may never sunshine.

You start flicking through catalogues at the price of coffins

You think "There must be more to life than this".

Loose Women is the highlight of your day and your night.

You watch the Eurovision Song Contest from start to finish - even the singing.

You twitch when the internet is down.

You think a cup of a tea three quarters full could do with a top up.

You buy crates of Smarties. ;-)

Hi guys,

Great stuff, keep it coming.

John

You can't wait for 5.30, but then you realise you're on holiday. I've done this myself.

Quote: Bad dog @ June 3 2009, 5:30 PM BST

You can't wait for 5.30, but then you realise you're on holiday. I've done this myself.

View original

Hi Bad Dog,

I laughed out loud at that one, definitely in the show.

Thanks

John

Purple Comedy

Glad you liked it John. True story, unfortunately!

You tell yourself your flacid penis is average and not small

You tell yourself your erect penis is average and not small

You believe that if Cheryl Cole spent ten minutes with you, she definitely would love you.

When you prod your erection in your partners back whilst she is asleep?

You would rather watch 'Desperate Housewives' with your partner than watch the football

You think the size of your DVD collection is impressive everytime you look over in the corner in which they all stand

You convince yourself that the 'Fast food' junk you just ate was good for as your body needs fat to burn fat, although it was your 4th take away that week.

You CONVINCE yourself you are 'a bit' ill before the sickie phone call to work.

You put on the music channels when nobody is around and pretend you are a rapper, rapping in the mirror to yourself

You think if she wasn't your mum...You definitely would!...

THAT ONE WAS A JOKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You live in a village with only one girl and she's a cocktease.
You only ever where a hat and payjama bottoms.
You're never depressed or cold but you're always blue.

Wait oops that's Maybe you're a Smurf.

Quote: sootyj @ June 3 2009, 10:01 PM BST

You live in a village with only one girl and she's a cocktease.
You only ever where a hat and payjama bottoms.
You're never depressed or cold but you're always cold.

Wait oops that's Maybe you're a Smurf.

View original

Sooty you have never reveiled so much about yourself in one night!!

You enjoy taking 'little' drives.

You eat cereal without milk.

You look at yourself in the mirror when you masturbate.

You take the time to read the local paper.

You get the local paper delivered.

You're wearing a wedding ring.

F**king hell I'm depressed.

You spend all your money on useless crap just so you can complain that you have no money.

You take the lift instead of the stairs as exercise is too much like hard work.

You claim the tooth fairy is very busy and doesn't always come the first night you leave a tooth under a pillow.

You are too lazy to stand up and have a shower.

You start writing to the local paper to complain about bin collections.

You fail to recognise a single artist in the Top Ten music charts.

You recognise a song in the Top Ten but have no idea who did it.

You forget to pick up your house keys three days in a row.

You have more hair in your ears than on your head.

You have more fluff in your navel than in your pillow.

You add things to your To Do list that you've already done, just so you can tick them off.

Talking of which...

You fantasise about keeping chickens.

You consider getting a job to justify wearing a pencil skirt.

A narrowboat holiday seems appealing.

You look forward to taking your medication.

You read the Daily Mail online, just to get irate.

You the the Daily Mail online and begin to think it makes sense.

You put on your horseriding gear and canter around the garden.