What a comp...
Personally I'm not up for banning Kent Pete. I think he's made a tit of himself already and he probably ain't the first, plus no one takes this list as a matter of life and death. Let me know your thoughts please - feel free to PM me anyone (especially Aaron) so the thread doesn't go on for ever like last time. In the meantime...

I've gone over the results and the winners are JUDE and FRANKIE RAGE! You win 10 points each and an excuse to get rat-arsed. PM me for next week's subject please.

Votes - Points - Name
4 - 10 - Frankie Rage
4 - 10 - Jude
2 - 5 - Fred Peters
1 - 1 - Marion
1 - 1 - Tooting Jo

The new subject is NEW YEAR, chosen by Frankie Rage.

Rules:
One entry per person.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines.
Please try and only post your entry and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 2 Jan 2008!!!

Enjoy!

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

60 - Baumski
57 - Frankie
50 - Jude
40 - Charley Rance
23 - Fred Peters
22 - Michael Monkhouse
20 - Niteowl
20 - Lazzard
17 - Ellie
15 - Leevil
15 - Cinnamon
15 - Dale
11 - David Chapman
11 - Steven
10 - Swerytd
10 - Kent Pete
09 - ajp29
09 - ShoePie
08 - Stylo
05 - Nigel Kelly
05 - Greggles
05 - Happy Shopper
05 - Timothy Marshal-Nichols
05 - Rob B
05 - John Kelly
04 - Andy W
04 - losaavedra
02 - Imamazed
02 - Slack Bladder
02 - Paul Nash
02 - Boits
02 - Gavin
01 - Skibbington von Skubber
01 - Ginger Jesus
01 - Nick Rivers
01 - Daddy Maz
01 - Martin Bickle
01 - Hellboy
01 - Winterlight
01 - Batman
01 - Ray Dawson
01 - Marion
01 - Tooting Jo

Spot any mistakes? PM me. Thanks

Thanks to New Year madness I'm submitting my entry straight away!

MY NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS

1. I shall sustain an erection over the entire 'Grange Hill' DVD.
2. Every day I shall molest a lovable monkey.
3. I shall get a new style, a new image and a new right buttock.
4. I shall make the US legal system look as spotless as Pete Doherty's medical certificate.
5. I shall rerelease my classic 'Bad' album.

I agree about Kent Peter, Michael. I can see that that kind of behaviour can be a nightmare for forum administrators and risk bringing the whole thing into disrepute but I have two concerns ...

1. How can anyone be "sure" one person is both identities? I'm not a computer expert, but it seems to me the only thing that can be done is for a forum administrator to identify that the same computer is being used by two identities. Two people can use the same computer. I live with a comedy writer and she sometimes uses my computer and has gone onto a forum on another site I used to go on and comment on things, fortunately not mine. If she went on this and commented on or voted for mine, I could presumably be accused of the same. I know that this is the less likely scenario than the same person using two identities, but I don't see how someone can be "sure" it's the same person.

2. If it is the same person, in this case Kent Peter. I didn't read all his posts and wasn't a particular fan of his writing, but he seemed to be a genuine writer, not just some "troll". Creating another personality to write reviews is something that's been done by many writers in the past. Joe Orton wrote numerous letters to the national press in different personalities attacking and defending his work, in order to try to raise the profile of his writing, for example. If someone's caught out, suspend them for a short time and warn them about doing it again, but banning seems a bit harsh.

Having said which, I don't want to sound critical of all the hard unpaid work done by the administrators here. It's just I've seen sites where some of the most imaginative writers get banned when they start to get provocative. And with comedy writers that tends to come with the territory. It's a fine line between a forum being too critical and aggressive for a place where you'd want to put your writing and a place which is too cosy and incestuous. BSG strikes me as generally getting the balance right, but I'm not sure it is here.

We couldn't be certain John but based on the style of writing and his english we were pretty certain it was the same person.

As well as doing this on another forum previously (having personal experience) It seemed to be in his nature to do this.

