My own self-critique is that this had more potential than I managed to exploit. Its light on gags and wasn't a big enough story given the wealth of stuff that broke on Monday/Tuesday. But I did have fun writing it and can imagine it being performed. I took Dan's advice on show don't tell so stuffed it full of action! I also banked on them using a running gag of Peter Cruddas reappearing in sketches - but that didn't happen. The COMMANDER and LAWYER are women so can be peformed by the NJ cast. Any other thoughts are welcome.

JUSTIN:With the astronauts in the International space station taking to their emergency pod for the 3rd time in 12 years to avoid discarded space debris - such as reality TV celebrities - we can listen in live to the unfolding drama...

F/X:RADIO BEEP

COMMANDER:Hello Houston. We're all strapped in ready for any collisions. Stand by, we've got something incoming on the radar. This could be bad......

F/XPACE SHIP COLLISION WITH DEBRIS

F/X:ALARMS

F/X:RADIO BEEP

COMMANDER:Er Houston. We're still here. Resetting the master alarm now and checking for damage. I'll report...

F/X:KNOCK ON WINDOW.

COMMANDER:... Hang on. There's someone at the window.

F/X:WINDOW OPENS AND RUSH OF NOISE

LAWYER:Have you been struck by a piece of space debris that wasn't your fault?

COMMANDER:What?

LAWYER:I'm from space injury lawyers for you and we wan't to help you get the compensation you deserve.

COMMANDER:No. We're fully comp. Go away.

LAWYER:Can I just squeeze in. It's a bit dangerous out here with all this junk. (BEAT) Mind yourselves, coming through.

COMMANDERWITH SQUISHED NOSE) Ow that's my face.

LAWYER:Whoops sorry about that. What's this button do?

COMMANDERon't touch that.

F/X:ALARMS

F/X:RADIO BEEP

COMMANDER:Houston. We've lost primary power, and we have another proximity warning...

F/XPACE SHIP COLLISION WITH DEBRIS

F/X:KNOCK ON WINDOW.

COMMANDER:What now!

LAWYER:I'll get it.

F/X:WINDOW OPENS AND RUSH OF NOISE

KWIKFITSINGS) #Oh You can't get quicker than a Kwikfit fitter.

COMMANDER:What do you want?

KWIKFIT:Couldn't help notice you've got some trim missing and your exhaust looks loose. We can offer you a free safety check with absolutely no obligation to take our advice and save yourselves from certain death. I'm just saying like.

COMMANDER:No. We're under manufacturer's warranty. Close the bloody window, there's more debris coming.

KWIKFIT:Can I join you - move over darling. (GROANS ALL ROUND)

LAWYERi. Mind your spanner!

KWIKFIT:I haven't got a spanner. Ooh look out. Brace yourselves...

F/XPACE SHIP COLLISION WITH DEBRIS

F/X:KNOCK ON WINDOW.

COMMANDERh for God's sake.

F/X:WINDOW OPENS AND RUSH OF NOISE

CRUDDAS:Hello I'm Peter Cruddas. Can I interest you in dinner with David Cameron?

COMMANDER:No. (BEAT) Actually, can you get me in tonight?

CRUDDASf course. For 250 thousand pounds I'll drive you back right now in the Tory space mobile.

COMMANDER:Great. (BEAT) But how are you going to handle re-entry? It's pretty dangerous and we might have sustained damage.

CRUDDASh don't worry about that. We'll be using Nick Clegg as a heat shield - works every time.

END

I quite liked it, it's a nice idea, and a good angle on the Peter Cruddas thing.
I had the ISS debris story on my radar, but circumstances and time conspired against me this week.

It's maybe a little too long, but a quick edit would sort that. Trim some of the length and I think it could work nicely.

A couple of things I would've done differently. I would've done the KwikFit fitter as the AutoGlass guy. I think most people are familiar with the AutoGlass ads, as they seem to be all over TV at the moment (unlike KwikFit ads).

I liked the idea of the ending, but I don't think you've quite nailed it, maybe say something like, "Oh, we'll use Nick Clegg to take the heat, same as always..."

J

You could do with a stronger intro: maybe a couple of gags to set up rather than a clicheed celebrity one, especially as it's a lesser-known story so you have more 'explanation time'.

Well, you've certainly upped the action so very good there! I like your 'junk' angle with all the people, but I think the Injury lawyer and Kwik-Fit are a bit old hat for a topical show. If you could somehow make them more current it would probably work better. PPI misselling phone calls are a bit more current than injury lawyers for instance. No suggestions for Kwik-Fit though I still think it needs to be something else.

Needs a few more gags too, and the ending is okay but I reckon you could get a bigger laugh at the end somehow.

Dan

Hey you two. Really good advice as usual. Thanks for your thoughts - I fully agree about using something like Autoglass repair and PPI misellng. All seems so obvious now

This is a great idea and good sketch. Agree with other posters, needs to be a tiny bit shorter and have a stronger intro but otherwise really good. Missed out "it" on Cruddas's last line. The "heat shield" idea- good, but Clegg taking the blame for coalition criticism could be expressed a bit better. Maybe need to rework that ending.

Quote: BardManners @ April 12 2012, 2:08 PM BST

This is a great idea and good sketch. Agree with other posters, needs to be a tiny bit shorter and have a stronger intro but otherwise really good. Missed out "it" on Cruddas's last line. The "heat shield" idea- good, but Clegg taking the blame for coalition criticism could be expressed a bit better. Maybe need to rework that ending.

View original

Thank you Mr Manners. Last line fixed. I think it needed a "that". It's all fair comment. At some time I shall return to it and do the required polishing reflecting all the suggestions above.

Nice underlying idea, space claims/compensation, that could be used elsewhere to better effect I think.