BCG Pro Gag-a-Week competition

This is our weekly joke contest. BCG Pro subscribers are encouraged to submit a gag on a specified topic for a chance to win cash. The BCG Pro editors will pick their favourite from all submissions, with the winner receiving £10 cash and their joke shared with credit on British Comedy Guide's social media feeds and Monday email newsletter, reaching more than 150,000 comedy fans.

The judging is carried out 'blind', so there's no limit to the number of times you can win.

This week's topic...

Computers

Can you think of a good one-liner? If so, enter your gag below!

Deadline to submit: Sunday 26th September, 23:59

Enter your joke

This competition is for BCG Pro members

You must be a BCG Pro subscriber to take part in this competition. If you are already a subscriber, please sign in now to access the entry form. If you're not yet a member, why not sign up now? BCG Pro offers tools, insights and more to help you create comedy.

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Past winners

Musicals

I don't like musicals, they're just a load of trash. Then again... I've only ever seen Stomp.
Chris Douch

Royalty

The monarchy never goes on strike, but they do work to rule.
Mike Sheldon

The military

I'd never be a lieutenant. They just sit around in nightclub toilets giving out wet wipes and deodorant.
Nicky Roberts

Antiques

I'm from a poor family, so we have no antiques. The oldest thing I'll be able to leave my kids is this joke - good luck son!
Kamien Deane

Death and funerals

My Father died a Hero. Fell into a vat of Cadbury's chocolate.
Graham Parry

Golf

My golf game is like my diet, it takes me a long time to venture near the greens.
Chris Collyer

Aliens

The TV company sent an alien engineer to fix my aerial. Now I get extra terrestrial channels.
Chris Douch

The Olympics

Bruce Springsteen's daughter is show-jumping at the Olympics. I'm surprised. Thought she was born to run.
Marc Pinto

The police

Police can confirm that the world's slowest talking criminal has just finished a three-year sentence.
Carwyn Blayney

Church

There's no social distancing in my church. Everyone is singing from the same hymn sheet.
Liam Kelly

Birthdays

I bought a reduced-price Colin the Caterpillar birthday cake because it was going out of date. By the time I got it home, it had become a Colin the Cocoon cake.
James Docherty

Tennis

I almost made it as a pro tennis player. I was unbeaten on grass but always failed the drug tests.
Chaz Hine

Doctors

Ironically, "Doctors" is not appointment television.
Simon Wright

Marriage and weddings

My partner wanted to get married to make our relationship more secure. I suggested instead we used a mix of upper and lower-case letters and numbers.
James Docherty

Walking

Yorkshire hikers - they're always banging on about summit.
Hollie Wilson

Cartoon characters

There's a new Disney-themed witness protection scheme called Lie Low and Snitch.
Philip Simon

Motorways

By the time I came off the M4 I'd been sharpened, highlighted and hole-punched. The traffic was stationery.
Nicky Roberts

The countryside

I always go to my mate Old McDonald to get my medicines. It's because he's a farmer, see?
Chris Collyer

Football

An anonymous referee has leaked some stories to the press about FIFA. Sources have narrowed it down to a whistleblower.
Sean Fee

Monks

I tried to re-colour a worn out monk's robe, but old habits dye hard.
Rob Smyth

Banks

I'm so skint that when money goes into my account the bank alerts me to suspicious activity.
Alan O'Brien

Classical music

I write all my concertos in braille, so don't blame me if you can't feel the music.
Marc Pinto

Spring

I've just started spring cleaning. The mattress is done, just the slinky left to do...
Kamien Deane

Scotland

I love shortbread but I'm always losing it in the toaster.
Hatty Hodgson

Easter

Jesus only lasted three days in lockdown and got a holiday in his honour. I lasted a year and got made redundant.
Sergio Cortes Allsopp

History

Those who do not learn the lessons of History are doomed to repeat it. Quite right. It took me three times to pass my GCSE.
Matthew Alford

Home renovations

I got stuck with cowboy builders. I refused to pay but they roped me in.
Hatty Hodgson

Space

I'm constantly amazed at how big space is. It goes all the way from C to M on my keyboard.
Alex Buchanan

The jungle

I'd make a joke about tropical birds, but I don't want to parrot everyone else.
James Horscroft

Music

Don't ever damage my German classical composers LP, because if you scratch my Bach, I'll scratch yours.
Rob Smyth

Warming winter food

I think hot, savoury liquid is soup-er... And that's just for starters.
Hannah Sowerby

Cold weather

Why can Chris Hemsworth never play in the snow? Because everywhere he goes there is a Thor.
Chris Collyer

The Tudors

Henry VIII was very kingly, but Shakespeare was even King Lear.
Harmony Hewlett

Friends

When a woman marries her best friend we call it romantic, but for a man it's called bestiality.
Dave Watt

