British Comedy Guide

BCG Pro Gag-a-Week competition

BCG Pro Gag-a-Week.

This is our weekly joke contest. BCG Pro subscribers are encouraged to submit a gag on a specified topic for a chance to win cash. The BCG Pro editors will pick their favourite from all submissions, with the winner receiving £10 cash and their joke shared with credit on British Comedy Guide's social media feeds and Monday email newsletter, reaching more than 150,000 comedy fans.

The judging is carried out 'blind', so there's no limit to the number of times you can win.

This week's topic...

Football

Can you think of a good one-liner? If so, enter your gag below!

Deadline to submit: Sunday 16th May, 23:59

Enter your joke

This competition is for BCG Pro members
BCG Pro

You must be a BCG Pro subscriber to take part in this competition. If you are already a subscriber, please sign in now to access the entry form. If you're not yet a member, why not sign up now? BCG Pro offers tools, insights and more to help you create comedy.

Past winners

Banks
I'm so skint that when money goes into my account the bank alerts me to suspicious activity.
Alan O'Brien
Classical music
I write all my concertos in braille, so don't blame me if you can't feel the music.
Marc Pinto
Spring
I've just started spring cleaning. The mattress is done, just the slinky left to do...
Kamien Deane
Scotland
I love shortbread but I'm always losing it in the toaster.
Hatty Hodgson
Easter
Jesus only lasted three days in lockdown and got a holiday in his honour. I lasted a year and got made redundant.
Sergio Cortes Allsopp
History
Those who do not learn the lessons of History are doomed to repeat it. Quite right. It took me three times to pass my GCSE.
Matthew Alford
Home renovations
I got stuck with cowboy builders. I refused to pay but they roped me in.
Hatty Hodgson
Space
I'm constantly amazed at how big space is. It goes all the way from C to M on my keyboard.
Alex Buchanan
The jungle
I'd make a joke about tropical birds, but I don't want to parrot everyone else.
James Horscroft
Music
Don't ever damage my German classical composers LP, because if you scratch my Bach, I'll scratch yours.
Rob Smyth
Warming winter food
I think hot, savoury liquid is soup-er... And that's just for starters.
Hannah Sowerby
Cold weather
Why can Chris Hemsworth never play in the snow? Because everywhere he goes there is a Thor.
Chris Collyer
The Tudors
Henry VIII was very kingly, but Shakespeare was even King Lear.
Harmony Hewlett
Friends
When a woman marries her best friend we call it romantic, but for a man it's called bestiality.
Dave Watt
Teachers
Teaching is the most gruelling of professions, though porridge making comes a close second.
Maxine Jones
Cats
What do most people have in common with a cat's foot at this time of year? They're both feline paw.
Kamien Deane
Topical
I'd have written a gag about Trump but all I could think was 'orange' and that's such low hanging topical fruit.
Jaye Nolan
New year's resolutions
This year I'm giving up drinking, smoking and gambling. I would give up overeating as well, but I've already got a lot on my plate.
Jonny King
Family
People talk about family values but I didn't get much for my Nan at Cash Converters.
Jack Kelly
Christmas dinner
People panic buying gravy for Christmas have caused the stock market to crash.
Matthew Wood
Christmas decorations
Why do anti-vaxxers get plastic Christmas trees? Because they don't believe in needles.
Jonny King
Shopping
It's exhausting trying to find my wife in the department store. Starting to think I'd have more luck with online dating.
Chris Douch
Cars
I didn't think electric cars could handle all weathers until I test drove one in the rain. I was shocked.
Sarah Watson
Films
I stopped going to the drive-in cinema. Too many spoilers.
Chris Douch
Cycling
I wanted to buy a bike from a German composer but there were no Handel bars
Rob Smyth
The Moon
They say they found water on the moon's surface. I reckon that's lunar sea.
Chris Collyer
Halloween
I have a bone to pick about the standard of this year's Halloween party. A skeleton staff organised it.
Martin Bickle
Strictly Come Dancing
Strictly are taking no risks with COVID this year. I've heard even the presenting team has a Tess Daly.
Matthew Mclane
