BLACKADDER'S BUNCH OF FIVES
New series
by Richard Curtis and the guy who wrote some of the Blackadders

SCENE
Somewhere. Blackadder and Baldrick.

BALDRICK Hello, Blackadder.

BLACKADDER Baldrick, that's the most boring entrance since Mr Boring Enterer the Boring Entrance Man entered boringly and was entering bored and boring in a boring way.

BALDRICK Sorry, Blackadder.

BLACKADDER Baldrick, if you had to apologise and say you're sorry, you'd only be apologising and saying you're sorry meaning sorrily and apologetically you were apologising in an apologetical way that only Mr Sorry the Apologiser would be sorry about having apologised for, sorrily.

Enter some WANKER played by HUGH LAURIE.

WANKER played by HUGH LAURIE: Ah,, Baldrick...

BLACKADDER Ah, Baldrick? May I remind you I am not Baldrick, in fact I am the least Baldricky fellow since Ms Unbaldrick lost the I'mBaldrickCompetition in UnBaldrickLand against Baldrick, Baldrick and another Baldrick!

Enter another WANKER played by someone who used to be funny.

Another WANKER played by someone who used to be funny: Ah, Blackadder, there's an opportunity.

BLACKADDER Opportunity? I'll take it.

BALDRICK Can I...?

BLACKADDER No Baldrick, opportuniities for an inopportune inopportunitist like you are most inopportune and should only be taken opportunely like me, opportunist me and I my opportunist self in an opportune moment opportunely.

NEXT SCENE
They go over the top in the war which was sad, so after taking the piss out of the war for 6 episodes they pretend to give a f**k about the war and win some awards.

THE END

Blackadder : What are you wearing around your neck?
Percy : Ah! It's my new ruff!
Blackadder : You look like a bird who's swallowed a plate.
Percy : It's the latest fashion actually and as a matter of fact it makes me look rather sexy!
Blackadder : To another plate swallowing bird perhaps. If it was blind and hadn't had it in months.

__

Blakadder: Ah, so you are married to...
Mrs Ploppy: No, many people think that but it's pure coincidence. We did laugh when first we found out. "Good morning mistress Ploppy" he'd say, and I'd say "good morning Mr Ploppy".
Blackadder: The long winter evenings must just fly by.

__

Blackadder: Gloaters, you really are a pratt aren't you Percy.

__

Blackadder: Don't even try to work it out Baldrick. Two people you know well have exchanged coats and now you don't know which is which.

"Your brain is as empty as a eunuch's underpants." (The Cavalier Years - I think)

I'm really in the minority here but I enjoy the first series most of all. I can understand how fans of the later ones aren't overstruck as it's far flabbier and more comedy than sitcom - but as far as laughs go, it wins all the way. The first ep alone is hilarious.

It's still my favourite too. Blackadder himself was a totally different character to the Elton penned one but it was much less join the dots scripting and repetitive insults and had more depth. Had Peter Cook, Brian Blessed and one of the best episodes I've ever seen in The Witchsmeller Pursuivant.

Can I have a vote for the last series?

"So you won't be wanting the unicorn tonight...?"

Quote: Alfred J Kipper @ 9th March 2018, 8:04 AM

It's still my favourite too. Blackadder himself was a totally different character to the Elton penned one but it was much less join the dots scripting and repetitive insults and had more depth. Had Peter Cook, Brian Blessed and one of the best episodes I've ever seen in The Witchsmeller Pursuivant.

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Someone agrees with me on something. I'm getting worried.

The only thing worse than this show are people who quote it. And the only thing worse than that are people who quote it AND pretend it's their own spontaneous wit. Horrible.

Quote: Definitely Tarby @ 2nd July 2017, 5:52 PM

The long winter evenings must just fly by

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Most overdone quote in comedy history.

Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 7th September 2020, 7:48 PM

The only thing worse than this show are people who quote it. And the only thing worse than that are people who quote it AND pretend it's their own spontaneous wit. Horrible.

Most overdone quote in comedy history.

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You post how much you dislike that quote at least five times a year Don't you get bored of harping on about it and needless posts on threads that have lay dormant for years? Why include a post from me from over three years ago? I liked the quote the first time I saw it when I was nine and it's an example of how cutting Edmond was towards anyone he saw as inferior to him but it's not a quote I've ever used apart from posting it here in a "Blackadder insults thread". Do you think people who like the quote go around saying it to people at tea parties and office meetings?

"Oi Baldrick, f**k off you stupid smelly c*nt"

Classic

It's actually 'F**k off, c**t.'