Alright, I will

Dan

======================
UNORTHADOX REAR ACCESS
======================
INT. SHOP -- DAY.

A MAN ENTERS GOES UP TO THE COUNTER OF A LINGERIE STORE, CLEARLY EMBARASSED BY BEING THERE

MAN
(QUIETLY) Erm.. excuse me. Does this PVC bodice come a size smaller?

SHOP ASSISTANT
Yes sir. I could get you one from the back.

MAN
Another thing. Do it have... ahem... easy rear access?

SHOP ASSISTANT
Yes sir. The back is unclippable for a more... ahem... unorthadox liaison.

MAN
Excellent. If you could just get me the smaller size (LICKS LIPS) I'm sure it'll fit perfectly.

SHOP ASSISTANT
(WHISPERS) Is this... erm... for sir himself, sir?

MAN
Oh no, it's not for me! Sorry. You must think I'm some sort of pervert.

SHOP ASSISTANT AND MAN LAUGH TOGETHER

MAN (DEADPAN)
No, it's for my dog.

END

Here's one I've posted before in the critique section, but being lazy thought I'd enter it into the comp. I've improved it, I hope.

INT. SHOP - DAY.
THE DOOR BELL RINGS, AS A SCRUFFY LOOKING MAN ENTERS THE SHOP. HE WALKS UP TO THE COUNTER.

SCRUFFY MAN
Four Candles.

THE SHOP ASSISTANT REACHES BELOW THE COUNTER AND PULLS OUT FOUR CANDLES AND THEN PLACES THEM ON THE COUNTER.

SHOP ASSISTANT
Four Candles.

SCRUFFY MAN
No, Fork 'andles. Handles for Forks.

SHOP ASSISTANT
(Shouting to Margret in the back room)
Margaret! Margaret!

MARGRET
(Long Pause)
Yes?

SHOP ASSISTANT
Do we have any Fork Handles?

MARGRET
(Shouting)
I don't know?

SHOP ASSISTANT
I don't know.

SCRUFFY MAN.
Oh.

SHOP ASSISTANT
(Shouting)
Oh.

THE DOOR BELLS RINGS AS ANOTHER TALL MAN ENTERS, HOLDING A BIRD CAGE WITH A DEAD PARROT LYING ON THE BOTTOM.

TALL MAN
I wish to complain about this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.

SHOP ASSISTANT
Mr Humphries, are you free?

MR HUMPHRIES APPEARS FROM NOWHERE.

MR HUMPHRIES
I'm free!

SHOP ASSISTANT
Will you please help this customers parrot, whilst I deal with this gentleman here.

MR. HUMPHRIES
Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blue...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?

TALL MAN
I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!

MR. HUMPHRIES
Oh he is stiff as a board is'nt he?

KEN AND KENNETH APPEAR.

KEN AND KENNETH
Ooh, suit you!

MR. HUMPHRIES
I don't think he is dead, I think he's just resting.

TALL MAN
Look, matey, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now. (Shouting) 'ELLO POLLY!

EDWARD APPEARS FROM THE BACKROOM.

EDWARD
Whats going on, whats all this shouting , we'll have no trouble here.

SCRUFFY MAN
Saw tips?

SHOP ASSISTANT
Oh! Edward he asked if he could see my tips!

KEN AND KENNETH
Oh suit you sir!

(Cheesy end credits from Are You Being Served with everyone waving)
END.

Just a thought, but if anyone is good at editing, it could possible work? I'll give it a go myself.

Here is my entry for you to see in all its glory.

THE SALE

SCENE INSIDE A "SPECIALIST" SHOP

SPEEDYMAN : Ooh hello Ultraman. Fancy seeing you here.

ULTRAMAN : Well it is the sales you know Speedyman. What do you think?

SPEEDYMAN : Orange? It's not really your colour is it. You're more green and yellow.

ULTRAMAN : I Just felt like a change. It gets a bit boring wearing the same colours day after day.

SPEEDYMAN : You've got a point there.

ULTRAMAN : Also I could do with a change kit in case there's a colour clash.

SPEEDYMAN : True. I wonder what they've got for me. ooh look at this one. What do you think?

ULTRAMAN : Oh yes. It sets off your eyes a treat.

SPEEDYMAN : Even with my mask on?

ULTRAMAN : Definitely. And look, it's very reasonable. Half price.

SPEEDYMAN : And you get a free utility belt.

ULTRAMAN : Fancy that.

SPEEDYMAN : Maybe I'll get something - all these bargains. Only trouble is I haven't got a penny on me. No pockets in this one see? It's all in one.

ULTRAMAN : Why don't you ask them if you can pick it up tomorrow?

SPEEDYMAN : Good idea.

HE TAKES THE COSTUMEUP TO THE COUNTER.

SPEEDYMAN ; Excuse me dearie. Could you save this for me and I'll pick it up tomorrow?

