I think the opening's all wrong and a bit on the nose, to be honest
You don't need to give all that backstory in one lump, allow it come out naturally through his interaction with the lodgers - we should discover why he's the man he is rather than have you tell us.
And actually it's his wife's lack of presence we want to see rather than her demise - we need to see that he's knocking about on his own in a big house.
Better to join the story half way through than to take it right back to the beginning.
People can cope with a lot less information than you think - better to confuse people for a few minutes than bore them for a few seconds.

I agree with Lazzard. It could start with him at his wife's grave, saying a few words. It's a bit short on jokes - in fact there aren't any that I can see, and people saying f**king all the while doesn't make up for it. It would help if you format it better, so that it looks like a script.

Hey, that's clever! I wrote f**king in full, and two little stars magically appeared!

Quote: beaky @ March 8 2013, 6:53 PM GMT

I agree with Lazzard. It could start with him at his wife's grave, saying a few words. It's a bit short on jokes - in fact there aren't any that I can see, and people saying f**king all the while doesn't make up for it. It would help if you format it better, so that it looks like a script.

Hey, that's clever! I wrote f**king in full, and two little stars magically appeared!

View original

Fair Do's looking back at it. It does look a bit rubbish I suppose. Cheers for the Feedback , beaky and Lazzard.
Do You think I should go away and re-write?

Yes, and repost when you've done.

Okay. Nigel Ball is assisting me on the script , guys so there will be a new script draft on the way soon.

Quote: Lazzard @ March 8 2013, 6:35 PM GMT

better to confuse people for a few minutes than bore them for a few seconds.

View original

Beautifully put.

Quote: gappy @ March 11 2013, 12:09 PM GMT

Beautifully put.

View original

I'm sure I probably read it somewhere.
Doesn't make it any less true, though!

