This is our weekly joke contest. BCG Pro subscribers are encouraged to submit a gag on a specified topic for a chance to win cash. The BCG Pro editors will pick their favourite from all submissions, with the winner receiving £10 cash and their joke shared with credit on British Comedy Guide's social media feeds and Monday email newsletter, reaching more than 150,000 comedy fans.
The judging is carried out 'blind', so there's no limit to the number of times you can win.
This week's topic...
Can you think of a good one-liner? If so, enter your gag below!
Deadline to submit: Sunday 30th January, 23:59
I'm a genius who invented a cloning machine. At least, that's what I keep telling myself.
My best trick was to convince the judge that I was foreman of the jury. I'm a conjuror.
Jonny Rotten has a tree in his garden to hang all of his facial restraints on. It's his punky muzzle tree.
In 2022 I intend to keep everything in sharp focus, therefore my new year's resolution is going to be 1080p.
My friend Quinn is an Eskimo. I made him throw a housewarming party. Now he's homeless.
The BBC asked Brian Cox to host a political panel show, but he said one thing he would never do was Question Time.
I've got a book about a German composer who beats people up. It's a hard Bach
I was once stuck in a twister inside a monsoon. It's not my favourite party game but at least I could browse the knitwear afterwards.
Monosyllabic teenagers are rebels without a clause.
I wasn't looking forward to Old Age, but whenever I see something New Age, it doesn't seem the worst choice after all...
I will be turned away from the campsite, because I was using the wrong tents.
When it comes to participating in Insulate Britain protests I tend to avoid public transport and stick to the roads.
Why is it called Toulouse and not Deux Toilette?
A Shetland pony did a painting of my taxi. It's a horse drawn carriage.
My computer's so woke it's started using non-binary code.
I don't like musicals, they're just a load of trash. Then again... I've only ever seen Stomp.
The monarchy never goes on strike, but they do work to rule.
I'd never be a lieutenant. They just sit around in nightclub toilets giving out wet wipes and deodorant.
I'm from a poor family, so we have no antiques. The oldest thing I'll be able to leave my kids is this joke - good luck son!
My Father died a Hero. Fell into a vat of Cadbury's chocolate.
My golf game is like my diet, it takes me a long time to venture near the greens.
The TV company sent an alien engineer to fix my aerial. Now I get extra terrestrial channels.
Bruce Springsteen's daughter is show-jumping at the Olympics. I'm surprised. Thought she was born to run.
Police can confirm that the world's slowest talking criminal has just finished a three-year sentence.
There's no social distancing in my church. Everyone is singing from the same hymn sheet.
I bought a reduced-price Colin the Caterpillar birthday cake because it was going out of date. By the time I got it home, it had become a Colin the Cocoon cake.
I almost made it as a pro tennis player. I was unbeaten on grass but always failed the drug tests.
Ironically, "Doctors" is not appointment television.
My partner wanted to get married to make our relationship more secure. I suggested instead we used a mix of upper and lower-case letters and numbers.
Yorkshire hikers - they're always banging on about summit.
There's a new Disney-themed witness protection scheme called Lie Low and Snitch.
By the time I came off the M4 I'd been sharpened, highlighted and hole-punched. The traffic was stationery.
I always go to my mate Old McDonald to get my medicines. It's because he's a farmer, see?
An anonymous referee has leaked some stories to the press about FIFA. Sources have narrowed it down to a whistleblower.
I tried to re-colour a worn out monk's robe, but old habits dye hard.
I'm so skint that when money goes into my account the bank alerts me to suspicious activity.
I write all my concertos in braille, so don't blame me if you can't feel the music.
I've just started spring cleaning. The mattress is done, just the slinky left to do...
I love shortbread but I'm always losing it in the toaster.
Jesus only lasted three days in lockdown and got a holiday in his honour. I lasted a year and got made redundant.
Those who do not learn the lessons of History are doomed to repeat it. Quite right. It took me three times to pass my GCSE.
I got stuck with cowboy builders. I refused to pay but they roped me in.
I'm constantly amazed at how big space is. It goes all the way from C to M on my keyboard.
I'd make a joke about tropical birds, but I don't want to parrot everyone else.
Don't ever damage my German classical composers LP, because if you scratch my Bach, I'll scratch yours.
I think hot, savoury liquid is soup-er... And that's just for starters.
