Here is my first sketch I have ever attempted to write, it is a sort of satire on bureaucracy.

Newswomen: Thanks Dawn, on your new book 'How to eat your way through the Olympics'. Next on Karrin Island news a whale has been found on the beach, but have no fear, bureaucracy is on hand.

F/X Sea crashing against the shore, a few people chatting in the background.

Woman: Right everyone clear the area, we are from the council and we would like everyone to leave the beach, this beach is now a designated environment disaster zone.

Man: (on the phone) I need to order a coffin, yes errm the dimensions, 35ft long, 5ft wide and about as deep as the IMF pockets (Beat) Sorry why can't you deliver, its all on the taxpayer, ok then bye.

Woman: And people thought having a designated whale saving office in the city council was a waste of money.

Man: How we going to get rid of it? (beat) we could tow him back out into the sea.

Woman: Oh knowthat's far too cheap, we have got to do something big and expensive this is the first real case for this department.

Man: How about we bury it in the sand.

Woman: Ah, a little kid comes down to the seaside with his bucket and spade and decides to dig himself a hole, and what does he find a bloody great whale staring back at him, he will never be able to watch finding nemo again, Come on, its getting dark, lets go.

F/X next day, helicopter sounds.

Woman: What in the name of free willy?

Japanese voice: Ha ha we have stolen your whale.

Woman: That's not a whale that's Dawn French.

I dunno, for my first go I thought it was alright, all feedback welcome, however good or bad, mostly bad I suspect.

Presentation is horrible! (sorry)

It's an interesting idea. But don't introduce the actual joke, the more you foreshadow it the less funny it is.

You also need to be clearer about why people won't do it and you need to accelerate it.

e.g.

start sensible.

We'll tow it to sea

get sillier

We'll eat it

rdiculous

We'll make it an MP and fly it out on expenses

The twist punch is ok, but it doesn' grow from the actual sketch.

Sooty's right, not only does your opening line take all the fun out of building the joke, plus the editorialising of the newscaster - "luckily beurocracy is on hand" - doesn't sound right. The rest of the sketch has potential, definitely. I don't care for the punchline, though: I'm not offended, I just find "ha ha, fatty" gags very boring.

My advice - for what it's worth - is to make the premise sillier. Insted of it being a port authority, why not have it the Greater London Whale Management Committee, some sort of pet project/old boy's netwoprk blag for Boris? Finally they have a whale to deal with in Streatham, against all expectations, and they prove themselves to be completely incompetent in carrying out their role. Have fun with the half-arsed ideas they come up with.

nb please don't think we're beating on you callzum we reserve constructive critique for those who have hope.

You have hope.

But check out some of the wealth of topical stuff in critique.

Remember the laugh comes often from the audience finding stuff out by surprise.

WHat sootyj says. The material and the conceit is all there- now you just have to craft it.

Thanks for all the advice, as I said it was my first sketch, and my first satire sketch, I agree about the dawn french bit I can't tell if it is funny or just mean, my little bro found it funny but he is twelve so he laughs at coming of age. Anyway my main problem is I am politically inept and hardly care for the news, I read the other sketches, Recession Mechanic, Dave's Shed, Jesus at Leveson and didn't get any of the references so didn't find it funny, maybe I should have a scan over the sun.

Thanks again for all your advice, I'll try and jazz it up later and post it here but I always thought the shorter the better?

Hi Callzum, it's great to see a new writer submitting material. Live from Kirrin Island is intended to be a collaborative writing project with plenty of BCG writers contributing. You've got some great advice from forum members up above there. Probably best not rely on your bro for the ultimate test of humour! It's easy to fall into the cheap laughs trap (Eric Pickles is the equivalent in a political context) - but it just gets tedious.

Have a rewrite on this thread - and you never know
Alison

Quote: Callzum @ May 26 2012, 5:10 PM BST

my main problem is I am politically inept and hardly care for the news, I read the other sketches, Recession Mechanic, Dave's Shed, Jesus at Leveson and didn't get any of the references

View original

If you have no interest in current affairs, don't write topical satire, as it wil be a chore and probably won't turn out funny. The only way to write anything, comedy or not, is to write what you want to read/hear yourself. I think working out what that is can be as hard as working out how to do it, though

Hi Callzum

I'd try a rewrite based on gappy's advice about making the premise sillier. Writing is re-writing, after all and you'll find you mould something better. I've never rewritten anything and made it worse. Except for greetings cards cos it kind of leaves a lot of scrawl...

Dan

I don't know if anyone's pointed out to you the fact that Dawn French isn't actually fat anymore.

Quote: zooo @ May 28 2012, 3:23 PM BST

I don't know if anyone's pointed out to you the fact that Dawn French isn't actually fat anymore.

View original

Actually I have only ever seen her once when I saw her in one episode of The vicar of dileby, so I didn't know, anyway yeah it is a terrible cop out I have deleted that bit and will work on the sketch later this evening.

Hopefully this is a bit better, I believe it is still a satire on beurocracy, anyway thanks for all your advice. Hopefully I have formatted it better aswell.

NEWSWOMEN:
Next on Karrin Island news a dead whale has been found on the shore.

F/X Sea crashing against the shore, a few people chatting in the background.

WOMAN 1:
Right we are from the council and we would like everyone to leave the beach, this beach is now a designated environment disaster zone.

MAN:
(on the phone) I need to order a coffin, yes errm the dimensions, 35ft long, 5ft wide and about as deep as the IMF pockets, why can't you deliver, haven't got a hearse big enough, that's useless. (puts phone down) What we going to do with it, it smells worse than a TCP salesmen - We could tow it out to sea?

WOMAN 1:
Na, to cheap, we have got to something to impress, to entertain the locals.

MAN:
Put it on a barge and float it down the themes - Bury it?

WOMAN 1:
Ah, a little kid comes down to the seaside with his bucket and spade and decides to dig himself a hole, and what does he find a bloody great whale staring back at him, he will never be able to watch finding nemo again.

MAN:
Eat it?

WOMAN 1:
Na, I don't like fish and my ovens not big enough.

MAN:
Plat a maypole in it and call it the village green.

WOMAN 1:
Na, its a bit grey for that.

MAN:
I know we could turn it into a firework display.

F/X Plane's engines

WOMAN 1:
Na, we are under the flight path.

WOMAN 2: (Posh)
Excuse me, I am from the RSPCA hmmm, we wanted to check this whale was going to be treated with the respect and dignity it deserves.

MAN:
Yes, we were just discussing whether we should blow it up or harpoon it.

WOMAN 1:
Well I believe we should donate to the people of Africa.

WOMAN 2:
I thought they we're starving not suicidal.

MAN:
How we going to get it there, giant trampoline? (beat) Anyway how about we leave it and add it to the civil list?

WOMAN 1:
Why?

MAN:
I have always wanted a member of royalty living here.

THE END

It's better but the end is a little awkward.

I think you have to find a ridiculous answer, that still tentatively makes sense.

Maybe

1 It's too late. He's claimed assylum
2 It's too late; he's a rotten pile of stinking blubber ruining the beach. He's our new MP

Sorry if this is slightly off-topic, but what does the acronym 'KI' stand for?

Quote: Elevin @ June 3 2012, 7:06 PM BST

Sorry if this is slightly off-topic, but what does the acronym 'KI' stand for?

View original

Hi Elevin. It denotes a sketch submitted for Live from Kirrin Island. See the post referenced in my signature block below.
Alison