Anyways I best enter something... I want to be up there with Kent Pete (but without voting for myself and being funny).

It's not the same as just using the same computer/i.p address, it's abusing it and that's what he was doing.

INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT

A doorbell rings. BILL, middle aged, dressed in scruffy casual clothes, goes to open it. On the doorstep are WALTER and MARY. They're dressed in party clothes and wearing red tea-towel head dresses. Mary carries a plate of seven fruits, Walter carries a flaming torch.

WALTER
Biji Newroz, my old mate! May the New Day be victorious till the old days!

MARY
I bring the 7 fruits of Haft Mewa. Just a little something I knocked up really, I do hope it's edible! I haven't cooked with the dried fruit of the Oleaster tree before...

Walter lays his torch down on the carpet.

WALTER
Excuse me, Billy!

Bill steps to the side so Walter can jump over the fire, singing loudly.

WALTER
Zardî-ye man az to, sorkhî-ye to az man, Zardî-ye man az to, sorkhî-ye to az man!

He stops his fire dance.

WALTER
Eh, Bill? 'My yellowness for you, your redness for me.'

BILL
Anne..? Walter and Mary are here..! Do come on in.

INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

They sit on comfy sofas. Walter, Anne and Bill watch as Mary is unpacking various gifts from her handbag.

MARY
It's nothing much, just the 7 items of Haft Sin.

On the coffee table are lit candles, a mirror, decorated eggs, berries, vinegar, she gets a goldfish in a bag out next. She points to some of the items in explanation.

MARY
For enlightenment and happiness, life within life, etc etc. I couldn't get lentil sprouts in Sainsburys. Linda McCartney pate will have to do.

BILL
Would you like a cup of tea. Um, or we may have beer I think..?

WALTER
I must say Bill, I admire your ingenuity. You always come up with something different - an Iranian theme for New Years... Well done to you both!

ANNE
It'll have to be tea, sorry we're all out of beer.

WALTER
Ooops! Never mind. As long as you've got the Kookoo sabzi!

MARY
And the problem-solving nuts!

Anne and Bill exchange glances. They sadly shake their heads.

ANNE
Perhaps you'd like a biscuit?

WALTER
Disappointing... We went to all this effort...

BILL
We just wanted a quiet night for New Year for a change. Iranian New Year isn't till March 21st. Do you want to watch telly?

Bill switches on a DVD. He plays 'Bergerac' dubbed into Iranian.

John, is Ian Huntley a murderer? There were no eye-witnesses.

Quote: Aaron @ December 27, 2007, 3:15 PM

John, is Ian Huntley a murderer? There were no eye-witnesses.

View original

I don't doubt Huntley is a murderer. You clearly don't need eye-witnesses to prove a crime. In Huntley's case there was an array of forensic evidence as well as his own admissions. I just wondered whether there was such certainty here, even if it was the most likely explanation. If there's some evidence he did it before on other sites,that obviously helps to prove it. That was the sort of thing I was wondering about. Even then, as Paul fairly points out, it still doesn't make it sure. Also doesn't answer the question as to whether the punishment fits the crime.

Well, there are a number of factors involved, only a small number of which have been in public. One can rarely be 100% certain, but it's beyond any reasonable doubt. Bottom line though, he broke the rules, and has been punished accordingly.

Quote: Aaron @ December 27, 2007, 3:15 PM

John, is Ian Huntley a murderer? There were no eye-witnesses.

View original

Now look Aaron - this isn't a discussion thread. It's a competition one. That's 2 warnings today. One more and you're out.

Ext. Front Door of Simon’s house

Mr Jones is hammering furiously at the front door. Eventually it opens and reveals Simon.

Simon: Oh Hello, Mr Jones.

Mr Jones: Is that it? Is that it?!

Simon: Well, yeah, you’ve never told me your first name before.

Mr Jones: I didn’t mean that you cocky young whippersnapper.

