This is our weekly joke contest. BCG Pro subscribers are encouraged to submit a gag on a specified topic for a chance to win cash. The BCG Pro editors will pick their favourite from all submissions, with the winner receiving £10 cash and their joke shared with credit on British Comedy Guide's social media accounts and Monday email newsletter, reaching more than 150,000 comedy fans.

The judging is carried out 'blind', so there's no limit to the number of times you can win - but you can only enter ONE joke per week!

This week's topic...

Private detectives

Can you think of a good one-liner? If so, enter your gag below!

Deadline to submit: Monday 29th April, 00:59

Last 20 winners

Travel

I've just booked trips to Versailles, Maastricht and Paris. It was expensive, but you've got to treaty yourself.
Jonny King

Death

Call me petty, but I'm not going to my Grandma's funeral, she's been ghosting me all week.
Kayleigh Jones

The theatre

The overweight performer went on the Actor's Diet - you have to watch your entrances and exits.
Paul Larkin

The weekend

My wife thought that a dirty weekend away would be good for our marriage. I guess we'll see when I get back.
Tony Coe

Films

I always struggle when asked to name my favourite film, but I'm going to go with "Cling"
Chris Collyer

Clothes

It's really easy buying clothes for fortune tellers. They're all mediums.
Dan Payne

The toilet

Onamatopeia - when you get home drunk and don't quite make it to the toilet
Dean Harmer

Business

I once had shares in a treacle company but I sold them to cut molasses
Claire Oliver

Friends

Friends are just enemies you haven't yet gone camping with.
DaveEff

Art

I once painted a picture of myself posing in a mirror. 'Narcissism' is just one of my poor traits.
Tony Coe

Vegetables

I asked my girlfriend if she liked mange tout. she said 'I don't know, I haven't even seen the first one'.
Tony Coe

Booze

I went to the 24 hour garage to fill up on booze. Now the Volvo won't start.
Gavin Webb

Grandparents

I'll never forget Sunday afternoons making Nesquik with my grandparents. Shame mum took away the urn.
Marc Pinto

Transport

The car I got from Switzerland won't change gears. It's always neutral.
Dan Payne

Sex

It takes some people ages to lose their virginity, but not me; 12 seconds! Done!
Philip Simon

Gifts

My girlfriend is always reminding me that she is a gift to me... Unfortunately I can't remember where I put the receipt.
Fergi Dean

New Year's resolutions

My Geordie mate says his New Year's resolution is to give up smirking. I don't know if he means cigarettes or grinning smugly
Graham Bretman

Rain

I used to spend hours watching raindrops make little rivers against my window, until I had that massive car accident.
Sean Fee

The Dentist

My dentist took out a couple of my canines, so in revenge I blew up his budgerigar.
Tom Langston

Dinner

I went round to my Nan's for a Sunday Roast, she told me my hairline's receding and I've got no friends.
Joseph Greenaway

Rules

This competition is open for entries until further notice. You must have a valid BCG Pro subscription to enter.

You may submit one joke in each entry window. Entry windows normally last a week each, running from Monday through to Sunday.

British Comedy Guide reserves the right to alter the terms of this contest and/or the duration of any entry window at its discretion.

All entries must be the original work of the entrant, and must not infringe the rights of any other party.

At the closure of each entry window British Comedy Guide's editorial team will select their favourite joke as that window's winner. If deemed suitable for a general audience, the joke will be shared via British Comedy Guide's Facebook, Instagram and Twitter accounts, and in the website's Weekly Newsletter (normally sent on a Monday). The winning entrant will be credited by name and, if submitted with a Twitter handle, by that on the Tweet.

Jokes may be ommitted from Twitter if their length and a necessary explanation exceeds the platform's character limit.

The winner will receive £10 in cash. This can be paid via BACS or PayPal.