Lodging House S01E01
Created By: G180e (Greg)
Episode 1 Written By: Nigel Ball
FADE IN:
INT. HOUSE - HALL - DAY - 1994
We see 50 year old TOM talking with the local balding, cowboy builder, TREV.
TREV
So we just call it five hundred and sixty squids for now then?
TOM
Five sixty? I thought we agreed on two forty?
TREV
Nar! It was five sixty now, and then another two forty on completion. Kids have gotta be fed ya know.
TOM
What you feedin um? Bloody caviar!?
Tom reluctantly takes his wallet out of his back pocket. He and takes a handful of notes out and begins counting them.
TREV
Oh, there is one more thing. Make sure you keep well away from the little hole in the wall. I've put a post it note next to it as a safety measure.
TOM
Don't you worry! I'll make sure the wife stays well away. She's one of those people who can't resist pressing the red button, if you get me.
Tom grins and holds out a handful of notes infront of Trev.
INT. HOUSE - FRONT ROOM - DAY
We see GLENDA, TOMS 50 year old wife looking curiously at a little hole in the wall. She reads the post it note that has been crudely gaffa tapped to the wall next to it.
GLENDA
Do not stick finger in hole!
Glenda very quickly pokes her finger in and out off the hole. Nothing happens.
INT. HOUSE - HALL - DAY
TOM opens the front door for TREV.
TOM
Seriously! I've got it, now git!
Trev grins.
TREV
Alright, I'll see you on Monday. Take it easy.
Trev shakes toms hand and walks out of the door. Tom slams the door shut, turns and walks towards the front room.
TOM
You take it easy on my wallet, ya Robbin bastard!
INT. HOUSE - FRONT ROOM - DAY
GLENDA is slightly bent over peering in to the small hole in the wall. She pokes her wet tongue out and sticks it in to the hole.
TOM (O.S.)
What you bloody doin!!
A big blue flash and Glenda is blown 20 feet backwards across the front room, landing at toms' feet with a burnt and smouldering face. Tom looks down at her shaking his head.
TOM
What have you done this time Glenda?
VOICE (O.S.)
Excuse me
(Beat)
Excuse me mate.
EXT. GRAVE YARD - GRAVE SIDE - LATE EVENING - PRESENT DAY
A man in his mid 30s, wearing a raincoat is tapping the shoulder of a 70 year old man asleep in a deck chair.
CHRIS
Eh fella, it's beginning to get dark. Are you ok?
70 year old TOM slowly opens his eyes and looks at Chris.
CHRIS
Its tom lodge aint it?
TOM
What?
(Beat)
It is yeah. Who the bollocks are you? Am I dead?
Chris chuckles.
CHRIS
Nar mate, you were here this morning when I cut through at nine A.M to put flowers on my dad's grave and you are still here at gone seven, so I thought I would see if you were ok.
TOM
Thanks lad.
Tom pores himself a brew from his flask. He looks up at Chris.
TOM
Want one?
CHRIS
Narr you're ok mate. You used to go to school with my mum, bonnie bunyip.
TOM
I remember Bonnie bunyip.
CHRIS
Half the f**kin town remembers my mum. She got married to your mate, Roy.
TOM
Roy? Oh! Roy, I didn't know he had a son.
CHRIS
Met a sad end really, being hit by that steam roller and that.
TOM
Roy's dead? A steam roller you say?
CHRIS
Yeah the chain on the crane snapped and sent the steam roller plummeting to the ground, squashing my dad flat.
Silence falls for a few moments. Tom looks confused.
TOM
I thought you meant he was actually hit by a steam roller. I was going to say, surly he could have got up and run away.
CHRIS
Don't be silly, he had no legs.
TOM
No legs, since when?
Chris grins at tom. Tom clicks on.
TOM
Arrr, you little shite! You're defiantly Roy's lad. He was shit at telling jokes aswell. Can you believe it's been nearly 20 years since our Glenda put her tongue in to that electrified hole?
CHRIS
Electrified hole?
TOM
Yep. the daft cow.
Tom and Chris laugh.
TOM
So where have you been all dressed up in ya suit? Court?
CHRIS
I've been trying to find a new room too rent. Got myself a new job and I need a place a little bit closer to town.
TOM
This could be your lucky day young man. I live 10 minutes away from town, and I've got two rooms up for grabs.
CHRIS
Really?
TOM
Yeah. really.
CHRIS
When can I come and view it?
TOM
Right now if you want.
CHRIS
Good! Cos this place is giving me the shits! Let's go.
Tom stands up. Chris quickly folds the deck chair up and carries it towards toms 1980s mini cooper. Tom quietly talks to Glenda's headstone.
TOM
I'll see ya soon love.
Tom excitedly taps Glenda's headstone, turns away and quickly walks towards his car.
INT. CAR - NIGHT
TOM and CHRIS are travelling in toms 1980s mini cooper. Chris is happily making hand gestures and singing. Think Eminem "the real slim shady" tom looks bemused.
TOM
Chris.
Chris stops singing.
CHRIS
What mate?
TOM
Do you know how irritating that song is?
CHRIS
Sorry.
Suddenly and without warning tom bursts out singing. Think: the police "Roxanne" Chris looks at tom with a look of utter fear then disgust.
EXT. DRIVEWAY - NIGHT
The 1980s mini clubman pulls on to the driveway at the home of tom. A small darkly dressed figure emerges from behind the bushes and stands infront of the car.
INT. CAR - NIGHT
TOM and CHRIS are shocked as they see the dark figure.
CHRIS
Who the fu...
Tom interjects.
TOM
Stupid person!
Tom slams the breaks on just in time. Standing in the headlights is a Goth chic, arms folded, chewing gum.
TOM
I forgot she was coming. That must be charlotte.
CHRIS
Whose charlotte?
(Beat)
Daughter of the antichrist?
TOM
She's here about one of the rooms.
CHRIS
Okey dokie, let's see which room Beelzebub wants.

Not sure why you've set this 20 years after his wifes death. It's ancient history by the time we join things, so has no relevance. So why open with it?
Can't help thinking you'd be better served if her death had been more recent - to get some emotional juice out of it. If not, drop the character altogether.
As a general note having people tell each other about funny things that happened in the past (steamroller) is never as effective as actually showing funny stuff happening now.

Quote: Lazzard @ March 16 2013, 4:11 PM GMT

Not sure why you've set this 20 years after his wifes death. It's ancient history by the time we join things, so has no relevance. So why open with it?
Can't help thinking you'd be better served if her death had been more recent - to get some emotional juice out of it. If not, drop the character altogether.
As a general note having people tell each other about funny things that happened in the past (steamroller) is never as effective as actually showing funny stuff happening now.

