INTRO:
The zip is 100 years old this week. The celebrations were going rather well until some 'Back to Buttons' demonstrators turned up to cause trouble. In the ensuing altercation somebody's had their teeth misaligned, leaving an uncloseable hole and disproportionate infuriation.

INTRO:
The EDL Boss Tommy Robinson has quit the group, hoping for a more lucrative career as a solo racist.

OPINIONS:
Opinions are like the electric chair. The more current, the more likely you are to have your hair standing on end.

SUPERGEEK:
I can't believe the Higgs boson has won the Nobel Prize! It's nothing more than 'looking for mass' approval.

KID:
Of course I am worser at litracy than my grandparents. How would my English skills be anything like near as good as some Scandinavian immigrants?

AGHAST:
Republican House Speaker John Boehner says the US is on a terrible path to default. That's horrific! All the fonts will be set to Times New Roman 12-point!

MINISTER:
Well, I rather think the reshuffle was a big success. Primarily because I managed to elbow Gove in the face as we moved the high chairs around.

CONVICT:
(F/X CLANG OF CELL DOOR) (SNIFF) I tell you what, drugs are easier to get in 'ere than soap. I wish someone would just unbung those dispensers.

BREATHLESS:
I'm not sure I can deal with another housing bubble? The last one took ages and I had to blow REALLY slowly!

INTRO:
Diesel affects bees' ability to find flowers. Studies found they became very noisy and sluggish and ended up almost a third further away.

OPINIONS:
Opinions... are an anagram of onion pi's, which are very yummy-scrummy indeed!

END

Dan

INTROs

A Daily Mail executive has said that the article about Ed Miliband's father was 'mislabelled', the Britain hating Marxist was actually David Milliband's dad.

A boy was suspended after dressing as Hitler for a World War Two day at school; a spokesman said 'we're helping to combat this in the future by opening children up to new ways of thinking in our concentration camps'.

The BBC has come under fire after the Cookie Monster appeared on Newsnight, a BBC spokesman claimed it was not an ill-fated attempt to dumb down the broadcast, or as his sock-puppet put it; "we no make TV stupider".

British builders have been hit with a shortage of bricks, but after party conference promises of new homes, its rumoured Ed Miliband has shat enough to last the next decade.

JACKAPP:

[AMERICAN ACCENT] NCA; UK's FBI? IDTS, LMAO! USA! [BEAT] grand re-opening soon, IMHO.

Apparently Professor Higgs is so shy he's be avoiding people since winning the Nobel price, no wonder that boson named after him was so difficult to find.

So Tommy Robinson has stepped down from the EDL, I'm just waiting for an immigrant to takeover and do twice as well for half the price... that'll show 'em.

I don't think Alan Sugar was being racist on Twitter, he was just jealous because the Asian child wasn't making an Amstrad.

David Jason admitted to being in a soft porn film, I thought I'd recognised someone I knew in 'Open All Hours, Legs' - besides my mum, of course.

BBC One plus one? They still haven't filled the gaps between BBC Four and BBC Twenty-Four News!

Exercise really is as good as pills, but make sure you know exactly what you're getting. Clubbing last week I thought I was doing 5 cartwheels but they'd been cut with somersaults. Took me higher than I'd expected and made the come down a lot harder.

So Nigel Farage isn't sure where he'll stand at the next elections. I'd say that inside the polling booth is best unless he has really, really, really, really, really, really, really long arms. (This one got me the cut email)

I see Save the Children reporting that many kids are failing tests at seven. No surprise - most adults aren't really on the ball before nine-thirty or ten AM.

The millionth British Rasperry Pi has been made but they sell so quickly I can never find one. Greggs only ever seem to have meat and tatty... steak... apple... custard... cherry... cheese and onion.

I'm looking forward to the BBC launching it's new BBC1+1 channel but I really hope it's good value for license payers and isn't just full of repeats.

One Liners (Even if some aren't one line...)

Opinions are like cabinet reshuffles - sometimes just having one will make it look like you know what you're doing.

International league tables, published this week, show England seriously lagging in adult numeracy and literacy. As a proud Englishman I can say that the full report, packed with hard figures, makes for some very difficult reading.

This week US scientists made important steps in fusion research. So now they decide fusion's newsworthy but no-one batted an eye 2 months ago when I fused Chinese and Indian to create Chindian. My Chicken Tikka Madras with Lychees may have caused some involuntary stomach spasms, but I'm quite certain no eyes were batted.

Tommy Robinson quitting the EDL is the first thing he's done just right... and not far-right.

John McCririck claimed that TV appearances as a pantomime villain don't damage his gravitas as a serious journalist. (AUDIENCE: "Oh Yes they do!") Turns out he's wrong.

This week the US launched a forge-proof $100 bill. If the design works we should copy it.

Corrections

Our earlier report on the trial of Greek far-right MPs should have stated that a member of Golden Dawn was arrested whilst enjoying a shower and not that a member of Dawn was arrested in a compromising position.

I was told the Golden Dawn thing was still going, as was McCririck, so... meh

Quote: Judgement Dave @ October 11 2013, 2:11 PM BST

This week the US launched a forge-proof $100 bill. If the design works we should copy it.

