I'm planning on filming this soon. Thought I might get a bit of feedback first.

(John is staggering down the road, he is covered in blood and has lost one of his shoes. Vic comes up to mug him)

Vic

Alright let's have your phone

John

Sorry?

Vic

Your phone, blood, gimmie your phone.

John

I don't have a phone…

Vic

Ok gimmie your wallet and watch.

John

No wallet (hands over his watch)

Vic
What do you mean no wallet?

John

I've just been mugged. I'm on my way to hospital…

Vic

And he missed your watch? Why'd he only take one of your shoes?

John

(Noticing for the first time) I must have lost it when I was hit by the car…I wondered into the road afterwards and this car came from-

Vic

That's a nice shoe, blood. Let have it.

John
I haven't got the other one..

Vic

Well I'll nick it from the shop, won't I. Where'd you get them?

John

Erm…Shoe World on Oxford Street.

Vic
No problem, blood. Security there is rubbish. What else you got?

John
(looks in his pockets) Some chewing gum (Vic gestures to have it), a pen (Vic shakes his head), some Vaseline-

Vic
(worried) What's that for?

John
My lips. I get very chapped lips.

Vic
Hey blood, I get chapped lips too (he gestures to give it. Looking at John)

John
I think I've got some stamps somewhere, I always keep some spare one (noticing Vic is looking) What is it?

Vic
That's a nice shirt, blood…what make is it?

John

I can't remember…

Vic
Let's have a look (Vic checks the label) Blood

John
Yes?

Vic

No, you got blood on the shirt. (taking the shirt) How am I gonna get this out? Hot water?

John

Cold water. Never hot. Gently dab with cold water until the blood is gone.

Vic
I'll have to get the missus to sew this up?

John
What?

Vic

Well the stab wound's ripped the shirt.

John

I've been stabbed?

Vic

Yeah. Anyway, that's me about done. Nice one blood. (pause) You wanna stick up for yourself. Don't let people push you around so much.

John

I'll try

This is really good! The mugger wanting the vaseline and the "Blood" "Yes?" "No, you got blood on the shirt" lines were great -I can't really think of anything to criticise - my initial reaction was that it was very funny and it made me laugh

I like it, Ben. You have a thing for muggers, don't you?

I really like the concept of this. A mugger trying to mug someone who has already been mugged is great, but I didn't think there were enough laughs throughout. It seems to be the same joke repeated about 5 times with few twists. The ending seemed a little flat too. However, it's a great idea, so if you can move it up a notch then I think you're onto a winner.

From Ben to Ben.

Liked ths sketch but as Ben says, probably an over long riff (Black Sabbath maybe) and if you could add in something to take it off on a tangent it might lift it.

Failing that then the point is probably made a wee bit too often.

Oh and...talking to yourself? Take three of these and lie down in a darkened room.

From B to Ben

PS When did modern comedians nick the time honoured "metal" concept of riffing. What next? Metallica telling jokes?

Thanks for the feedback guys! Appreciate your time.

I think a lot of sketches I like are the same joke repeated/ developed throughout the course of the action. E.g The Parrot Sketch, is basically Palin just coming up with different excuses, but I sure do loves it!

I was going to make the delivery very quick and over lappy (??) and I have some fantastic fake blood that I'm going to cover myself in. Mwa ha ha ha ha ha!!

I'll slap it up here when I finish, you lucky sods.

As per everyone else, I liked the concept but felt it was stretched too far.

You might try ramping it up by using a succession of unlikely muggers (say doctor, nun, 10 year old girl)rather than just one. For some reason I find the idea that they would all have the same voice a funny one.

Uploaded the sketch at the weekend (see below if interested). Quite happy with it. Particularly like the muggers performance!

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=53258409

This works a lot better when being watched than read. As is the case sometimes.

I think a few more laughs like the 'vaseline' line would lift the sketch up a level.

Hey Ben - just noticed this is the featured video on Funny Or Die today. Well done!

Nice one, Ben. Who shot this thing?

Quote: David Bussell @ March 3 2009, 10:11 AM GMT

Nice one, Ben. Who shot this thing?

View original

How the hell am I supposed to know?!

I am SUCH a silly goose!

I don't know how to 'multiple quote' so bear with me!

Ben- I've had a couple people say that they wouldn't commission my stuff from the written sketch but that they really like the end product. Kind of a compliment, I guess but at the same time makes me thing I'm missing something.

Nick - Thanks for that. Hadn't noticed. They don't really like my stuff on that site so bet I get lots of 'die' votes!

Bussellisian - Shot and edited by Chris Stevens. He's a legend I tells ya.

Quote: greensville @ March 3 2009, 10:31 AM GMT

Kind of a compliment, I guess but at the same time makes me thing I'm missing something.

View original

A knife held firmly against their testicles?

I got this as soon as I read it. The video looks very professional, well performed, well edited etc. Difficult to fault really. Do you ever film stuff written by other people? Hope so.