The Undercover Intern: Guy Snapdragon interview

Professional podcaster Guy Snapdragon, also known as The Undercover Intern, granted us some valuable interview time recently.

There are reports in the tabloids today that in 1999 you were incarcerated for 16 weeks for stalking Bianca from EastEnders.

I won't answer that question.

Sorry. We just wanted to give you an opportunity to respond to claims that you, quote, 'sent Bianca some of your hair and a CD of love songs, including one that you wrote and recorded called The Beautiful Ginger Mermaid'.

Is that a crime?

Well, apparently you also recorded a song called I'm Going To Murder Ricky And Turn Him Into A Human Tyre. Is that part true?

I won't answer that question. Also, if song titles are to be taken literally, Bob Marley had better be careful.

Let's move on. What have you been up to recently?

I've just watched Reservoir Dogs and eaten a Curly Wurly.

We actually meant slightly less recently, and with regards to your professional podcasting career.

Well, if you knew the threats I'm facing right now, you'd realise that Reservoir Dogs is relevant to my podcasting career. I don't mean the ear cutting; that'd be one less potential listener. But I mean the pervasive threat of violence that I face every single day ... Actually, will your readers know what 'pervasive' means?

Most of them will. And shouldn't it be 'one fewer potential listener'?

No, I'd say my listeners are uncountable because there are so many of them.

But you could count them, in theory?

I don't have time for theory. Should there be one fewer useless journalist? I'm not threatening to kill you. Please don't twist my words like you people do.

Let's try and move on again. Why would a non-intern, a non-intern-aspirant or a non-close-blood-relative-to-an-intern listen to your podcast, The Undercover Intern?

I get asked that a lot, and what I always say is this: should a non-glass look out of a glass window?

And when you say that, how do people tend to react?

With confusion.

You are currently without an internship, having been fired recently. What's the next move?

Does a glass window need to move? Or does it do its job by staying perfectly still?

We don't understand what you mean. Do you need more time to provide coherent answers?

No, I do not. Listen to me. My podcast, The Undercover Intern, is the second most successful internship podcast globally. Period. Listen to this week's episode and you'll find out why it's about to become the most successful. Is that clear enough for you?

As clear as glass. You have recently released some pilot episodes, one for a home improvement show, and another to help women during the miracle of childbirth. One seems poorly suited to the podcast format and the other seems a little bit niche...

I don't think a home improvement show is niche. It's actually very popular - all of Channel 4, for example - because people love to see how desperate other people's lives and homes are. Also, nobody wants to view the act of childbirth; all of those different human liquids mixed up together. Have you seen a placenta, it's completely gross? So a podcast is the ideal format.

Perhaps you'd like to ask yourself a question, as ours don't seem to be working?

Yes, I would, actually. I'd like to ask myself: 'how have you've managed to become the number one best internship podcaster out of the eight billion people on this planet?'

And would you again refuse to answer this question?

No. I'd answer that first and foremost it's because of a good dynamic microphone. It's a tragedy that about five or six billion people on this planet still don't have access to a clean microphone that minimises background noise and connects via USB. Second, it's my incredible talent.

Do you have any other questions you'd like to ask yourself?

Yes. 'Do you have any other pilot bonus podcasts upcoming, besides the fantastic weekly episodes of The Undercover Intern podcast that last for about ten minutes each and are released every Monday and are insightful throughout and that don't steal songs from established artists without paying them any royalties?'

And your answer?

Yes, I do.

Wonderful. What single piece of advice would you give to an intern starting a new role tomorrow?

Be submissive.

Final question from us. Is it true that you were an extra in The Brittas Empire?

I refute that accusation. Anyway, let's talk about the power of the media, shall we? You in your ivory towers need to be taken out. Not killed. This isn't a threat. By the way, do you think it's a coincidence that Bianca moved to Manchester in 1999, just after my alleged sentence began? Where was I incarcerated in 1999, according to the tabloids? Doncaster Prison, which is fewer than sixty miles from Manchester.

Fewer or less?

Do you want a fight? I'm going to kill you.

Guy Snapdragon's The Undercover Intern is available wherever you get your podcasts, and via buzzsprout.com