View original

Excellent I thought.

Some nice ones.

Thought $ bill & BBC + 1 were both better than your Farage. Guess humour really is in the eye of the beholder...

The $100 bill one made me snort (not cocaine).

INTRO
Research claims that Elephants understand what human pointing means because they do the same thing with their trunk. I guess that means they also sit at home pointing at the Go Compare advert saying "isn't that Nadia?"

When 9 year old Molly Smith won the prize for the heaviest onion at the Houghton Feast she upset a lot of Gardeners. Specifically her classmate Suzie Gardener who thought her onion was heavier

A study revealed that the brain reacts to poetry the same way it reacts to music, which explains why I threw my vest at the teacher when she read "If" by Rudyard Kipling. Last time I'll go to parents evening

A new survey found that the nations favourite takeaway is Chinese food, making curry number two, which is ironic

JACK APPS
The new Skype app that checks pulses is stupid. I mean if you don't know how to cook them don't eat pulses. Bloody vegetarians

Even if they could why would prisoners hide their convictions to find work? My conviction helped me get this job. They wanted someone with a short temper and violent tendencies. (V/O) Cashier number three, please

I think The Queen was negative towards the kindle because she's confused by it. Touchy - screeny is how it works

(Posh) I would like to take this opportunity to reply to Richard and Judy who claimed literary critics are intellectual snobs. For my rebuttal I would like to quote Nietzsche (F/X blowing raspberry) Not his most famous quote but applicable

I think I'll nominate my granddad for The Times most selfless over 70 prize. He's so considerate he even booked his own ticket to Switzerland . I mean he needn't have got a return ticket, but it's the thought that counts.

I was in the study that claimed seven out of ten girls believed they were judged on their looks alone and it would been higher than that but they only asked the pretty girls.

That oxford study about kissing has really affected my kids. Listen (kids singing) Mummy and daddy sitting in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G to road test the suitability of a mate and not as prelude to sex as previously thought

CORRECTIONS
Earlier in the show we told you about a man who won Craftsman of The Year after attaching tools to his amputated arm. We have received a lot of calls from worried listeners, its okay you're not watching Russell Howard s Good News

Hello - this is one I sent this week - please tell me where I'm going wrong, thanks very much:

A violin, played on board the Titanic as it sank, should reach £400,000 at auction. The owner claimed it was a gift from an admirer, but insisted there were no strings attached.

Quote: Bonzo @ October 17 2013, 6:02 PM BST

Hello - this is one I sent this week - please tell me where I'm going wrong, thanks very much:

A violin, played on board the Titanic as it sank, should reach £400,000 at auction. The owner claimed it was a gift from an admirer, but insisted there were no strings attached.

View original

Presumably the violin on sale didn't have any strings left on it?

You've got to make that assumption in order for the joke to work, which might be beyond the amount of thought people are willing to put in to a one-liner?

For what my opinion is worth, having bombed again this week by the look of it.

George Osborne has dismissed claims he's doing nothing to help struggling businesses. His aides have pointed out his current trip to China, where he hopes to secure export markets for British tea growers.

Application criteria are being relaxed to aid the recruitment of police Superintendents. The "previous operational experience" requirement can now be met by watching two episodes of The Bill.

Cricket news: The Indian Premier League has shelved plans for two extra franchises next season. "We are disappointed and cannot understand why this has happened", said a joint statement from the owners of the Delhi Cyclones and Mumbai Stampede.

Ahead of a 48-hour strike, the Grangemouth oil refinery is preparing for a shutdown. Critics have dismissed the idea as another example of British culture mindlessly copying America.

Vicky Price says most women in Holloway are there because of something men have done. Yes dear, we call them "judges".

Business leaders say red tape is costing the UK billions each year. Have they tried buying it in bulk?

Headline news on the BBC today: Charlotte Church - "Female pop stars made sex objects". I always wondered what she was doing now. Must be working in an Ann Summers factory.

Quote: AndyGilder @ October 17 2013, 6:45 PM BST

Presumably the violin on sale didn't have any strings left on it?

You've got to make that assumption in order for the joke to work, which might be beyond the amount of thought people are willing to put in to a one-liner?

For what my opinion is worth, having bombed again this week by the look of it.

View original

Thanks very much - I have no idea if there were any strings... I tried to make the pun about the relationship between the owner and the admirer and the saying 'no strings attached' but I guess that's not come across. Thanks again for replying.

Thank you very much for your comments, much appreciated.

The last of this series inglorious failures...

Ryanair Chief Executive Michael O'Leary took to Twitter this week to answer questions from members of the public. Answers were given through Facebook, which the company described as "close to Twitter".

The Home Secretary is being pressed to apologise for the deployment of so-called "racist vans" on trial basis in some London boroughs, after admitting it was not a good idea. As with any apology from a politician, it will be about as genuine as the birth certificate of a blond child in a Roma gypsy camp.

Police have issued more information on new suspects in the abduction of Maddy McCann following a review of witness statements. They are described as "human, male and six years older than they look in these artists impressions".