Autumn
Every November I choose a special day to buy cutlery for my close male friends, it's my guy forks night.
Sean Fee
Pets
The fish in my pond are hiding behind rocks. Or maybe they're just being koi.
Graham Parry
Comedy
I saw a vet do stand up comedy once The jokes were fine but the put downs were heartbreaking
Stephen Holford
Fashion
My nan asked me if I'd like her to put on Cardi B the other day but I told her the one she was wearing was fine.
Matthew Mclane
Weather
When it's hot, suncream just isn't enough to stop me burning - as shown by my criminal record for arson.
Vincent Lynch
Fruit
Cantaloupe is the best fruit to eat if you don't want to run away and get married.
Rob Smyth
School
Fractions at school. I understood them half the time, but the other three quarters were a complete mystery
Bob Bootman
Horror films
I've never understood why ugly people watch horror movies. Just look in the mirror
James Klonowski
Science
It makes no sense how dissecting a frog in a lab is always 'for scientific purposes', but dissecting a frog anywhere else is 'wrong' or 'ruining the Christening'.
Bennet Kavanagh
Wildlife
When I said I was going to live the wildlife in 2020, I didn't realise it meant I'd be locked indoors and let out once a day to exercise.
Tom Dewar
Agony aunts
Agony Aunts are like every man working from home; they can't get enough of their own column.
Hollie Wilson
Hotels
Hotel Chocolat: great suites.
Jimmy Young
Hospitals
I went to the hospital the other day and all the staff were linking arms and singing Auld Lang Syne. Turns out it was the Burns unit.
Matthew Mclane
The Victorians
I like to watch my old flame read Charles Dickens. It's great ex spectations.
Matthew Smith
Italian food/restaurants
I recently started collecting stickers of Italian food. I keep them in my panini album.
Chris Douch
Television dramas
I'm currently in a relationship with a make up artist. It's built on a strong foundation.
Sean Fee
Vegetables
My uncle always told me that carrots help you see in the dark, which is how he lost his job as a lighthouse keeper.
Jack Kelly
Newspapers
Every morning I get up and hate what I see in the mirror, but on the plus side the puzzles are good and it's cheaper than the guardian.
Jonny King
Public transport
Mandatory face masks on the Tube while deodorant remains optional - talk about victim blaming!
Will Cannon
Summer sun
I get so hot in the summer sun I can't even walk normally. Philip Flops
Philip Simon
Dogs
I told my French girlfriend that I didn't like her dog. She took it on the chien.
Patrick Robinson
DIY
My dad enjoyed two things - making people laugh and DIY He always brought the house down
Samantha Hannah
Mobile phones
I must say the Zoom app for my phone is a complete disappointment - I'm sticking with my telescope.
Alan O'Brien
Watching Netflix
I've been watching The Crown with my eyes closed. You might think that's odd, but I've done Stranger Things.
Garth ApThomas
Supermarket shopping during lockdown
If all it took was a deadly virus to keep people six feet away from me in the supermarket, I would have got into biological warfare way earlier
Bartek Calka

Rules

This competition is open for entries until further notice. You must have a valid BCG Pro subscription to enter.

You may submit one joke in each entry window. Entry windows normally last a week each, running from Monday through to Sunday.

British Comedy Guide reserves the right to alter the terms of this contest and/or the duration of any entry window at its discretion.

All entries must be the original work of the entrant, and must not infringe the rights of any other party.

At the closure of each entry window British Comedy Guide's editorial team will select their favourite joke as that window's winner. If deemed suitable for a general audience, the joke will be shared via British Comedy Guide's Facebook, Instagram and Twitter accounts, and in the website's Weekly Newsletter (normally sent on a Monday). The winning entrant will be credited by name and, if submitted with a Twitter handle, by that on the Tweet.

Jokes may be ommitted from Twitter if their length and a necessary explanation exceeds the platform's character limit.

The winner will receive £10 in cash. This can be paid via BACS or PayPal.