Based on an American comedian's 'You know you're a redneck when...', I have attempted to put together a truly British list to indentify the scum.

Let me know how accurate my guide is and (God forbid) if it pertains to you in any way.

You know you are scum if -

1. You have more then 1 tattoo - extra scum points if your tattoos are homemade, mispelt and appear on your face, breast or neck.

2. You borrow your child's bike to go to the off license - extra scum points if you are already drunk whilst riding the bike or if your child is riding tandem.

3. You throw your litter out of the car window - extra scum points if you do this in McDonald's car park after going through the Drive Thru. Maximum scum points if you are parked next to the bin at the McDonald's car park and still throw your litter out the window.

4. Your 3 month old daughter has her ears pierced - extra scum points if you then add additional jewellery or dress her in a 'Porn Star' t-shirt.

5. You have an ASBO - extra scum points if you have a Super ASBO, a curfew and are electronically tagged. Maximum scum points if you then break the Super ASBO and get caught selling drugs in the town centre.

6. When your criminally violent son has been tragically murdered in a knife fight, you utter the phrase 'Well, he was no angel, but he was a good boy'. Extra scum points if you start a foundation or campaign off the back of his death.

7. Your best shirt is a football jersey. Extra scum points if you wear it on holiday in a foreign country. Maximum scums points if you wear it to a formal occassion like a funeral or wedding.

8. You want to be famous despite having no talent. Extra scum points if you appear on any reality show. Maximum scum points if you marry another scumbag from the same reality show and sell your wedding to the glossy magazines.

9. You freely urinate wherever and whenever the mood takes you. Extra scum points if you urinate outside during the day and your sober. Maximum scum points if you urinate in a corner of the garden during a barbeque.

10. Your house has wheels. Extra scum points if your 'travelling' home hasn't left the same spot for 30 years. Maximum scum points if you are asked to move 300 yards up the road to make way for the Olympics, are given loads of money and offered a new home - and you still complain about it.

You spell your child's name with more than two vowels in a row.

Phew.
I'm just okay on that one.

I had the baby's nipples pierced - does that make me scum? She wasn't my baby.

Did you do it with your teeth?

Quote: zooo @ March 16 2009, 4:55 PM GMT

Did you do it with your teeth?

View original

Maybe a little.

You have Jeremy Kyle on speed dial. Do I get a prize for a rhyme?

You're the kind of person who agrees with Gordon Brown when he's being a bit racist.

You use the word like at the beginning of more than one consecutive sentence.

You float on the surface of a cup of tea made with water froma a poorly descaled kettle.

You've got 3 mobiles and none with credit.

You're dog's smarter than you.

You're doing a course at college that's pre pre pre GCSE and involves you rapping badly for a depressed youth worker.

###7. Your best shirt is a football jersey. Extra scum points if you wear it on holiday in a foreign country. Maximum scums points if you wear it to a formal occassion like a funeral or wedding.###

and extra. extra points if you support Liverpool

Quote: David Bussell @ March 16 2009, 4:54 PM GMT

I had the baby's nipples pierced - does that make me scum? She wasn't my baby.

View original

Lolz and indeed Rofl

Glad to see others adding to the list, once we have enough identifying characteristics, we can begin internment and start building the 'showers'.

You know you are scum when...

You are a white kid living 30 miles away from the nearest black community, yet you call everyone 'blood', brag about shooting people and dress like a rapper.

You buy a 10 year old hatchback and spend £30,000 'modding' it. When asked why you didn't just buy a nice £30,000 car, you reply 'Cuz I don't want to be like everyone else innit, you know, unique, blood'. Your irony is then lost as you spend every weekend with other 'modders' copying everything they do to their cars and trying to fit in with everyone else.

You brag about how tough your housing estate is, even when miles away from it. 'You ever heard of the Scumbridge estate in Loughborough pal? Me and me crew ran that estate blood'

You've uttered the expession 'Do you think you're better then me?'

Quote: sootyj @ March 16 2009, 5:08 PM GMT

You've got 3 mobiles and none with credit.

View original

Spot on.

...you dis immigrants for taking the jobs that you have never applied for while on the social.

Can anyone explain the fashion thing of neds tucking their trackie bottoms into their socks? Escapes me.

Quote: Balf @ March 16 2009, 5:35 PM GMT

Can anyone explain the fashion thing of neds tucking their trackie bottoms into their socks? Escapes me.

View original

Hides the electronic tag?

You earn so little you can't even afford to print a script out.

Your pitbull has a row of children drawn on its side.