BCG Pro Gag-a-Week competition

This is our weekly joke contest. BCG Pro subscribers are encouraged to submit a gag on a specified topic for a chance to win cash. The BCG Pro editors will pick their favourite from all submissions, with the winner receiving £10 cash and their joke shared with credit on British Comedy Guide's social media accounts and Monday email newsletter, reaching more than 150,000 comedy fans.

The judging is carried out 'blind', so there's no limit to the number of times you can win - but you can only enter ONE joke per week!

This week's topic...

The motorway

Can you think of a good one-liner? If so, enter your gag below!

Deadline to submit: Sunday 1st September, 23:59

Last 20 winners

Coffee

This new dating app has set me up with a Colombian, a Costa Rican and a Kenyan. It's called Coffee Grindr
Alice Hancock

America

Wish my American gran wasn't so negative. She keeps saying she's ready for the fall.
Marc Pinto

Shampoo

My legs are so hairy I use a shower gel called Knees and Toes.
Mat Smith

Experiments

I thought I'd try it doggy-style for a change until my partner complained the lawn was turning yellow.
Amanda Webster

The Government

I was sleepwalking the other night having this intense dream where I was a politician. Woke up in the cabinet.
Sean Fee

Meat

Give someone a bag of pork scratchings and they'll snack for a day. Give them a pig with eczema and they'll snack for life.
Barry Dunstall

The pub

My local never has the right ingredients for cocktails. Yesterday the barman made me a sex on the bench
Sean Fee

Summer

One swallow does not make a Summer. But it does mean she likes you.
Michael Monkhouse

Football

Friends say I don't understand Fantasy Football. But they're just jealous of my team of Orcs.
Graham Bretman

Election

If you'd like to elect Mr Potato Head as your new MP, it's eyes to the right, nose to the left.
Philip Simon

National service

My friend just wrote on Facebook he's doing National Service as a bugler in the army. I liked his Last Post.
Philip Simon

Competition

My family say I take games too seriously, which is a disgraceful way to speak to the under ten's tiddlywinks champion of 1986
Alice Gregg

Rest

My wife calls me the human bicycle; when she wants me to do anything I'm always two tyred.
Chris Collyer

Builders

Yeah, sure, I can do you a joke about builders. Right, that's the set up done - I'll be back some time in the next eight months to do the punchline.
Jonny King

Memories

My grandfather was a sailor who could never remember the alphabet, he died at C.
Sean Fee

The stock market

My local vicar earned a lot of money on the stock market. Great in vestments, that guy.
Alice Hancock

Nando's

Icarus had a bad experience at Nando's. It was the hot wings.
David Kidder

Private detectives

I used to investigate hedge funds - what's known as a privet detective.
DaveEff

Travel

I've just booked trips to Versailles, Maastricht and Paris. It was expensive, but you've got to treaty yourself.
Jonny King

Death

Call me petty, but I'm not going to my Grandma's funeral, she's been ghosting me all week.
Kayleigh Jones

Rules

This competition is open for entries until further notice. You must have a valid BCG Pro subscription to enter.

You may submit one joke in each entry window. Entry windows normally last a week each, running from Monday through to Sunday.

British Comedy Guide reserves the right to alter the terms of this contest and/or the duration of any entry window at its discretion.

All entries must be the original work of the entrant, and must not infringe the rights of any other party.

At the closure of each entry window British Comedy Guide's editorial team will select their favourite joke as that window's winner. If deemed suitable for a general audience, the joke will be shared via British Comedy Guide's Facebook, Instagram and Twitter accounts, and in the website's Weekly Newsletter (normally sent on a Monday). The winning entrant will be credited by name and, if submitted with a Twitter handle, by that on the Tweet.

Jokes may be ommitted from Twitter if their length and a necessary explanation exceeds the platform's character limit.

The winner will receive £10 in cash. This can be paid via BACS or PayPal.