THE ALL NEW BSG COMEDY COMPETITION - 21/5

COMP CLOSED! COMP CLOSED! COMP CLOSED! COMP CLOSED! COMP CLOSED! COMP CLOSED!

START VOTING IN THIS THREAD! VOTING ENDS WEDNESDAY 30th

Welcome to the all new sketch competition with your host, Leevil!

“What’s new?” I hear you cry. Well not that much really. There will now be the option to submit any style you want, not just sketches.

A weekly theme will be chosen and you must produce an original sketch, gag, lyric, image. But no audio or video for now.

1 vote will earn you 1 point.

You may only submit one entry a week, but it can be edited as many times as you want up until the closing date.

THIS WEEKS WINNER(S): Stylo & losaavedra

THIS WEEKS LEADER BOARD:

1. 03 - Stylo
1. 03 - losaavedra
2. 01 - Ginger Jesus
2. 01 - Nick Rivers
2. 01 - Leevil
3. 00 - Everyone else!

THIS WEEKS TOPIC: - WILDLIFE

COMPETITION CLOSES: Monday 28th May

CURRENT OVERALL LEADER BOARD:

Position - Points - Name
1. 09 - ajp29
1. 09 - ShoePie
2. 08 - Leevil
3. 05 - Swerytd
3. 05 - David Chapman
3. 05 - Charley Rance
4. 04 - Andy W
5. 03 - Stylo
5. 03 - losaavedra
6. 02 - Imamazed
6. 02 - Slack Bladder
6. 02 - Paul Nash
7. 01 - Ginger Jesus
7. 01 - Nick Rivers
7. 01 - Daddy Maz
8. 00 - Everyone Else!

Good Luck!

Gonna post a joke because I can't think of a sketch at the moment. Might change this later.

"My neighbour, she's a superstitious lady. The type of person who will duct tape black cats to ladders outside my bedroom door when she's annoyed at me. Anyway, the other day she said to me - "Ooh, there were three crows in your front garden this morning, that's a sign of good luck". I said - "No, that's a sign my cat died."

Surely I should be number one on the basis of alphabetical order, I demand a recount.

Shoepie has been at number one for weeks, without even entering, if I remember correctly.

Here goes...

ANIMATION IN THE LIVING ROOM

A very animated sketch

Close-up of Road-Runner.

Road-Runner: Beep-Beep, beep-beep, beep…

Open up to show Wile E. is shagging him up the arse.

Road-Runner (exhausted): Beeeeppp…

Laughter (off).

Open up to show teenager watching on telly.

Teenager (laughing): Whaddayathink Tom?

He looks over to Tom, who’s roasting Jerry over a spit.

Tom (posh): Rather droll. Your tuppence worth Sylvester?

Sylvester is chopping Tweety up and chucking the slices into his mouth.

Sylvester: Dee-lisssccchhh-ious!

Dissolve.

Road-Runner is lying on a psychatrist’s couch.

Voice: And then?

Road-Runner: Then I woke up and I realised – it’d all just been a terrible sketch.

Out of the back catalogue:

============
Real Rabbit
============

EXT. WOODS BY A ROAD. NIGHT.

PARTY CAN BE HEARD INSIDE A LOG CABIN. VERY SHORT MAN DRESSED AS A RABBIT IS BUNDLED OUTSIDE BY A COWBOY AND WONDER WOMAN.

RABBIT:
(IRATE) ... and if *one* more person says I look like a *real* rabbit...

AN EAGLE SWOOPS DOWN, PICKS HIM UP AND FLIES OFF SQUAWKING. AN INFLATABLE CARROT FLOATS DOWN IN FRONT OF THE TWO ONLOOKERS, WHO LOOK AT EACH OTHER, SHRUG AND RETURN TO THE PARTY.

END

Dan

EXT. FENCE/POND - DAY

An infant class are having a pond-dipping session at a large pond on a glorious summer day.

A male teacher, MR HALL, stands by a nearby fence, looking at a pond creature identification book.

A small boy, TOMMY runs up to him, breathless.

TOMMY
Sir! Come quick! James has fallen in!

Mr. Hall rolls his eyes.

MR HALL
Not again... I'll be there in a minute.

TOMMY
But Sir...

MR HALL
I said in a minute!

With a sigh, Tommy turns and heads back to the pond.

Mr. Hall continues looking at the book for a moment, unperturbed.

At last, he heads off to the pond.

EXT. POND - DAY

Tommy runs to greet Mr. Hall.

TOMMY
We tried to get him out Sir, but he's too heavy!

MR HALL
It's alright Tommy... I'm here now.

Rolling up his trouser-legs, he wades into the pond, where a middle-aged adult male in a suit floats face down.

Mr. Hall drags him out onto the bank, and we see the man is holding onto a bottle of whiskey.

With a splutter, the man comes to, and smiles up at Mr Hall.

MR JAMES
(slurring)
Ah, Hall! I was trying to chill my whiksey(sic) down and I toppled in.

Mr. Hall crossly grabs the bottle from Mr. James.

MR HALL
Quite... but I don't think you're setting a very good example to the
children, Headmaster... you know they're not allowed to go into the
water.

