I have written a couple of scenes for a sitcom of mine. Will anyone please comment with some feedback on whether it's complete, fat free. What is it's chuckle level?

I will also be happy to hear any ideas on how it make it funnier.

thanks

Gary

SCENE 3. INT. COMMUNITY CENTRE OFFICE - DAY
CHRIS, HOLDING A LETTER, STARES INTO SPACE WITH A SCOWL.
CHRIS PACES AROUND THE DESK.
CHRIS WALKS TO THE WINDOW, LIGHTS A CIGARETTE, TAKES A LARGE DRAG AND BLOWS THE SMOKE OUTSIDE.
CHRIS FINISHES THE CIGARETTE THEN RE-READS THE LETTER.
CHRIS
Assholes!
CHRIS BANGS HER HEAD AGAINST THE WALL.
CHRIS
Sod it! I'll give up in the morning.
CHRIS LIGHTS ANOTHER CIGARETTE.
THE DOOR BURSTS OPEN. ANNE, A PLUMP ELDERLY WOMAN, APPEARS HOLDING A BUCKET OF WATER.
ANNE
(LOUDLY) Don't panic, Neil's called the firemen.
CHRIS
What?
ANNE TRIPS SENDING WATER EVERYWHERE.
CUT TO:

SCENE 4. INT. COMMUNITY CENTRE ENTRANCE - DAY
A FIRE ENGINE'S LIGHT FLASHES AGAINST THE WALL.
CHRIS STANDS NEXT TO A FIREMAN.
CHRIS
Once again, sorry we've wasted your time. I know how busy you lot are getting toes out of taps and stuff.
FIREMAN
Don't worry about it, we'll put the bill in the post.
CHRIS
Thanks!
FIREMAN
How's that old lady I passed on the stairs? She didn't look too good.
CHRIS
You mean Anne. She's fine, she's in the toilet drying her hair.
FIREMAN
As soon as I know she don't need medical assistance, we'll be on our way.
CHRIS
Well, you had better take a seat; the hand blower isn't the best.
CUT TO:

It's difficult to comment on these scenes in isolation - I don't know who these characters are, why they are behaving like that, or why I should care about what happens to them. What's in Chris' letter? Why does Anne call a fireman? I don't understand, so I don't laugh.

These scenes could work in the context of a wider sitcom, but there needs to be some build up.

Tell me a bit about your characters, and I can try and help.

I have added another scene (Scene 4). Does this make it clearer? Is there still more required to answer questions about what is going on?

Thanks for the help

SCENE 3. INT. COMMUNITY CENTRE OFFICE - DAY
CHRIS, HOLDING A LETTER, STARES INTO SPACE WITH A SCOWL.
CHRIS PACES AROUND THE DESK.
CHRIS WALKS TO THE WINDOW, LIGHTS A CIGARETTE, TAKES A LARGE DRAG AND BLOWS THE SMOKE OUTSIDE.
CHRIS FINISHES THE CIGARETTE THEN RE-READS THE LETTER.
CHRIS
Assholes!
CHRIS BANGS HER HEAD AGAINST THE WALL.
CHRIS
Sod it! I'll give up in the morning.
CHRIS LIGHTS ANOTHER CIGARETTE.
CUT TO:

SCENE 4. EXT. COMMUNITY CENTRE CAR PARK - DAY
NEIL, PUSHING A DUSTBIN, NOTICES SMOKE COMING OUT OF THE UPSTAIRS OFFICE WINDOW.
ANNE, A PLUMP ELDERLY WOMAN, PASSES PUSHING A TARTAN SHOPPING TROLLEY.
ANNE
Alright Neil.
NEIL
Look at that.
NEIL POINTS TO THE UPSTAIRS WINDOW.
ANNE
(PANICKING) Fire! You call the brigade, I'll get a bucket.
ANNE HOBBLES TOWARDS THE CENTRE.
CUT TO:

