Hello. I'm James Meehan. Legend, lothario, insomniac. I really wish insomniac started with the letter L. I've struggled with getting a full night's sleep for a couple of years now and I think it's safe to say I've tried every technique available, and not just the ones on DuckDuckGo. (It's just like Google but doesn't record your search history. No one needs to know how many times I've searched for 'Joe Garner goal PNE vs Rotherham'.)
Anyway, here are my top five tips for sleeping like a baby that is good at sleeping...
5. Stay awake for 36 hours first
Spend a full night without sleep on purpose. Use those twilight hours to get some important jobs done... Jobs like completing The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time for the 83rd time, writing jokes that don't make sense due to how knackered you are, or simply having an extremely ridiculously long bath (4 hours is the record). The next day will be a write off, but your body is sure to force you into a peaceful slumber once tea time arrives
4. Hard drugs
Who needs gateway drugs? Just start on the hard stuff. ONE AND A HALF doses of Nytol and TWO glasses of Malbec. Live dangerously.
3. Just close your eyes you idiot
The advice given to me by my aunty as I looked at her through bloodshot hatred. Still, can't hurt to try.
2. Spill the blood of an innocent
I refuse to do this because it makes my thighs chaffe.
Want to know more? Why don't you come and see my show?
In the meantime check out this banger.