Why can Chris Hemsworth never play in the snow? Because everywhere he goes there is a Thor.
Henry VIII was very kingly, but Shakespeare was even King Lear.
When a woman marries her best friend we call it romantic, but for a man it's called bestiality.
Teaching is the most gruelling of professions, though porridge making comes a close second.
What do most people have in common with a cat's foot at this time of year? They're both feline paw.
I'd have written a gag about Trump but all I could think was 'orange' and that's such low hanging topical fruit.
This year I'm giving up drinking, smoking and gambling. I would give up overeating as well, but I've already got a lot on my plate.
People talk about family values but I didn't get much for my Nan at Cash Converters.
People panic buying gravy for Christmas have caused the stock market to crash.
Why do anti-vaxxers get plastic Christmas trees? Because they don't believe in needles.
It's exhausting trying to find my wife in the department store. Starting to think I'd have more luck with online dating.
I didn't think electric cars could handle all weathers until I test drove one in the rain. I was shocked.
I stopped going to the drive-in cinema. Too many spoilers.
I wanted to buy a bike from a German composer but there were no Handel bars
They say they found water on the moon's surface. I reckon that's lunar sea.
I have a bone to pick about the standard of this year's Halloween party. A skeleton staff organised it.
Strictly are taking no risks with COVID this year. I've heard even the presenting team has a Tess Daly.
Every November I choose a special day to buy cutlery for my close male friends, it's my guy forks night.
The fish in my pond are hiding behind rocks. Or maybe they're just being koi.
I saw a vet do stand up comedy once The jokes were fine but the put downs were heartbreaking
My nan asked me if I'd like her to put on Cardi B the other day but I told her the one she was wearing was fine.
When it's hot, suncream just isn't enough to stop me burning - as shown by my criminal record for arson.
Cantaloupe is the best fruit to eat if you don't want to run away and get married.
Fractions at school. I understood them half the time, but the other three quarters were a complete mystery
I've never understood why ugly people watch horror movies. Just look in the mirror
It makes no sense how dissecting a frog in a lab is always 'for scientific purposes', but dissecting a frog anywhere else is 'wrong' or 'ruining the Christening'.
When I said I was going to live the wildlife in 2020, I didn't realise it meant I'd be locked indoors and let out once a day to exercise.
Agony Aunts are like every man working from home; they can't get enough of their own column.
Hotel Chocolat: great suites.
I went to the hospital the other day and all the staff were linking arms and singing Auld Lang Syne. Turns out it was the Burns unit.
I like to watch my old flame read Charles Dickens. It's great ex spectations.
I recently started collecting stickers of Italian food. I keep them in my panini album.
I'm currently in a relationship with a make up artist. It's built on a strong foundation.
My uncle always told me that carrots help you see in the dark, which is how he lost his job as a lighthouse keeper.
Every morning I get up and hate what I see in the mirror, but on the plus side the puzzles are good and it's cheaper than the guardian.
Mandatory face masks on the Tube while deodorant remains optional - talk about victim blaming!
I get so hot in the summer sun I can't even walk normally. Philip Flops
I told my French girlfriend that I didn't like her dog. She took it on the chien.
My dad enjoyed two things - making people laugh and DIY He always brought the house down
I must say the Zoom app for my phone is a complete disappointment - I'm sticking with my telescope.
I've been watching The Crown with my eyes closed. You might think that's odd, but I've done Stranger Things.
If all it took was a deadly virus to keep people six feet away from me in the supermarket, I would have got into biological warfare way earlier
This competition is open for entries until further notice. You must have a valid BCG Pro subscription to enter.
You may submit one joke in each entry window. Entry windows normally last a week each, running from Monday through to Sunday.
British Comedy Guide reserves the right to alter the terms of this contest and/or the duration of any entry window at its discretion.
All entries must be the original work of the entrant, and must not infringe the rights of any other party.
At the closure of each entry window British Comedy Guide's editorial team will select their favourite joke as that window's winner. If deemed suitable for a general audience, the joke will be shared via British Comedy Guide's Facebook, Instagram and Twitter accounts, and in the website's Weekly Newsletter (normally sent on a Monday). The winning entrant will be credited by name and, if submitted with a Twitter handle, by that on the Tweet.
Jokes may be ommitted from Twitter if their length and a necessary explanation exceeds the platform's character limit.
The winner will receive £10 in cash. This can be paid via BACS or PayPal.