Simon: Oh sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you! Now, what did you want? Just that, we’re in the middle of our New Years Eve party; I was just about to serve the punch up.

Mr Jones: Oh believe me, if I had my way it would be ME serving up the punch.

Simon: Riiiiiiight. So what did you come round for?

Mr Jones: I’ve come to complain.

Simon: What about?

Mr Jones: You’re little soiree

Simon: My what?

Mr Jones: Your SOIREE! It’s French for gathering!

Simon: Oh, our little party. Well, we did warn you there might be some noise, but I think we’ve been fairly quiet so far.

Mr Jones: That’s precisely the problem. Where’s the loud music? The cheering? The hooting? The vomiting? The sounds of passionate procreation?!

Simon: Well, up to now we’ve just been playing Monopoly.

Mr Jones: Monopoly? Monopoly?!

Simon: Yeah.

Mr Jones: Well you can rest assured that you’ve RUINED my New Years Eve.

Simon: How?

Mr Jones: Because tonight is the perfect night for lonely busybodies like me to moan. I can hardly ring the police up about some ‘loud board games’ next door, can I?!!

Simon: (GETTING ANGRY) That’s what you want is it? You want me to go inside and put on some Motorhead and bang it up to 11?!

Mr Jones: Ah, now, some impromptu Motorhead I would have liked. I could have got myself into a right state over that, but (SHAKES HEAD) the element of surprise has been lost.

Simon: You never have got over your wife’s suicide, have you?

Mr Jones: No. Now, I think the best thing for you to do would be to invite me in.

Simon: Mmmmm, nah.

Simon slams the door shut.

Mr Jones: Damnit.

I really can't think of anything... so!

SCENE. INT. SCHOOL. NIGHT.

There's a banner that says “Special School New Year Party 2007” hanging over the sports hall.

The headmaster is standing on stage.

HEADMASTER
Ok guys we’ve been practicing all year now lets see if we can get this right!

The crowd start counting.

CROWD
10, 9, 8, 7… 5, 19, 12, Cheese, 1 – Happy Birthday Mr Turner!

Everyone claps and cheers.

HEADMASTER
(Exhales) Near enough.

END.

Scene- Bridge of the Starship Enterprise. Enter Mr Spock who stands at his station.

Kirk:[Pressing communicator button] To all crew, you maybe aware that we are in mortal danger. There are two Klingon war birds flanking the Enterprise as I speak.

[There is a burst of laughter from somewhere on the bridge. Kirk looks around puzzled.]

Kirk: There is a Romulan battle cruiser just hours away.

[Another burst of laughter. Kirk stands and looks around bridge. There is another giggle. It is coming from Spock. Kirk walks over]

Kirk: Mr Spock, is that you.....laughing?

Spock: Technically yes Captain.

Kirk: Spock....why?

Spock: It's my new aural implants captain.

Kirk: Aural implants?

Spock: Yes. Lately I've been hearing terribly high pitched whining and incoherent voices at night. It turns out I've been picking up BBC Radio Six Music. Dr McCoy said it was a potentially fatal condition and I needed new aural implants straight away.

Kirk: My God Spock!

Spock: The only donor available was from Species MMVIII.

Kirk: Not Species MMVIII.

Spock: Yes, a Graham Norton audience member.

Kirk: But they'll laugh at anything!

Spock: I can't control them captain, they seem to have a life of their own. I will of course step down from my postion as Science Officer.

Kirk: Spock, Spock. We all have our little faults. Chechov can't say his 'v's. Uhuru is a crack addict and I have to play TJ Hooker.

Spock: Thanks....Jim.

Kirk: It's alright Spock, you just have happy new ears.

[Diet information: That sketch was corn fed.]

Int. Lounge - New Years Day

We see a typical suburban, middleclass lounge. TV in corner, Settee, Armchair. Present is FRANK,87, and TOMMY,24. TOMMY is FRANK'S grandson. From another room we can hear someone washing dishes.

TOMMY: Well, happy new year grandad.

