INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT
SAT IN THE DARK, MARTIN TRAWLS THE NET FOR PORN. HE SELECTS A CLIP AND SETS IT STREAMING.
ON SCREEN, GIANNA OPENS THE DOOR TO A BURLY PLUMBER.
PLUMBER:
I've come to see to your plumbing.
GIANNA:
Thank God you're here, everything's soaking wet.
THE PLUMBER CHECKS UNDER THE SINK.
PLUMBER:
The ballcock. It needs screwing.
GIANNA:
How about you make it tight with your big tool?
SIGHING, MARTIN HITS FAST-FORWARD. HE WHIZZES BY MORE CORNY CHIT-CHAT UNTIL THE ACTION MOVES TO THE BEDROOM AND GIANNA BEGINS STRIPPING. MARTIN RAPIDLY HITS PLAY AND MAKES HIMSELF COMFORTABLE BUT, WHEN THE PICTURE STARTS UP AGAIN, GIANNA IS UNDER THE BEDSHEETS, ARMS FOLDED AND LOOKING DIRECTLY THROUGH THE SCREEN AT HIM.
GIANNA:
(ANGRY) What the hell was that?
MARTIN:
Eh?
GIANNA:
That's right, I'm talking to you. You in the Thundercats T-Shirt!
MARTIN LOOKS DOWN AT THE THUNDERCATS LOGO ON HIS CHEST.
GIANNA (CONT):
How are you meant to know what's going on in the story when you don't pay attention to the dialogue? Do you do this with all your films? That copy of Goodfellas over there – did you skip the "funny like a clown?" scene just so you could see Pesci get shot at the end? Huh?
MARTIN:
No, I was just…
GIANNA:
…I know what you were doing - you were forwarding to the love scene is what you were doing!
MARTIN:
Love?
GIANNA:
Yes, "love". Maybe you're not familiar with it, you grubby little bastard, but it means something to the rest of us!
MARTIN:
Look, I don't mind! Do the dialogue! Just finish the scene!
GIANNA:
(WRYLY) Oh, how very generous of you! What a treat for us!
MARTIN:
I didn't mean it like th…
GIANNA:
Forget it! (SIGHING) Look, I don't know about you but this has given me a headache.
LYING NEXT TO HER, THE PLUMBER NODS IN AGREEMENT.
GIANNA (CONT):
Goodnight and sweet dreams, mister pervy man.
SHE TURNS OFF THE BEDSIDE LAMP AND MARTIN'S COMPUTER GOES OFF WITH IT, LEAVING HIM IN DARKNESS. HE SCRABBLES AROUND BEFORE TURNING ON AN ANGLEPOISE.
STOOD BEHIND HIM NOW IS THE PLUMBER, STARK BOLLOCK NAKED.
PLUMBER:
Bite down hard, son, I'm coming in dry.
END SKETCH