View original

You're never happy , Lazzard. I didn't write it so forward your complaints to Nigel Ball.

Bloody hell, he's taken the trouble to read the script and give you and Nigel Ball his valuable advice, and you take offence! Do you want constructive criticism, or not? And tell Nigel Ball to either use a spell checker or invest in a dictionary.

Quote: beaky @ March 16 2013, 8:21 PM GMT

Bloody hell, he's taken the trouble to read the script and give you and Nigel Ball his valuable advice, and you take offence! Do you want constructive criticism, or not? And tell Nigel Ball to either use a spell checker or invest in a dictionary.

View original

Yes , I appreciate it but it's just that his feedback is always negative when I know that this is an excellent script. I give up! I will still be writing this though , beaky as you're criticism is always constructive whereas Lazzard is just always a negative bugger!

Quote: G180e @ March 16 2013, 9:04 PM GMT

Yes , I appreciate it but it's just that his feedback is always negative when I know that this is an excellent script. I give up! I will still be writing this though , beaky as you're criticism is always constructive whereas Lazzard is just always a negative bugger!

View original

if you're looking for praise, close friends and relatives can always be relied on to make you feel better.
And, actually, on closer inspection, Beaky was more negative than I was (he was right BTW)
But if that's the way you feel, that's cool.
In it's current form it will really do you no favours to send this out.
But it's up to you.
It's always up to you.

Quote: Lazzard @ March 16 2013, 4:11 PM GMT

Not sure why you've set this 20 years after his wifes death. It's ancient history by the time we join things, so has no relevance. So why open with it?
Can't help thinking you'd be better served if her death had been more recent - to get some emotional juice out of it. If not, drop the character altogether.
As a general note having people tell each other about funny things that happened in the past (steamroller) is never as effective as actually showing funny stuff happening now.

View original

Time to set things straight with this. Half of the script is missing so you don't really find out why the scene at the beginning is relevant. and there is a lot of funny scenes throughout the complete script. I personally don't think telling people about " funny things that have happened in the past" is a bad thing because it draws a picture of the unseen charictors and a lot of people/writers do it.

I did tell G180 that if he pasted the script certain words might get mixed up and come out a little misspelled, but that's neither here or there at the moment. What you have to remember is, this is just an idea that he is throwing around and I am trying to help him on his way. It did only take me two days with no notes to put together, so there is plenty of room for improvement and I will help him as much as I can.

I hope Greg can put the rest of the script on so it fill's the gaps in.

Quote: beaky @ March 16 2013, 8:21 PM GMT

Bloody hell, he's taken the trouble to read the script and give you and Nigel Ball his valuable advice, and you take offence! Do you want constructive criticism, or not? And tell Nigel Ball to either use a spell checker or invest in a dictionary.

View original

I didn't ask for any criticism for this project I was just helping him get going. I haven't taken any offence to the criticism that you or lazzard gave! its part and parcel of the world of writing and I know this. But as far as this is concerned "And tell Nigel Ball to either use a spell checker or invest in a dictionary". You come across as an obnoxious tool!

Quote: Nigel Ball @ March 17 2013, 12:20 PM GMT

Time to set things straight with this. Half of the script is missing so you don't really find out why the scene at the beginning is relevant. and there is a lot of funny scenes throughout the complete script. I personally don't think telling people about " funny things that have happened in the past" is a bad thing because it draws a picture of the unseen charictors and a lot of people/writers do it.

I did tell G180 that if he pasted the script certain words might get mixed up and come out a little misspelled, but that's neither here or there at the moment. What you have to remember is, this is just an idea that he is throwing around and I am trying to help him on his way. It did only take me two days with no notes to put together, so there is plenty of room for improvement and I will help him as much as I can.

I hope Greg can put the rest of the script on so it fill's the gaps in.

I didn't ask for any criticism for this project I was just helping him get going. I haven't taken any offence to the criticism that you or lazzard gave! its part and parcel of the world of writing and I know this. But as far as this is concerned "And tell Nigel Ball to either use a spell checker or invest in a dictionary". You come across as an obnoxious tool!

View original

Cheers Nige. People just don't realise that things are not set in stone. I will be putting up the other bits as well.