TOMMY gets up and walks over to give his grandad a hug.

FRANK: Eh?

FRANK cups his hand over his hearing aid to pick up his grandsons voice better.

FRANK: Slaphappy gondolier gonad?

TOMMY looks confused.
TOMMY: Are you ok?
FRANK: Eh? Baa ewe foreplay?
TOMMY: Jesus. Mum! Come here theres something wrong with grandad!

ENTER MARY she comes in from washing dishes.

MARY: What is it tommy?
TOMMY: It's grandad, he's talking gibberish.
MARY: Oh, I didn't want you to find out like this tommy. I'm afraid your grandad has been like this for some time.
TOMMY: What is it? Parkinsons? Alziemers?
MARY: No, your grandad, Tommy...

CLOSE UP on TOMMY and MARY.
TOMMY: Yeah!
MARY: is a c**t.

LONGVIEW SHOT of the three of them. FRANK is out of his chair dancing, pulling faces and giving them the finger.
END.

INT. DAY. PUB. TWO MEN (STEVE AND JIM) TALKING.

STEVE : Another year over, another one begins Jim. I am going to make a start.

JIM: I’ve stopped making starts a long time ago.

STEVE: A year ago to this very day last year I made a good start.

JIM: But then you stopped. You need to stop at nothing to make a good fresh start.

STEVE: I started afresh, but It was too stop-start.

JIM: Sure, this year’s start won’t be any different Steve.

STEVE: Well, if I pull out all the stops it might.

JIM: Bullshit, you’ll start at the end and work forwards as always, stopping before you start.

STEVE: Only a fool stops what he’s started.

JIM BRINGS OUT GUN AND FIRES IT UPWARDS TO PUB CEILING.

STEVE: What the f**k?

JIM: This is a starting pistol, start buying some bloody drink and stop talking crap.

ENDS.

PLEASE DONT ANYONE TAKE OFFENCE! THIS IS MEANT IN JEST OK.

Dave Chapman
Can anyone loan me a walking frame for the New Year.

Aaron
You were supposed to put a question mark after that.

Charley
Ahhhh! Poor packet O Crips David. I can fax you over a rambling thermometer. That may help. PS Can you not use your erection.

AJP
I have a black friend now. He might have one. I will ring up my new black friend & ask. I like my new black friend. I am not mentioning the word black to much am I. Its just that I am so excited about my new black friend.

Leevil
I have a bear & turtle sandwich you can have.

Zooo
Get a wheelchair Dave. I can take you to the top of a hill & give you a mighty Boosh. You will go weeee weeeee weee all the way home.

Mark
What does walking frames have to do with comedy David.

Aaron
Question mark Mark.

AJP
I can loan you my new black friend David. Did I tell you I have a new black friend.

Marion
I cant believe that Leevil eats Bears. The Bastard.

Michael Monkhouse
Look I am going to close this comp 3 days earlier than you all reckon. Motherf**kers!

Skib
Will you be funnier with a walking frame Dave.

Aaron
The f**king question marks you bunch of thick C***S!

Eat My Shirts
I hate you David. I hate your style. I hate your clothes & you smell.

Baumski
The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died. David is gonna die. Dido must be f**king shitting herself.

Jude
If I had one David I would loan you it. However I lent it to Ellie for her f**ked up ankle. I am sure the bitch thinks I said she can keep it. How about a nice gothic style walking stick.

Ellie
That’s right Jude. Its mine now. Here David I can do you a voice over in the style of a walking frame.

Roscoff
Sorry chap. I cant I am knee deep in Charley’s vagina. Might not be out for weeks.

Jacparov
Do you need a hand in there Roscoff mate.

Dave Chapman
He will need several! 6ft wide that thing.

Gavin
I think I may have been drinking. Not sure though.

Shoepie
I can do you an animated walking frame David.

Kent Pete
I don’t have one but let me ask myself. Do you, nope, do you, nope, do you, nope, do you, nope, do you, nope. Sorry Mate I don’t have any.