With that, Mr. Hall unscrews the lid of the whiskey, and takes a large slug of it.

MR HALL
(to class)
Now children, we're going to empty out Mr James' shoes, and see if he's
caught anything.

CHILDREN
(together)
Yay!

EXT.LARGE FOREST.DAY

JIMMY IS RUNNING FROM LOADS OF ANIMALS THROUGH THE FOREST THEN BUMPS INTO OLD MAN SAM WHO IS PRETTY DECREPID LOOKING AND SOUNDS LIKE AN OLD TIME AMERICAN PROSPECTER

JIMMY:
(BREATHLESS) Oh christ! all the animals are chasing me for no

apparent reason old man Sam, what should I do?.

OLD MAN SAM:
Well Jimmy, you can keep running in the hope that you'll get away

from them someday, or, my chunky looking friend, you can take this

shotgun and start pumping away.

JIMMY:
(SERIOUS)Gimme the god damn shotgun Sam.

OLD MAN SAM THROWS JIMMY THE SHOTGUN THEN GETS HIS OWN OUT, THEY BOTH COCK THEM AT THE SAME TIME

JIMMY:
Lets gun the bastards down!.

OLD MAN SAM:
Sounds good Jimmy.

THE ANIMALS COME RUNNING TOWARDS THEM THROUGH THE TREES THEN THEY BOTH OPEN FIRE MOWING DOWN LOADS OF ANIMALS IN THE PROCESS

JIMMY:
ARRRGGHH! Take that you arse sniffing grass eating mother f**kers!!.

OLD MAN SAM:
That'll teach ya to chase my over weight friend!.

JIMMY:
Alright Sam whats with the insults, atleast I don't sound like an old

time American prospecter you wrinkly old wanker.

OLD MAN SAM:
Oh im sorry Jimmy, it's been a hard week, someone stole my washing

line and just as I thought I was getting back to normal health I came

down with another bout of iritable bowl syndrome.

JIMMY:
Urgh.

THE SHOOTING FINALLY STOPS

JIMMY:
Hahaha, that'll teach those animal scum not to mess with old Jimmy

ever again. (SNIFFS) What the hells that smell?.

OLD MAN SAM:
(SNIFFS) It smells like a fire.

JIMMY LOOKS AND SEE'S A FOREST FIRE IN THE DISTANCE

JIMMY:
Oh shit, its a bastard forest fire, and its coming this way! The

animals weren't chasing me, they were running from there impending

doom, which is pretty ironic as they actually died through the barrel

of my snazzy looking shotgun.

OLD MAN SAM:
Well Jimmy, there's nothing left to do now accept to gather all these

juicy looking animals up before the fire gets here and make a nice

meat stew.

JIMMY:
(SMILES)Your a crazy old bastard Sam, but you do make a nice meat

stew. Come on then, lets put these corpses to good use.

JIMMY AND OLD MAN SAM START PICKING UP ALL THE DEAD ANIMALS

END

Not entering a fantastic cartoon then Jonny?

I thought about it Lee, but then I thought my writing would be more than enough to describe the crazy world that Jimmy and Old man Sam live in and leave the rest to your imagination.

Quote: Stylo @ May 24, 2007, 1:37 PM

EXT. FENCE/POND - DAY

With that, Mr. Hall unscrews the lid of the whiskey, and takes a large slug of it.

View original

Is that slug the wildlife?

Quote: David Chapman @ May 24, 2007, 8:46 PM

Is that slug the wildlife?

View original

Yep!

Right this is silly but I don’t care. I just want to enter the comp.
WILDLIFE!!!!!

All the animals of the world are assembled in the congo for a meeting.
First up is a tigress.

TIGRESS
I have come today to discuss my issues. The only problem I have is with the male lions. They think they can just have you with not so much as a “Please may I”. Here is an example. I was in the middle of a spectacular hunt. There I was crouched down watching a very yummy gazelle when all of a sudden, with absolutely no warning at all, a male, a very big male, jumped me, bit my neck and entered me. Bang bang bang he went. The episode did not last long, and was over before I even had a chance for any enjoyment from this rape.

(All the fellow Tigress’s nod and roar in approval). Typical males they chorous.

TIGRESS
It is just not on. I am taking a feminine stand here. Needless to say I ended up with no dinner and 6 cubs to look after. I have rights you know.

(Jackal the judge writes in his notebook ).

JACKAL
Ok madam your point has been noted & will be dealt with later, who is next.

SKUNK
Right my problem is the discrimination. The animal kingdom is both racist, sexist and smellist. My problem is that I am both black and white also that yes I do let off a whiff but it is for a reason. Every time I encounter an animal that is not a skunk they cover there nose and call me names. I know it is coz me has black in me sometimes, Bro and others coz me have white, Mate. I just want to live in equality.

(All the fellow skunks chorous “Yo and Yep”

JACKALL
(Uncovers his nose, takes a deep breath, speaks quickly) Okay Madam, your point has been noted & will be dealt with later. Next.