Teachers

Teaching is the most gruelling of professions, though porridge making comes a close second.
Maxine Jones

Cats

What do most people have in common with a cat's foot at this time of year? They're both feline paw.
Kamien Deane

Topical

I'd have written a gag about Trump but all I could think was 'orange' and that's such low hanging topical fruit.
Jaye Nolan

New year's resolutions

This year I'm giving up drinking, smoking and gambling. I would give up overeating as well, but I've already got a lot on my plate.
Jonny King

Family

People talk about family values but I didn't get much for my Nan at Cash Converters.
Jack Kelly

Christmas dinner

People panic buying gravy for Christmas have caused the stock market to crash.
Matthew Wood

Christmas decorations

Why do anti-vaxxers get plastic Christmas trees? Because they don't believe in needles.
Jonny King

Shopping

It's exhausting trying to find my wife in the department store. Starting to think I'd have more luck with online dating.
Chris Douch

Cars

I didn't think electric cars could handle all weathers until I test drove one in the rain. I was shocked.
Sarah Watson

Films

I stopped going to the drive-in cinema. Too many spoilers.
Chris Douch

Cycling

I wanted to buy a bike from a German composer but there were no Handel bars
Rob Smyth

The Moon

They say they found water on the moon's surface. I reckon that's lunar sea.
Chris Collyer

Halloween

I have a bone to pick about the standard of this year's Halloween party. A skeleton staff organised it.
Martin Bickle

Strictly Come Dancing

Strictly are taking no risks with COVID this year. I've heard even the presenting team has a Tess Daly.
Matthew Mclane

Autumn

Every November I choose a special day to buy cutlery for my close male friends, it's my guy forks night.
Sean Fee

Pets

The fish in my pond are hiding behind rocks. Or maybe they're just being koi.
Graham Parry

Comedy

I saw a vet do stand up comedy once The jokes were fine but the put downs were heartbreaking
Stephen Holford

Fashion

My nan asked me if I'd like her to put on Cardi B the other day but I told her the one she was wearing was fine.
Matthew Mclane

Weather

When it's hot, suncream just isn't enough to stop me burning - as shown by my criminal record for arson.
Vincent Lynch

Fruit

Cantaloupe is the best fruit to eat if you don't want to run away and get married.
Rob Smyth

School

Fractions at school. I understood them half the time, but the other three quarters were a complete mystery
Bob Bootman

Horror films

I've never understood why ugly people watch horror movies. Just look in the mirror
James Klonowski

Science

It makes no sense how dissecting a frog in a lab is always 'for scientific purposes', but dissecting a frog anywhere else is 'wrong' or 'ruining the Christening'.
Bennet Kavanagh

Wildlife

When I said I was going to live the wildlife in 2020, I didn't realise it meant I'd be locked indoors and let out once a day to exercise.
Tom Dewar

Agony aunts

Agony Aunts are like every man working from home; they can't get enough of their own column.
Hollie Wilson

Hotels

Hotel Chocolat: great suites.
Jimmy Young

Hospitals

I went to the hospital the other day and all the staff were linking arms and singing Auld Lang Syne. Turns out it was the Burns unit.
Matthew Mclane

The Victorians

I like to watch my old flame read Charles Dickens. It's great ex spectations.
Matthew Smith

Italian food/restaurants

I recently started collecting stickers of Italian food. I keep them in my panini album.
Chris Douch

Television dramas

I'm currently in a relationship with a make up artist. It's built on a strong foundation.
Sean Fee

Vegetables

My uncle always told me that carrots help you see in the dark, which is how he lost his job as a lighthouse keeper.
Jack Kelly

Newspapers

Every morning I get up and hate what I see in the mirror, but on the plus side the puzzles are good and it's cheaper than the guardian.
Jonny King

Public transport

Mandatory face masks on the Tube while deodorant remains optional - talk about victim blaming!
Will Cannon

Summer sun

I get so hot in the summer sun I can't even walk normally. Philip Flops
Philip Simon

Dogs

I told my French girlfriend that I didn't like her dog. She took it on the chien.
Patrick Robinson

DIY

My dad enjoyed two things - making people laugh and DIY He always brought the house down
Samantha Hannah

Mobile phones

I must say the Zoom app for my phone is a complete disappointment - I'm sticking with my telescope.
Alan O'Brien

Watching Netflix

I've been watching The Crown with my eyes closed. You might think that's odd, but I've done Stranger Things.
Garth ApThomas

Supermarket shopping during lockdown

If all it took was a deadly virus to keep people six feet away from me in the supermarket, I would have got into biological warfare way earlier
Bartek Calka