SCENE 5. INT. COMMUNITY CENTRE OFFICE - DAY
THE DOOR BURSTS OPEN. ANNE APPEARS HOLDING A BUCKET OF WATER.
ANNE
The firemen are on their way.
CHRIS
What?
ANNE TRIPS SENDING WATER EVERYWHERE.
CUT TO:

SCENE 6. INT. COMMUNITY CENTRE ENTRANCE - DAY
A FIRE ENGINE'S LIGHT FLASHES AGAINST THE WALL.
CHRIS STANDS NEXT TO A FIREMAN.
CHRIS
Once again, sorry we've wasted your time. I know how busy you lot are getting toes out of taps and stuff.
FIREMAN
Don't worry about it, we'll put the bill in the post.
CHRIS
Thanks!
FIREMAN
How's that old lady I passed on the stairs? She didn't look too good.
CHRIS
You mean Anne. She's fine, she's in the toilet drying her hair.
FIREMAN
As soon as I know she don't need medical assistance, we'll be on our way.
CHRIS
Well, you had better take a seat; the hand blower isn't the best.
CUT TO:

Quote: Mr MM @ July 11 2013, 5:18 PM BST

INT. COMMUNITY CENTRE OFFICE - DAY

CHRIS, HOLDING A LETTER, STARES INTO SPACE WITH A SCOWL. HE PACES AROUND THE DESK THEN WALKS TO THE WINDOW, LIGHTS A CIGARETTE & TAKING A LARGE DRAG, BLOWS THE SMOKE OUTSIDE.

HE FINISHES THE CIGARETTE THEN RE-READS THE LETTER.

CHRIS
Assholes!

HE BANGS HIS HEAD AGAINST THE WALL.

CHRIS
Sod it! I'll give up in the morning.

HE LIGHTS ANOTHER CIGARETTE.

EXT. COMMUNITY CENTRE CAR PARK - DAY

NEIL, PUSHING A DUSTBIN, NOTICES SMOKE COMING OUT OF THE UPSTAIRS OFFICE WINDOW.

ANNE, A PLUMP ELDERLY WOMAN, PASSES, PUSHING A TARTAN SHOPPING TROLLEY.

ANNE
Alright Neil.

NEIL
Look at that.

HE POINTS TO THE UPSTAIRS WINDOW.

ANNE
(PANICKING) Fire! You call the brigade, I'll get a bucket.

ANNE HOBBLES TOWARDS THE CENTRE.

View original

No funnier - but a lot easier on the eye.
The lack of line breaks makes your version virtually unreadable, as does the constant repetition of the characters name.
And you really don't need 'Cut To'
Or scene numbers, come to that.

CHRIS WALKS TO THE WINDOW, LIGHTS A CIGARETTE, TAKES A LARGE DRAG AND BLOWS THE SMOKE OUTSIDE.
CHRIS FINISHES THE CIGARETTE THEN RE-READS THE LETTER.

What do we viewers do meanwhile? Or did you mean one drag then he threw it away.

Where is it supposed to be funny?

Not being cruel, just honest.

Crying "FIRE!" on the strength of cigarette smoke isn't convincing, what if Chris set the letter alight, so flames are visible from below.

Then when Anne reaches the room she directs the bucketful of water straight at Chris... except it isn't water, it's piss.

Anne's not pushing a tartan trolley but an actual shopping trolley with all her earthly belongings, including her piss bucket. Which she needs cos pissing in the street is uncivilised. Right?
;-)

Ok the best advice I ever got on sitcom dialogue is it should sound like everyday dialogue, except it should be funny.

Now read back over your dialogue and see how it sounds. It's very stacat and descriptive.

e.g. every body sounds like a narrator so the whole thing sounds quite false and unfunny.

On the flip side; every woman character smokes her fag and sets off busy body to think it's the towering inferno, followed by annoyed fireman turns up is quite a good idea for a scene.

Just write it natural, like how people actually speak, but funny