Martin: I wasn't skiing. I tripped over getting off the plane and was taken straight to hospital. I didn't even see a mountain the whole time I was there.
I actually know someone who did just that !
New sitcom Page 2
Ok Mate, I'll get started on it in my spare time, give me a few days will let you know when its done!
It's not bad, you've got a nice light touch in your writing. Much better than lots of stuff posted on here. It needs to be tied to a good fast-moving plot, not just a lad trying to get off with the woman downstairs - although that could happen as well, of course. I like the way it starts with his parents kicking him out, although that bit should be edited down considerably. So many first time sitcoms are just blokes in pubs exchanging banter, so try not to have too much of that! Take on board what the others have said, and you should produce something good.
Haha gappy. I didn't think of that. The point of the character is that everything bad seems to happen to him. I just put that in without thinking it through.
Quote: Mjw1234 @ October 4 2013, 1:34 AM BSTHaha gappy. I didn't think of that. The point of the character is that everything bad seems to happen to him. I just put that in without thinking it through.
That was my point, really: a bad-luck character is a great sit com device, but you need people to feel sorry for them: "I hurt myself going on a skiiing holiday for my 2nd holiday in a month" isn't the way to do it.
There are definitely germns of something good here, though, so keep at it. I just worry that at the moment that scenes and characters are built round good lines, rather than vice versa, which is the best way to do it for straight sit com.
Quote: gappy @ October 4 2013, 8:57 AM BSTThat was my point, really: a bad-luck character is a great sit com device, but you need people to feel sorry for them: "I hurt myself going on a skiiing holiday for my 2nd holiday in a month" isn't the way to do it.
A bad luck character who has accidents every time they try to take advantage of their abundance of free time and inherited wealth sounds like they could be quite funny though
I like the opening to Scene 3 better, FWIW. More like real conversation.
Quote: enigmatic @ October 5 2013, 1:44 PM BSTA bad luck character who has accidents every time they try to take advantage of their abundance of free time and inherited wealth sounds like they could be quite funny though
True enough. I considered that, but it would take the power out of the character's original lines about being unemployed or years if it turned out they were independently wealthy.
I quite liked this. I think the dialogue needs a lot of extra work. As it stands, no actual characters shine through. Matt and Danny aren't too bad, and Martin is okay (though of course there are logic/sympathy issues with him as others have discussed), but everybody else is a cardboard cut-out.
I'm in agreement with others that the dialogue is too plain in a lot of cases, though I'd avoid going too wacky with it. I think the tone of this is rather subtle, and that shouldn't be lost. I'd compare it to Grandma's Boy, except this needs a lot of work, and has the potential to be actually funny. I like the awkward exchanges of the lego t-shirt and the eggcelent clock. I didn't get bored or give up reading the scenes, which is an achievement. Even though I can pick faults with it, I found it very likeable and it's my favourite of the sitcoms I've read in here so far.
My advice is for you to just attack it with a view to:
-Make the secondary characters more interesting without them being too much.
-Make the dialogue tighter, less meandering and a bit more interesting without veering too much from the subtle, reality-based tone.
-Make the plot a little more interesting and engaging, find conflict: Is there more to why his parents want him out of their house? Is there more to his and Danny's backstory -- enemies, rivals etc? How do Matt and his parents know Danny? The Facebook line was good, but perhaps there should be something more when they get there... The dynamic/history between Matt and Danny is rather vague as is.
Another concern that people have raised is how original is the "odd couple sharing a flat" sitcom... I think they're right that it's not a premise that's going to get people's interest, but for a first attempt at a sitcom, I don't think that matters. Don't worry about coming up with a unique premise, just concentrate on being able to write a sitcom well. You can always jazz up the idea or come up with something set in space later. I think this has potential to be good.
Can I just say well done on writing this. I think the whole idea is pretty good and it's different which I like. It's easy to follow unlike a lot of the stuff I read on this site. It did make me smile a few times but I think it could be funnier. (Keep working on that) I've said before on here that comedy shouldn't be complicated so don't let people try and over Annalise it because that's when it gets complicated! And if you have a good script and good characters then you can have people just sitting there talking, it doesn't have to have some major plot. Keep it up 