GAZELE
My problem is with them Tigress’s. They pick us off one by one. Eg, my baby was gobbled up 2 months ago (starts to cry) & the thing is I come into season straight away. Then I am gang banged and knocked up again before I know it. I want to know if we can just get a list together of the old, infirm, ill and the Gaz’s we don’t like and they can just murder and eat them. The Crocodiles aren’t a problem so much as we always put those I have just mentioned on the front line.

(all the Gazelles skip and bounce their approval)

JACKAL
Okay Sir, noted. Next.

Gecko
(The gecko gets up in his red bandanna wearing his Gangs of Maldives T shirt) My problem is weev those Humanz. They are dis gusssss teen. Eg. Me findz a nice beach bungalow and move me family in. Then these fookin humanz gate crash and we hav to go into hidingz. We hav to see there ugly naked bodies in ze showers and they chase us to blind us wiv there cameraz. We try to threaten them wiv our bull dog stanz but they just larf at us and nearly tread on us. I saw one particular female in ze showers last week. Urghhhhhhhhhhhhh, I have ze nightmarz all the times. So ogly with her white red and brown bodez, she saw me and ran around my house like a crazed lunachick clicking away and squealing when I ran nearz her. Me thinks she wanted to have me. Urghhhhhhh, Ewwwwwwww, dirty beech. She hav thiz fing between her legz look like a fellow lizardz tongue. I dont wantz to be leevin in herz bodiez like poor lizardz.I saw poor lizardz tongue flapping about trying to get ze fliez. Diz gusssss teen.My wifez she drop dead wiv shock.

(all the animals are on their feet claping their approval) Bastard humans.

I think you're very mean to those poor geckos you evil woman.

I'd better get my finger out and do something this time. Didn't get around to it last time.

Thought I'd enter. Apologies to Charley R for similarities regarding wildlife and meetings...it wasn't intentional.

A field near some bushes. A load of animals are gathered for a hastily convened meeting, including ferrets, toads, stoats, rats, squirrels and various others. Chairing said meeting is Brian the badger. Behind him scribbled in barely eligible writing is a sign reading ‘Wildlife Men’s Club WMC’.

BRIAN THE BADGER: Now then I appreciate you all turning up at such short notice. This won’t take long.

FRANK THE FERRET: That writing of yours is terrible Brian. Have you been on the sauce again?

BRIAN: Have you actually seen my claws? I’m lucky I could pick the f**king pen up. Ok, the reason we are here is that it’s time for us to convene and discuss if we still want the Lion to be the king of the jungle.

SIMON THE SQUIRREL: Oh not this again.

BRIAN: I’m afraid so, it’s up for renewal.

SIMON: Jesus Christ Brian. You’re always calling us together to discuss the stupidest of things. Last week it was ‘who would survive the longest if run over by a childs bike’, and now this. There’s no point.

BRIAN: And why is that? Pre tell.

SIMON: Well for one, we don’t live in the jungle, and for another, we’re sat on Hackney marshes.

STUART THE STOAT: I don’t mean to be pedantic or anything Simon but they are pretty much the same reason.

SIMON: Yeah but it’s a good reason though aint it?

THEODORE THE TOAD: Oh it’s a very good reason. This is going to be a bigger waste of time than the time we plied Samuel the snail with all those downers…we were there for days!

FRANK: Yes we didn’t do our homework there did we? Oh come on Brian no-one cares. Besides you can’t decide these things with a ballot, it’s survival of the fittest. Lion wins because no-one will take him on.

BRIAN: Nonsence. This is a democracy…we’re not wild animals.

ALL THE ANIMALS LOOK AT EACH OTHER. BRIAN REALISES HE’S MADE A MISTAKE.

BRIAN: Ok we are wild animals…but we are civilised with it. This is one of the only things we get to vote on and I’ll be damned if we let it go to waste. We are all members of the animal kingdom. We are all wildlife creatures, as a result and despite our geography our vote counts just as much as anyone else’.

THEODORE: How will them lot in the jungle know how we’ve voted?

BRIAN: The same way they’ve always known…we dial a premium rate number and vote for our favourite. The one with the fewest votes goes until we are left with our king of the jungle. Now then as the gaffer I vote that Lion stays as king of the jungle. Does anyone differ?

THE PLACE GOES SILENT.

BRIAN: Good. That’s decided then.

THEODORE: Ere Brian. How come you’re in charge?

BRIAN: Because I’m a badger. We’re always in charge. Did you never watch ‘wind in the willows’?

THEODORE: Damn right I did. David Jason’s performance was way over the top. Didn’t do my kind any favours that fella.

RAYMOND THE RAT: It could have been worse. I was played by that chap out of ‘last of the summer wine’. The bumbling old bastard.

BRIAN: Ok then, erm, any other business?

FRANK: Yes I’d like to know why all our first names start with the same letter as the first letter of our species.

BRIAN: Do they? Do you know I didn’t realise. I suspect it has something to do with dozy halfwitted humans trying to be cute. Ok then, meeting concluded, you may go.

EVERYONE STARTS TO FILE OUT

BRIAN: I’m sorry, if you could just stop a moment there is one further item up for discussion……which one of us would make the best pie filling?