T-BOY, URBAN STREET POET
(SKETCH 1)

1. INT. JOBCENTRE. DAY.

A JOBCENTRE RESTART OFFICER SITS AT HIS DESK.

RESTART OFFICER:
Next please.

BARRY SAUNTERS OVER. HE'S DRESSED IN HIP-HOP STYLE CLOTHES, FAUX GOLD CHAINS, HUGE BAGGY JEANS, SHADES ETC.
DRIPPING WITH ATTITUDE, HE CHUCKS HIS JOBSEEKER'S CARD ON THE DESK AND STANDS THERE, ARMS CROSSED, HANGING TOUGH.

RESTART OFFICER:
Take a seat Mr…(CHECKS CARD)…Turner. Barry Turner is it?

BARRY TURNER:
They call me the T-Boy.

RESTART OFFICER:
Right…T-Boy. Take a seat.

HE SITS.

RESTART OFFICER:
(READING FROM COMPUTER) Okaaay…so it says here that you've been unemployed for…five years. What sort of work is it you're looking for?

BARRY TURNER:
I'm an urban street poet, innit. Words is my work. If rhyme's a crime I'll do the time y'nattamean?

RESTART OFFICER:
(PAUSE) Yes…erm, we don't really have anything in street poetry. McDonalds are hiring, if you'd like an application…

BARRY TURNER:
Forget that shit man. I don't flip burgers, I flip words, with me tongue. Words that're yummy but not for your tummy, for your ears, y'nattamean? I'm bringing down da system with my wisdom, destroying da man with my plan, y'get me?

RESTART OFFICER:
Right…go on then.

BARRY TURNER:
What?

RESTART OFFICER:
Do some street poetry. Maybe if I hear what you've got to offer I can find something suitable for you.

BARRY TURNER:
Nah man, it's too much for someone like you. It'd melt your brain.

ANOTHER JOBSEEKER APPROACHES.

JOBSEEKER 1:
No, go on mate. You stick it to him.

ANOTHER JOBSEEKER AGREES.

JOBSEEKER 2:
Yeah, go on. We want to hear your stuff, don't we?

EVERYONE AGREES…SOME EVEN CLAP. BARRY STANDS UP. HE GETS A PIECE OF PAPER OUT.

BARRY TURNER:
Right then. Check dis shit my brethren. (BEGINS TO READ FROM PAPER)
My friend Billy had a ten foot willy,
And he showed it to the woman next door.
She thought it was a snake, so she hit it with a rake,
And now it's only five foot four.

HE LOOKS UP TO SEE EVERYONE STARING AT HIM, OPEN-MOUTHED.

BARRY TURNER:
It's a work in progress.

EMD SKETCH 1

Nicely writ. Ending isn't as mind blowing as the poem itself but it's OK, I suppose.

Barry Turner? Many kids called Barry these days? Bari, possibly.

I really, really enjoyed most of this - the ideas's great - but I thought it finished weakly and a little predictably.

Quote: Stu R @ February 9 2009, 2:20 PM GMT

I really, really enjoyed most of this - the ideas's great - but I thought it finished weakly and a little predictably.

View original

When you say it was predictable, had you already guessed he was going to do a schoolyard poem?

Quote: Lee Henman @ February 9 2009, 2:28 PM GMT

When you say it was predictable, had you already guessed he was going to do a schoolyard poem?

View original

Yes.

Quote: Leevil @ February 9 2009, 2:29 PM GMT

Yes.

View original

What gave it away?

Quote: Lee Henman @ February 9 2009, 2:30 PM GMT

What gave it away?

View original

It's an obvious punchline to this setup. I think most people would guess it and hope it would be an original twist, only to be disappointed.

It's well written, you've got a nice setup and character there, but we've all seen this reveal too many times.

The idea is that this is going to be a running gag, with T-Boy embarrassing himself in many more social situations by reciting shitty schoolyard poetry.

I'm not sure I subscribe to the theory that all sketches have to be unpredictable...for me in many sketches it's precisely that predictability that makes the sketch funny. For instance with Andy And Lou we know very well that he's going to get out of his wheelchair at the end of the sketch. That's what we're waiting for. In the Armstrong and Miller sketch we know the guy's going to turn to the camera and say "I'm wearing my wife's knickers". In the Fast Show we know the pub guy's going to say "Someone's sitting there, mate." etc etc.

So predictability isn't really a problem for me - the question is, I suppose - is the idea strong enough to carry a series of sketches?

Quote: Leevil @ February 9 2009, 2:35 PM GMT

It's an obvious punchline to this setup. I think most people would guess it and hope it would be an original twist, only to be disappointed.

It's well written, you've got a nice setup and character there, but we've all seen this reveal too many times.

View original

This particular reveal? What in?

Quote: Lee Henman @ February 9 2009, 2:36 PM GMT

This particular reveal? What in?