SHOP ASSISTANT ; I'm very sorry. Tomorrow's Villains day.

WE SEE A VERY WELL BUILT BODYBUILDER-TYPE IN THE FORECOURT OF A SUPERMARKET FILLING STATION AS HE ENTERS TO PAY HIS BILL. WE CUT TO THE INSIDE WHERE HE APPROACHES ONE OF THE YOUNG MEN (DAVE) BEHIND THE COUNTER.

BODYBUILDER
Pump sheven pleashe.

DAVE
No problem.

BODYBUILDER
And pash me shome condomsh – the six pack of shensual ones.

DAVE TURNS ROUND AND GETS THE CONDOMS.
There you are.

BODYBUILDER
While I’m here, shome shiggarettes. Any King Shize ish fine.

DAVE TURNS ROUND AND GETS THE CIGARETTES.
They OK?

BODYBUILDER
Yesh. Here you go and make shure I get my Clubcard Pointsh.

THE MAN HANDS DAVE HIS CREDIT AND POINTS CARDS.

DAVE
No problem.

BODYBUILDER
One lasht thing, can you give me directionsh for Shumerhill Shtreet – I don’t know thish area very well.

DAVE IGNORES THE MAN AS IF HE NEVER HEARD HIM

BODYBUILDER
Jusht point me in the right direcshion.

DAVE CONTINUES TO IGNORE THE MAN. THE MAN SHAKES HIS HEAD AND WALKS OUT IN THE DIRECTION OF HIS CAR.

DAVE’S COLLEAGUE (BRUCE) TURNS TO DAVE.

BRUCE
That was a bit brave mate – did you not see the size of him?

DAVE
Of coursh I did, but it wash a bigger rishk if I gave him full directionsh.

INT. - SHOP – DAY

A LITTLE OLD LADY places her shopping basket down on the counter. The cashier scans each item through.

CASHIER
OK then darling that will be £42.96 all together please.

LITTLE OLD LADY
Oh dear, I don't think I quite have enough. I'll have to put somethings back.

After much deliberation and huffing and puffing from other customers in the queue.

LITTLE OLD LADY
I'd really like to keep the nipple clamps and love balls so I'll put these back.

Close up of Thrusting Justin and Throbbing Robin vibrators placed on counter as final wide shot shows Sid's Sex Shop Sale sign in the background.

THE CORNER SHOP

A woman has just opened up a shop in a new (out in the sticks town) . There is a queue at ther till.

SHOPKEEPER
Hello Sir how may I help you.

CUSTOMER
I would like something saucey for my wife please.

SHOPKEEPER
Tomato sir?

CUSTOMER
No! I want her in something revealing.

SHOPKEEPER
This is a corner shop sir, We do not have a lingerie department I am afraid.

CUSTOMER
So you cant help then. What kind of place are you running here.

Man leaves. Next customer

SHOPKEEPER
Hello Madam how may I help.

CUSTOMER
I would like a bit of polish please.

SHOPKEEPER
Certainly madam. Mr sheen?

CUSTOMER
No I want a proper polish person please.

SHOPKEEPER
Sorry Madam we don’t have an immigrant department here I am afraid.

CUSTOMER
Not even lurking round the back. What kind of place are you running here.

Woman leaves. next customer.

SHOPKEEPER
Hello Sir how may I help you.

CUSTOMER
I would like a chicken

SHOPKEEPER
Certainly Sir, fresh or frozen.

CUSTOMER
Don’t care how she comes as long as I do.

SHOPKEEPER
Sorry Sir you said chicken.

CUSTOMER
Yes I would like a Chick, PLEASE Hen.

SHOPKEEPER
Sorry sir we do not have a dating or a brothel department here.

CUSTOMER
What not even out of hours. What kind of place are you running here.

Man leaves..Next Customer

SHOPKEEPER
Hello Madam. How can I help you

CUSTOMER
I would like a Dictaphone please

SHOPKEEPER
Well Madam I can definitely help you with that. Call this number and you will get the bastard that sold me this hell hole

bump

OMG!!! Look what I came up with when i was pissed up. Then still with a hangover I kept it and edited it this afters. Lordy me!! Can i go again. Can i do a new one. Where did i get that from. Sorry guys. You must all think I have a brain imbalance.

CAN I RE-DO ONE AND WE CAN GET RID OF THE CRABS?

I think editing it is ok, up until the comp closes.

Right guys i have taken away my pissed Crabs sketch and replaced with a sober sketch. I must stay off forums when drunk.. I hope this is ok. If i have broke any rules let me know.

lol charley i thought it was funny

Did i miss the original one? I bet it was bloody good. Go on Charley - let us see another one of your entries.

LOL
It was a tad ridiculous. Deleted now thank goodness. It was drunken gobbledy gook.

Trust me, you were saved a *tsk* and a shake of the head.

So most of this is when you're sober? I can't imagine what you're like pissed.

charley, charley, charley what a sketch!