View original

I can't bring a list off the top of my head. But surely you've seen sketches where an acclaimed artist's painting is revealed to be a child's drawing or a famous pianist plays Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star, for example. (I'm aware of what I did there btw )

I agree with "I'm not sure I subscribe to the theory that all sketches have to be unpredictable...for me in many sketches it's precisely that predictability that makes the sketch funny."

I enjoyed the character more than the joke, wouldn't you prefer to have a killer gag at the end though? And that's not a bondage joke. Instead of running with an oldie?

Quote: Leevil @ February 9 2009, 2:42 PM GMT

I can't bring a list off the top of my head. But surely you've seen sketches where an acclaimed artist's painting is revealed to be a child's drawing or a famous pianist plays Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star, for example. (I'm aware of what I did there btw )

I agree with "I'm not sure I subscribe to the theory that all sketches have to be unpredictable...for me in many sketches it's precisely that predictability that makes the sketch funny."

I enjoyed the character more than the joke, wouldn't you prefer to have a killer gag at the end though? And that's not a bondage joke. Instead of running with an oldie?

View original

I dunno really. For this character to be a runner there has to be a clearly-defined payoff at the end of each sketch. Otherwise it'll just trail off into nothing, which is the fashion in a lot of modern sketch shows but I hate sketches with no punchline. They always feel like half a joke to me.

This is definitely strong enough to carry a series of sketches, in a similar way to that - and please don't wish eternal damnation on me - Catherine Tate's 'Am I bovvered' sketches do, i.e. teenagers trying to be 'street' and cool but end up being very childish.

I could easily imagine Barry rhyming to customers in Macdonalds, doing it to his boss as he gets sacked etc. There's loadsa room for the same gag - and I agree that predictability is often the reason such a sketch can be funny and thus not always to be frowned upon - but I'd just hoped for something punchier after really loving the concept.

Quote: Lee Henman @ February 9 2009, 2:46 PM GMT

I dunno really. For this character to be a runner there has to be a clearly-defined payoff at the end of each sketch. Otherwise it'll just trail off into nothing...

View original

I agree and suggest you come up with a better punchline.

But regarding trailing off Smack the Pony did this excellently.

And I sometimes end my posts...

Quote: Stu R @ February 9 2009, 2:49 PM GMT

but I'd just hoped for something punchier after really loving the concept.

View original

This.

.
First of all, this excellent description -

'BARRY SAUNTERS OVER. HE'S DRESSED IN HIP-HOP STYLE CLOTHES, FAUX GOLD CHAINS, HUGE BAGGY JEANS, SHADES ETC.DRIPPING WITH ATTITUDE, HE CHUCKS HIS JOBSEEKER'S CARD ON THE DESK AND STANDS THERE, ARMS CROSSED, HANGING TOUGH.'

- brought Barry to life. Coupled with brilliantly observed dialogue, it leapt off the page. Hilarious.

Not a weak ending at all. It showed that 'T-Boy' had no 'street cred' whatsoever when it came to rapping.

Instead of coming out with the likes of -

Streets Is f**kin' vicious
Drive-by shootin's is delicious
Earns me all ma riches
So's ah can f**k ma bitches!

- 'T-Boy' comes out with -

My friend Billy had a ten foot willy,
And he showed it to the woman next door.
She thought it was a snake,
So she hit it with a rake,
And now it's only five foot four.

A GEM. It made my day.

Quote: Morrace @ February 9 2009, 3:06 PM GMT

.
First of all, this excellent description -

'BARRY SAUNTERS OVER. HE'S DRESSED IN HIP-HOP STYLE CLOTHES, FAUX GOLD CHAINS, HUGE BAGGY JEANS, SHADES ETC.DRIPPING WITH ATTITUDE, HE CHUCKS HIS JOBSEEKER'S CARD ON THE DESK AND STANDS THERE, ARMS CROSSED, HANGING TOUGH.'

- brought Barry to life. Coupled with brilliantly observed dialogue, it leapt off the page. Hilarious.

Not a weak ending at all. It showed that 'T-Boy' had no 'street cred' whatsoever when it came to rapping.

Instead of coming out with the likes of -

Streets Is f**kin' vicious
Drive-by shootin's is delicious
Earns me all ma riches
So's ah can f**k ma bitches!

- 'T-Boy' comes out with -

My friend Billy had a ten foot willy,
And he showed it to the woman next door.
She thought it was a snake,
So she hit it with a rake,
And now it's only five foot four.

A GEM. It made my day.

View original

Good of you to say Mr Morrace. Careful though - folks'll be thinking we're the same person.

Quote: Lee Henman @ February 9 2009, 6:48 PM GMT

Good of you to say Mr Morrace.

View original

'Good'ness doesn't come into it Mr Henman.

Quote: Lee Henman @ February 9 2009, 6:48 PM GMT

Careful though - folks'll be thinking we're the same person.

View original

I'm single - unlike 'frostyboy', davidmoreton, et al.